I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson Spoiler He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs? Spoiler One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
When the person working the drive thru asks what we want my dad says a blonde with nothing on it. Every time.
Last weekend, my seven year old had a friend over. I was sitting on my back deck and heard them fighting with our neighbor's 10 year old daughter. My son's friend told the neighbor the her mom was so fat that a vampire would catch diabetes if it bit her. I pulled the boys inside after that.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and...................... tonic." Bartender says "Why the large pause?" Polar bear says "I was born with them."
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" Pirate says "Arghhh I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Spoiler Beer nuts are $1.49 and deer nuts are just under a buck
A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and tonic." Bartender says "That'll be 12 bucks." As he makes the drink, he tells the bear, "You know, I don't get a lot of polar bears in here ordering drinks." The bear says, "For $12 a drink, I can see why."
My 8 year old always calls me out for dad jokes, but yesterday morning him and his mother had this conversation: Mrs Taffy: "What do you want for breakfast?" Taffy Jr: "Bacon sandwiches" Mrs Taffy: ::sigh:: "Cereals?" Taffy Jr: "I am being cereals, bacon sandwiches!"
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon. I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday." https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/
My 7 year old choked on his food at the dinner table laughing so hard when I told this one today. (He loves dinosaurs) Edit: Ha ha. Wait, I did change it to "what do you call a dinosaur that sits on a tack?" though.
Butchered... "Dad, I'm thirsty" "Hi Thirsty. I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae."