Corporate Speak Thread_2019-03_Finalv7-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. Walt Disney

    Walt Disney #Dawgzy #Runlyfe #MCFC
    Donor TMB OG
    Georgia BulldogsManchester CityUnited States Men's National Soccer Team

    Slack is the goat
     
    kinghill and THF like this.
  2. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Sooooo did you refer to that guy as training wheels?
     
    slogan119, Kirk Fogg and tjsblue like this.
  3. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Not sure why I haven’t been in this thread. Also I don’t know if this is therapeutic or it just makes me annoyed again, but the last two pages are spot on. Calling a PPT a Deck makes me want to punch babies yet I still do it.
    I have taken in upon myself in meetings to decipher who the idiot is that isn’t on mute and dog shame them to the group. 91.8% of the time it is a sales guy. It is all you fuckers do is take meetings from the road and yet every time you get on you don’t have two seconds to check and make sure you are on mute. Nothing slows up a meeting like someone fucking around in their car and the speaker trying to get through the meeting with some dumbass driving around with his phone on. I’m sure it has been covered on here. Rant over.

    Thanks,
    Wayne
     
  4. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Potentially worse when someone has their phone on speaker and puts it next to their keyboard during a call.. And continues to type.
     
  5. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    We have a guy (sales guy surprise) who puts his cell phone that is on vibrate next to the speaker on his home office phone. I’ve told him about it minimum ten times offline (I’m doing it!) and he always said it wasn’t him. I had a small enough meeting that I sidetracked the meeting to send him a text and bring the meeting to a complete hault so the two other people could validate the noise and we could all hear it. They both called me after and told me it is a known pet peeve of everyone that knows him.
    Very next fucking meeting the same day it was still happening. Did role call (yep, I’m that guy) and instead of having him pipe in I just acknowledge him because I can hear his phone vibrating.
    I should probably see someone about this. Serenity now.
     
  6. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    I am a sales guy and these types of moves drive me insane.

    I ask myself if this type of shit happens when customers or prospects are on the line. We have a sales person who is notorious for this. So I call her out by name “hey you need to mute your phone”.

    My pet peeve has to be the morons who can’t figure out how to share their screen or manage the presentation. We sell software for a living. Get your shit together.

    So my passive aggressive ass loves to say “thank god we don’t sell technology for a living...”. Every fucking time.
     
  7. Baron

    Baron Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Duke Blue DevilsCincinnati BearcatsAlabama Crimson TideCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsTiger WoodsFC Cincinnati

    Just heard a new one in the meeting. Guy was referring to planning a head to the next project and already having items needed to get an idea of what's in place said, "At least we will have the cracks grouted."
     
  8. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Miami HurricanesUCF KnightsMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami DolphinsFlorida PanthersWWEEvertonUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamOrlando CityTennis

    Nothing is worse than someone dialing in from a company phone line and while on a conference call, hitting "hold" and then the whole call gets your hold music. Nothing.
     
  9. beist

    beist Hyperbolist
    Donor

    We had someone on a secondment from our Russia office on one of my last projects. He would always try to drop US corporate speak/idioms and never turned out right. "I hate to be a bone in your throat but I really need that file by end of day" was my favorite.
     
  10. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia cool enough to not quite see it
    Staff Donor
    LSU TigersTexas RangersNew Orleans SaintsUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamFulham

    This is why I like that we switched to Skype for teleconferencing. It's easy to figure out who it is and immediately mute their line, and then later when they're back humiliate them if you so choose.
     
  11. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Murder him.
     
    kinghill, Corch and Sub-Zero like this.
  12. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    This is exactly right. Zoom does the same. You can see any one who’s mic is picking up noise.
     
    Joe_Pesci, BayouMafia and tjsblue like this.
  13. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Miami HurricanesUCF KnightsMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami DolphinsFlorida PanthersWWEEvertonUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamOrlando CityTennis

    Thankfully can do this on google hangouts too. But still have some outside calls with the old regular conference line system.
     
    BayouMafia and THF like this.
  14. righty

    righty Respect The Pouch
    Donor TMB OG
    Miami HurricanesNew England Patriots

    We are looking into moving to a new building, and apparently the conference rooms are referred to as "huddle rooms".
     
  15. Henry Blake

    Henry Blake No Springsteen is leaving this house!

    He practiced that all weekend in front of the mirror.
     
  16. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    See our new office has both conference rooms and huddle rooms. Huddle rooms are smaller and there are a ton more of them, at least here they are.
     
    tjsblue likes this.
  17. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia cool enough to not quite see it
    Staff Donor
    LSU TigersTexas RangersNew Orleans SaintsUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamFulham

    Heading into our annual leadership meeting over the next few days so I can't wait to see what new corporate phrases I can add to my lexicon.

    These meetings are the epitome of corporate nonsense. I work at our HDQ which is in DFW. Despite the fact that the mix is usually 70/30 people from this area, they book the meetings at some expensive hotel in downtown Dallas and make us stay there each night. Our CFO is always complaining about the price so this year they shrunk the invite list so instead of having everyone Director-level and above it's now just GM's from our 45 operations locations, executives, and a few of us directors they deem important enough to invite.

    So instead of 120 people last year we have maybe 75 this year, yet they book a nicer hotel (and yes make us stay there) and we have multiple suites to the Stars game tomorrow night, and 50 people are alienated because they aren't invited anymore. I asked a friend who had to help organize and if bar bills run the same as usual this will cost more than previous years.

    Meanwhile we have a fine conference/meeting hall right across the street from our offices.
     
  18. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    I've called out to someone's dog over conference call before. End results: woofs up 23 bps from q2, good boys at all time high crushing 2017 to hit 120% of goal and presenting at canine harassment seminar.

    Really though the dog just barked more and sniffed the phone.
     
  19. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Miami HurricanesUCF KnightsMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami DolphinsFlorida PanthersWWEEvertonUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamOrlando CityTennis

    I think the ones in our newly renovated office (not mine) are "Team Rooms"

    The last agency I worked at, they named the conference rooms based on the corporate "pillars". So we had the Integrity room and the Innovation room (this wasn't, in fact, a room for innovations) and the Efficiency Room or whatever other corporate pillar words we had.
     
  20. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Lets table this and huddle up offline when we’re all together. We can digest what is a conference room and what is a huddle room and socialize after we get the go ahead and appropriate approvals.
     
  21. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Meanwhile when you call people out they’re completely caught off guard and try to deny it. Well dipshit, everyone knows you are the dumbass ordering Taco Bell on a conference call.
     
    Joe_Pesci and THF like this.
  22. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia cool enough to not quite see it
    Staff Donor
    LSU TigersTexas RangersNew Orleans SaintsUnited States Men's National Soccer TeamFulham

    I also used it once to mute a guy who was being a belligerent jackass on the call and trying to push his own agenda. I muted him and we moved on, and I heard later from then guy in the office next to him that it took him a while to realize he'd been muted and he was screaming into the phone because he assumed we were just talking over him. He complained about it to my boss and my boss told him that he should be thankful I'm so patient because he wouldn't have even invited his useless ass to that meeting or any other.
     
  23. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

  24. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    New VP of Sales. "Guys, I see that we have enough in the pipeline to stretch the goals you submitted in January. I don't want to be unrealistic but I think we can stretch a little more this year and really push yourselves to new heights."
     
    Fecta23, slogan119 and tjsblue like this.
  25. Corch

    Corch Take my energy.
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesCleveland IndiansCleveland CavaliersDenver NuggetsCleveland BrownsColumbus Blue Jackets

     
    THF and Baron like this.
  26. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Last year you were just fucking around.
     
  27. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    We destroyed our quotas so they almost doubled them this year.
     
    HuskerInMiami, slogan119 and leroi like this.
  28. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact


    [​IMG]
     
    Doc Louis, BayouMafia and Goose like this.
  29. Goose

    Goose Hi
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsTiger WoodsFC Cincinnati

    Legend move. I did this a few weeks ago to someone taking over my conference call. He was too dumb to realize I muted him though. He called me after to fill me in on his “thoughts” because he thought something was wrong with his mic
     
  30. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
    Donor

    rookie mistake
     
    MoJo and beist like this.
  31. TC

    TC [expletive] strong ass post
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    First band I was in, the bass player sucked but he looked pretty cool headbanging so we just turned him all the way down. Only relatable story I got
     
    BayouMafia likes this.
  32. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    That sounds like a nice paycut unless the incentives scaled.
     
    Henry Blake likes this.
  33. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    They did that to me at an old company.

    I won the Sales Person of the Year award. I sold more than anyone else in the company that year. I got my new quota and ran the numbers and if I sold the exact same amount I would take a 30% pay cut. I was looking for jobs the next week.
     
  34. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    At least they didn't change up how the bonus was awarded. Like switching from straight% to tiered bonuses and then making the tiers harder to hit. Have seen companies try that and lose their best sales reps.
     
  35. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Oh they did that as well. Basically my comp plan was structured where 50% of my variable (commission) was in the last 30% of my quota. That’s why I took such a pay cut selling the same amount.

    It was frustrating though when I left; all the good reps left got a 25k base raise. A few called it the THF raise.
     
  36. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    I’m trying to talk the President from doing to a few guys this year but a few of them deserve it. They were macro deals that they just fell into. Some others of them do it every year no matter what because they grow every year. Doing “the same” should be a pay cut but 30% seems excessive unless there was a bonus for being THEE top performer that made up most of that.
    Were you able to replicate your income at the new place?
     
  37. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    There was no bonus outside of the achievers trip which was a taxable event. I decided to skip it and go on my own vacation.

    I left to go to a start up where I lasted a year due to internal challenges. I went to another smaller organization which competes directly with the previous company which I won salesperson of the year. I am on track to exceed my income at this company, however the first two years I was gone I did not. I had to rebuild the pipeline as this company doesn't have the brand recognition. However I will be able to exceed the income here I believe.

    My old firm has reached out several times to try and convince me to come back. Another benefit which is not quantifiable is the quality of life. I may have made more than I did the past two years, but my quality of life was much better than what I had at the original company as well.

    Talk to the President and find ways to incentify the actions you want (closing new customers, growing revenue, etc). Focus on core company goals, and pay for activities which reflect that. Thats the best advice I can give. If you need to expand your customer base, pay for new customers how ever they come and reward those further who do it consistently.
     
    HuskerInMiami and tjsblue like this.
  38. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    The program which I can't get away from for this specific business unit is product based commission. IE, the bigger your territory the more you get paid even if they pretend it incentivizes selling higher end products, the reality is you just want a big territory. Some people have grown their territory and deserve some of it. Others are growing because of the market or macro decisions and capacity. Other guys are starving and the product is months out. It isn't a good program but they pay it the same across the board.

    The other business units have set commission %, YoY growth % commission kicker, and a flat "winner" bonus in their structure which I think is the best way to keep paying the top guys. The top guys in that program don't sniff the super large territory in the other program which is a problem.
     
  39. TC

    TC [expletive] strong ass post
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    I read a book about cotton plantation slavery and it said the first day you brought in your bag they weighed it and from that day forward you had to hit at least that mark or you were severely beaten :ohdear:
     
    leroi, JohnnyChimpo and tjsblue like this.
  40. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Slave owners are now private equity.
     
  41. TDCD

    TDCD Handling the Fisher account
    Donor
    Florida State SeminolesConnecticut HuskiesBoston Red SoxNew England Patriots

    I like zoom’s camera control request feature where you can take control of other people’s cams.

    At my last job when I wfh’d I’d hijack the conference room’s cam and zoom in on anyone eating. I am real mature.
     
  42. TC

    TC [expletive] strong ass post
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    Haha oh man. Regular Jim from The Office right here
     
  43. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci How can less be more? It's impossible
    Donor

    Zoom also allows for seamless sharing of phone screens, which was great for when I had to demo a mobile app last year

    The windows screen sharing app for devices on your local network (e.g. sharing phone screen via projector) sucks so damn bad
     
    War Grundle likes this.
  44. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Yea with our business unit (software) we have three types of sales, Net New, which is a customer which spends zero with us, being sold something. Then they have expansion, which would be the customer buying a different type of software than they already purchase from us. The last is Addon, which is just another license of software they already buy.

    With our industry (real estate), we see a lot of add-on orders coming through. Our firm has said they are no longer going to pay sales people on this. Others still pay on it, so the more customers you have ordering products, the more revenue you can make on these transaction sales. Its not really technically sales, but it does require a sales person to process and manage the process. At my original company they tried to stop paying, and sales reps stopped worrying about it, and customer service suffered. So we now pay the Expansion Reps a smaller percentage to baby sit these add on orders. The expansion reps, are dealing with warm leads where in most cases the prospect is already a customer of another software. They are up-selling the customer something they don't already have. It helps drive additional revenue footprint in each customer and we incentivize reps based on their growth and retention as that is also a key metric to us.

    Lastly, its my team, which is the net new. Our team is the hunter, we are tasked with building relationships with accounts who spend nothing with us. Convincing them to look at our products and then ultimately making the decision to switch. Net new is the hardest sale in our world, so they comp it the highest. With the net new, the territories are mainly similar size of NPO (net potential opportunity) and its our choice how hard we work, travel, etc. However, our footprint varies. So for example, our corporate Hq is in Dallas and we have a strong adoption in the Texas area. So my quota (i work Texas) is the highest of the team. The newer team members in the territories which have less penetration have lower quotas and get paid a higher percentage, as they are having to work harder to build a brand and footprint in their territory. Plus our sales cycle is a lot longer than a lot of industries. My April deal is worth around a third of my quota and i have been working it for almost two years. It was one of my first meetings when I came on here.

    Overall for our industry, this is working well. It is better than what other firms have done. The other thing we did was give any add on orders which come from a net new customer to the net new rep for the first 12 months after a contract. This way you don't see reps holding deals waiting to see if they can get a few more licenses due to changes at their customer. They close it asap and then get the additional licenses as they come in.
     
    #494 THF, Mar 5, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2019
    HuskerInMiami and tjsblue like this.
  45. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Zoom is incredible. I love the audio quality, the ability to mute people, see who is talking, share anything etc.

    The one thing I laugh about is we have a technology challenged individual in our group (who sells software) who complained that Zoom was closing on them randomly without any reason, she claimed it was bc Zoom wasn't stable. Said she had concerns about using it because it might happen during her demos. I was watching her, and when she opened the participant screen (it opens on the right side) and she went to close the participant window by hitting the X above it, which is the X to close the main window. So she was upset that she was closing the window herself and ending the meeting bc she didn't know how to close the participant window.

    It took all my strength not to laugh at her.
     
  46. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    So I’m at my first job with quotas and goals. In on target already to exceed my quota by about 40% but I don’t think this is replicable in future years. Do most managers bump your goal up to exceed your previous years total?
     
  47. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    Depends. But most plans put in the thinking "Are we going to pay the same for the same amount of sales?". That's a hard sell. The company has to get a better payback every year from the business in today's world and the budget always has improved income, etc. IE, everyone has to get better every year to cover inflation, merit increases, etc. The level of how much this is built in and the balance of it is critical IMO. The more flexible the plan the better, but each person always feels like if you use that discretion unequally someone is getting a great deal and the other is getting cheated.
     
  48. THF

    THF Banned From Hogville for Being an Ass
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    It depends, with my industry, if the entire team blows it out of the park, yes, managers will bump a quota up a bunch. Most times, they look at the picture, if the rep was just busting their ass, a lot of the time, they will recognize that and not raise quotas a large amount.

    What people sometimes don't understand is if reps are given an attainable but hard to reach quota, the good ones will work to get there. Bad reps will never make it and are looking for handouts and the easy sales.

    If you give good reps an unattainable quota, which they feel they can't get to, a lot will just say fuck it and not try. Also it can be cyclical. A big first quarter sometimes, is the result of prospecting the year before and in some cases, deals that slipped from 4th quarter the previous years. Its important in sales to manage the highs and the lows. Always prospect, because that is what can save you when you hit a dry spell.
     
    tjsblue likes this.
  49. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    Been in sales 15 years. No rookie. I’m sales director for NA. I have a quota and a team quota. We had tiered incentives and we were pushed to get as much as we could since EMEA wasn’t doing as well.
     
    #499 War Grundle, Mar 5, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2019
  50. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    Thanks. I work for a non profit with fundraising goals. Half my job is delivery of a program and half is fundraising to pay for the delivery. It’s something I’m passionate about and the people that have funded me so far are aquiantances of mine who like the non profit I work for. I’m at 40 percent of my goal with two large events coming up that account for most of my goal every year. Just kinda of skeptical about blowing it out of the water the first years as I’m not sure I can duplicate that every year.
     
    Baron likes this.