Stupid shit your wife/girlfriend does...

My parent's dog is deaf and has a tendency to get in your way because she doesn't hear you coming. I almost stepped on her and said that shes gonna end up getting killed that way. Wife says "yeah I punched her in the face with my foot by accident earlier"

 

So my girlfriend might still be pregnan idk..She took the test a while back and it said no but she hasn't had her period yet for a long time.. She says that's never happpened before except when she was pregnant. before. Fucking Fuck.

 

The plot thickens.

 

as does her uterine lining

 

Let us know if we need to cancel your pending membership to Dad Platinum®

 

Congrats on the sex

 

Then I got Mary pregnant,
And man, that was all she wrote

 

Sounds like The Real Roy Williams didn't execute the last phase of the StinkusP1nkus creampie™

 

You had to do it. Didn"t you?

 

I've always got the perfect Springsteen song cued up in case anyone gets pregnant, divorced, laid off from the factory, etc., but this one feels extra satisfying.

 

Well you are very thorough with your Springteen. I appreciate you queing up the applicabble one. I'm still not a fan though.

 

I have no idea what this means but it sounds kind of hot.

 

I'm not sure about hot, but definitely warm.

 

I've always wanted to watch a performance art piece where a dumb redneck just actively fucks his life up for the entertainment of a crowd and I'm glad I've finally been able to find that.

 

wOw

 

"I understand"

 

trying to decide if you are talking about the swamp ballin ufc fighter or our teenage love affair'in TRRW.

 

I thought he meant the entirety of tmb and probably himself. If he wants to watch in a film form I suggest Edtv with Matthew McConaughey

 

One of my wife’s mom friends is a New Yorker that fits all the stereotypes: fairly abrasive, very tanning bed tan, too loud, etc. I call her White Trash Ash (Ashley) because I’m a dick and she reminds me of a shitty Long Islander.

There was a mom’s night out thing earlier this week and they were all apparently talking about nicknames. My wife thought it would be ok to tell WTA that her nickname is White Trash Ash. That obviously went over well. Now it’s my fault for creating/using the nickname and causing friendship drama.

 

White Trashley imo

 

Trashley and Smashley are the only acceptable nicknames for an outlandish Ashley

 

So we are getting family pictures taken on Saturday

We are leaving town Wednesday for Thanksgiving when I get off work and coming back early Saturday in time for said pictures

Wife: I need to get all of my shopping for our pictures done by Wednesday right? That's probably a really busy shopping day isn't it? I hope it's not black Friday.

 

Your wife must be very hot from the amount of dumb shit she’s said.

 

She's never seen a squirrel egg?

 

affirmative

 

Fiancé bit down on a seed of some sort. Now I’m having to pay an emergency root canal bill right before Christmas.

 

Y’all ain’t married yet. Sounds like a her problem.

 

Why you paying?

 

Umm...pretty sure that getting married isn't the roadmap to permanent sex.

 

Cause I want her three year old who I’ve help raise for the past two years to have a good Christmas.

 

Then remove the seeds.

 

That'll be the last seed that enters her mouth, am I right boys

 

I DONT DATE WHORES*

*excludes your mom

 

I second this declaration.

 

The Ashley I dated went to the back of a van of some touring band and jerked off the merch guy. Right out front of the after party in front of everybody. We had only been broken up for less than a week and everyone was clowning me and laughing but I was stewing mad. Bitch.

 

Yep I know. I think she was trying to be mean to me in front of our friends in classic slut fashion but maybe she just really liked guy. Idk and don’t care.

 

Well at least you've learned from your mistakes and are in a healthy and stable relationship now.

 

You will be alright, no doubt in my mind.

 

Yeah and joke is on her, giving a handy to the merch guy for hinder was her sexual peak

 

I am thankful for your concern. That story was from 15 years ago. I live a lot different lifestyle as a 35 year old.

 

Good to hear, I am always available if you want to vent.

 

I think it was a spiteful hand job. I didn’t even ask and the next day she was all I jerked off the merch guy but that was all that happened. Good for you. I don’t care.