Couple years ago I was sick with a stomach virus. Felt horrible, explosive liquid shits all day, intestinal cramps, and all that. I go to bed and get a decent night sleep. I wake up the next morning feeling better and I'm just laying there. Felt a little pressure down there so I go to let the fart slide. Could tell it was more than air instantly and felt the warmth running down my ass crack. I clinch up and try to roll out of bed without making matters worse. As I walk to the bathroom a little turd juice runs down the back of my leg. Get to the toilet and nothing comes out. Had to use toilet paper to dig out the smashed turd in my crack. Get it all wiped out, return to bed. Careful as I was still left a skid mark of turd juice on edge of bed.
One of life's simple joys. I often stand on the top rail of my deck and piss off of it in the late evenings.
As you may have seen in the gutter garden thread, I don't have a ton of land. Still, get me five beers deep and the entire plot is my urinal at night.
Was finishing up a round of antibiotics for some illness, the bottle had the warning: may cause diarrhea label on it but I was like 5 days in and no issues. Wife at the time was being intolerable so I decide to go wash the jeep. Because I wasn't interested in going home right away I went to one of those self wash bays on probably one of the busiest roads in town (Colonial for any Orlando people). Got my quarters in and am doing my thing when I feel the massive pressure in my gut. I look across the street and see a fast food place but I'm only about half done with the car. I notice there is a restroom shed at the back of this place so I head over there. Once I realize it's padlocked shut and start walking back to my car the timer goes off and it's like a GD countdown clock. There's no reasoning with my anus at that point, it's just 7, 6, 5.. Realizing I've got the choice of exploding my pants or dropping them in the stall with essentially a parking lot of cars with full view I just drop them and unleash stuff I ate at least ten years earlier. For volume, I may have set some kind of record. It was a steaming pile that I'd have actually been impressed with if it weren't for the people in their cars all honking and laughing at me. Thought about using the wand to attempt a cleanup, but I didn't want to get arrested for what would look like butt sex in an open place so I just hosed off the car, sat in my fecal remnants all the way home and threw shorts and boxers away. The seat forever smelled like sick, frothing ass and I sold that jeep about a year later.
One time in HS, I had come down with diarrhea shortly after arriving to school (so around 7:30). It was freshman or sophomore year so didn't have a car yet. Naturally, called my mom who said "tough shit, deal with it". I was fucked. Basically got to the point where I YOLOd before it was a thing and knew inevitably some was going to leak out and just had to time it between when I was able to go to the bathroom and what classes I had that were more densely populated (more difficult to pinpoint who the culpoopri wast). Well I made it to 4th period out of 7 before someone said "hey what the hell someone smells like a baby's diaper". I was pretty low key and kept on keeping on like nothing was the matter. Thankfully the boy was 3-4 seats diagonally away from me and no one else really smelled it. Somehow I went the entire day with no one knowing I had accumulated various forms of diarrhea in my lower garments. I went to use the bathroom in the nurse's office at lunch (single toilet sink and such and it was a nicer bathroom). As soon as I opened the door to leave, the nurse horrifyingly but calmly said "oh my god". I said nothing, grabbed my backpack and went on my way. When I got home to fully survey the damage, it's kind of hard to explain what my boxers looked like. I'd say like a large sized shit rodent that had been turned into roadkill. I had lost a decent pair of boxers, but had gained some degree of masculinity and respect from my parents. Remembering back, it's probable I had Taco Bell the night before.
Gatorade bottle was for piss. The shit part I decided I would have used the road divider concrete thing. Never came to that though.
The thought of somebody hanging their ass over one of those and dropping a deuce while an unsuspecting patron sees from the lanes passing by on that side is cracking me up.
Sharted on the golf course once when I was about 13. Kinda crouched down in the fairway beside my bag (I was walking) and used the worst of my two towels to wipe. I left the towel in the middle of the fairway. Also, about 3-4 months ago I sharted in a bar/restaurant bathroom while pissing. Went from the urinal to the stall and stripped down, wiped, threw my boxers in the corner and put my jeans back on. I felt bad about leaving my soiled boxers for someone to pick up, so I wadded TP around my hand, picked up my boxers and tossed them in the trash. The look on this guys face at the urinal was priceless as I washed my hands and walked out. I had tears streaming down my face laughing as I told the people I was with.
The amount of TMBers leaving shitty garments around for others to find is appalling. Throw that shit away you sick bastards.
So I got wasted at the TAMU @ Alabama game this year. Went out Friday night. Ate and had some beers but nothing too wild. Wake up the next morning and my friends wife is cooking up some breakfast. She asks if me and our other friend staying there wanted anything to eat. I said no fuss, I'll just have some of the conecuh you've cooked up, no need to go through the trouble of cooking eggs or anything for us. Meanwhile our friend/her husband is feeling like crap. Says he's got the violent shits and threw up once or twice. He's a teacher and is blaming it on the damn kids getting him sick again. I tell him to chug some pepto and get back on the horse. But wisely he decides to take it easy. Meanwhile, though having some liquid shits, I figure it's just beer shits and I'll get over it. So I start the day with a couple big bloody Caesars. A few hours later we make it to the quad tailgate. I'm drinking Old Chub and starting to get pretty drunk. I keep yelling "HOOK 'EM" at every Aggie I see because I'm just that guy, apparently. Decide I'm still feeling a little off so I go to one of the porto potties on the quad and drop probably my 3rd watery shit of the day. Once it's out of me though I feel good. So before the game me and a friend that met us down at the quad decide to go over to his sister's house before the game because he was staying there and needed to get something. It's my first time ever in her house, pretty damn nice for a college kid. Anyway we leave and start making our way to the stadium and this is where things take a turn for the worse. I'm real drunk already, and on the way to scalp some tickets. Well genius that I am realizes I can't go in the game without some booze. So we stop at a little package store that's on the way to the stadium and we pick up a pint of Fireball. We end up scalping some cheap tickets in the lower bowl, and I have to say, I'm pretty happy. We get to our seats and of course there are two A&M fans in the seats directly behind us. As previously stated, I'm being a dick bag to TAMU fans so I decided I would turn around and yell "HOOK 'EM" every time we scored. We went off in the second quarter and have 40-some odd points. The pint of Fireball is no more, and we have clearly worn out our welcome in this section of blue hairs. So me and my friend leave the seats and begin walking around the stadium. Now, I should mention I'm black out drunk at this point. I remember going and standing near the sidelines, but most of this part of the story is pieced together from other people's accounts and my snapchat story. I don't know when or where I was when it happened, but I remember how it happened. I had one really big sneeze and then BOOM! I feel it immediately. I don't think I was in the stadium. I think I had walked back to my friend's sister's house looking for him and was on my way to Gallette's when it happened, but I can't be sure. What I am sure of is diving behind some cars and against a wall in the Bear Trap parking lot and just sitting there in my own filth and shame. There was no ditching the boxers and free balling it, because it was a lot and I had worn some nice slick compression under armor underwear that really allowed the liquid shit to soak through. I frantically called my friend who had been sick earlier in the day and tell him to pick me up. This is when I begin to come out of the blackout because I get ahold of him and he tells me he has already sent his wife down to pick me up. All that came out of my mouth was "...dude...no...I shit myself..." Well it's too late at that point and about 3 minutes later she is there to pick me up. Unfortunately she couldn't get to me with gameday traffic so I had to walk down to a church parking lot to get picked up. Apprapo, as I clearly needed Jesus in my life at this point. Luckily my walk of shame wasn't too bad as the golf shirt I had on was a size too big and draped nicely over my shit stained pants. I hop in the backseat of the car, embarrassed as I will ever be. She doesn't say anything other than "I know, he told me." We had a nice quiet ride back to their apartment with the windows down. Despite my efforts to clean up the back seat (thank god it wasn't cloth) they still took her car to get detailed the next day and got a nice discount because of the story.
An old roommate broke up with his girlfriend and the next morning found a giant turd on the hood of his car.
Yeah. He said he was only mad for a split second then laughed his ass off. This same guy told me a good poop story. He sleeps naked and when he farts in bed he pulls a buttcheek to the side for maximum effect. One time he sharted and it came out like a super soaker all over his bed.
I did this at work but not because I was sick but apparently I don't know how to wipe my ass. Had to wrap my boxers in a paper towel and throw them into a dumpster behind the building. High point of my legal career.
I was under the impression Caesars were with bourbon. Either way that's what I was drinking, bourbon bloodies.
My ex said she had to on the 408 about 2 exits away from my house. Told her to hold it. She let go while I was on the exit ramp. Just shit everywhere. She took my car home that night and had it professionally cleaned the next day. She blamed it on a baby.
in my early 20's I went down to Bowling Green to party. On the way I felt some rumblings from below, but they subsided, and I didn't think anything of it. We parked and started walking to a house and the issues returned, with a vengeance. the sweats, the sense of imminent danger, the whole 9 yards. We got to the party and I was hoping for an upstairs out of the way bathroom, but it was a single story place with one bathroom, right off the main floor where about 100 people were, with a line. No way was I going to be able to take care of things in that scenario. I tried to relax, but not too much. It came in waves, I'd feel ok for 20 seconds, then minutes of agony, while I struggled to hold back the inevitable. I told my friends that we had to go somewhere, quickly. We left the party and walked to a bar around the corner. I thought about finding a bush, but he issue of clean up was a problem, and the bar was right there. It was packed, and I bee lined it for the bathroom. It's basically 2 urinals and 2 stalls, completely open, no doors, and no toilet paper. I go back out, grab a friend, ask the bar tender for a towel, and head back in. I have the friend stand guard while I drop trou and do my worst. all sorts of evil left my body, and I cleaned up with the nice white towel, then threw it in the corner. I felt bad for the cleaning crew that had to find that, but fuck you, get some toilet paper. I felt like a million bucks shortly thereafter.
I work with a lot of Indians. Most of them are pretty Americanized. However, when I worked at DISH, they would fly offshore support people here for 3 months to train then they'd go back and train others. These guys......... They'll spend 5 minutes washing a coffee cup but then destroy a stall and not wash their hands. One time I went to poop and stepped into the stall and it was like a cow got hit by a semi in there. Shit just sprayed all over the place. There was even a shit hand print on the wall. ETA: One benefit was one time they flew in a smoking hot Indian chick whose sole purpose in life was to get impregnated by an American.
Still in Ocala half running a lawn care company. And I'm pretty sure I could convince him to shit on a car next time I'm back home.
After I graduated from college I moved over to Spain to teach English/party my ass off for a year. After one Saturday night of some pretty hard partying I was coming home at about 8 in the morning. Was riding the metro when I suddenly had to piss pretty bad. Held it for the 15 min ride to the nearest stop by my apartment. Got out and was basically running past a bunch of Spaniards going to church to try and get home. Thought I was gonna burst my bladder so decided to just piss in the nearest alley. While pissing I let out what I thought was just gonna be a nice lil fart. Next thing I knew I was spraying diahrrea all over my boxers. Stripped my boxers and jeans off right in the damn street and tried wiping my ass with what was left of my boxers. That was fairly futile so I ditched them right in the middle of the road and put my shitty jeans back on. Awkwardly walked the rest of the way home and immediately threw my jeans in the washer and took a shower. Luckily didn't wake my roommates up and they never found out about that. No clue where it came from and was probably the quickest I've ever sobered up.
Tonight's menu -2 pints zombie dust -1 perfect rye Manhattan -tuna crudo with avocado -Confit duck with squid ink tagliatelle -high west campfire -me going T2 on the toilet I am empty
I was at a rehearsal dinner a few years ago and shit my pants at it out of nowhere. It wasn't a ton of shit, but I immediately went to the bathroom and cleaned my ass up as best I could and threw my boxers into the trash. I free-balled the rest of the night in dress pants. I then proceeded to black out after hitting up bars the rest of the night with my buddies. I normally just sleep in boxers and a t-shirt...in my blacked out state I must have thought I had boxers on...I pulled off my pants in the hotel room that night and passed out. Woke up the next morning to a buddy I was sharing the room with telling me to put some fucking shorts on. I had passed out with just an undershirt on on top of the covers and my presumably still shitty ass laying on those covers for hours.