Let's seeeee I've crapped myself while frantically looking for a bathroom at White Water Shat my pants downtown Athens, was as quiet as a mouse on the taxi ride home Got hit with a case of food poisoning during a basketball game, had to pull the ol turn around maneuver to puke and ended up squirting all over the stall door, just left it to drip cause fuck you I was sick
When I was a kid my dad and I watched the NYC Marathon race by his apartment. Greta Waitz was in the lead and in my 10 year-old innocence I asked my dad if she cut her leg. "No son, that's not blood. She definitely shit herself. Ain't running fun?"
In the spirit of telling poop stories: One night I was walking home from a friend's house as a teenager and I had to poop so bad. It was one of those body temperature changing shits, which is always diarrhea. I finally couldn't wait any longer and decided to poop in the porta-potty in front of a house that was being built. I slung the door open like Cam Neely in Dumb and Dumber, slid my shorts down, turned around and liquid pooped all over the god damned lid that I didn't think would be down. I had shit water all over my shorts. Thankfully it wasn't light outside, but I still hid behind bushes/power boxes the whole way home when I saw a car coming.
I got caught in a traffic jam earlier this year during that ridiculous cold front in February. The roads were straight ice and apparently some dickheads couldn't get up a hill (this was in the south, and no cars were on fire somehow). I had been sitting there for about 2 hours so I started drinking a few road beers. It was about 5 degrees outside so I didn't want to get out, but had to piss real bad. I grabbed a 20 oz. water bottle and pulled my pants down to my knees since I had on thermal underwear without a dickhole. I'm kind of hovering, trying not to let the other cars see what was going on and started the flow. The line immediately started moving. So I freak out and put the car in drive so now I'm driving on ice with my knees while trying to make sure I don't micturate myself. As I'm pissing I notice this bottle isn't gonna be nearly big enough, but there was nothing I could do at that point. Pissed all over myself and the car. I spent the next three hours alternating between opening the windows to let the piss smell out and putting on the heater because it was five degrees outside. Cliffs: Piss outside like a man.
Think I posted this before the crash. Was in my dorm room in college playing guiter. Suddenly shit is running down my legs. No warning whatsoever. I was violently ill for the next 36-48 hours.
Jerked off in a work truck one time going down the road. Rubbed it into the mat. I enjoyed it but my coworkers riding along never looked at me the same again. Spoiler I really did that but no one was in the truck. I'm an awful human being.
1. Shit myself on the way home from Golden Corral two years ago. Puked and shit. Had the meat sweats and everything. 2. This past winter the flu hit me while driving on the freeway. Construction everywhere, couldnt pull over. Puked all over passenger side of car. Finally pulled into a BP where the restroom building was locked. Puked all over the door before pulling my pants down to my ankles and doing a wall sit/shitting on the front of the building. People clapped and took pictures. Luckily I had my Deputy shirt off already but I had to use undershirt/napkins to wipe.
Back in high school my friends and I would get drunk and walk around the neighborhood. One night during Christmas break one of my friends says he has to shit. Instead of holding it and walking all the way home he jumps on the hood of a car and just drops a steaming turd. Almost made us puke from laughing. This became a thing and he probably shit on at least 20 more cars throughout high school.
I made it through class, but I lied to my friends about going home to make dinner before meeting up to go out; my ass needed to explode, and I wanted to drink alone for a little first.
The morning before the last day of the bar I shit my pants (not severly, I saved most of it with a clench) in my hotel room, and shit about 4 times in the toilet. I was absolutely certain it would strike again during the test and I would fail due to the shits. Somehow, I made it though. I was truly #blessed
Oh and another time in college I brought a girl back and woke up and I had obviously sharted in my boxers and she was gone. I'm 90% certain she had left and as soon as she did I semi consciously let it rip, but I never had the heart to ask her.
Probably my greatest athletic accomplishment was about 4 years ago. I ate hibachi and it hit me like a pile of bricks as I was on the way home and turning on my street. I started sweating and cramping up just holding it in my ass. I was so scared to move that I just sat in my car in the driveway holding it in for about 10 minutes. It was such an awful feeling being so close to freedom but so far away at the same time. But yeah, I've blown a little dust around the house. No good stories though.
Once rocked a super juicy fart in like, the first two minutes of a high school football game. Nothing super productive, but I could feel some slime back there. Told everyone in the huddle and people couldn't stop laughing for pretty much the next two series. Got in at halftime to wipe as best I could. At this point, it was like yellowy-brown and blood -- chaffing was so fierce that my whole, uh, area was abrased. Powdered up as best I could and finished the game. The shower after was easily the top five most painful experiences of my life. Felt like Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg was testing every single feature of the ZF1 on my anus. However, simple magnolia scented baby powder(that one kid swore by because he loved the smell) caked on after the shower made for a tolerable morning.
I shit my pants in my own house once. I had been taking a laxative for a while, and it hit me like a train. I ran to the closest bathroom, but it was occupied, so I had to run to the other side of the house to another bathroom, but it was too late. I let out a fart and felt something warm in my britches. I had taken off my shorts midrun and felt a splat as I made it into the bathroom. Yes, there was a little bit of shit on the floor. I barely made it to the toilet when I finally opened the flood gates. I had to throw away my boxers and clean up the floor. No one ever found out.
I was over at my brothers house while he was helping me change the oil in my truck. I was on a mexican beer kick at the time (I was like 20 years old) and had bubble guts. We were both under the truck and I tried to cut a fart. All I heard was a splat, and my fears were confirmed when I stood up to check my boxers. I asked my brother if I could borrow some of his underwear and he said it was fine. I go in the bathroom and throw my underwear away. They were filled with yellowish/orange pudding. My brother gives me a pair of his underwear, and of course they were these faggy french nut-hugger speedo type things that he wears. After I cleaned myself off I put them on and went out. my ass was so raw for like a week
I knew within a millisecond that the fart was a phony and clenched up. My butt crack took the brunt of the attack. It's a real soldier. Butt crack deserves a Purple Fart medal for hopping on that grenade.
I guess on second inspection, it is a perfect line of goo. Looks like you've got some strong and reactive glutes on you there.
Had knee surgery like a week ago and was on percocets. I don't do much in the drug department but was going through withdrawals. Some of the symptoms are diarrhea and vomiting. Basically you feel like you have the flu. This is first time going back to practice after surgery. I'm a high school football coach so after workouts, we go on field for Indy and 7 on 7 work. It's 100 degrees and I feel like crap. I started to feel that temperature change and a little rumble in my stomach. Practice ends and I run my ass to the car as quick as I can. I felt like shit and just wanted to be home. I only live 3 minutes away but have to cross busy intersection and stomach pains were manageable. Right as I was leaving the school, I knew I couldn't make it. Drove to gas station down the road. Sprint to bathroom, skid marks are present and lock in. Suddenly I feel this weird feeling in my jaw (always do when I throw up) and grabbed trash can as fast as I can puking guts out. Sprayed a little on toilet wiped and walked out. Didn't even care.
I was at my desk and I always take one ear bud out to make sure the fart isn't audible, so I was paying attention to it with all my senses but the butthole is a tricky fucker and I misjudged it, butt thankfully I was so in tune with my bowels I knew that something was rotten in Denmark immediately.
I had real bad food poisoning one time and while I was vomitting in the toilet I diarrhea'd all over the wall across from the toilet. Shit was everywhere
this reminded me of an old gibbons threads. NSFW. NSFW Spoiler http://www.the-mainboard.com/index....girls-roll-warning-hairy-butthole-itt.108293/ saw this on barstool sports Reader Email Yo, real asshole from penn state. He almost fucked her the other night, but she passed out on her side and he took a picture of this.
Had to take a shit late night at the first Bonaroo. All the porta potties were flooded so I walked side stage behind a stack of speakers and shit. Wiped with boxers then tossed them in a trash can.
Sooooo you vomit...naked? Seen this in my travels. Not preferable, obviously, but not a deal breaker when 17 heavily poured bourbon and cokes deep.