Stupid shit your wife/girlfriend does...

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by bertwing, May 16, 2016.

  1. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
    Donor TMB OG

    My younger son had pink eye last week. Now I have pink eye.

    Wife: I’m horny and want some adult time after the kids go to bed.
    Me: Ok
    Wife: But you need to hit it from behind because I don’t want to look at your goopy eye.
    Me: Did you just say “hit it from behind”?
    Wife: What’s wrong with that?
    Me: Nothing. I just wasn’t expecting Left Eye in the bedroom.
    Wife: The pink eye is in your right eye.

    Doesn’t matter. 10% chance I still have sex.
     
    BigReff73, Nole0515, Tug and 51 others like this.
  2. IHHH

    IHHH Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Notre Dame Fighting IrishCleveland BrownsMontreal Canadiens

    you talk too much
     
  3. lazy bum

    lazy bum active consumer
    Donor TMB OG

    Congrats on the dirty talk, though.
     
  4. Funshot Residue

    Funshot Residue Mammoth Stabber
    Donor

    Quite possibly the best thing I've ever read on TMB.
     
  5. IHHH

    IHHH Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Notre Dame Fighting IrishCleveland BrownsMontreal Canadiens

    upload_2021-9-16_19-46-13.gif
     
  6. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
    Donor TMB OG
    Miami HurricanesMiami MarlinsMiami DolphinsFlorida PanthersTiger WoodsInter Miami CFGame of ThronesMiami Heat

    This was stupid shit you do
     
  7. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
    Donor

    The only way to salvage this is to pull out and say you lost control of the goopy eye imo
     
  8. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
    Donor TMB OG

    It’s 9pm, we have two kids, and my wife worked the last two days. The 10% chance is normal odds of nighttime sex in my house. Has nothing to do with the conversation.
     
  9. Shawn Hunter

    Shawn Hunter Vote Corey Matthews for Congress
    Donor
    Kentucky WildcatsBoston CelticsNew England PatriotsUniversity of LynchburgAEW

    You didn’t exactly do much to improve your odds any with that conversation
     
  10. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
    Donor

    Whelp, jbr has to commit seppuku now that Shawn is giving him relationship advice
     
    Taffy, IV, Nole0515 and 33 others like this.
  11. texasraider

    texasraider thanks
    Donor
    Texas RangersKansas City ChiefsDallas Mavericks altTexas Tech Red Raiders alt

    You people that don’t have scheduled and orderly sex must be newlyweds
     
  12. ugafish

    ugafish Not a new member
    Donor
    Georgia BulldogsAtlanta HawksAtlanta FalconsLiverpool

    Does she normally talk like that to you and fail to step up to the plate? If not, odds were much better than 10%,
     
  13. bertwing

    bertwing check out the nametag grandma
    Staff Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksNew Orleans SaintsTiger WoodsBarAndGrill

    How in gods name would you know lmao
     
  14. bertwing

    bertwing check out the nametag grandma
    Staff Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksNew Orleans SaintsTiger WoodsBarAndGrill

    and I swear to god you better not say my mom
     
    Tug, Gallant Knight, Ty Webb and 6 others like this.
  15. dump

    dump TMB’s premier expert on women’s CBB
    Donor
    Connecticut HuskiesTexas AandM Aggies altTexas RangersDallas StarsDallas Mavericks alt

    your mom
     
    Tug, blind dog, One Two and 2 others like this.
  16. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
    Donor TMB OG

  17. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
    Donor TMB OG

    There is quite the collection playing fast and loose itt
     
    Cornfed Buffalo likes this.
  18. HotMic

    HotMic PopTart Mascot Enthusiast
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesCleveland BrownsKent State Golden FlashesCleveland CavaliersCleveland Indians

     
  19. TimJimothy

    TimJimothy Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Kansas State WildcatsKansas City Royals

    We get it, fella...you have a lot of married sex.
     
  20. Killy Me Please

    Killy Me Please I lift things up and put people down.
    Donor

    She's been dealing with a few things physically so she went to a chiropractor. Yesterday he decided to crack her ears.

    "My ears feel so much better after he did that Feng Shui on my ears"
     
  21. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

    Donor
    Rutgers Scarlet KnightsArizona WildcatsTexas AandM Aggies altTennessee Volunteers

    Do any of your wives/GFs ever have a drop of fuckin gas in their car? Ever?
     
    Houndster, IV, blind dog and 17 others like this.
  22. -Asshole-

    -Asshole- TMB OG Reject
    Donor
    LSU TigersNew Orleans Saints

    I had to use my lawnmower gas last week to put some in her van because she was so low she couldn’t make it to the gas station from our house. :facepalm:
     
  23. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Mine treats hers like tax withholdings. Any leftover drops are just interest free loans to the car
     
  24. HoosDaMan

    HoosDaMan Grumpy
    Virginia CavaliersDallas CowboysTiger WoodsLos Angeles Angels of AnaheimUnited States Men's National Soccer Team

    Have you guys explained the effects on the motor and gas pump when you run on low levels of gas all the time?
     
    Dump, One Two and ned's head like this.
  25. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
    Donor
    Kansas State WildcatsTexas Rangers

    Lol not their problem.
     
  26. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
    Donor

    So the alarm that constantly yells at them that they have 0 miles to empty doesn't work, but this will? :laugh:
     
  27. HoosDaMan

    HoosDaMan Grumpy
    Virginia CavaliersDallas CowboysTiger WoodsLos Angeles Angels of AnaheimUnited States Men's National Soccer Team

    I bet they have no idea. That’s all I’m saying.
     
  28. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

    Donor
    Rutgers Scarlet KnightsArizona WildcatsTexas AandM Aggies altTennessee Volunteers

    Lol christ I'm still trying to get through that she should lock her car, or at the very least, not leave her keys in the car when parked on the street in our inner ring suburb with a significant uptick in vehicle theft

    I treat my lawn mowing shoes better than she can be troubled to treat her car
     
    Nole0515, bertwing, PAHokie and 10 others like this.
  29. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
    Donor
    Kansas State WildcatsTexas Rangers

    Every since I told my wife to stop putting so many clothes in the front-loading washing machine because that design can not accommodate as large as loads as a top loading she has started putting even more in it.

    I have told her the downsides of running gas tanks too empty and now she runs the tank even further down it appears.

    Some women do not like to be “told what to do,” no matter how valid the reason.
     
    THF, Nole0515, DistantFactor and 24 others like this.
  30. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
    Donor
    Miami HurricanesNew York YankeesMiami Dolphins

    My wife is a gas Nazi. She's on edge about trying to get the car filled when we hit half a tank. I'm the one that will pull into a gas station with the gas light on.
     
  31. b0ne5

    b0ne5 Well-Known Member
    Arkansas Razorbacks

    On the topic of low gas, I left work one day and was on the phone with my wife. She stopped at a Sam’s Club to get gas on the way to pick up our son from daycare. I drive home (15-20 minutes), sit down and fall asleep. After 10 or 15 minutes, she calls back and asks me to get up and go get our son bc she is still waiting to get gas. Evidently here was a issue with one pump and everyone had to move over to the only other one. I said “go somewhere else?” And the response was “I’m so low I may actually run out while I sit here and wait”. I told her that she could blow her engine up and doing that and it hasn’t happened since.
     
  32. WillySaliba

    WillySaliba Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Philadelphia 76'ersArsenal

    Just diesel.
     
    fattus, Nole0515, blind dog and 18 others like this.
  33. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

    Donor
    Rutgers Scarlet KnightsArizona WildcatsTexas AandM Aggies altTennessee Volunteers

    Oh I like that. Hadn't thought of using unsubstantiated fear tactics.

    Hun if you run your tank on low so often our kids are gonna have depression. I know where to hit.
     
    Taffy, Houndster, IV and 14 others like this.
  34. infected donkey

    infected donkey Arkansas Razorbacks
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksChicago CubsAvengersBarAndGrillSoutheastern Conference

    #psychdegree
     
    Hatfield and b0ne5 like this.
  35. b0ne5

    b0ne5 Well-Known Member
    Arkansas Razorbacks

    tie in the engine blowing up with how that will effect her ability to buy other shit. “We won’t be able to paint that room or put up a fence or buy another 50 random items from Amazon, etc. if you blow up your car.” Also, she and your child might end up stranded on the side of the highway. Every worst case scenario. Fear is a great motivator.
     
    THF, IHHH, ARCO and 5 others like this.
  36. Degausser

    Degausser #NewProfilePic
    Donor
    Georgia BulldogsAtlanta Braves

    My wife is the opposite with gas. She'll call me in the morning and say, "My car says I have 50 miles til empty. Am I going to make it to work?" Her drive to work is about 10 miles.
     
  37. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia Thought Leader in Posting
    Staff Donor
    LSU TigersTexas RangersNew Orleans SaintsFulhamDulwich Hamlet

    mine as well. If it gets close to 1/4 a tank she thinks she's going to be stranded on the side of the road
     
  38. -Asshole-

    -Asshole- TMB OG Reject
    Donor
    LSU TigersNew Orleans Saints

    #Blessed
     
    NineteenNine, mal630, Dump and 2 others like this.
  39. PhupaPhever

    PhupaPhever Well-Known Member
    Donor
    TennisNew Orleans SaintsTulane Green WaveNew Orleans Pelicans

    My wife doesn’t like the sopranos intro
     
  40. Pharm

    Pharm Right Handed
    Donor
    Florida State SeminolesAtlanta HawksAtlanta Falcons

    Wife was off today and went to the store and was going to make pasta for dinner. Guess who got half way done making meatballs and realized we had no pasta sauce…

    luckily we had leftover grape tomatoes so I was able to make a sauce but man thought i was getting out of cooking tonight for a change
     
    bigred77, One Two, Dump and 3 others like this.
  41. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
    Donor
    North Carolina TarheelsAtlanta BravesCharlotte HornetsNew York GiantsManchester CityNational LeagueBarAndGrill

    sorry guys but there is nothing more exhilarating than being 10 miles from the nearest gas station and having your gas gauge read well below e

    it’s a great high and breaks up the monotony of long car rides
     
  42. h.e.pennypacker

    h.e.pennypacker Industrialist Philanthropist Bicyclist
    Indiana HoosiersNotre Dame Fighting IrishChicago BearsWu-tang

    h.e.pennypacker endorses this message

    [​IMG]
     
  43. WhiskeyDelta

    WhiskeyDelta Well-Known Member
    Donor

    I did this in rural Colorado a few years ago and my wife still brings it up
     
  44. beerme

    beerme Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Penn State Nittany LionsNew York YankeesGreen Bay Packers

    .
     
    #12794 beerme, Sep 23, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2024
  45. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Texas Tech Red RaidersTexas RangersSan Antonio SpursDallas CowboysKansas City ChiefsAustin FCTexas Tech Red Raiders alt

    Being married to you, I'm sure she doesn't trust you when you talk about hose sizes
     
    IV, Nole0515, DistantFactor and 8 others like this.
  46. Imurhuckleberry

    Imurhuckleberry Avid spectator of windmill warriors
    Donor
    Florida GatorsSan Francisco GiantsGolden State WarriorsSan Francisco 49'ers

    Mine fills up her tank like an adult but she has been pulled over for speeding at least 10 times in the last year. Somehow only 1 ticket though.
     
  47. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
    Donor
    North Carolina TarheelsAtlanta BravesCharlotte HornetsNew York GiantsManchester CityNational LeagueBarAndGrill

    i think the how is pretty obvious lol
     
  48. COVIDiskilingme79

    COVIDiskilingme79 Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Florida GatorsChicago Cubs

    Cops be like
    [​IMG]
     
  49. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
    Donor
    Miami HurricanesNew York YankeesMiami Dolphins

    Forms of any kind turn her brain into mush. I don't know if it's a strategy to try make me so annoyed I'll break down and finish it for her or what, but it's bewildering.

    We have to fill out a travel visa for inter-island travel here and there's a section of general questions. I get bombarded shit while I'm filling mine out like "what do I put for our destination" and "what do I put for "are you traveling with children" and I just don't know what to say.
     
  50. ashy larry

    ashy larry from ashy to classy
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksAtlanta BravesWu-tang

    fuck forms
     
    IV, FTK, One Two and 1 other person like this.