didn't exactly shit myself, but one day, about a month into my previous job (im an optician) i took a monstrous demon slime shit, the kind you get after drinking makers mark and eating greasy food.. well i had to use 2x the normal amount of TP + stole one of the females baby wipes hidden in the cabinet just to make sure i was good. after doing this i flushed and the toilet immediately said . my whole grease shit + all associated paper products comes gushing out of the toilet as i realize the plunger is in the front costumer restroom. i remove my slave garb (lab coat) and walk to the other bathroom, grab the plunger and hold it tight to my leg facing the wall so my all female co-workers don't know that im a barbarian.. get there and the water has nearly reached the carpet in the hallway going to the lab, i just chuck the whole roll of paper towels onto the floor and kick it open near the threshold to stymie the flow. wade through the water and plunge the toilet,and the toilet finally unclogs. at this point the front manager comes back to ask if i can dispense a pair of glasses for her. in my panic i dont respond. im just trying to be silent and hope she goes outside to look for me (staff lounge, smoke, bullshit area, i spent 75% of my time there) but she knows. she again says "rob? did you hear me" at this point i decide to fake sick and tell her in my best flu like voice "uuuuhhhhhhhh, sorry myra,i think i got food poisoning.. i just puked. give me a second, ill be right out to help" she says "fine" like all cunts do when they know you are lying.. and walks off. i start frantically pushing the shit water towards the drain ( drain in the floor thank ) with the shop broom we kept in there, after about 5 minutes and 3 rolls of paper towels i have the bathroom floor clean, with just a hint of wetness, i throw a dash of fucking purple fabuloso on the floor for the smell.. then go into the lab, dunk the mop that i was too stupid to use into the mop water, and drag the whole mop bucket and mop outside and start spraying it with the hose like i just used it to clean up puke. Myra then comes out back, sees that i am cleaning up an obvious puke incident and tells me to go home sick, but to come in early tomorrow so i can finish the extra work. i was at home by 10AM. (tl;dr , i bombed out the toilet and faked puking for pride reasons because i was trying to fuck the new receptionist, went home sick, nobody knew)
I've had several close calls today Zero doubt I won't shit my pants at some point this weekend, but at least I'll be at home
this is me drank a bunch of beer last night, and had sonic chili cheese tots and chili cheese dog at 11pm before going to sleep last night then had a bunch of asian food for lunch something is brewing inside of me, and it isn't going to be pretty
I have Ulcerative Colitis, and when I drink a lot it does a lot of weird and bad things to my butt. Well, this past weekend I was in Nashville for my bachelor party and went too hard Friday night. Also ended up in a fight at the end of that night too but that's a different story. Saturday we went downtown and watched the Buckeyes, then went back to the hotel to drink a bunch of fridge beer we bought because we couldn't take it with us on our flight home the next day. Ended up going back downtown around 9, and we went to Lonnies Western Room (Karaoke bar). My friends made me go up and sing "You Never Even Called Me By My Name" by David Allen Coe. During the song, a hydrogen bomb went off in my abdomen and it was taking all the strength in the world to keep it in. I started cold-sweating really bad and during a high note of the song I inadvertently let a little squirt.. I finished the song, and tried to meneuver my way off the stage in a way that I wouldn't show my backside to the crowd and shuffled to the bathroom where I unleashed about a gallon of brown water. I tried my hardest with TP, hand soap and water to get the stain out, but it was to no avail. I was stuck with a quarter sized brown spot on my bright teal (non cargo) shorts. I walked as fast as I could out of the bar, telling my friends I needed to make a phone call as I walked out of the door. Flagged the first cab, went back to the hotel and changed. Made it back in about 15 minutes, and I still don't think anyone knows it happened.
This thread disturbed me so I did some research and A LOT of praying and I found out that Hoss Bonaventure is the only one among us who is right with the Almighty. www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0BNz02JQN4
I didnt shit my pants, but my 2 year old did just leave this gem for me in the bath tub :/ Spoiler [\spoiler]
I don't know what is funnier, the story itself or the fact that you went out of your way to make it known the shorts you were wearing were not cargo shorts. You know, because Ohio and all. Excellent post.
I've got a pretty solid shit story, but I may have shared it before. Anyway, I was in Houston meeting my gf's mom and family. I was a little embarrassed to shit in the condo, because I figured it would smell like death, until I got a golden opportunity. My gf and her mom were going to walk the dog, and I informed them that I was too tired and I'd just chill at the condo. As soon as they're out I head to the bathroom faster than a 911 response to a white neighborhood. It's a whale of a shit and it ends up clogging her toilet. I realize this early and start searching for a plunger, but I didn't realize this toilet was gonna run forever. I slowly react and turn the water off to the toilet and unclog it. The damage is done, shit water runs all into the bathroom and into the hall way, it goes into the bedroom and soaks the carpet, and it also fills the floor of a small coat closet. When it's all said and done, I'd estimate shit water touched a solid 40-50 sq ft of floor. I have to basically use her mom's towel to clean up shit water, and I'm trying to get this hazmat situation handled. Once I get the carpet somewhat dried and the water in the bathroom dried up, I move into the coat closet. Much to my chagrin, I find that a lot of clothes are hanging to the floor, including her mom's wedding dress, were soaked from capillary action. At this point I had to just call her and let her know what happened. Thankfully they found it hilarious and were cool about me shitting all over the condo. Of course we're not dating anymore. I shit on her mom's wedding dress.
Every time this goes off the first page and comes back a few days later, I think damn Hoss did it again
This happened years ago while I was working outside sales for a company. I had just started a diet, so I was eating a lot of greens at the time. I had lunch with a customer at applebees where I too had a grilled chicken salad for lunch. We finished up there and I began the drive back to my office where I had to fill out some paperwork before the end of the day. From where I had lunch to where my office is approx 45 miles, with 30 miles of that being a country highway with nothing but ranches and literally zero gas stations. So i get about 15 miles into this journey and the urge to take a massive shit comes over me, so much that my stomach begins to knot up and I began to sweat profusely. I seriously contemplate pulling over on the side of the road and just shitting on the side of the road and use my socks to wipe, but figured i was probably 10 minutes from a gas station if I stepped on the gas. So I pull into a brand new gas station, just out of my truck and leave it running, while sprinting to the bathroom and beginning to unbuckle my belt/pants. I get to the bathroom and there is one stall, and it is occupied. I say hey man, I'm not sure if you're done, but you need to get the fuck out of there right now. Surprisingly he responds to my threat, I guess he could hear the urgency in my voice. I get my pants down and all mercy breaks loose. Shit starts exploding from my body before my ass makes contact with the toilet seat. 30-45 seconds later I open my eyes expecting to see my pants in bad shape from what had just happened. NOT ONE SINGLE DROP! I wiped up, stood up, turned around to flush the toilet and proceed to see my shit spray painted all across the back wall and the back of the toilet. I left the bathroom in it's current state, got in my truck, and have never returned to the gas station since then.
just posting to remember this thread as I've had some close calls recently multiple times a week I'm a solid 1hr from any public bathroom I will fail at some point
happened some time today was in a meeting 90min from the office all day, holding in farts all day. i snuck 2 farts the entire day, both were loud shotgun blasts that happened during real loud sections of the meeting so no one heard. just got home ~10min ago and took a shit, found shotgun splatter in my underwear and my ass was filthy i had no idea it happened
I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday. Decided to get a faggy Starbucks hazlenut iced latte. About 30 minutes after I drank it I felt it coming on. It didn't help that I was partially hungover from drinking Jack and beer the night before. Before I knew what is about to take place I've already started packing up my laptop and getting my shit together. Run into the bathroom and just let it rip. As I'm in there holding on for dear life to the sides of the toilet I hear "him". And I thought I was loud. This guy come BLASTING through the door and i hear him already unbuckling his pants as he is sprint to the stall nextt to mine. As he goes to sit down you just hear him blow the fuck up and shit go everywhere. This was a bigger guy. Grunting and huffing. I look under the stall and I just see the poo spray all over the back wall and floor where he totally missed. I finished up my business and left with the quickness...
Did we ever see pics of abby? The more you post, the more i question the legitimacy of that relationship :P Spoiler And for some reason i wanna say she's hot, but now that i think of it i can't remember seeing a pic of her. [\spoiler]
been vomiting out of my dirtbox the last two days. kicked in the imodium earlier today. Think I'm on solid ground. Then again, I got fooled this morning.
I will say that I have met Abby and that she is a decent looking female. ESPECIALLY for Mr. friedskillet. And she does yoga. It's not ddp yoga, but still. ;-)
Beware grilled brussel sprouts. I ate a ton of those (1/2 lb?) once and the next day was very fortunate to be one door away from the toilet.
This isn't a shit your pants story, but I'm pretty sure it belongs in here. A long time ago when I was an actual employee for companies, one of the companies I worked for was bought by a regional company so we were having some lame ass banquet at the Hotel conf room down the street and I had to go up and talk for a few minutes since I was helping in the merger. There were probably 150 people there between the company and I'm pretty close to having to go on next, like maybe 5 minutes. As I'd had a few cups of coffee and it was like 9:30 in the morning I figured I'd take a quick piss before I had to go on. So, I go to the bathroom which is completely empty and there are something in the order of 8 urinals except one of them has a bunch of ice in it. Being as immature as I am, I decide I'm going to melt some ice with the power of my stream, so I go over and get to work. Everything's going awesome, got a full bladder, that ice is melting down, etc. when all of a sudden the ice shifts. All of a sudden, my piss is shooting back at me like a GD lawn sprinkler all over my hands and pants and jacket (I'm wearing my best suit). I try to re-direct my stream to a different section and that just does the same thing, shooting all my piss directly back onto me. Finally, I choke it off and diagonally piss in the adjacent urinal and finish up. So, I'm pretty horrified and go to the mirror and it's as bad as you might imagine. It looks like a sprinkler hit me directly in the dick. Plus, it's morning coffee piss. I attempt to wet some towels from the dispenser and mop this up a bit and I get a nextel (dating myself here) from my boss, "where you at, it's time to go on"? My clean-up attempt has now made it look like I just directly pissed my pants, but WTF am I going to do. I suppose I could have just quit my job and gone home, but I was thinking maybe no one would notice as the room was a little dark, so I just button my suit coat up for maximum coverage and just walk right in and up to the podium like nothing was going on. Do my thing and then get out of there and go to the office by which point everything had dried. No idea if anyone noticed or not. No one ever said anything. So that's my story of pissing myself because I have the mentality of a 5 year old.
Pulled one of those at a football game with the lady and her friends. We were walking to our seats and a little late, so it was pretty empty as we were walking up the ramp. I was drunk and decided to make a pit stop. Everyone waited. I pissed in the urinal, and noticed when I washed my hands that the backfire was catastrophic. Was wearing khaki shorts. I managed to discreetly divert attention from me as I came out, but I was drunk and most likely failed. I'm in my 30s and still don't know how to effectively piss in a urinal.
The urinals at my work have some weird angles and are at the right height where there's ALWAYS splash back. After 3 years on the job, I finally figured out the correct angle for me so I don't get splashes.
After one failed attempt and getting piss specks on me, I probably would have pissed in the toilet, but that's just me.
That's me. This client ive been working at for the last week has terrible urinals. They're too tall and piss is always splattering everywhere. After about one trip I now just go right into the stall and piss in the toilet.
Lately I've been needing to take dumps really early in the morning, so I just shower after and start my day. It's 5:58 and I should be in the office by 6:45