Two atoms are sitting at a bar, and one of the atoms is really bummed out, so his friend naturally asks what's wrong. He tells him that he lost an electron today, and his friend, astonished asks if he's sure. Yes, he responds - I'm positive.
A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "hey! What is this some kind of joke?".
Momma Tomato, Daddy Tomato, and Baby Tomato were out for a walk one day. Baby Tomato starts falling behind and it makes his dad mad. Daddy Tomato walks back to Baby and steps on him and says "ketchup"
I went to the dick doctor the other day to get something checked out. He was a big dude and turned out to be a fellow weight lifter, so I asked him if he could also tell me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow. He said, "How should I know?" I replied, "Well, you are meaty urologist, aren't you?"
What do you call a merry-go-round made completely out of plastic? Anything you want, except a ferrous wheel.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and demands a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings. The bear, frustrated, again demands a beer and the bartender once more replies they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings. Now completely enraged, the bear says if you don't serve me a beer I'm going to eat that woman at the end of the bar. Once more, the bartender tells the the bear they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, and true to his word, the bear walks to the end of the bar and eats the woman. The bear returns to the bar and asks for a beer to wash his meal down. The bartender tells him we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, and especially not to those bears that do drugs. Perplexed, the bear says he's never done a drug in his life. The bartender replies, that's the bar bitch you ate.
I rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve ropes in here." Dejected, but determined to get a beer, he walked out into the parking lot and decided he'd try a disguise. He tied a knot in one end and frizzled up his ends and then went back inside. The bartender saw him and said, "Are you that rope that just tried to buy a beer?" The rope replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
I was sending a text earlier, and it changed "fuck" to "duck", but I left it because it was still fowl language
Courtesy of last night's Last Man on Earth Why did the investment banker quit his job? Spoiler He lost interest
Herb Jr: Mom, did you hear how they stopped a kidnapping at school? Mrs. Herb: What? Herb Jr: The teacher woke him up.
When you go in the bathroom you're American, and when you come out you're American, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? Spoiler European!
Started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat Apparently there's a Bounty on my head
Then she threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making Linkin Park references But in the end it doesn't even matter
people are very eager to chastise posters around here for stealing material from other sites and posting it, ie - "you got this from reddit faggit" HTH, have a joke on me: