Stupid shit your wife/girlfriend does...

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by bertwing, May 16, 2016.

  1. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
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    Meetings, no meetings
     
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  2. LetItSoak

    LetItSoak Well-Known Member
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  3. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    I was on my way to work and noticed a bunch of paper flying out of the bed of my truck. I pulled over, and several articles of our mail was still in the bed. I called Lady Tegg.

    “Why was our mail in the bed of my truck?”

    “Oh shit. I put it in there when I checked the mail because I ended up walking to [neighbor’s] house. Why?”

    “Well, I hope there was nothing important in there, because it’s all over the highway.”
     
  4. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    There is a bad lawyer/paper trail joke in here somewhere by my coffee has not kicked in enough to string it together.
     
  5. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    Our dog has developed vaginitis because she's a spayed female getting older and loves licking herself. Lady Tegg noticed it, and she decided we needed to take her to the vet.

    "What do I tell them is wrong with her?"

    "What do you mean?"

    "I don't want to say her 'lady parts are red.'"

    "Why not?"

    "It's weird."

    "Okay, then just say that her vulva is red and swollen."

    "Ugh..."

    After the appointment, she's telling me how it went, and she told me that she told the vet that "Layla's twat was inflamed."

    "Her what? :roll:"

    "Her twat."

    "How is that better than 'lady parts' or 'vulva?' :roll:"

    "What? Is 'twat' a bad word? Oh no. I said it like ten times."

    We have since had to look up the word in the dictionary and poll various friends to come to a consensus that it is, in fact, a bad word.
     
  6. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    At least she did not say “her pit beef” is swollen.
     
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  7. The Milkman

    The Milkman Send lawyers, guns and money, shit has hit the fan

    That veterinarian is telling this same story in the Auburn FarmHouse group chat. They’re all asking “what’s a twat” as well
     
    #12807 The Milkman, Oct 1, 2021
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2021
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  8. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    Our vet is a female Mississippi State grad. Hilariously enough, she played it off like it was nothing.
     
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  9. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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    How/why did she decide to go with “twat”? That’s quite a leap from ladyparts…
     
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  10. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    No clue. I don't know if she'd ever actually used the word before the appointment.
     
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  11. IHHH

    IHHH Well-Known Member
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    that’s probably what she calls you when you are not there
     
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  12. The Milkman

    The Milkman Send lawyers, guns and money, shit has hit the fan

    You should use the term in front of her mother and gauge the reaction. That would tell you everything you need to know
     
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  13. THEBLUERAIDER

    THEBLUERAIDER Well-Known Member
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    This is awesome.
     
  14. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    That reminds me that I've intentionally mispronounced several words over the last several years that I only use with my wife. They've been drilled into her head and says them to other people at least once a month.
     
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  15. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
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    I am imagining her googling something like "other words for vagina" while sitting in the lobby at the vet
     
  16. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    I would like to make an appointment for my dog.

    What is the problem?

    She has an inflamed cunt.
     
  17. Arrec Bardwin

    Arrec Bardwin He ain’t me, he can’t be me
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    Twat story is in the HOF for sure
     
  18. NP13

    NP13 MC OG
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    examples?
     
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  19. a.tramp

    a.tramp Insubordinate and churlish
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    Me - “I am headed to the store, I will be right back.

    Wife - “hey can you take my car and fix it?”

    Me - “what is wrong with your car?”

    Wife - “I tried backing in, I don’t think I did that well”

    Me - “I will move it when I get back”

    Me - [walks outside with my keys in hand]

    Me - :resolve::pffft:

    Me - [walks back inside and grabs wife’s keys]

    Me - “Seriously? I am taking your car, I can’t even get in my truck.”

    79138B95-C5F5-467F-9A00-DEDAD751E333.jpeg
     
  20. Name P. Redacted

    Name P. Redacted I have no money and I'm also gay
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  21. ned's head

    ned's head Well-Known Member
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    I've gotten the most mileage out of calling chipotle "chipotel," because that's a common lunch spot with her colleagues. And calling quinoa "qui noa," because I've gotten to witness it at restaurants
     
  22. jbr

    jbr Well-Known Member
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    My dad hard J’d fajitas in probably 1990. He’s like 75 and 10 years into Parkinson’s, but still gets shit for it to this day.
     
  23. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
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  24. NP13

    NP13 MC OG
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    should've hopped on that bike a.tramp
     
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  25. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
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    I like to think she saw this 8 years ago and it stuck
     
  26. ashy larry

    ashy larry from ashy to classy
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    tegg having to mansplain female anatomy to his wife is my favorite
     
  27. LetItSoak

    LetItSoak Well-Known Member
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    If you can get her to call it a nappy dug out next time...
     
  28. ashy larry

    ashy larry from ashy to classy
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    hi doc my dog’s clunge is red?
     
  29. Henry Blake

    Henry Blake No Springsteen is leaving this house!
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    We need the top 3 or 4 descriptors that Mrs. Tegg was considering.
     
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  30. Lifeiskilingme79

    Lifeiskilingme79 Well-Known Member
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    That's the hardest I've laughed in a while
     
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  31. OZ2

    OZ2 Well-Known Member

    Legit laughed for a good 5 minutes at that. Was amused at her not wanting to use lady parts and then ending just destroyed me.

    That vet is a better person than me because I would have lost my shit at some point laughing.
     
  32. One Two

    One Two Send it!
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    My dad used to pronounce Parmesan cheese as “Parmesian cheese” to annoy my mom. Problem was that young One Two didn’t know it was a joke and grew up pronouncing it like that until I got made fun for it in my teens.
     
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  33. Rabid

    Rabid Fan of: DQ Treats
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    I’ve got a great one. When I was a senior in HS my brother and his friends were back from college and watching a lot of caddy shack. They kept saying stuff like, “I smell Gopher poon tang” casually around my dad. At my graduation party my dad walked in to a crowded area and saw one friend sitting there and called out, “Hey, Jones, I smell poon tang is that you Mitzi (my grandfather’s wife)?

    I then informed him what that phrase meant.
     
  34. Trip McNeely

    Trip McNeely Guys like us....we are a dime a dozen
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    Got home from work tonight and my wife informed me that her friend, friend’s husband, and their 2 year old child will be arriving tomorrow and staying with us for four nights. I knew of this trip and was previously told that they “might” stay with us for one night over the weekend. I obviously am not pleased that this was sprung on me and I said as much, and I did it nicely. My wife is now sobbing and just told her friend they need to get a hotel because I won’t let them stay here (I did not say they couldn’t stay here). I guess I’m the asshole.
     
  35. OZ2

    OZ2 Well-Known Member

    trip, you’re a husk, but no way did this go down this way.

    Becauee 100% (and I’ve had said the same) you told her, ‘wtf, I said they could stay here a night. I didn’t say every night and you didn’t talk to me about this. God damnit. Fuck.’

    you probably walked off and then she thought this meant she can’t have them over at all and she started calling while you are doing Dennis Rodman signs in the background trying to explain they can come because this has gone from bad to really bad.
     
  36. Name P. Redacted

    Name P. Redacted I have no money and I'm also gay
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  37. WhiskeyDelta

    WhiskeyDelta Well-Known Member
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    Me getting up before wife: lay out cloths night before, don’t turn on any lights, get dressed in the guest room so I don’t wake her up.

    Wife getting up before me: opening all her dresser drawers, all lights on, hair dryer going 2 feet from the bed, asking me if I’m going to make coffee before she has to leave.
     
  38. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
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    Gotta give another shout out to my wife. Down 30 pounds. Down to where she was before the two kids. She’s doing the optavia diet. It really works. I guess her spending 400 a month is incentive to stick with it. I’m down about 10 pound myself. Just from
    Not eating the high carb and fat meals I used to cook all the time. She started it July 5th.
     
  39. El Tiburon

    El Tiburon Well-Known Member
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    I have no idea what the optavia diet is
     
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  40. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
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    You buy a bunch of meal replacement type stuff then eat one “lean and green” meal a day. She’s tried lose weight before but couldn’t ever get it to stick. Think spending that money has really helped her stick with it. Having our daughter prob made her realize it was time to get healthy. She had more energy, is in a better mood, and overall just a generally happier person now. Guess really seeing results build quick helped as well. She’s gonna stick with it for a few more months then transition to the second phase of the diet. All the girls at her clinic are doing it which gives them all motivation.
     
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  41. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    It definitely seems to get great results for weight loss, but it's a social media pyramid scheme.
     
  42. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
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    Prob so. As theres a coach that gets commission and stuff. But as you said. At least it works. How it stays of is TBD. Need to get her more active and that will help out in the long run. I’m pretty fit and full of energy so it would subconsciously make her feel bad being tired and me being a go getter.
     
  43. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
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    Every fucking time
     
  44. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
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    You forgot the obligatory “I’m going to be really quiet when I wake up tomorrow” the night before.

    I don’t think my wife has ever left the house before me without waking me up.
     
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  45. TimJimothy

    TimJimothy Well-Known Member
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    lol man that's some stupid shit that your wife/girlfriend does!

    j/k good for her and good for you
     
  46. Marbles

    Marbles Trudging the road to happy destiny
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    Yeah. I guess I’m the only one on the board with an overweight wife and everyone else is married to models.
     
  47. El Tiburon

    El Tiburon Well-Known Member
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    To be fair it’s because most of our wives have overweight husbands.
     
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  48. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
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    Yeah I've been doing this 8+ years now. I honestly can't remember the last time she got up before me unless it is leaving the room to tend to the baby.
     
  49. Jigga

    Jigga Ty Webb is a mean person
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    Yours does

    /swish
     
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