Tell me a story about yourself that sounds like a lie but is absolutely true

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Boo MFer!, Jan 8, 2020.

  1. Futureman

    Futureman Check you later kemosabe
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    I made out with Joey Lauren Adams in an alley behind a bar my senior year of college. She tasted like the Marlboro reds she was chiefing all night. She said she would go back to my place but she was on her period. I said I’d take a blowjob to which she responded “nah, I don’t know you enough.” I got her number and called her a few times to hang out but she was really non-commital and I decided to stop bothering her. I still had her number in my phone until I got engaged.
     
  2. Fusiontegra

    Fusiontegra My life is dope and I do dope shit.#SparedByThanos
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    She'd have sex with you but not blow you because she didn't know you well enough. Sluts, man...

    Also, I read that as Joey Lawrence at first scan.
    WHOA!
     
  3. One Two

    One Two Send it!
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    I haven’t regretted asking any questions in awhile so curious as to the description of how he really passed.
     
  4. Houndster

    Houndster $25 Standard Unit
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    Shoulda proposed the backdoor instead of a blowie. Fucking rookie
     
  5. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    Spoilered for people who want to sleep at night. It's not gory, and maybe hit me harder because I have kids, but also probably doesn't help that I can picture his face.
    This poor kid was writhing and gasping for air, and while the teacher was performing CPR, he was ripping at the neck of his shirt and the teacher's shirt while looking him in the eyes and choking out "help me"

    I looked at the girl I know who told me the story and I'm like Jesus I didn't ask for the details Karen! I knew the guy, which is sort of what sparked the conversation.

    The teacher had a wife and kids and ended up divorced a little while later, and pretty much, he's still fucked up from this. This would have happened in... 1999? Exactly why there's no need to tell the parents.
     
  6. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    I was hungover as shit at brunch with my mother and saw someone at a table behind us thrashing around with his mouth open, apparently choking. I got up to run over and perform the Heimlich, knocking my heavy wooden chair over onto the tile floor in the process. I got to the table and everyone sitting there, including the choker, sat quietly, looking at me like I was insane. Turns out, he was not choking. He was a deaf mute.
     
  7. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    I know a guy that fucked a stingray
     
  8. dukebuckeye

    dukebuckeye P.G.I.T
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    You know I never really considered that. Makes sense.

    His family steal a ring of his they couldn’t not locate after he passed. I was a little pissed off because I was trying to be a good person. I’m not going to steal from a dead guy.
     
  9. Fusiontegra

    Fusiontegra My life is dope and I do dope shit.#SparedByThanos
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    [​IMG]
     
  10. dukebuckeye

    dukebuckeye P.G.I.T
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    Her cousin ended up marrying my buddy and they now have a kid.
     
  11. HotMic

    HotMic Mr So-and-So
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    [​IMG]
     
  12. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
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    I had several cops show up at my parents house in HS one Sunday morning saying they had strong indications I was a gang leader.
    We had a group of friends who was constantly getting into scuffles with another group and somehow my name kept coming up so they assumed I was some kind of ring leader. All I could do was laugh. A week or two later there was some gang awareness seminar at school.

    During one of those fights I think I could have died? I got blindsided knocked out cold and apparently someone had me in a headlock choking me after knocking me out. Came to with some buddies carrying me away. We ended up showing up later where a brawl ensued. Then even later that night we went back to my friends house who without getting into too much detail had several sketchy convicts basically living at his house. These guys were in their 30s or so and scary as fuck. They didn't take kindly to what happened to me and a few others so they followed us back to the dudes house where the party had ended. We sit in the car and watch these 2 dudes sneak around the back. About 30 seconds later the front door bust open with a kid running for his life falling in the grass. Those convict guys I guess whooped the ever loving shit out of 2 kids in the house.1 of those convicts died not many years later from an OD or something and I'm sure the other saw a similar fate.
     
  13. Houndster

    Houndster $25 Standard Unit
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    If you are going to steal, dead people are the best people to steal from.
     
  14. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    We had dramatically different upbringings.
     
  15. racer

    racer Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks.
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    6E519DFA-5F77-4889-A53E-6EB1C3DA499E.gif
     
  16. NP13

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    Sounds like a gang leader to me
     
  17. JGator1

    JGator1 I'm the Michael Jordan of the industry
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  18. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Incredible. I worked at the same restaurant as my college roommates during school, so I can attest that this story actually happened. During one shift, my roommate sees a woman choking. He runs over and performs the Heimlich, successfully dislodging the food clogging her airway. That chunk of sandwich flew across the room and at the same time one of her breasts popped out and into his hand. The woman had Down syndrome.
     
  19. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
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    Haha when I read it back it definitely sounds ridiculous and why it's in this thread. Upbringing was very average middle class this was just kind of a wild time period and the craziest moments of it.
     
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  20. RockHardEnis39

    RockHardEnis39 StEvIS_iN_cBuS/LandlordBob stalks me
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  21. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    Yes but none of them are true.
     
  22. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    hood b. goode, aren’t you the poster who grew up in Saudi Arabia and hung out with princes and shit?
     
  23. Pelican Grove

    Pelican Grove You know me
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    We used to see her in Oxford often.

    I assume the “alley” is the one that splits City Grocery and Old Venice?
     
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  24. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Joey Lauren Adams is 51 now. :ohholkyfuck:
     
  25. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    In HS (grades 7-12 here) one day they decided it was a good idea to let all of us paint the garbage cans that are around the island in various places. Well we got split into random groups and there was a dwarf in the group I ended up in. Somewhere over the course of things, the older kids kept mentioning to the dwarf how funny it would be if he let them paint him blue like a smurf. Well they finally talk the poor kid into it and they painted his entire upper body blue.

    Of course the kid ends up regretting it after the fact and runs to the principal's office. Of course the principal comes out mad as all hell. There was a guy who had recently dropped out there hanging around and he says "you must be gargomel because I see smurfs running all over the school"

    I don't remember what happened from there but I'm pretty sure the older guys got in some trouble.
     
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  26. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    Faulkner Alley? That'd be a pretty sweet place to make out with a celeb.

    She spends a lot of time at the bar at Ajax. I saw here there when I was in town for the Auburn basketball game last season.
     
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  27. bountyhunter

    bountyhunter Well-Known Member
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    I was riding bitch when, for whatever inexplicable reason, the dude in passenger seat rolls down his window and starts spraying bullets into a building as we are driving by. Calmly rolls his window up and we roll on. Thank God nobody was hit.
     
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  28. Pelican Grove

    Pelican Grove You know me
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    Yeah completely forgot the name of it.

    Didn’t know she still lived there.
     
  29. tylerdolphin

    tylerdolphin My spoon is too big
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    Ok I'm gonna need more here.

    Were you in a gang?
     
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  30. wes tegg

    wes tegg I'm a Guy's guy, guys.
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    She may not live there anymore. I had not seen her in years, but then again I am not in Oxford on a week night very often.
     
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  31. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! UCF has a clown car of talent at RB and WR.
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    Obviously with Bruce Bowen.
     
  32. Bruce Bowen

    Bruce Bowen Well-Known Member
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    [​IMG]
     
  33. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    what now
     
  34. NP13

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    In HS, we were painting trash cans around the island, and these older dickheads thought it would be funny to paint me blue.
     
  35. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Yeah that would probably do it for about anybody
     
  36. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Well she probably doesn't have the period excuse to fall back on anymore then
     
  37. Bruce Wayne

    Bruce Wayne Billionaire Playboy
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    In college, they decided the tuition increase. A classmate of mine, Brenda, attempted to raise funds to continue school and came up with a plan to go out with men for money. I had to help her with the dates and in return she’d give me a cut of the money she made. We started to make a lot of money. Some of Brenda's friends also wanted to participate. Ultimately I protected 14 women while they gave me money.
     
  38. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis WE GO HARD ON EARTH
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    I once did very poorly in college and was very close to being expelled for poor grades so my roommate and I decided to attempt to recruit a suicidal roommmate in order to get all A’s after his death, therefore avoiding expulsion.
     
  39. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode dankest memes around
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    indeed fam. let me dig that thread up

    some of these stories are fukkin wild though
     
  40. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    Sometimes I remember that shit like this actually got green lighted
     
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  41. bountyhunter

    bountyhunter Well-Known Member
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    Hell no, rural midwestern America. There's less than 400 people in my town. Less than 20 kids per graduating class. We drive 30 minutes to get to walmart so we can buy groceries. This was 25 years ago, and to this day I'm not sure what in the hell was going on. I've since moved away.
     
  42. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

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    My friend in elementary school had a grappling hook. I'm not even sure it occured to me at the time to ask why the fuck his family had an actual grappling hook. I guess when you're 8-9 you just think people have those?

    Well he lived about a 5min walk from our school so of course we decided to take it for a spin some slumber party night. School was single story, we thought it highly climbable. So he winds up, swinging it underhand just like you think you ought to based on the movies, and then chucked it straight ahead right through a classroom window. Apparently, in hindsight, we didn't think it necessary to select a brick wall part of the school. It was fairly inconceivable to us that this thing would go anywhere other than perfectly up and over a ledge on the roof, hooking perfectly into place.

    Thankfully those things don't actually work for shit cuz we were able to pull it right back out through the window and bust ass out of there cuz we were 9 and pretty sure we were going straight to prison.
     
  43. IvanTheTerrible

    IvanTheTerrible Well-Known Member
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    I worked on Rick Perry and Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaigns.
     
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  44. IvanTheTerrible

    IvanTheTerrible Well-Known Member
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    Holy shit.
     
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  45. Barves2125

    Barves2125 "Ready to drive the Ferarri" - Reuben Foster
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    Don't you have a connection to another pornstar too? Someone you're friends or acquaintances with put a baby in one if I'm not mistaken?
     
  46. dukebuckeye

    dukebuckeye P.G.I.T
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    Lol. Oh yeah. They had a kid and got engaged, but predictably broke up :(
     
  47. dukebuckeye

    dukebuckeye P.G.I.T
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    We had a thread on it somewhere. I can’t remember her name though.
     
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  48. Barves2125

    Barves2125 "Ready to drive the Ferarri" - Reuben Foster
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    Natalie something??
     
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  49. Celemo

    Celemo Meatball's Dad
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    don't act like you forgot Natalie Lust
     
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