Corporate Speak Thread_2020-03_Finalv9-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint It's like the Weimar Republic in that place
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    Makes you look like an idiot for letting your license lapse. Could also be a violation of some sort with the AICPA/state board. While you're claiming your license is inactive you're still holding yourself out as a CPA (sort of).
     
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  2. Flagpole

    Flagpole ps your cunt is in the sink
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    good friday video for us corporate bros

     
    #152 Flagpole, Apr 1, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2016
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  3. Wywan Bwowna

    Wywan Bwowna Wywan Bwowna
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    In my field, knowing who is and is not PMP can really come in handy. But, I work in construction project management. Even still, people who list it on their email are terrible people. Just put it on your business card
     
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  4. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    :golfclap:

    Wish they'd found a way to add "putting out fires", "fully baked", and "apples to apples".
     
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  5. The Milkman

    The Milkman Send lawyers, guns and money, shit has hit the fan

  6. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    let's not try to boil the ocean
     
  7. Smalldo

    Smalldo Well-Known Member
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    I had a meeting with a manager, senior marketing rep and an intern. They just kept using corp speak and I just sat there with a smirk on my face while the intern was wondering what in the hell was going on. They used Level Set 5 times within 14 seconds mixed in with 2 circle back's :facepalm:
     
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  8. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    I apologize prior to using jargon. Then curse myself immediately afterwards.
     
  9. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Just got a "Hey, Gin Buckets. Sorry for the drive-by, but...."

    Don't worry. I'll stop everything and help your incompetent manager not mess up a simple pivot table.
     
  10. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    The post above is probably better for the “things your co-workers do that annoy you thread”



    Your Employer Is Not Your Friend
    The company you work for is not your friend. It is not your champion, and despite the messaging in those HR emails, your company is not your family. Your company is a monolith with a singular goal: to make money for its shareholders (or in the case of privately held companies: to make money for its owners). No amount of company softball games, or gym discounts, or trust fall exercises can change that simple fact. The costs/earnings algorithm that your company uses will very rarely consider feelings over math. Oftentimes, your company will become so obsessed with that dirty little word—earnings—it will decide it’s best to get the fuck rid of a lot of people without humanizing whatcutting back means for those who worked with them. Instead, they might say that they have “decided to engage in a strategic truncation of resources,” or some equally vague rubbish.

    :loldog:
    at the trust fall comment. That said, he loses me a bit afterwards. Yes, everything execs say about caring for employees is bullshit, but at the same time they have to say that.
     
    #161 Gin Buckets, May 27, 2016
    Last edited: May 27, 2016
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  11. Pasta88

    Pasta88 Canes, Bruins, Raps, Jays and Sunderland.
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    I work in auditing and I can't stand when people refer to being on client site as being "in the field".
     
  12. colonel_forbin

    colonel_forbin Well-Known Member
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    Paint with a broad brush
     
  13. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Fair for a lot.of stuff but for this thread he does use a LOT of terrible corporate terms.
     
  14. jham23

    jham23 Well-Known Member

    I've been in the corporate world for about a year now and already tired of the BS. Our overused term is "deck" referring to power point slides. Maybe I had been living in a cave for my whole life, but I had never heard the term and now hear it at least 10 times per day.
     
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  15. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    Not corporate speak but I lose a part of my soul every month when we do birthdays.

    The singing and everyone making the same "are you one..." joke kills my insides
     
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  16. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    General bitching... One thing I effing hate so much is managers/co-workers that create work for no good reason.

    Example: We have 2 prep meetings and presentation meeting with a VP.

    We build this PPT before a meeting (5 hrs of labor minimum).
    During the meeting, we learn that the lady presenting it doesn't want our PPT, but only wants a 1-pager with a lot of information that she will present to the VP during one of his team meetings. (Fine, and adds few more hours of labor)

    Today, we get into the 2nd meeting and she wants more than what she asked for. Asked obscure questions/requests, and basically started to recreate the original PPT in a way that won't allow us to use what we already built. This will be 8 more hours of collective work, and we now have to have a 3rd meeting. To make it all worse, the VP we're presenting to gives 0 fucks how it's presented.

    It's shit like this, and the creation of utterly useless and unnecessary work that makes me want to :bird: this job and travel the world for a year.


    :bang::blowup:
     
    #167 Gin Buckets, Jun 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2016
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  17. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Changed the name of thread, figured it was a little more fitting.
     
  18. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    you forgot to add GB to initial your version's edits
     
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  19. OHW

    OHW Well-Known Member
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    I use circle back all the time. I can't bring myself to stop, it's taken me over.
     
  20. mma1

    mma1 Well-Known Member
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    Drill down on these new metrics
     
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  21. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Amazing thread title
     
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  22. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Story of my life... somewhat. Do 30 page report that takes days to do. Meet with VP. Tells us he just wants the first page which is a summary.
     
  23. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    "Why don't we just start with a high level review. Then we can drill down on select data points to see if there are some opportunities."
     
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  24. AHebrewToo

    AHebrewToo Albino Hebrew Extraordinaire
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    Decline and propose a new time: 8:30 am the next day.
     
  25. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Ok but who's going to take the bogey on the next one? We should define who's on point for that objective. But we can discuss offline.
     
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  26. AHebrewToo

    AHebrewToo Albino Hebrew Extraordinaire
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    I started working with a new client recently that overuses the word bogey. Nails on a fucking chalkboard.
     
  27. Pasta88

    Pasta88 Canes, Bruins, Raps, Jays and Sunderland.
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    "Take it offline" always comes after the two parties discussing the issue to be taken offline for five minutes during the call. What more is their to discuss?
     
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  28. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Whoever does, just make sure they tug the buttons and town hall it before go live. Lotta irons in this fire.
     
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  29. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Oh lord thank you for this
     
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  30. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    In my world, it either means they need to speak unkindly of someone in the room as something went off script in meeting, or they just don't have an answer.
     
  31. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    We can't; the entire strategy was built bottom up. It just won't level set.
     
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  32. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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  33. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Meeting at 4pm on a Friday? Seriously motherfucker?

    *Decline but do not send a response* :loldog:
     
  34. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Sounds good. Bob knows where the bodies are buried on this one so I'll ping him once I start putting out these fires. Thanks!!
     
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  35. AHebrewToo

    AHebrewToo Albino Hebrew Extraordinaire
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    You bet. I've got schedule management tips for days.

    I keep my work calendar blocked 24 hrs out (it is now blocked all of Thursday even though I have only one legit meeting) so that, when someone tries to dump their fire drill in my lap I can be like, "sorry, all tied up until 10 tonight. I can talk after that if you want."

    Nothing worse than assholes that mismanage their work and want you to save them. No thank you. I'll use my day today to get my work done so I don't have to ruin someone else's week.
     
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  36. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    I'm going to have to block off 4-5 pm for the next few years
     
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  37. BellottiBold

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    I just threw up in my mouth
     
  38. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    I hear some variation of that pretty much daily.
     
  39. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Been a while since I checked in here. Can someone please spin me up on what I've missed? Just the nuts and bolts are fine for now as I'll give the thread a deeper dive as time allows.
     
  40. Baron

    Baron Well-Known Member
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    Being in audit, I feel like I can never compose any type of communication that's not too wordy. Pisses me off.
     
  41. je ne suis pas ici

    je ne suis pas ici Well-Known Member
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    "give me the thirty thousand foot view"
     
  42. The Milkman

    The Milkman Send lawyers, guns and money, shit has hit the fan

    You live in my world. Exsct thought process
     
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  43. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    green field
    new logos
     
  44. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    I put in the champions league and Euro games six months in advance

    I have a lot of 2:45-close meetings on Tuesdays and Wednesdays
     
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  45. BellottiBold

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    :laugh: we are same except I have the west coast version (extended lunch appointments)
     
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  46. Zebbie

    Zebbie Hey Mike, guess what I have in my underwear?
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    The City Engineer (who I work under) is the king of this shit. Luckily I've got so much shit to do that when he gets some idea in his head that I have to work on right then, I can blow it off for at least a week because of all the other actual important stuff that needs to get done before I can attend to this horseshit assignment that only needs to be done because he's scared shitless somebody might ask him about it & he doesn't have an answer right then & there for them.
     
  47. Zebbie

    Zebbie Hey Mike, guess what I have in my underwear?
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    If I ever hear that I'll have to fight the urge to answer with: "we're fucked"
     
  48. Corch

    Corch Hmm surprised you didn't know that
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    I literally heard "circle back offline" and "decks" used 15x over the last two days.

    This thread gives me so many weird feelings, I love it because I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who has to listen to this fucking jargon and wanting to puke because I hate it.
     
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  49. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Some people don't use it at my work. Then there are some people who act like they took a class on speaking this way
     
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