Stupid shit your wife/girlfriend does...

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by bertwing, May 16, 2016.

  1. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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    My younger son had pink eye last week. Now I have pink eye.

    Wife: I’m horny and want some adult time after the kids go to bed.
    Me: Ok
    Wife: But you need to hit it from behind because I don’t want to look at your goopy eye.
    Me: Did you just say “hit it from behind”?
    Wife: What’s wrong with that?
    Me: Nothing. I just wasn’t expecting Left Eye in the bedroom.
    Wife: The pink eye is in your right eye.

    Doesn’t matter. 10% chance I still have sex.
     
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  2. IHHH

    IHHH Well-Known Member
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    you talk too much
     
  3. lazy bum

    lazy bum active consumer
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    Congrats on the dirty talk, though.
     
  4. Funshot Residue

    Funshot Residue Ol' goopy eye, they called him
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    Quite possibly the best thing I've ever read on TMB.
     
  5. IHHH

    IHHH Well-Known Member
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    upload_2021-9-16_19-46-13.gif
     
  6. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
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    This was stupid shit you do
     
  7. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    The only way to salvage this is to pull out and say you lost control of the goopy eye imo
     
  8. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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    It’s 9pm, we have two kids, and my wife worked the last two days. The 10% chance is normal odds of nighttime sex in my house. Has nothing to do with the conversation.
     
  9. Nandor the Relentless

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    You didn’t exactly do much to improve your odds any with that conversation
     
  10. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Fan of: Name P Redacted’s Mom’s Butt
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    Whelp, jbr has to commit seppuku now that Shawn is giving him relationship advice
     
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  11. texasraider

    texasraider thanks
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    You people that don’t have scheduled and orderly sex must be newlyweds
     
  12. ugafish

    ugafish Not a new member
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    Does she normally talk like that to you and fail to step up to the plate? If not, odds were much better than 10%,
     
  13. bertwing

    bertwing check out the nametag grandma
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    How in gods name would you know lmao
     
  14. bertwing

    bertwing check out the nametag grandma
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    and I swear to god you better not say my mom
     
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  15. Dump

    Dump SUCK IT ALABAMA
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    your mom
     
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  16. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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  17. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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    There is quite the collection playing fast and loose itt
     
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  18. HotMic

    HotMic Insider
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  19. TimJimothy

    TimJimothy Well-Known Member
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    We get it, fella...you have a lot of married sex.
     
  20. Killy Me Please

    Killy Me Please I lift things up and put people down.
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    She's been dealing with a few things physically so she went to a chiropractor. Yesterday he decided to crack her ears.

    "My ears feel so much better after he did that Feng Shui on my ears"
     
  21. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Do any of your wives/GFs ever have a drop of fuckin gas in their car? Ever?
     
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  22. -Asshole-

    -Asshole- TMB OG Reject
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    I had to use my lawnmower gas last week to put some in her van because she was so low she couldn’t make it to the gas station from our house. :facepalm:
     
  23. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    Mine treats hers like tax withholdings. Any leftover drops are just interest free loans to the car
     
  24. HoosDaMan

    HoosDaMan Grumpy
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    Have you guys explained the effects on the motor and gas pump when you run on low levels of gas all the time?
     
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  25. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Lol not their problem.
     
  26. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    So the alarm that constantly yells at them that they have 0 miles to empty doesn't work, but this will? :laugh:
     
  27. HoosDaMan

    HoosDaMan Grumpy
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    I bet they have no idea. That’s all I’m saying.
     
  28. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Lol christ I'm still trying to get through that she should lock her car, or at the very least, not leave her keys in the car when parked on the street in our inner ring suburb with a significant uptick in vehicle theft

    I treat my lawn mowing shoes better than she can be troubled to treat her car
     
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  29. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Every since I told my wife to stop putting so many clothes in the front-loading washing machine because that design can not accommodate as large as loads as a top loading she has started putting even more in it.

    I have told her the downsides of running gas tanks too empty and now she runs the tank even further down it appears.

    Some women do not like to be “told what to do,” no matter how valid the reason.
     
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  30. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    My wife is a gas Nazi. She's on edge about trying to get the car filled when we hit half a tank. I'm the one that will pull into a gas station with the gas light on.
     
  31. b0ne5

    b0ne5 Well-Known Member
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    On the topic of low gas, I left work one day and was on the phone with my wife. She stopped at a Sam’s Club to get gas on the way to pick up our son from daycare. I drive home (15-20 minutes), sit down and fall asleep. After 10 or 15 minutes, she calls back and asks me to get up and go get our son bc she is still waiting to get gas. Evidently here was a issue with one pump and everyone had to move over to the only other one. I said “go somewhere else?” And the response was “I’m so low I may actually run out while I sit here and wait”. I told her that she could blow her engine up and doing that and it hasn’t happened since.
     
  32. Willpépé

    Willpépé Miles of D.
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    Just diesel.
     
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  33. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Oh I like that. Hadn't thought of using unsubstantiated fear tactics.

    Hun if you run your tank on low so often our kids are gonna have depression. I know where to hit.
     
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  34. infected donkey

    infected donkey Arkansas Razorbacks
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    #psychdegree
     
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  35. b0ne5

    b0ne5 Well-Known Member
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    tie in the engine blowing up with how that will effect her ability to buy other shit. “We won’t be able to paint that room or put up a fence or buy another 50 random items from Amazon, etc. if you blow up your car.” Also, she and your child might end up stranded on the side of the highway. Every worst case scenario. Fear is a great motivator.
     
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  36. Degausser

    Degausser Well-Known Member
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    My wife is the opposite with gas. She'll call me in the morning and say, "My car says I have 50 miles til empty. Am I going to make it to work?" Her drive to work is about 10 miles.
     
  37. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia slowly learning that life is ok
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    mine as well. If it gets close to 1/4 a tank she thinks she's going to be stranded on the side of the road
     
  38. -Asshole-

    -Asshole- TMB OG Reject
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    #Blessed
     
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  39. PhupaPhever

    PhupaPhever Well-Known Member
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    My wife doesn’t like the sopranos intro
     
  40. Pharm

    Pharm Right Handed
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    Wife was off today and went to the store and was going to make pasta for dinner. Guess who got half way done making meatballs and realized we had no pasta sauce…

    luckily we had leftover grape tomatoes so I was able to make a sauce but man thought i was getting out of cooking tonight for a change
     
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  41. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
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    sorry guys but there is nothing more exhilarating than being 10 miles from the nearest gas station and having your gas gauge read well below e

    it’s a great high and breaks up the monotony of long car rides
     
  42. h.e.pennypacker

    h.e.pennypacker Industrialist Philanthropist Bicyclist
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    h.e.pennypacker endorses this message

    [​IMG]
     
  43. WhiskeyDelta

    WhiskeyDelta Well-Known Member
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    I did this in rural Colorado a few years ago and my wife still brings it up
     
  44. beerme

    beerme Well-Known Member
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    may wife just tried to pump her gas for the first time in years… she’s like how do you know which ones diesel? Me- “First of all the pump is under the diesel sign… second of all it won’t fit easily into the tank by design”
    Her - “I’m just gonna go across the street they don’t have diesel”
     
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  45. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
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    Being married to you, I'm sure she doesn't trust you when you talk about hose sizes
     
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  46. Imurhuckleberry

    Imurhuckleberry Avid spectator of windmill warriors
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    Mine fills up her tank like an adult but she has been pulled over for speeding at least 10 times in the last year. Somehow only 1 ticket though.
     
  47. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
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    i think the how is pretty obvious lol
     
  48. Lifeiskilingme79

    Lifeiskilingme79 Well-Known Member
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    Cops be like
    [​IMG]
     
  49. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    Forms of any kind turn her brain into mush. I don't know if it's a strategy to try make me so annoyed I'll break down and finish it for her or what, but it's bewildering.

    We have to fill out a travel visa for inter-island travel here and there's a section of general questions. I get bombarded shit while I'm filling mine out like "what do I put for our destination" and "what do I put for "are you traveling with children" and I just don't know what to say.
     
  50. ashy larry

    ashy larry from ashy to classy
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    fuck forms
     
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