Corporate Speak Thread_2024-01_Finalv11-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    I have a couple stories as well I can type out tomorrow when I am not on my cell phone.
     
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  2. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Not a single instance, more just general fumbling of basic skills that should be easily accomplished by a competent HR department. Many of which have led to departures as well as cost me talent during the hiring process.
     
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  3. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Nice people though!
     
  4. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    My wife’s company gutted their old white man hr department within the last year after several incidents of a harassment or sexual nature went ignored, among other boys club type problems.
    This was while she was pregnant and we went from no paid leave to 12 weeks paid plus bring your baby until 6 months.
     
  5. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
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    Have gone around internal recruiting almost every time. I’m very convinced they all work from home and do nothing but download the resumes and forward them. Used a “not approved” outside firm and they were offended. I set a meeting to discuss the decision and showed up with a timeline and every communication I received from them in 3 months they didn’t do anything and how quickly the outside firm found exactly what we were looking for. Their response was the outside recruiting firms were holding all the candidates... well yeah? And why does that convince me to not use them? Granted I hate all slimeball recruiters everywhere.
    The internal team all got fired and we’re exclusively doing outside firms now. I guess my experience is not unusual.
     
  6. DriveByBBQ

    DriveByBBQ Well-Known Member
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    VP checking in, don't have LinkedIn.

    - "The most valuable thing in business is correct information."
    - "People/entities do what they're incentivised to do"
    - Colleagues of an older generation a typically less efficient at completing tasks
    - Colleagues of a younger generation are typically more entitled
    - Working harder to make a case for increased compensation is counter intuitive. The message you think you're sending your employer is "Look at how hard I'm working, I deserve a raise." In reality, the message the employer receives is "This is how hard this person is willing to work at this rate of compensation." Both are true.
    - If you're doing the work of two people, there is no incentive to promote you because two people will have to be hired in your place
    - When in doubt say nothing, "the less said the better"
    - Knowing when and how to deliver unsolicited advice is an art
    - "If you have 7 hours to cut down a tree, spend 6 hours sharpening the axe"
    - "No one loves you more than you"
    - "People like it when you ask them questions about themselves"
    - Insecure superiors who feel threatened by their subordinates are toxic losers
    - Compensation; If you don't think you're worth it, you can't expect them to think you're worth it.
    - The ideal position is having the latitude to walk away without hesitation
    - Value us based on scarcity
    - If you don't like the people you're working with, you're going to have a bad time
    - "Money won't make you happy but being broke will make you miserable"
     
  7. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    I heard happy path for the first time yesterday
     
  8. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Typical HR need just isn't a skill, so it's an unskilled job that attracts unskilled people. Compare HR to other departments and their educational background or skillset and it's bleak. But that's almost how it has to be because who else would do that job? Plus since it's a job that is literally "follow the rules"...it attracts those people who always follow the rules and yet love gossip. And because of that skill set requirement, they typically don't mesh with whatever else the organization does since that's not their job. So they are always outsiders.

    Recruiting is hit or miss too. I just don't think people enjoy it. A few do and I've met some good ones in tech or for "fun companies" that people actively want to compete to work for. But generally they just want to do the paperwork and go home.
     
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  9. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
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    I haven’t heard that one in a while
     
    racer likes this.
  10. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
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    I love hiring and building. I’ve built my department from next to nothing. My recruiter on that was above average, but she realized I was in control if the process, did it well, and made good decisions so she let me run with it. In 20 months, we’ve had 2 departures, both fluke occurrences and not people pursuing better opportunities.

    Now I need to hire 5-6 and will have a new recruiter. Interested to see how she tries to manage this process or if she lets me run it. Really hoping I don’t need to push on her or go around her.
     
  11. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    They all think they're good at recruiting, yet filter out and ignore good candidates trying to chase after someone who's pretty much doing the job already instead of hiring for someone to make the next career step
     
  12. Fecta23

    Fecta23 Well-Known Member
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    My company sells software to recruiters/sourcers and they are the dumbest people I have ever interacted with on a whole. Some sharp ones in tech recruiting, some occasional others that are solid, but on a whole very dumb and lazy.
     
  13. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    Our HR team (two people) are less than impressive.

    So far I know of two instances where complaints were made about people and it basically backfired.

    One was a creeper who would come give hugs to several women and was constantly touching them while talking. That normally wouldn't be an issue but several confided that it was unwelcomed and weird. One of them made a complaint followed by another make making a complaint about some of his comments which were totally inappropriate. A couple were borderline racial, another was almost antisemitic. Following the complaint, he stopped speaking to the people who complained, however never changed any behavior to anyone else. It was just obvious HR named those who had complained. Recently another employee hung up some posters for halloween which had scary pictures. One was hung on a door which made it look like the door was frosted with bloody handprints on it. He walked up and says "So I get in trouble for being handsy with the women here, and its ok to put up bloody hands on the windows to the breakout rooms??" He was joking about his conversation with HR.

    Second, we had an SVP who was basically a bully. He refused to take any feedback from anyone and worked to dominate any conversation. He was the classic know it all. He and I got into a pretty heated discussion one day in front of the entire sales team and following that, I refused to engage him. Another employee had a similar incident with him, and she made the decision to go to HR. She filed a complaint that he was abusive and she didn't appreciate being talked to in front of others the way he did. The next morning she was making coffee in the breakroom with two other people when the SVP walked in and says "He there! Hey (female's name), guess what? I am still here? You didn't get me fired! Too bad huh!" She just sat there stunned with everyone else confused and silent. He ended up walking off.

    In addition to this, I have had people who were incredibly qualified come to me to help get an interview. I shared their resume to the HR team who was hiring, and they would never get a call back. I would give a great recommendation and explain they have worked in our industry for years, and nothing would happen. Next thing I know, they would introduce the new hire who was brand new to the industry, had little experience in the area of work, and in 3 or 4 instances, that person quit within two weeks of starting. Its hilarious.
     
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  14. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Yea it is.
     
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  15. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Listened to a short podcast this week about Making Meetings Less Terrible and I thought it was good. Made me interested in a book they talked about that's all about research regarding meetings.

    http://freakonomics.com/podcast/meetings/
     
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  16. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    As a rule of thumb, I pretty much loathe HR. They are people who basically gossip under a guise of professionalism. It's infuriating on so many levels. I've also noticed they can literally never think outside of the box, and operate like general squares that don't understand common sense. There's a reason C level leadership never really respects them, and they never get a real seat at the big boy table.

    That said, GE at least seems to have their shit together. The HR I've spoken with who went through their HR leadership program were extremely sharp. It's not uncommon to find strong educational backgrounds, and the ones I spoke with were very well versed in business topics with strong business acumen.
     
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  17. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    I swear there's a healthy amount of them who get into HR because they just want to know private things about people and details about who is in trouble.
     
  18. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    Yes I have been around multiple HR people in non-work settings who talk about work gossip and salaries of people like it's totally normal to discuss with others.
     
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  19. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    A company who gets it right has a tremendous competitive advantage and some have figured out investing in talented HR departments is worthwhile. Many still just use it as a disposal department and catch all for the cast offs, which is basically how it started.
     
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  20. Born Again Lefty

    Born Again Lefty Respect The Pouch
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    Didn't know whether to post this here or the Millienial thread, but I'm going to be introducing two-factor authentication and USB restrictions in the coming months for my company. The boomer tears will be plentiful.
     
    #1020 Born Again Lefty, Nov 6, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
  21. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    TFA May be secure, but it’s gross. Really gross.
    Hope you’re not on Microsoft suites. If so, you’re in for some shit.
     
  22. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Our reporting software got an update and dashboards are now called dossiers.
     
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  23. Baron

    Baron Well-Known Member
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    There is nothing worse than listening to recruiters trying to recruit sales people.
     
  24. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    Is this where you made me send you a picture of both my dick AND my butthole to authenticate my membership here?
     
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  25. Born Again Lefty

    Born Again Lefty Respect The Pouch
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    Miami Hurricanes

    Just saw this, but we are not on any Microsoft suites (for now). We have to comply with certain regulations so it’s coming no matter what, plus it is best practice.

    I’m fully preparing myself for the hell that I’ll go through implementing this globally in a manufacturing environment.
     
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  26. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Turnkey

    I loathe this term from new biz people whose offering is anything but "turnkey"... Literally got a creds deck about their turnkey process that involves what is for sure months of custom strategy, development, and execution work. And none of this is bad - but it's not turnkey. I don't understand the fascination with the term.
     
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  27. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    You've been banned from Corporate Speak Thread_2019-11_Finalv8-GB.PPTX
     
  28. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    :yousoricky:
     
  29. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb Living rent free in Jigga's head
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    “I’m here to help build that plane while we fly it”
     
  30. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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  31. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    Heard that a few months ago, "We are flying along and we lost an engine, we gotta get this thing fixed to keep it in the air".... fucking insane.
     
  32. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    Seems like a rather inopportune time to be building a plane.
     
  33. bturns

    bturns a better poster than Bertwing
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    So, i just want to let everyone know how much MyHR and Workday are fucking garbage applications...

    that was my input.

    I also think most HR is useless and i feel bad for the 1 or 2 decent people that actually work in that department because they usually get shit on and have to do the work of the other people because the majority don't do a thing.

    We have 1 HRBP who is actually really good, and her boss basically makes her do everything, and then handcuffs her if she tries to do anything that may be deemed "risky".
     
    slogan119, THF, Ty Webb and 1 other person like this.
  34. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Yeah all in one hris suites generally suck.
     
    bturns likes this.
  35. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    I just went 48 hours without a laptop. It took them a day to get figure out I needed a new one. Was supposed to have my new laptop first thing this morning but IT decided it was more important to fix some of the fax machines. Got my new laptop with the follow issues:

    -All of my archived emails are gone

    -can’t sign into Skype (because we have 2 avenues of IM, this is a problem for 50% of the people I deal with)

    -share point requires me to login every time now
     
  36. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
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    My new computer comes in next week. :ohdear:
     
  37. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    I'm working on a giant 3D layout and every time I change my viewpoint, it sounds like my computer is going to blast off. I'm hoping it overheats. Any day now.....
     
  38. Ty Webb

    Ty Webb Living rent free in Jigga's head
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    It was Blutarski/Germans bombed Pearl Harbor quality rant
     
  39. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    Have you tried turning it off and back on?
     
  40. bturns

    bturns a better poster than Bertwing
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    did you unplug it from the power supply then reconnect?
     
  41. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    If I’m viewing something in CAD and I try to change to the 3D view it’s a 50/50 shot that my computer shits itself
     
  42. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Did you know that electronic devices have a 30-second unplug timer and if you don’t let it get to 0:00:00 it won’t reset? That’s the rules!
     
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  43. InZahnWeTrust

    InZahnWeTrust Well-Known Member
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    Let’s run this up the flag pole and see who salutes
     
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  44. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    [​IMG]
     
  45. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
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    Skype and Slack

    In our company, the important people use Slack. The plebes use Skype. I don’t know my Skype login info.
     
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  46. ono

    ono Well-Known Member
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    Our company uses Skype for Business (I assume like most).

    But we have a Skype for Desktop group set up for those of us in the trust tree to discuss other things, including bitching about work and the GOP. It works well enough.
     
  47. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Teams is our other

    the ballers call and text for us
     
  48. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    I have Teams and Skype and I hate getting messages on either one. Email or call me.
     
  49. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint The future is a benevolent black hole
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    First day of my new job I try to log into Skype for Business out of habit. Log in given to me for most shit doesn't work.

    Boss says, "oh we don't use that."

    It's fucking great. We're a very small team though.
     
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  50. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    USB restrictions coming for some stupid reason

    And soon we're changing from Skype for Business to Teams

    My team uses Slack but company wide uses Skype

    I guess it's time to check out Teams. Does it suck?