Corporate Speak Thread_2019-03_Finalv7-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    I'm disappointed I never got to do a full deep dive into the last thread. I'll make sure to remember to save the new thread every 15 minutes this go around.

    Soup to nuts, I think this could be the best thread on TMB.
     
  2. Señor Cockblock

    Señor Cockblock Eastside to the westside
    South Carolina GamecocksManchester UnitedEngland

    Listen, I think you've got some good stuff going here. Let's circle back and reengage tomorrow after some independent brainstorming.
     
  3. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville Jaguars

    Well, it was my idea, so you're probably right.

    Nevertheless, I'd say we're all aligned here and there's no need to run it up the flagpole. We're dialed in.
     
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  4. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    I'd have given you props and put the aces in their places, but it was a firedrill trying to find that old thread.
     
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  5. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville Jaguars

    It's not necessarily PC or work-appropriate, but the first time I heard someone say "We need time to get our poop in a group," I almost died laughing.
     
  6. Fister Roboto

    Fister Roboto Well-Known Member
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    My favorite work acronym is P.T.P which stands for Paid To Poop.
    Its the time after lunch when i use the restroom and TMB.
     
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  7. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Not trying to reinvent the wheel with this thread guys.
     
    Nelson, dukebuckeye, AaronCE and 4 others like this.
  8. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    We need to run the traps and engage the C-Suite, but our methodologies seem to be properly aligned with the pragmatic ideologies of future state processes.
     
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  9. Baron

    Baron gold chain gang
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    Thanks for bringing this thread back.

    Best,
    Wayne

    (Anyone that finishes emails with Best, I wanna punch in the face!)
     
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  10. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Guys, please consider the environment before printing this post.
     
  11. Wu

    Wu LKY did nothing wrong
    TMB OG

    "It's too complex, but needs to be more specific."
     
  12. chunkles

    chunkles Well-Known Member

    I'll be happy to get the right guys teed up, in case someone feels this thread need more support. Pinning threads is above my paygrade, however.
    Irregardless, I see some solid brain trust being employed thus far. Proceed!
    Thanks!
     
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  13. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    I have heard "operating rhythm" about a thousand times the last few weeks and still have no idea wtf that's even supposed to mean. It's our forecast, because our forecast is different from our plan which is different from what we budget. I put together a separate forecast from operating rhythm that's much closer to actuals, yet they keep tellling me to use "operating rhythm" for some reason and still don't full understand why really -- I think it's because we've already showed it to others so we want to keep it less accurate? How fucking corporate is that? :facepalm: I can't stand it, it's infuriating.
     
  14. NoleNBlue

    NoleNBlue The fuck is that? It's an armoire.
    Donor TMB OG
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    We need to be proactive in coming up with a new paradigm to promote synergy.
     
  15. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville Jaguars

    Please just make sure you're staying in your swim lane. The last thing we need with this project is to cross workstreams.
     
  16. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
    Donor

    All,
    We really need to coordinate this meeting to perfection

    Bill - I need the PowerPoint uploaded to box by 3

    Terry - Be prepared to speak on the items we discussed yesterday

    Jim - Make sure the the conference rooms are IT ready

    Let's all put forth high quality individual efforts to execute this meeting perfectly.

    Thanks!
    Faggot President
     
  17. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    I just got bitched out by my boss

    Because I notified the secretary and my co-worker that I had a dentist appointment -- but I didn't notify her. Apparently that is against THE RULES and I will be punished for it.

    What she doesn't know is that I'm giving my notice today that I've taken a new job.
     
  18. Dirty Ears Bill

    Dirty Ears Bill I aint the mother fucker.
    Donor

    Have never heard this and I'm going to do my best to work it in at lunch today.
     
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  19. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hot dog
    Donor

    Don't work harder. Work smarter.


    Thanks
     
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  20. Fancy

    Fancy thanks, i hate it
    Staff Donor TMB OG
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    I do it errytyme

    Best,

    Fancy
     
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  21. milquetoast

    milquetoast I hate grapes
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    Full disclosure on this, team, I'm going to need us to scope the metrics to ensure we are in line with the corporate vision.
     
  22. OHW

    OHW Well-Known Member
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    You should wait until after she punishes you to relay that info to her and sit there with a huge smug grin.
     
  23. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
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    yup, exactly what i just did :D
     
  24. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    the really amusing part is that i built this complex intra-organizational utility billing system in Python, which brings in 100% of my organization's $8 million / year in revenue

    i've been running the system by myself for so long (8 years) that they just assume i'll never leave, and keep bypassing me for promotions in favor of older, non-technical "people managers."

    now that system is the responsibility of 2 women who have been exaggerating their technical skills, and are about to find out how little they know about programming and information systems design. my smugness is off the charts right now.
     
    #25 leroi, May 12, 2015
    Last edited: May 12, 2015
  25. Walt Disney

    Walt Disney #Dawgzy #Runlyfe #MCFC
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    Teach me python bro
     
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  26. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint It's like the Weimar Republic in that place
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    Penn State Nittany LionsGreen Bay PackersChelseaHartford WhalersPhoenix Rising

    We literally have a work plan called WorkSmart that is supposed to make our engagements run more efficiently.

    This is my third year with the firm. I still have no idea what the fuck it involves nor do I care.
     
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  27. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    i can help you get started. are you looking to do scripting? web app development? desktop software development? statistical analysis?
     
  28. Craig Pettis

    Craig Pettis The first million is the hardest- Hitler
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    Tennessee VolunteersSt. Louis CardinalsMemphis Grizzlies

    Wayne,

    Please find attached for your review [the final figures for the MHA account]. If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you.

    Best,

    CP


    99% of the work emails I send, the only thing that changes is the content of the brackets
     
    Baron likes this.
  29. Walt Disney

    Walt Disney #Dawgzy #Runlyfe #MCFC
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    like data cleaning/analysis/stat analysis

    its used in healthcare IT here. I am currently reading 'Learn Python The Hard Way' and doing the lessons in the book. I think I am getting the hang of it. It's a really powerful programming language
     
  30. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    in that case you probably want to be using NumPy

    http://www.numpy.org/

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NumPy


    "Learning Python the Hard Way" is popular for new programmers learning python, but it's kind of... boring. I personally prefer to dive in head-first with a practical task.
     
    #31 leroi, May 12, 2015
    Last edited: May 12, 2015
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  31. Walt Disney

    Walt Disney #Dawgzy #Runlyfe #MCFC
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    leroi likes this.
  32. AggieVillain

    AggieVillain I feel awesome right now. Top of the world! - Dump
    Donor

    We don't want to get too into the weeds with our concept guys. Let's keep it high level and present with broad strokes.

    We want this to be something that they will be excited about as they leave.

    Kind Regards,
    Some Jerk
     
  33. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    you may also want to check out google's python offerings.

    they have google app engine, which i use extensively, and is excellent for designing data-driven web apps.
    https://cloud.google.com/appengine/docs/python/gettingstartedpython27/introduction

    and google compute engine, which i've never used, and looks pretty intimidating, but is supposed to be cutting-edge in terms of analyzing large datasets.
    https://cloud.google.com/compute/docs/overview
    https://cloud.google.com/compute/docs/
    https://cloud.google.com/compute/docs/tutorials/python-guide
     
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  34. Capstone 88

    Capstone 88 Going hard in the paint
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    Guys, let's have a dry run on this to make sure we're all in alignment.
     
  35. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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  36. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    How do you guys work with people like this?
     
  37. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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  38. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
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    well, in about 29 days i won't be.
     
    #40 leroi, May 13, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2015
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  39. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Yeah... Wow. People are clueless. This seems either baby boomer, micro manager, and/or guardians (from Keirsey test). I hate to work with all 3. Triple whammy.

    :respek: for quitting... Morons that are old school in the way they manage need to be fucked with, because having people quit who are under you is never good.
     
    Doc Louis likes this.
  40. Woodrow

    Woodrow Well-Known Member
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    This type of stuff just blows my mind. Does her boss make her do the same thing? Is she just socially clueless? Do the people above her condone it?

    Maybe I'm just naive to how many people are terrible managers. In no way is my company perfect, but I'm happy they don't treat us like we're 12.
     
  41. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    the part where she has to notify her direct supervisor if she's taking sick or vacation time -- yes.

    all the other stuff, no.

    no she's just engaging in excessive levels of ass-covering at my expense

    they don't really care. they seem to think that it isn't their problem.

    which, honestly, is a long-running complaint i've had. they're reasonable people but they simply will not stand up for their employees under any circumstances. Or, as they say in our organization (and in the spirit of the thread) they refuse to "go to bat for us"
     
    #43 leroi, May 13, 2015
    Last edited: May 13, 2015
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  42. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    Oh, I just got this GREAT email


    Over the last few years the organization has been trying to align our work efforts with those leadership attributes that are considered to be high performing. As a part of this process, the Future City Team identified key characteristics of high performing organizations. The characteristics they identified were grouped according to common themes and then defined as value statements. The value statements were defined and the result of this work became our <City Name> Leadership Creed.

    A few months ago you were asked to complete a survey designed to measure the organization against the proposed value statements. Thanks to all those employees who took time to provide their feedback. The results of this survey are available here.

    Over the next few weeks, I would ask that each of you read the leadership creed and review the survey results. If you are a supervisor, I encourage you to discuss these results with your staff and identify examples of how these value statements are demonstrated, or ideas for improvement. As always, thank you for the work you do for our community.


    City of <City Name> Leadership Creed:
    In keeping with a high performance philosophy we recognize that leadership in our organization takes place at all levels and across all departments. Notwithstanding this belief employees in positions of formal leadership should in all situations foster a work environment that encourages individual greatness and establishes a benchmark for continuous improvement.
     
  43. Marty Kaan

    Marty Kaan By any means necessary
    Donor

    At the end of the day
    Back to the drawing board
    Hit the ground running
    Get the ball rolling
    Low-hanging fruit
    Throw under the bus
    Think outside the box
    Let's touch base
    Get my manager's blessing
    It's on my radar
    Ping me
    I don't have the bandwidth
    No brainer
    Par for the course
    Bang for your buck
    Synergy
    Move the goal post
    Apples to apples
    Win-win
    Circle back around
    All hands on deck
    Take this offline
    Drill-down
    Elephant in the room
    On my plate
     
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  44. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Welp...

    Got an email at 230 from one of our directors at 230AM this morning asking for a PPT deck asap.

    :yaoface:
     
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  45. Jax Teller

    Jax Teller Well-Known Member
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    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta BravesTennessee Titans

    The email from our CEO today was full of corporate vision2020 speak. 4 pages of it.
     
  46. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    Hey can we schedule a goto for next week to touch base on this? Thanks.
     
  47. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Perfectly ok to also formally complain to HR about that bullshit. Pretty sure none of that crap would have been in your job description or employee handbook and could've been a fun talk with a labor lawyer, what with it creating a hostile work environment and harassment, etc.
     
  48. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    I considered that... but HR won't do anything about it.

    I actually had a supervisor a few years back, who everyone hated. Me and a colleague complained up the line about some of his behavior, and the result? WE were sent to personnel training on "How to deal with difficult people." He got upset that we "ratted" on him. The whole thing backfired on us. Eventually he was fired for unrelated problems. (Coming in to work drunk.)

    We actually had an employee in my department quit last month, because her supervisor was out of control. The list of egregious behavior was long, but in particular, her supervisor would go through her desk, snooping through her belongings, whenever the employee was out. HR was notified about this during the exit interview, allegedly "horrified" at the supervisors behavior, but there were zero consequences for the supervisor. In fact that same supervisor is being given expanded supervisory roles now.

    As a general practice, the HR department and department heads each have their own rulebook that is about 20 pages long. Some of the city-wide rules even contradict the department-level rules. But the end result is that everyone is breaking some kind of rule on a daily basis. The effect is that the upper-level management gets to selectively enforce the rules based on who they like, and who they don't like.

    Also: One of the "big wigs", who has about 300-400 employees underneath him, and writes one of those 20-page rulebooks governing every aspect of employee conduct, keeps a bottle of Jack Daniels under his desk. But he'll write you up for the smallest violation. That gives you an idea of the environment around here.
     
    #50 leroi, May 29, 2015
    Last edited: May 29, 2015