Corporate Speak Thread_2020-03_Finalv9-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. Corch

    Corch Hmm surprised you didn't know that
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    My vp is a master speaker of this language
     
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  2. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    I don't get much of this compared to you guys but I work with all former military so everything is an acronym and that's what kills me
     
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  3. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    In my world the jargon is used by mid-level managers whose jobs are, for the most part, worthless
     
    #203 Goose, Jun 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2016
  4. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    In my experience, the people who use that type of language are trying to sound smart/knowledgeable/useful
     
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  5. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    I'm ok with "deck" since its actually describing an actual thing. I just cant stand words that are meant to sound like something is happening but nothing is really happening.
     
  6. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    My least favorite is "can you drive?" The first time I heard that I wanted to movie to a Peruvian forest and never encounter another human.
     
  7. Smalldo

    Smalldo Well-Known Member
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    How was it used? I would have the biggest blank stare on my face and probably respond with Yeah where we eating lunch just to piss them off. Just speak like a normal person
     
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  8. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Can you drive - You get on my computer if you're gonna tell me how it's done.
    Can I drive- Can I show you something on your computer?

    Or in presentation settings, the driver is projecting.
     
  9. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
    Donor

    I've heard "can I drive?" Usually used when someone wants to take control of your computer
     
    Baron likes this.
  10. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    Yep. Hear that one regularly.

    Need to keep county today of how many times I hear these things. I hear these types of comments probably every meeting, and since I'm always in meetings :killme: it's gotta be triple digits the amount of time I hear "corporate speak."
     
  11. OHW

    OHW Well-Known Member
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    For the "can you drive" discussion - I'm always the one leading our WebEx because I have a team lead type position. The worst is when someone sends me something they're presenting and expect me to click through it. Nah motherfucker, I'm giving you control and you're going through it.
     
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  12. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Yea I'm not taking ownership of somebody else's bullshit
     
  13. Gin Buckets

    Gin Buckets Well-Known Member
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    I've been keeping track this morning, so I wrote this one down after this was said in my first meeting of the day... "We've got to fill the trough, and even out support. Last year we spiked spend in week 41, so this year we need to make sure everyone's comfortable where our numbers lie no matter what side of the hill they may fall"

    Or in other words... We spent all of our ad spend in 1 week in Q4 2015, in Q4 2016 we are are evening out that spend over all 13 weeks.
     
    #213 Gin Buckets, Jun 24, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2016
  14. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Listening to a guy, On multiple calls, refer to a simple task list as a "technical business process architecture blueprint". Followed by "so who's handling that?"
     
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  15. CTownND

    CTownND Well-Known Member
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    I prefer a simple "presentation" but "deck" doesn't drive me as crazy as "preso."

    "Mind printing out five copies of the preso and hopping in the conference room in 10 minutes?"

    "Sure, right after I blow my brains out"
     
  16. Biff Bridges

    Biff Bridges The words. You are good with the words man
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    My buddy is an Air Force pilot and uses RCH regularly. Apparently when you want to say something was "thinner than a Red Cunt Hair," you can't just say it on the radio.
     
  17. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    synergy
     
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  18. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia slowly learning that life is ok
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    never heard this one

    pretty sure I'd punch someone in the face for saying that
     
    PAHokieinRVA and Cotton500 like this.
  19. Corch

    Corch Hmm surprised you didn't know that
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    There are people that have no idea this hell exists.
     
  20. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    I use preso all the time. :idk:
     
  21. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    I hear or see preso multiple times per week. Never uttered it or wrote it. deck is okay because it harkens back to the slide decks, slicks we used for presentations pre ppt.
     
  22. Menelaus

    Menelaus The Red-Haired King
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    Did you turn that book?

    Translation: did you make the updates I asked for in the pitchbook?

    I wanna die
     
    steamengine likes this.
  23. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia slowly learning that life is ok
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    least surprising thing I've read all day
     
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  24. Corch

    Corch Hmm surprised you didn't know that
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    I think "level-set" might be the worst
     
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  25. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    It's so pervasive in my world that I sometimes use it. "set expectations" is my preferred term, but sometimes I get sucked in. I'm not proud of myself. That said, I do go out of my way to avoid jargon.
     
    Corch likes this.
  26. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode private villa and the fur chinchilla
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    I work in digital media / advertising as well


    Mentally calculating what months "Q3" is supposed to mean has been a big ass adjustment....
     
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  27. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode private villa and the fur chinchilla
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    • decks
    • media mix
    • vendors
    • invoices
    • SOW (statement of work)
    • ATB (authorization to buy)
    • KPI (key performance indicators)
    • Webex
    • b2b / b2c
    • "ad hoc"
    • "bespoke"

    :song:
     
  28. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    my company is not on a calendar year, so that always fucks someone up.
     
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  29. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Yea our fiscal year is August through July for some fucking reason
     
  30. OHW

    OHW Well-Known Member
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    Most of these are actual things.
     
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  31. Menelaus

    Menelaus The Red-Haired King
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    Alabama Crimson TideReal Madrid

    I had a treasurer of a Fortune 500 company tell me that whenever he sees "bespoke" in a pitchbook, he cringes. Thankfully we left it out that time.
     
    hood b. goode likes this.
  32. Fecta23

    Fecta23 Well-Known Member
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    Listening to our recruiting manager talk with a recruiting firm business development person and the amount of corporate speak going on is unreal. They are talking a lot but actually saying fucking nothing.

    "What are the core corporate values of WP"

    " Seems like small team with a flat organization that really needs team players and "owners"

    Also the end of quarter emails about getting deals across the finish line makes me want to puke. I really think working in a corporate environment like this kills your soul and personality.
     
    #232 Fecta23, Jun 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016
  33. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    It does
     
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  34. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    If you don't mess with "as-is vs. to-be" than we can't speak in a meeting place.
     
  35. Kirk Fogg

    Kirk Fogg "Tell them what they've won Olmec!"
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    Had one come in last week for an hour long meeting at 6PM on a Friday. The invite came out at 4:30 with a note that just said "please join the call at 6.". Declined immediately. There are some people on this proposal team have no concept of personal life. Here are some highlights:
    • They made an initial draft response of our RFP due on Memorial Day. When called out on that, they moved it 8AM on that Tuesday with a "that's the absolute latest we can accept deliverables."
    • A week later, I went to bed with 0 emails, and woke up with ~75. The IT leads got in a heated discussion over the "tech stack architecture" at 1AM and replied all to the entire work group for the next 5 hours.
    • Now it's 4th of July week. I'm out the 1st through 6th. I get asked this afternoon to participate on a call at 8AM tomorrow (firm holiday), and I decline to let them know it's a firm holiday and offer to have a discussion on the 7th when I return. They ask if I would be willing to come back to work a day earlier because this call can't wait until then. They've yet to give a reason what the call is about.
    • Edit - left out that this is a multi-stage proposal process. We've only submitted for round one, and waiting to hear back if we've been selected for round 2. These meetings are taking place when we don't even know if we're moving forward yet. Round 2 is also a 6 part response, with 3 parts known and 3 parts specific questions about our initial response. Our internal team is asking everyone to start drafting responses to these 3 unknown questions.
     
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  36. AHebrewToo

    AHebrewToo Albino Hebrew Extraordinaire
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    The number of useless, cost-center drafted, emails I get infuriates me.

    Sometimes I just want to write, "unsubscribe" in response to their stupid fucking emails.

    No, I do not want to take the Independence Day quiz for a chance to win a company mug. Yes, I would like to fire you, take your salary, and spread it across the people that actually make this firm money.
     
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  37. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    me rn on mute on a 7pm conference call

    [​IMG]
     
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  38. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    anyone else constantly hit with what yard line your project is on?

    Cause football analogies!!!!
     
    #239 Sub-Zero, Jun 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016
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  39. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
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    end of the month and quarter. Did y'all hit your bogie?
     
    Fecta23 likes this.
  40. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    HR people are the fucking worst.

    "Destination Work Place"

    No shut the fuck up.
     
    goose likes this.
  41. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    "We want people excited to have found their dream job!!"

    It's an entry level phone call heavy / research position that doesnt crack $28k. Dream job!!!
     
    BellottiBold likes this.
  42. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesWashington Football TeamAtlanta United

    :loldog: at our glass door ranking. HR encouraging management to put out positive r3views to counteract the negative ones.
     
  43. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    same guy:
    ------------
    Team,

    We need all of these issues in a centralize Issue log that gets ranked (green, orange, red or similar) and are addressed at every checkpoint meetign until driven to closure.
     
  44. AHebrewToo

    AHebrewToo Albino Hebrew Extraordinaire
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    Translated: Handle your shit.
     
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  45. Fecta23

    Fecta23 Well-Known Member
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    My director ( who I like actually): " If I have the bandwidth next week I can take a look into it"

    Soooo if you have time?
     
    BellottiBold likes this.
  46. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia slowly learning that life is ok
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    I'm guilty of using bandwidth quite frequently
     
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  47. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
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    what's amazing to me is how terrible they are at making good reviews. Here is a shit company in Charleston with tons of 1-star reviews that paint the whole company as a bunch of sociopaths, littered with the odd 5-star review saying everything is just peachy. These are the "Cons" on some of the 5-star reviews:

    Cons
    You need to have an open mind to adapt to a client's demand on the fly. There is no room to say "I can't". The con is "no passing the buck" and the job has to get done. Working in a fast paced digital world...expect to learn, adapt and master new technology and techniques daily. That's how our generation earns money.

    Cons
    While employed at [redacted], the company was focused on growth, as it should have been. However, I don't believe many of the analysts or account team members understood clear career paths, compensation structures and further opportunity at the company.

    Cons
    There are high expectations and long hours at times but that is pretty much the case at any successful company. The culture is light hearted but is also a serious place of business...as it should be. This is not an HR post but an honest evaluation. If you are planning a career in digital marketing, there is much to be learned by this team and the founders.

    Cons
    Is [redacted] a fast-paced place where there is a lot of work to do? You betcha, but welcome to the nature of this industry. If you don’t want to work hard and want to be promoted every time you do something nice, then no, you probably shouldn’t work there (but good luck finding a sustainable business that promotes for every good deed, while allowing you to cruise by on a 40 hour work week - you have to pay your dues at any company). If you want to learn a lot, allowing you to grow professionally in a short timeframe or allowing you to be employed elsewhere relatively easy (as with the account analyst position), then you should explore this company. There is opportunity to grow within, but as one of the other reviewers pointed out you have to be willing to go after the opportunity, as it may not be handed to you or set in stone what “the next step” looks like. This type of environment is understandably not for everyone but I think the opportunities (if you go for them) and the co-workers can make up for a little uncertainty related to defining your next title.
     
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  48. Bruce Wayne

    Bruce Wayne Billionaire Playboy
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    Michigan Wolverines

    Anyone's company employ Lean or Six Sigma and have any resources on it they can share? Those terms are starting to float around Wayne Enterprises.
     
  49. leroi

    leroi Rival Shark Boat Captain
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    [​IMG]