Corporate Speak Thread_2024-01_Finalv11-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Why did he need a boner to interview?
     
  2. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    My new company having passwords disabled on all browsers and LastPass only allowed on edge is going to force me to use edge. I don’t like it.
     
  3. Pile Driving Miss Daisy

    Pile Driving Miss Daisy It angries up the blood
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    bhwahaha, that sucks so much. There are desktop applications you can use if you want but you'd have to export your passwords and import them
     
    racer likes this.
  4. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    Sigh....got laid off today. Ecommerce q3 slowdown and all:blech:

    Ill bounce back. fingers crossed
     
  5. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    Was on vacation last week and back to work today. Can confirm that work still fucking sucks.

    At least with wfh I can just stare at my screens and make sure I don’t go yellow on Teams. That’s about all you’re getting out of me today, corporate America.
     
    Hank Scorpio, Baron, ScFan27 and 8 others like this.
  6. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    In today's episode of normal or serial killer.

    People who use italics as their primary font.

    The only thing I can think of where this may be a totally normal thing I never thought about is I recently saw it for an executive assistant. So is it normal to have italics to differentiate your words from the people who you sometimes email on behalf of? I have no idea but though it was a potentially interesting reason.
     
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  7. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    Sorry :(
     
    hood b. goode likes this.
  8. ohhaithur

    ohhaithur e-Batman
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    There are apps that will do this for you fyi
     
    TC likes this.
  9. Eathan Edwards

    Eathan Edwards Well-Known Member
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    If someone brought me a Bloody Mary on a Saturday morning I would give them 10-15 minutes of my time.
     
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  10. Fecta23

    Fecta23 Well-Known Member
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    Customer: How much does this cost?

    Me: 5K

    Customer (DEAD SERIOUS): What if I just give you product feedback and you give it to me for free?
     
  11. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Shooters shoot
     
  12. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    Old teammate who works at our biggest client: Hey you know...by the way...the last 3 months of poor campaign performance we were trying to figure out? (Multiple people, including me, got let go / laid off because of it)

    Me: .....yeah

    Teammate: Turns out the developers fucked up the guest shopping cart checkout since april... Only registered accounts could check out

    its no wonder the marketing campaigns tanked by 55-60%.

    Not sure how long they knew about the bug and didnt tell anyone

    Me: .........

    Teammate: Devs were just like WHOOPS.

    Then they went on 10 days of PTO.

    yeah....people are pissed at them right now


    Me:
    [​IMG]
     
    Hank Scorpio, arrdub, Baron and 18 others like this.
  13. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    That’s awful
     
  14. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    I dont even know if Im doing it justice. Ive been staring at a wall for almost an hour
     
  15. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    I deal with software engineers so im pretty much immune to their bullshit but dear god that tops anything I’ve seen
     
    fattus, Doc Louis, Sub-Zero and 3 others like this.
  16. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    I don't trust any of them mf's. Gotta go investigate and dig into problems and test that shit yourself because they don't test shit at all... just release and some idiot QA person who doesn't actually know how shit works signs off on it and it's released to production.

    Sorry man that sucks, you'll bounce back.
     
    Goose, Kirk Fogg, fattus and 2 others like this.
  17. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Open up a meeting with just yourself. Then you can auto adjust you status to green or red as you wish. No apps needed. You can go inactive and the status will stay
     
  18. Vinegar Strokes

    Vinegar Strokes Fire Izzo
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    you don’t need to be in a meeting to do that. You can adjust your status to always stay on available / busy in top right corner.
     
  19. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Yes, but I think if you go inactive you can't stay green
     
  20. ono

    ono Well-Known Member
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    Yeah I’ve googled it, not possible to always stay active.
     
    Vinegar Strokes likes this.
  21. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Guys open notepad, place mouse or something heavy on the space bar or 0 number pad key.
     
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  22. Pile Driving Miss Daisy

    Pile Driving Miss Daisy It angries up the blood
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    As a dev, if we fucked up that bad to the point it costed the business so much money that they had to let people go I'd probably be getting the axe or some significant shit would come down on my team. It's also why I'm glad I don't work on the core part of our application that is customer/client facing.
     
  23. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    We had to replace some QA people this year because they were not testing well enough and out right lied when asked if certain bugs were addressed. I work in the Bus Intelligence field and when customers are afraid to update production environments because they cant trust an update it's not good for those on the customer facing side.
     
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  24. kentucky_dawg

    kentucky_dawg Fan of: Georgia
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    But also if your business relies that heavily on dev you should be investing in safeguards or individuals who know how to implement those safeguards. Shitty processes imo
     
    Kirk Fogg likes this.
  25. Pile Driving Miss Daisy

    Pile Driving Miss Daisy It angries up the blood
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    Right, that's somewhat my point. If you are a software/SaaS company then your QA processes should involve rigorous testing and regression testing.
     
    kentucky_dawg likes this.
  26. beerme

    beerme Well-Known Member
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    this shit hits home. We just switched payment providers to the recommended vendor by our ERP software last week. Amongst a myriad of issues, day 1 the software tried withdrawing $475,000 unauthorized from our customers accounts to pay balances and successfully withdrew over $91,000 that we did not have permission to. I found out why, the logic they used to design the auto pay feature was to withdraw all open / due balances for our entire customer base without specific terms, and they forgot to set the terms.
     
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  27. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    and you know some asshole said “yep all tests passed” instead of saying “we need more time to test”. Either incompetent or pressured to not give a fuck.
     
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  28. Name P. Redacted

    Name P. Redacted I have no money and I'm also gay
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    Bus intelligence huh
     
  29. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    F02E0884-7787-4753-BE90-C0223172D5F8.gif
     
  30. Name P. Redacted

    Name P. Redacted I have no money and I'm also gay
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  31. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    Forgot some might not realize.
     
  32. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    A flurry of resignations and promotions at work lately. I deactivate the resignations and congratulate the promotions, while I remain steadfast in my goals. Always interesting around these parts of the corporate world.
     
  33. kinghill

    kinghill Cool American Flavour
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    One thing that has interested me is the urge to gain an understanding as to how these promotions occur. I only know how it’s happened in the couple times in my personal experience. But the situations where I see a CTO retire and wonder who will take their place… but wait, along comes a VP… and then a Sr Manager. No CTO replacement though. I’m sure interesting discussions have been had.
     
  34. Corch

    Corch My son got the Denver Nuggets jeans
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    I think I've heard the words "headwinds" and "thrash" more times in the last 3 months than I have the rest of my life combined.

    "Thrash" in corporate context really annoys me.
     
    TC, Bay Bandit, Doc Louis and 2 others like this.
  35. The Banks

    The Banks TMB's Alaskan
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    “Don’t have the bandwidth”
     
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  36. Eathan Edwards

    Eathan Edwards Well-Known Member
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    I had someone use the "30,000 ft view" phrase twice in a meeting today and I just ordered a shot of vodka in the middle of the meeting.

    If I had time I would love to rehearse using these phrases incorrectly to throw out whenever someone is using buzzwords towards me:

    "We like to utilize a 5ft view approach"
    "We prioritize inside the box thinking"
    "We like to reach for the high hanging fruit"
     
    RockHardJawn39, Sub-Zero and PAHokie like this.
  37. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Thrash like working really hard and fast to get a job done?
     
  38. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    it would get my hopes up that they were talking about the Against Me! classic "Thrash Unreal"
     
  39. Corch

    Corch My son got the Denver Nuggets jeans
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    That's the thing, I'm not exactly sure. It's being used as some sort of catch-all for words uncertainty, challenging, and the need to pivot quickly.
     
    racer likes this.
  40. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    The only time I recall hearing it in a work-related context would be from racing and racing TV coverage and someone would be like ‘the crew has been thrashing all day to get the car ready/fixed’ and that sort of thing.
     
  41. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    “Low hanging fruit” I may despise the absolute most since it’s mostly used by senior leaders who aren’t doing any of the actual work. So they just throw that around for anything they think is easy no matter how much work it actually requires.
     
    BellottiBold, TC, Kirk Fogg and 4 others like this.
  42. jbr

    jbr Well-Hung Member
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    My company just got done with a multi year program to replace all the old Peoplesoft shit (with new Peoplesoft shit). It’s been a complete nightmare for months as the rollout moves forward.

    But there is hope. A beacon in the darkness. Lemonade from lemons.

    Final/updated time off balances were calculated this weekend. Guess whose July vacation wasn’t counted and has an extra week off now?
     
    #1943 jbr, Aug 8, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2022
  43. fattus

    fattus Well-Known Member
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    Ew. Why would anyone still use PeopleSoft after Oracle ruined it?
     
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  44. TC

    TC Peter, 53, from Toxteth
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    I'm thrashing about trying to imagine how they're using this
     
  45. TC

    TC Peter, 53, from Toxteth
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    Wait. This type of fuckery isn't limited to state agencies and extends to the private sector?
     
    fattus likes this.
  46. pratyk

    pratyk Arsenal FC, Rutgers Scarlet Knights
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    Round these parts, the more popular term is BI.
     
  47. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode B I O I N B I O
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    If my ceo posted himself crying on Linkedin for likes....think I'd leave
     
    kinghill likes this.
  48. Whammy Business

    Whammy Business Well-Known Member
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    We have a SaaS vendor. I cringe every time I'm told about code releases.
     
  49. Baron

    Baron Well-Known Member
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    Lol what??? You went from Peoplesoft to new Peoplesoft? Gross.
     
    fattus likes this.