Corporate Speak Thread_2024-01_Finalv11-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Military would not have the colon.
     
    TC likes this.
  2. seanofthedead86

    seanofthedead86 Well-Known Member
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    0300-0330 or 1500-1530

    the person referenced in the post is a psycho.
     
  3. RockHardJawn39

    RockHardJawn39 #FranklinOUT
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    Sometimes excel gets fucky if you try to do 24hr times without a colon.
     
  4. Shawn Hunter

    Shawn Hunter Vote Corey Matthews for Congress
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    Our EMR at work uses 24-hour time and includes the 0.
     
  5. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
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    Damn, I’m still at 10,000 feet. Executive life must be great at that height.
     
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  6. matistic

    matistic Well-Known Member
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  7. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Thoughts on read receipts from external and internal? I always check no. I think they’re mostly ridiculous.
     
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  8. Simon Templar

    Simon Templar Well-Known Member
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    External while stupid has some merit. Internal can get fuct
     
  9. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    7 months in, company (of about 25 people) is planning a Boston meetup. Excited to hear our CEO drone on about EBDITA, earnings, profit margin and new portfolio company acquisitions in person

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    I love auditing old coworker’s LinkedIn profiles. The amount of absurd fluff and outright lies would make Clinton blush.

    “Directed the implementation of solution which immediately increased revenue by 200% and decreased order fulfillment time by 400%. Project came in $3 million under budget and 6 months ahead of schedule.”

    No, dude, you were a project manager for a COTS application upgrade that took like 8 weeks for the 5-6 resources to complete part time. You tracked all 11 project tasks in Excel.
     
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  11. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    It's too bad you can't comment on those like they were a facebook post.
     
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  12. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint The future is a benevolent black hole
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    Or endorse for “puffery”
     
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  13. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    honestly this speaks to a larger issue with resume writing when you are someone who works somewhere in the cogs of corporate America. likely, even if you kickass at your job, you didn't achieve some crazy quantitative achievement by yourself. But people are expected to write numbers into resumes to show success. But in a sentence or two it's ridiculous to encapsulate months/years worth of work as a part of a team or department. I almost dont blame people who cross the line from 'gotta write this resume' to 'exaggerating imapact'
     
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  14. Pile Driving Miss Daisy

    Pile Driving Miss Daisy It angries up the blood
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    Yep, it's fucking insane. I had to fluff my resume up for this job I started back in June last year even though I was going to be hired on by a former co-worker.
     
    #1864 Pile Driving Miss Daisy, Apr 19, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2022
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  15. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    I switched jobs 4 years ago. I started hunting with a direct one pager and got minimal hits. I puffed it up with nonsense like above and interest skyrocketed.
     
  16. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    My resume has good numbers in it but it still reads more like I achieved it myself. Which I hate. But thats how its supposed to be written. I would prefer resumes were literally just lists of skills/responsibilities and no metrics whatsoever. its ridiculous thats expected given that more often than not its not verifiable. I just want to know if you managed a marketing plan and know how to do that well - I couldn't care less if you drum up some 394783984% growth out of thin air.
     
  17. PAHokie

    PAHokie Can't a bitch living say I bought her Michael Kors
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    I’ve had an outstanding application for setting up engineering licensure in other states for like 2 years because they didn’t like the narrative I had to describe my work experience. It’s painful to try to write that way. Why won’t they accept. “I designed a lot of stuff”
     
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  18. $P1

    $P1 Ball State #1
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    [​IMG]
     
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  19. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    What happens with read receipts when you open an email on your phone?
     
  20. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Fuck project managers
     
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  21. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Are you behind schedule, over budget, or does your shit not work?
     
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  22. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Haven’t even started. It’s 4/7 on the priority list.
     
  23. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    I'm escalating this
     
  24. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Do you have a blocker?
     
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  25. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Oh he’s escalating. Now I get to find out if my manager/director have spines.
     
    Goose likes this.
  26. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Definitely know those types of managers. They never last long. I've been lucky as hell on my current project. Haven't had to escalate anything and we wrap up here in a few weeks. Our middle management is actually improving. Our lower level workers and senior management are terrible.
     
  27. kennypowers

    kennypowers Big shit like a dinosaur did it
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  28. Name P. Redacted

    Name P. Redacted I have no money and I'm also gay
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    Normal imo if you’re using 24 hour time
     
  29. Kirk Fogg

    Kirk Fogg "Tell them what they've won Olmec!"
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    Can I get a refreshed RAID log in this week’s status report?
     
  30. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    “Blue sky thinking” has me triggered.

     
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  31. Kirk Fogg

    Kirk Fogg "Tell them what they've won Olmec!"
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  32. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    boil the ocean
    low hanging fruit
     
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  33. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    “In order to reduce complexity and increase our efficiency, flexibility and scalability,”
     
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  34. TC

    TC Peter, 53, from Toxteth
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    Smile File
    Nerd Herd
     
  35. Corch

    Corch My son got the Denver Nuggets jeans
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    Somethings like "circle back" or "take it offline" make sense, things like "blue sky thinking" drive me fucking bonkers and thankfully I've never actually heard that one.
     
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  36. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Today is bi-monthly sprint planning. 7 hours of corporate speak.
     
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  37. kennypowers

    kennypowers Big shit like a dinosaur did it
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  38. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    what is this
     
  39. Shawn Hunter

    Shawn Hunter Vote Corey Matthews for Congress
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    One of my grad school professors got furious at our class one day and went on a lengthy rant because we were all making fun of the corporate speak.
     
  40. CUgator

    CUgator Well-Known Member
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    gotta block your calendar daily until 9am.
     
  41. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    AFA8B13E-0007-4A22-8D53-2E0405F4BFAB.jpeg

    I’m bored as fuck for MUCH less than $450k per year.
     
  42. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    Incredibly stupid
     
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  43. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    I’ll save you $250k on your annual boredom budget rn @netflix hmu
     
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  44. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    For a good example of LinkedIn brain and why it doesnt work on twitter:








    some quote tweets




     
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  45. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    #hustlengrind
     
  46. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    “If you’re lucky you’ll end up working a soul sucking white collar job for an organization that couldn’t care less about anything but your productivity. You’re not getting ahead by wasting weekends soliciting bedroom communities. Throw that coffee away and go get high or something.”

    —jbr
     
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  47. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    someone called me out on a team call for looking sad or something so I came up with "Resting Zoom Face" and I think it has potential.

    EDIT: oh this exists
    upload_2022-6-7_13-48-8.png
     
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  48. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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