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Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by bertwing, May 16, 2016.
Meetings, no meetings
I was on my way to work and noticed a bunch of paper flying out of the bed of my truck. I pulled over, and several articles of our mail was still in the bed. I called Lady Tegg.
“Why was our mail in the bed of my truck?”
“Oh shit. I put it in there when I checked the mail because I ended up walking to [neighbor’s] house. Why?”
“Well, I hope there was nothing important in there, because it’s all over the highway.”
There is a bad lawyer/paper trail joke in here somewhere by my coffee has not kicked in enough to string it together.
Our dog has developed vaginitis because she's a spayed female getting older and loves licking herself. Lady Tegg noticed it, and she decided we needed to take her to the vet.
"What do I tell them is wrong with her?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't want to say her 'lady parts are red.'"
"Okay, then just say that her vulva is red and swollen."
After the appointment, she's telling me how it went, and she told me that she told the vet that "Layla's twat was inflamed."
"Her what? "
"How is that better than 'lady parts' or 'vulva?' "
"What? Is 'twat' a bad word? Oh no. I said it like ten times."
We have since had to look up the word in the dictionary and poll various friends to come to a consensus that it is, in fact, a bad word.
At least she did not say “her pit beef” is swollen.
That veterinarian is telling this same story in the Auburn FarmHouse group chat. They’re all asking “what’s a twat” as well
Our vet is a female Mississippi State grad. Hilariously enough, she played it off like it was nothing.
How/why did she decide to go with “twat”? That’s quite a leap from ladyparts…
No clue. I don't know if she'd ever actually used the word before the appointment.
that’s probably what she calls you when you are not there
You should use the term in front of her mother and gauge the reaction. That would tell you everything you need to know
This is awesome.
That reminds me that I've intentionally mispronounced several words over the last several years that I only use with my wife. They've been drilled into her head and says them to other people at least once a month.
I am imagining her googling something like "other words for vagina" while sitting in the lobby at the vet
I would like to make an appointment for my dog.
What is the problem?
She has an inflamed cunt.
Twat story is in the HOF for sure
Me - “I am headed to the store, I will be right back.
Wife - “hey can you take my car and fix it?”
Me - “what is wrong with your car?”
Wife - “I tried backing in, I don’t think I did that well”
Me - “I will move it when I get back”
Me - [walks outside with my keys in hand]
Me - [walks back inside and grabs wife’s keys]
Me - “Seriously? I am taking your car, I can’t even get in my truck.”
I've gotten the most mileage out of calling chipotle "chipotel," because that's a common lunch spot with her colleagues. And calling quinoa "qui noa," because I've gotten to witness it at restaurants
My dad hard J’d fajitas in probably 1990. He’s like 75 and 10 years into Parkinson’s, but still gets shit for it to this day.
Nice camper shell a.tramp
should've hopped on that bike a.tramp
I like to think she saw this 8 years ago and it stuck
tegg having to mansplain female anatomy to his wife is my favorite
If you can get her to call it a nappy dug out next time...
hi doc my dog’s clunge is red?
We need the top 3 or 4 descriptors that Mrs. Tegg was considering.
That's the hardest I've laughed in a while
Legit laughed for a good 5 minutes at that. Was amused at her not wanting to use lady parts and then ending just destroyed me.
That vet is a better person than me because I would have lost my shit at some point laughing.
My dad used to pronounce Parmesan cheese as “Parmesian cheese” to annoy my mom. Problem was that young One Two didn’t know it was a joke and grew up pronouncing it like that until I got made fun for it in my teens.
I’ve got a great one. When I was a senior in HS my brother and his friends were back from college and watching a lot of caddy shack. They kept saying stuff like, “I smell Gopher poon tang” casually around my dad. At my graduation party my dad walked in to a crowded area and saw one friend sitting there and called out, “Hey, Jones, I smell poon tang is that you Mitzi (my grandfather’s wife)?
I then informed him what that phrase meant.
Got home from work tonight and my wife informed me that her friend, friend’s husband, and their 2 year old child will be arriving tomorrow and staying with us for four nights. I knew of this trip and was previously told that they “might” stay with us for one night over the weekend. I obviously am not pleased that this was sprung on me and I said as much, and I did it nicely. My wife is now sobbing and just told her friend they need to get a hotel because I won’t let them stay here (I did not say they couldn’t stay here). I guess I’m the asshole.
trip, you’re a husk, but no way did this go down this way.
Becauee 100% (and I’ve had said the same) you told her, ‘wtf, I said they could stay here a night. I didn’t say every night and you didn’t talk to me about this. God damnit. Fuck.’
you probably walked off and then she thought this meant she can’t have them over at all and she started calling while you are doing Dennis Rodman signs in the background trying to explain they can come because this has gone from bad to really bad.
Husks gonna husk
Me getting up before wife: lay out cloths night before, don’t turn on any lights, get dressed in the guest room so I don’t wake her up.
Wife getting up before me: opening all her dresser drawers, all lights on, hair dryer going 2 feet from the bed, asking me if I’m going to make coffee before she has to leave.
Gotta give another shout out to my wife. Down 30 pounds. Down to where she was before the two kids. She’s doing the optavia diet. It really works. I guess her spending 400 a month is incentive to stick with it. I’m down about 10 pound myself. Just from
Not eating the high carb and fat meals I used to cook all the time. She started it July 5th.
I have no idea what the optavia diet is
You buy a bunch of meal replacement type stuff then eat one “lean and green” meal a day. She’s tried lose weight before but couldn’t ever get it to stick. Think spending that money has really helped her stick with it. Having our daughter prob made her realize it was time to get healthy. She had more energy, is in a better mood, and overall just a generally happier person now. Guess really seeing results build quick helped as well. She’s gonna stick with it for a few more months then transition to the second phase of the diet. All the girls at her clinic are doing it which gives them all motivation.
It definitely seems to get great results for weight loss, but it's a social media pyramid scheme.
Prob so. As theres a coach that gets commission and stuff. But as you said. At least it works. How it stays of is TBD. Need to get her more active and that will help out in the long run. I’m pretty fit and full of energy so it would subconsciously make her feel bad being tired and me being a go getter.
Every fucking time
You forgot the obligatory “I’m going to be really quiet when I wake up tomorrow” the night before.
I don’t think my wife has ever left the house before me without waking me up.
lol man that's some stupid shit that your wife/girlfriend does!
j/k good for her and good for you
Yeah. I guess I’m the only one on the board with an overweight wife and everyone else is married to models.
To be fair it’s because most of our wives have overweight husbands.
Yeah I've been doing this 8+ years now. I honestly can't remember the last time she got up before me unless it is leaving the room to tend to the baby.