Looking back on a year in the life of Ted Cruz

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Merica, Dec 21, 2016.

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  1. Merica

    Merica Devine pls stop pointing out my demise. :(
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    http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/the-year-in-ted-cruz-humiliations-1790297470

    The Year In Ted Cruz Humiliations
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    Photo Credit: Getty

    There’s never exactly a good time to be Ted Cruz. His mannerisms are stilted, his friends are nonexistent, and he has far more skin than any one human should ever possess. There are, however, less-bad times to be Ted. And 2016 was not one of those years.

    Thanks to a potent combination of Ted Cruz’s natural unlikability, Donald Trump, and a remarkable set of burns from his own children, Ted Cruz spent the entire year getting utterly destroyed over and over and over again.

    With so much fear and uncertainty in our future, it’s important that we take time to focus on the good and wholesome things in our lives. Which is why we present to you the year in Ted Cruz humiliations, ranked.

    When Ted Cruz was forced to return to Capitol Hill a loser and also (still) hated by every one of his colleagues.


    It’s no secret that Ted Cruz doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to getting along with “people.” As Lindsey Graham put it: “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” So after such a long and grueling campaign, at least Ted got to come home to a little continuity.

    Humiliation Level:

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    When Ted gave us a glimpse into Heidi Cruz’s living hell and tried to sing on national television.


    Very natural and unrehearsed.

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    When Ted Cruz lost a primary district to Ben Carson—after Ben Carson had already dropped out.
    On April 19, New York’s 16th district told the world that, yes, they know Ben Carson is no longer actually a candidate, and yes, Ben Carson may be an unqualified idiot—but he’s still better than Ted fucking Cruz.
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    Which is to say, Ted Cruz lost to a man in a coma who wasn’t even competing in the first place. There’s still some good in this world yet.

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    When everyone realized that Ted doesn’t know how to interact with humans in any capacity.



    When Ted Cruz first announced that Carly Fiorina would be his running mate (for six days), he held a big press conference to kick off their union (of six days.) And it took Ted all of three seconds to show the world just how tight their bond really is. Which, incidentally, is apparently not tight enough for Ted Cruz and much, much too tight for Carly Fiorina. We assume Ted has yet to let go.


    If you watch Carly closely, you can almost see the exact moment that the special light inside of her dies forever.

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    When a protestor faked out Ted Cruz and told him he looks “like a fish monster.”



    Oh look, Ted surely thought to himself. Finally, a kind stranger to shake my hand. And one with such supple skin, at that.

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    When Ted tried to yell at Marco Rubio in Spanish.


    The incident in question happens about 25 seconds in to the video above, a rough translation of which amounts to “I’m sad, where is my soup?” ¡Qué embarazoso!

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    When Donald Trump stirred up the rumor that Ted’s father had helped assassinate JFK.
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    Just one day before Ted bowed out of the 2016 race for good, Donald Trump went on Fox News and referenced the National Enquirer’s groundbreaking investigation from earlier in the week that tied Ted Cruz’s father, Rafael, to JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald.


    While we may never know the truth about Rafael Cruz’s mysterious whereabouts on November 22, 1963, we can at last say with certainty that at least Donald Trump got to successfully dunk on Ted Cruz one final time (until all the other times).

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    When Donald Trump kept insulting Ted’s wife on Twitter.



    To be perfectly honest, the fact that we elected the guy who did this is an equally humiliating self-own.

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    When Donald Trump owned Ted Cruz at the RNC.


    On the worst night of Ted Cruz’s life thus far, he took a big risk in choosing not to explicitly endorse Donald Trump. Instead, he told the packed crowd at the Republican National Convention to “vote your conscience.” Trump’s team was not about to have any of that ...




    ...so Trump’s aides apparently encouraged supporters in the crowd to start heckling Cruz off stage. And being the washed-up reality star that he is, Trump took the opportunity to walk out onto the RNC floor himself, forcing the networks to cut away from low-energy Lyin’ Ted.

    At which point, Trump urinated on all 2,472 Republican delegates while beating his chest to the tune of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by The Rolling Stones. Ted, alone and still on stage, wept.

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    When Ted Cruz did his best bad boy impression for the cameras.


    Just one day before the National Enquirer story came out, Ted Cruz thought he’d finally put Trump in his place by telling to cut all of his bullying b*ll cr*p OUT. Somehow, incredibly, it did not work. I still have a hard time making it through the entire clip.

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    When even Jeb Bush tried to avoid him after one of the debates.


    To be fair, it was a safe a bet as Ted could fathom. After all, it’s Jeb. Polite, milquetoast, stammering-ass Jeb. And yet—Jeb couldn’t stomach talking to Ted for more than a few seconds after finally getting cornered. Why, even Chris Christie instinctually turned away at the sight of Cruz on the prowl. Chris Christie!

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    When Ted Cruz desecrated a classic movie scene by calling a hoop a “basketball ring.”


    Ted Cruz went on to lose every state that night. Congratulations to Ted.

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    When his daughter owned him.


    God bless Caroline Cruz.

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    When his daughter owned him again, harder.
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    During the six days that Ted Cruz had a running mate before dropping out, he embarked on an “I am a human” tour with his new, six-day-friend Carly Fiorina. And at a rally in South Bend, Indiana, as he bent down to show the crowd just how much he, a human man, loved his daughter, Caroline Cruz fucking ran. As would we all.

    Humiliation Level:

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    When Heidi revealed that, after their honeymoon, Ted immediately bought 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky™ Soup.


    This was Heidi’s version of a “humanizing” story for Ted. When asking herself how to help voters relate to her husband, of all the stories in all their years of marriage, the very best she could do was talk about the time Ted bought a nauseating amount of cold, canned, instant soup.

    Now, is it a fact that Ted Cruz guzzles his soup straight from the can while nude and weeping? Who can say for sure? But almost certainly, yes.

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    When Ted Cruz was forced to phone bank for Trump.


    If anyone ever asks you what “cuck” means in the modern-day, monsters on Twitter sense of the word, please just point them to this video of a broken Ted Cruz making phone calls on behalf of Donald Trump. Before this point, Donald Trump had called Ted Cruz a liar and a wacko, accused his father of helping to assassinate JFK, called his wife ugly, humiliated him at the RNC, and even once referred to Ted himself as “a pussy.”And then Ted was forced to sit there, do his best impression of what he thinks is a smile, and say, Please vote for the man who broke me. Please vote for Mr. Trump.

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    When that weird shit fell out of Ted Cruz’s mouth and then suddenly fell back in.


    I’m sorry.

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    When Ted Cruz elbowed his wife in the face three times after announcing that he was a perpetual failure.


    As Ted Cruz gave yet another concession speech (six days after picking a running mate, no less), the only thing people would remember was that, as he finished his speech and went in to give his dear, old, assassinating dad a hug, he punched his wife in the face no less than three times.

    Thus ended Ted’s 2016 run for president.

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  2. OopsPowSurprise

    OopsPowSurprise Owed one ass kicking from poweshow
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    If anything came from this I'm most glad that this moron will never be close to the white house

    Legit scarier than Trump imo
     
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  3. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    there's a lot to love about the republican primary but rubio saying that cruz doesn't speak spanish might be #1
     
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  4. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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  5. RoyalShocker

    RoyalShocker But I don't wanna be a Nazi
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    Pretty cool that they were the last two men standing in the Republican primary, right? Bodes well for the future.
     
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  6. Merica

    Merica Devine pls stop pointing out my demise. :(
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    I almost had some respect for Ted Cruz after the RNC.

    Then like two weeks later he's cold calling for Trump. :laugh:
     
    #7 Merica, Dec 21, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2016
  7. Merica

    Merica Devine pls stop pointing out my demise. :(
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  8. RoyalShocker

    RoyalShocker But I don't wanna be a Nazi
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    Yeah, that list is hilarious and embarrassing.

    At least he was clearly upset to have to be a shill for the party. Romney is the one that I have absolutely zero respect for. The most pussy heel turn in history.
     
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  9. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    I forgot that Trump alleged Cruz's father had something to do with the JFK assassination :laugh: You almost forget the complete and total shitshow that was the Republican primary.
     
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  10. Dr. Richard Cranium

    Dr. Richard Cranium I'm sorry, the card says Moops
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    If Trump nominated him for Supreme Court it would be the fastest confirmation hearing in history because Senators wouldn't have to look at his face anymore.
     
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  11. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    Lol, yea. I almost respected him there for a second.
     
  12. Redav

    Redav My favorite meat is hotdog
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    One of my low key favorite moments is Trump going on and on about Marco Rubio and how much he sweats.
     
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  13. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Like, our president elect bashed Ted Cruz for having an ugly wife and compared her to his obviously way more attractive trophy wife. That's amazing.
     
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  14. buy_dont_lease

    buy_dont_lease Ha ha ha. What a story, Mark.
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  15. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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  16. dtx

    dtx Well-Known Member
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    Literally the worst person on the planet
     
  17. Teflon Queen

    Teflon Queen The mentally ill sit perfectly still
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    I liked when Rubio said he carried a gun so he could stop ISIS
     
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  18. RoyalShocker

    RoyalShocker But I don't wanna be a Nazi
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    Little Marco
    Lyin Ted
    Crooked Hillary
    Low Energy Jeb
    Crazy Bernie

    All hilarious nicknames if they hadn't been created BY THE FUCKING GUY WE ARE TURNING THE COUNTRY OVER TO NEXT MONTH
     
  19. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Trump is objectively funny.

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  20. Merica

    Merica Devine pls stop pointing out my demise. :(
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    I loved republican primary trump.

    President trump not so much. :gross:
     
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  21. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Now you know what it was like watching him co-op something you thought you knew.
     
  22. NothingIsOT

    NothingIsOT Always down for the Kroger parking lot!
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    You're just wrong if you argue anything other than Rubio telling Cruz you're a gringo trapped in a Cuban body. "He doesn't speak Spanish." That was so funny. And the Mexican Spanish Cruz tried spouting in response was so awful. I watch that clip at least weekly for a good laugh.
     
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  23. fsudan

    fsudan Well-Known Member
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    [​IMG]
     
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  24. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    The president elect used a primary debate stage to make sure everyone knows his penis isn't small.

    I mean it's just so much insanity to pick from in that primary.
     
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  25. dtx

    dtx Well-Known Member
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    This thread is now making me sad.
     
  26. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    [​IMG]
     
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  27. NothingIsOT

    NothingIsOT Always down for the Kroger parking lot!
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    The nostalgia of the election getting to you?
     
  28. skiedfrillet

    skiedfrillet It's not a lie if you believe it.
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    what jibberish did Cruz bark at rubio in spanish? is there a translation?
     
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  29. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Something along the lines of we can do this in Spanish right now if you want.
     
  30. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    Yeah, but then he tomahawk dunked that UNLV dude into Bolivian, so it's really a wash.

     
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  31. ashy larry

    ashy larry marcy projects, son
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  32. BudKilmer

    BudKilmer Well-Known Member
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    Cruz stumped for the guy that called his wife ugly and his father a murderer :roll:


    "dice lo ahora..."

    :ded:
     
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  33. OopsPowSurprise

    OopsPowSurprise Owed one ass kicking from poweshow
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    My buddy said it sounds like an American visiting a Spanish speaking country asking for directions
     
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  34. Merica

    Merica Devine pls stop pointing out my demise. :(
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    [​IMG]
     
  35. NothingIsOT

    NothingIsOT Always down for the Kroger parking lot!
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    "Marco if you want, Right now, say it. In Spanish. If you want."

    He's stuttering through his words. You can tell he didn't learn Spanish in the house by his delivery.

    I laugh partially because Ted and I represent a new generation of people with Hispanic parents that don't speak Spanish. There's a tiff amongst hispanics where "you're not Hispanic if you don't speak Spanish." Marco is the kind of Hispanic that pulls that card.

    My dad said his word usage was definitely someone who learned Spanish in Texas, but yes, he sounds like a total gringo.
     
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  36. LetItSoak

    LetItSoak Well-Known Member
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    [​IMG]
     
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  37. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Speaking of the crazy Trump things/people did anyone ever see the Rob Lowe roast where Anne Coulter got fucking demolished?

     
  38. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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  39. dome foam

    dome foam ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    he threw that ball into the basketball ring!
     
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  40. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    it reminded me of spanish class in high school, when you had a classroom full of teenagers attempting to simulate a spanish accent while they stumbled through conversation using one of the dozen phrases they knew
     
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  41. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    :laugh: fucking basketball ring
     
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  42. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    "me gusta... uhh... practicar deportes"
     
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  43. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    Totally not prepared for these:

    "Anne Coulter is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet faced bitches alive. But it's not too late to change, Anne. You could kill yourself."

    "Anne Coulter looks so much like a truck stop transvestite whore that I saw Jeff Ross run to an ATM just before the show."

    [​IMG]
     
  44. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    They went at her pretty hard and I kind of felt bad for her but then I remembered who she is and how she chose to live her life
     
  45. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    I did, too, until I read about how she treated the comedian joke-writers.
     
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  46. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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  47. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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    Also called her out and made fun of her for possibly dealing with mental illness. He's a pretty cool dude.
     
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  48. Jack Parkman

    Jack Parkman Well-Known Member
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  49. texasraider

    texasraider thanks
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    if he would have just stopped at telling him to curb his enthusiasm, it would have been funny and possibly endearing despite the cringeworthiness of his being.

    But he kept going and now I hate him even more, which I've felt was impossible, many many times.