Dad jokes

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Joe_Pesci, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

    The bartender asks the rabbit, what will you have?

    The rabbit says, I’m not sure. I’m only here because of autocorrect.
     
  2. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    laughed like an idiot again
     
  3. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
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    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
     
  4. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    South Carolina GamecocksCarolina PanthersCarolina Hurricanes

    Geology rocks, but geography's where it's at.
     
    lazy bum, Lucky24Seven, g8r and 8 others like this.
  5. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
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    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    Why can’t melons marry? Because they cantaloupe
     
    Wicket, g8r, DirtBall and 1 other person like this.
  6. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    Why do vegetarians have the best mixed tapes?

    Because they how to find sick beets
     
    IowaHuskerFan3 and herb.burdette like this.
  7. Baron

    Baron Well-Known Member
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    Cincinnati BearcatsCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsTennisTiger Woods

  8. 20/20/20/20

    20/20/20/20 running thru the house with a pickle in my mouth
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska CornhuskersCharlotte HornetsCleveland BrownsDetroit TigersNebraska Cornhuskers alt

     
  9. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    Patient walks into his psychologist’s office and says, sometimes I feel disrespected.

    For example, my relationship with my sister is like Lucy treats Linus.

    The psychologist responds, have you been tested for a peanuts analogy?
     
    One Two, DirtBall and bigred77 like this.
  10. shaolin5

    shaolin5 Well-Known Member
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    West Virginia MountaineersAtlanta BravesDallas CowboysBig 12 Conference

    Do you know what my Grandmother said right before she kickers the bucket?

    "Hey Grandson, watch how far I can kick the bucket."
     
    One Two and herb.burdette like this.
  11. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    You ever hear about the superhero w the lisp that always worked out?

    He’s Thor
     
    Funshot Residue and Marbles like this.
  12. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    Why does the Norwegian government put barcodes on the outside of all government boats?

    So when they return to port they can just Scandinavian.
     
    Funshot Residue, g8r, HotMic and 12 others like this.
  13. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    How are ticks and the Eiffel Tower alike?



    They’re both Paris sites
     
  14. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
    Donor
    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    What do you call a caveman fart?

    A blast from the past

    my 6 year old hit me with that one this morning
     
  15. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    You’d think that with the tropical nature of the product, pirates would love Capri Sun…but they’re drawn to the Hi-Cs.

    Also, you’d think Orange would be their favorite flavor because of scurvy but it’s actually gRAPE
     
  16. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    Why dont strippers use air conditioning when they get hot?

    Because they use onlyfans
     
  17. One Two

    One Two Send it!
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    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    What do you call ghost boobs?


    Paranormal entitties
     
  18. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    What is Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

    1841C2BC-5D6B-4D52-9D85-308C30DDD8F0.jpeg
     
  19. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
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    I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

    IM LIVID
     
    shawnoc, Lucky24Seven, Wicket and 9 others like this.
  20. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    Saw a massive huge stereo system at a garage sale. It had a note on it that said “Volume stuck at full blast.” But it only cost $1.

    And I thought “you can’t turn that down.”
     
    2, shawnoc, DistantFactor and 13 others like this.
  21. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    A guy threw a jar of mayo at me and I said “What the hell, mann!?!”
     
    Nandor the Relentless likes this.
  22. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
    Donor
    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    You were on a bit of a roll until this one. The attempt is always appreciated though
     
    shawnoc likes this.
  23. Butthead

    Butthead narmas, narmas

    What
     
  24. repoocs

    repoocs Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet
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    Notre Dame Fighting IrishCincinnati RedsCincinnati BengalsXavier Musketeers

    81MoLlbTRBL._SL1500_.jpg
     
    Butthead likes this.
  25. Butthead

    Butthead narmas, narmas

    DistantFactor and repoocs like this.
  26. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
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    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    Blue Plate the best Mayo
     
  27. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
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    Wtf is best foods
     
  28. Craig Pettis

    Craig Pettis Que será será motherfucker
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    Memphis TigersTennessee VolunteersSt. Louis CardinalsMemphis GrizzliesMetalPoker

    a misnomer apparently
     
    Truman likes this.
  29. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    kewpie
     
  30. One Two

    One Two Send it!
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    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    Duke’s > all other Mayo
     
    PennCage and AubCabs like this.
  31. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Kansas State WildcatsTexas Rangers

    Bacon grease mayo from my local shop Goodfriend Package > all other mayo
     
  32. DUCKMOUTH

    DUCKMOUTH People don’t you know, don’t you know
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    Southern Mississippi Golden EaglesNew Orleans SaintsGrateful DeadPoker

    Well yeah. We talking national brands. Local place here does a bad ass garlic Mayo.
     
    One Two and a.tramp like this.
  33. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Kansas State WildcatsTexas Rangers

    That was in reference to Dukes. It may be national but I have never seen it in a store.
     
  34. The Banks

    The Banks TMB's Alaskan
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    bro and a.tramp like this.
  35. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Kansas State WildcatsTexas Rangers

    DUCKMOUTH and The Banks like this.
  36. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    The way that people confuse “entomology” and “etymology” bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.
     
  37. bro

    bro Hey Hermano
    Donor
    Tennessee VolunteersLos Angeles DodgersDenver NuggetsBuffalo BillsBuffalo Sabres

    You talking about a totally different tasting type of
    mayo!
     
  38. bro

    bro Hey Hermano
    Donor
    Tennessee VolunteersLos Angeles DodgersDenver NuggetsBuffalo BillsBuffalo Sabres

    Hellman’s
     
  39. Lucky24Seven

    Lucky24Seven Ain't nothing slick to a can of oil
    Donor
    Indiana HoosiersNotre Dame Fighting IrishChicago CubsChicago BullsChicago BearsChicago Blackhawks

    The sounds from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sounds from a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is a coo sticks.
     
  40. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    A diehard Mariah Carey fan bought her a parcel of land as a present. How did the diva respond?

    “I Don’t Want a Lot For Christmas.”
     
  41. One Two

    One Two Send it!
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    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    a.tramp likes this.
  42. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    My obese parrot died today. It’s sad, but truth be told, it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.
     
    bigred77, cdaysker, The Banks and 5 others like this.
  43. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    I got my wife a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
     
    shawnoc, bigred77, cdaysker and 2 others like this.
  44. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    If you are at the library and you get hit on the head with a book, you have only your shelf to blame.
     
    bigred77 likes this.
  45. Connor Norman

    Connor Norman Cool ass dog
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    Georgia BulldogsAtlanta BravesAtlanta FalconsAtlanta United

     
  46. Shinzonᴵᴵ

    Shinzonᴵᴵ °°°°
    Donor
    Florida GatorsChelsea

  47. HotMic

    HotMic Insider
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  48. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersMemphis Grizzlies

    Never yell into a colander….it will strain your voice