Corporate Speak Thread_2019-03_Finalv7-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. og543ss

    og543ss ready to party? by party I mean smoke cigarettes
    Donor TMB OG
    Pittsburgh PenguinsPittsburgh SteelersPenn State Nittany Lions

    Spearhead
     
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  2. og543ss

    og543ss ready to party? by party I mean smoke cigarettes
    Donor TMB OG
    Pittsburgh PenguinsPittsburgh SteelersPenn State Nittany Lions

    Also why don’t we hear jargon like this thrown around in sports? And if we do what are some examples?
     
  3. TC

    TC Wake up, remember. We are born of one breath
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    Not sure if srs
     
    Wu, Fecta23, War Grundle and 5 others like this.
  4. beist

    beist Hyperbolist
    Donor

    matriculate down the field irritates the shit out of me.
     
    War Grundle and Boo MFer! like this.
  5. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia that slumdog millionaire Bollywood flow
    Staff Donor
    FulhamLSU TigersNew Orleans SaintsTexas Rangers

     
  6. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci How can less be more? It's impossible
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    it doesn't sound like jargon to you because you're used to it and you know what it means. maybe this is how corporate speak works for some people.
     
    Boo MFer! likes this.
  7. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Our new CEO presented at an all company meeting today. He specifically had a slide saying great companies are ones who can speak normal language and without corporate jargon to each other. I couldn’t believe what I heard.
     
  8. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb A donut without a hole, is a Danish.
    Donor
    Nebraska CornhuskersChicago CubsChicago BullsDetroit LionsChicago BlackhawksTiger Woods

    Think he's on here?
     
  9. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    It would be incredible and terrifying all at the same time.
     
  10. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
    Donor TMB OG
    Florida State SeminolesChicago CubsReal Madrid

    He won’t make it a year before the board ousts him
     
  11. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay Rays

    They all say this shit. Then they start level setting, circling back, thinking outside the box, running point, deep diving and looking at things from 30,000 feet.
     
  12. Corch

    Corch Hey Joe Rogan, is it almost lunch time?
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesDenver NuggetsCleveland BrownsColorado State RamsCleveland CavaliersCleveland Indians

    I think most of us have a person that we've worked with that basically personifies this thread.

    Mine is the AVP from my first real job. She was a nice lady but her vocabulary was at least half corporate jargon.
     
  13. TC

    TC Wake up, remember. We are born of one breath
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    My vocabulary is 100% TMB jargon. "Hello at the show. Everyone choose your favorite Coke, then get in there and make his ass quit!!!!!"
     
  14. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    We'll take this back and sharpen our pencils
     
  15. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
    Donor

    I’ll pencil you back in tomorrow to put our heads together and touch base.
     
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  16. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    Let's connect offline and gain some alignment so we can move this up the ladder. Should have something by COB EOW.
     
    tjsblue likes this.
  17. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
    Donor TMB OG
    Florida State SeminolesChicago CubsReal Madrid

    Conf call just now:

    “We need to analyze this with weblogs and other data to understand why customers are doing this.”

    Me:

    “Why don’t we just reach out and ask them why?”

    Conf call:

    Silence

    Silence

    Silence

    “Yeah, that’s prob great to get quantitative and qualitative data. Good idea.”


    No. Fucking. Shit.
     
  18. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay Rays

    Quant and qual*
     
    Fecta23 and TC like this.
  19. mizz1439

    mizz1439 Well-Known Member

    “You can’t make a baby with nine women in one month”
     
    TC likes this.
  20. InZahnWeTrust

    InZahnWeTrust Well-Known Member
    Auburn TigersPhiladelphia PhilliesPhiladelphia 76'ersPhiladelphia EaglesPhiladelphia Flyers

    A “voice of the customer” analysis is a great idea. Let’s get this ball rolling ASAP with a check point next week
     
    BellottiBold and slogan119 like this.
  21. CC

    CC Waiting for moments that never come
    Donor TMB OG
    Miami HurricanesLos Angeles Dodgers

  22. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Saw two new acronyms today.

    ICP
    CFL

    We were discussing the customer journey.

    Anyone care to take a guess?
     
  23. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    Ah the old "just do stuff like Apple, duh" motivational speech
     
  24. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    No idea so I'm guessing.

    Insight consumer profile
    Consumer first learnings
     
  25. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    Close but not quite. Those are damn good guesses though.

    It’s for sales.
     
  26. Corch

    Corch Hey Joe Rogan, is it almost lunch time?
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesDenver NuggetsCleveland BrownsColorado State RamsCleveland CavaliersCleveland Indians

    Brands into religions.

    Kill them all.
     
  27. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay Rays

    Insane Clown Posse
    Canadian Football League
     
  28. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia that slumdog millionaire Bollywood flow
    Staff Donor
    FulhamLSU TigersNew Orleans SaintsTexas Rangers

    I’ve used this :zoidberg:
     
    TDCD, Goose, mizz1439 and 1 other person like this.
  29. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    "What if the brand is true religion? "

    "Shut the fuck up Doug."
     
    Sub-Zero likes this.
  30. Goose

    Goose Hi
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesCincinnati BearcatsCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsTiger WoodsFC CincinnatiBarAndGrill

    I like SalesForce’s product but dear lord the amount of people I see in airports with all the “Trailblazer” stickers on their laptops is insanely lame
     
  31. TC

    TC Wake up, remember. We are born of one breath
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    "The more you look, the more you see."

    Actually happen to like that one though. Applied to the futility of trying to "assess" everything perfectly through "data"
     
  32. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    Imagine going on vacation only to realize it's during DreamForce.
     
  33. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    cheated and used google. Man I was close on ICP.

    CFL is fake because it doesn't even come up when I google CFL Sales. All I get is info on compact fluorescent lamp lightbulbs.
     
  34. Goose

    Goose Hi
    Donor
    Ohio State BuckeyesCincinnati BearcatsCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsTiger WoodsFC CincinnatiBarAndGrill

    Lol what the hell even goes on at Dreamforce?
     
  35. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    100,000 people cheer about being in sales? I honestly have no idea. All I know is they take over a city and San Francisco had no hotels and only like 6% of AirBnBs were available.

    And people at Alcatraz were way too well dressed and had too much hair gel.
     
  36. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    One of my sales guys says this and it drives me nuts.
     
    tjsblue likes this.
  37. TC

    TC Wake up, remember. We are born of one breath
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    [​IMG]
     
  38. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    Customer For Life

    I know this because my title is Dir of Customer Success. In our Danish HQ, they call their customer reps “Customer For Life Managers”. They wanted us to call our reps that and my team laughed.
     
    #588 War Grundle, Mar 28, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2019
  39. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Circle jerk.
     
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  40. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Tampa Bay Rays

    Buddy works for SalesForce and said first two times was fun but now hates it.
     
    Doc Louis likes this.
  41. heelfan

    heelfan Well-Known Member
    Donor
    North Carolina TarheelsCarolina PanthersPhiladelphia Eagles

    You guys aren’t going to believe this, but the first quarter is among the most important of quarters. Learned this little nugget today.
     
  42. JeremyLambsFace

    JeremyLambsFace For bookings contact Morgan at 702-374-3735
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksAtlanta BravesDallas CowboysNational LeagueAvengersBarAndGrill

    I would say it’s at least top 4
     
  43. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
    Donor
    Arkansas RazorbacksSan Francisco GiantsOklahoma City ThunderDallas CowboysSan Francisco 49'ersMontreal Impact

    And we have a winner.

    By the way Boo MFer! I mentioned the fact that the acronym for “Ideal Customer Profile” is in fact the same as the band “Insane Clown Posse” in the meeting where it was discussed. I figured you would appreciate that.
     
    Joe_Pesci, War Grundle and Boo MFer! like this.
  44. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
    Donor TMB OG
    Florida State SeminolesChicago CubsReal Madrid

    Our avatar for an ideal customer we’re targeting isn’t actually our best existing customer. It’s amazingly dumb but marketing can’t tell me why it is.
     
  45. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay Rays

    If that was my title, I would attach this GIF to every email I sent.

    [​IMG]
     
  46. Wu

    Wu LKY did nothing wrong
    TMB OG

    Gonna be balls deep in Internal and External Stakeholders here soon enough

    Gonna hold their stakes and fuck ‘em real good like
     
  47. racer

    racer Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.
    Donor
    Iowa HawkeyesKansas City ChiefsLas Vegas Golden KnightsOlympicsTravel

    Have you guys executed on your nonnegotiables yet today?
     
    HuskerInMiami likes this.
  48. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
    Donor
    Florida PanthersOrlando CityMiami DolphinsTennisWWEMiami MarlinsOrlando MagicMiami HurricanesUCF Knights

    "Ok let's make a lookalike profile of our best customer and call it our Best Customer Profile....whos our best customer?"

    "Jim"

    "Fuck? Jim? Seriously? That guys sucks ass"

    "Uhh....well he's our best customer. So I will make up that BCP..."

    "No no no no no no. I don't want more Jims. Jims suck. Ideally we would have something else. Someone cooler. Make it an Ideal Customer Profile. Then if someone asks questions blame it on market inefficiency opportunities. Hell yea Im a great CEO."
     
  49. racer

    racer Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.
    Donor
    Iowa HawkeyesKansas City ChiefsLas Vegas Golden KnightsOlympicsTravel

    What’s your 3-cone?
     
    Goose likes this.
  50. racer

    racer Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.
    Donor
    Iowa HawkeyesKansas City ChiefsLas Vegas Golden KnightsOlympicsTravel

    Give-a-shit-o-meter is an all time fave of mine.