The Onion launched a click bait site- Clickhole is born

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Duck70, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
    Donor
    Oregon Ducks

    Resurrecting a dead thread.

    Incredible! We Asked These Astronauts What It’s Like To Be In Space
    Posted March 27, 2015
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    What’s it like to float hundreds of miles above the Earth’s surface? We asked seven astronauts to tell us everything.

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    Charles Duke
    “Imagine your body as a potato. Now, imagine no gravity acting on that potato, and bingo: That’s what space feels like.”

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    Eugene Cernan
    “It’s so inspiring to see the entire globe shimmering below you and realize that this is where prog rock started.”

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    Bernard A. Harris Jr.
    “The best part was getting your picture taken while deadlifting a 3,000-pound barbell. There’s no gravity, so it’s super easy to lift, but you still look really strong.”

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    Eileen Collins
    “I was looking forward to being weightless, but gravity still works for me in space. It kind of sucks seeing all the other astronauts floating around while I’m stuck on the floor.”

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    Mae Jemison
    “There are a bunch of extra continents you can only see from space. So far, I’ve counted 18 continents, but I find more all the time.”

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    Barry Wilmore
    “You never know true beauty until you see Earth from space, or true terror until you hear someone knocking on the space station door from outside. You look through the porthole and see an astronaut, but all your crew is inside and accounted for. You use the comm to ask who it is and he says he’s Ramirez returning from a repair mission, but Ramirez is sitting right next to you in the command module and he’s just as confused as you are. When you tell the guy this over the radio he starts banging on the door louder and harder, begging you to let him in, saying he’s the real Ramirez. Meanwhile, the Ramirez inside with you is pleading to keep the airlock shut. It really puts life on Earth into perspective.”

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    Terry W. Virts
    “There’s no golf there.”
     
  2. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci How can less be more? It's impossible
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    Eugene Cernan is my kind of guy
     
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  3. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

    eHo and Duck70 like this.
  4. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
    Donor
    Oregon Ducks

    @hodor

    If Only Once, It Would Be Nice If Hodor Said ‘Women’s Rights’
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    Erik Briggs
    Blogger

    Posted Today
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    It’s that time again. HBO’s Game Of Thrones comes back this weekend, and with it, millions of viewers are tuning in to be part of the experience. While we’re sure to get our share of action, twists, and intrigue, I often wish the show’s producers would occasionally use it to advance a positive social message of equality. This is why I think it would be really nice if even just once, Hodor said “women’s rights” sometime in an upcoming episode.

    Game Of Thrones fans know and love Hodor as the large man with the heart of gold who helps Bran and Rickon try to find Jon Snow, which is why “women’s rights” would mean so much coming from him. To hear the usually monosyllabic giant pause in the middle of a scene, look directly into the camera, and say “women’s rights” would just be a nice thing that is well within the power of HBO and showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff.

    George R.R. Martin doesn’t have to write Hodor saying “women’s rights” into his next book, but I think it would be awesome if he wanted to.

    To hear the usually monosyllabic giant pause in the middle of a scene, look directly into the camera, and say “women’s rights” would just be a nice thing...

    I’ve looked it up, and Hodor has said “Hodor” 24 times in the show so far. That means if Hodor said “women’s rights” just once, which is all I’m asking, it would constitute just 4 percent of his lines. Four percent for a good cause? That’s something we can all get behind. If this season has already been completely filmed already, I’m sure actor Kristian Nairn would be happy to dub over one of his scenes.

    Hodor could say “women’s rights” while running away from the White Walkers, or with his mouth full of bread, or just standing in a field, resting. I would even be okay with Hodor saying “women’s rights” in his sleep, like he was having a vivid dream. Although it would feel like a cop-out if Hodor said “women’s rights” when Bran takes over Hodor by warging into him.

    To make this as easy as possible, I’ve even taken the time to format this scene for HBO:

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    I’m not asking for money or credit for this script. Hodor saying “women’s rights” on an episode ofGame Of Thrones would be payment enough.

    This will take almost no time at all to shoot, and the script is now in your hands, HBO. I’ve done the work, and now you just have to make the decision to use your hit show as a vessel for what’s right.

    The world is watching.
     
  5. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

    Man On A Mission: This Man Is Adding ‘And Them’s The Facts’ To The End Of Every Wikipedia Article
    Posted March 30, 2015
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    That’s right. Tyler has edited the ending line into all sorts of entries. Everything from...

    Trains...

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    to former Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns...

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    to Street Sharks.

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    Wow! But for Tyler, “And them’s the facts!” was only the beginning.

    “I still add ‘And them’s the facts!’ to every article, but I realized I could improve the Wikipedia experience from top to bottom,” Tyler said. “So, I’ve been peppering in phrases like ‘And you know it’s true!’ or ‘Get ready for this next fact! It’s a doozy!’”

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    Tyler’s work is really starting to gain notice, and now dozens of others are joining the cause and adding phrases like “You heard it right here on Wikipedia!” and “Here’s the kicker: This is just one of millions of articles!” all over the free, public encyclopedia.

    “It’s really great to see other people taking up my mission. I’ve done 50,000, but there’s millions more entries that need some serious sprucing up.”
     
  6. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

    tylerdolphin likes this.
  7. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
    Donor
    Oregon Ducks

    Justice At Last! When This Girl Was Cyberbullied By A Classmate, The Internet Came Together And Got Her Bully To Commit Suicide!
    Posted Today
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    Well, this is awesome.

    When seventh-grader Kendra Lorrick found herself the victim of cyberbullying, she was devastated. Her classmate, Daniela Kanell, had created a Facebook page for the sole purpose of posting cruel jokes about her appearance. Within a couple of hours, it had accumulated almost 150 likes. The school took the page down quickly, but the pain of being publicly humiliated didn’t go away so easily.

    Then something amazing happened.

    Someone posted about Kendra’s story on Reddit, and it went viral. Over the next several weeks, thousands of bloggers, redditors, journalists, and regular internet users came together to take a stand against Kendra’s bully by publicly shaming her until the relentless ridicule was so overwhelming that she finally committed suicide!

    Inspiring!

    Kendra’s school had planned to handle the incident in private by instituting a series of disciplinary measures aiming to both punish Daniela and help her understand why her actions were so hurtful. But the internet wasn’t just going to let this bully get away with it by learning from her experience and becoming a better person in the process. No. The combined forces of viral media were determined to send a powerful message to bullies everywhere that bullying will NOT be tolerated.

    And that’s exactly what they did. Through articles:

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    Blog posts:

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    And an awe-inspiring grassroots social media campaign:

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    Thanks to the teamwork of thousands of internet users working together to communally condemn the actions of the seventh-grader, any hopes she might’ve had of getting into a good college or landing a job someday were quickly dashed. Not only that, but her reputation was irrevocably marred.

    If you’re keeping score, that’s internet: 1. Kendra’s bully: 0. Awesome!

    But it was one persistent redditor’s decision to post her address that really sealed the deal. As soon as the death threats started rolling in, it was only a matter of time before the immense stress would lead Daniela to consider taking her own life, which she ultimately did on Saturday.

    And the internet took a well-deserved victory lap:

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    What an incredible story. It just proves that, every now and then, a group of strangers on the internet can come together and accomplish something amazing.
     
    42yard, broken internet, CC and 20 others like this.
  8. Fancy

    Fancy thanks, i hate it
    Staff Donor TMB OG
    Oregon DucksSeattle MarinersSeattle SeahawksSeattle Supersonics

    You guys:

    We Need To Stop Teaching Our Kids That It’s Okay To Think Chris Webber Was A Complete Basketball Player
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    Ray Wald
    Blogger

    Posted Today
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    A few weeks ago, my 10-year-old, Dylan, came home incredibly upset. He had been talking to his friends at school, and when the topic inevitably turned to Chris Webber, one of them said Webber was a rare talent who dominated on both ends of the floor. “But I thought you said Chris Webber used his flashy play to mask his subpar defense and court vision,” Dylan said to me when he came home, nearly in tears.

    What happened to my son is sadly all too common across this country, and it has to change. We need to stop teaching our kids that it’s acceptable to think Chris Webber was a complete basketball player.

    At the end of the day, if we don’t talk to our children about Chris Webber, they’re going to hear about him at school, where you can’t control how Chris Webber will be discussed. They will hear all sorts of misguided claims about Chris Webber, like that he carried the Sacramento Kings to the 2001 Western Conference Finals—claims that, as adults, we know are untrue, but that kids, who don’t know any better, will believe.

    No one’s saying that Chris Webber wasn’t a very talented basketball player (I’m certainly not saying that). He was often an offensive threat who could make his own shot. But to go any further than that is to send a confusing and ultimately harmful message to our kids.

    ...if we don’t talk to our children about Chris Webber, they’re going to hear about him at school...

    The NBA and the Kings organization have done little to make discussing this tough subject any easier. Not only did the NBA permit Chris Webber to get selected for the NBA All-Star Game five times, but the Kings retired his number. What kind of message does that send to our children?

    Any sportswriter who puts Chris Webber on a 2000s All-Decade team is just trying to stir up controversy, and it’s hurting our kids. Would you want your son or daughter to be exposed to an article ranking Chris Webber ahead of the likes of Kevin Garnett, Dirk Nowitzki, and Tim Duncan? I know I’d be very upset if Dylan had to see something like that.

    Here are some talking points if you get stuck in your conversation with your preteen:

    • Chris Webber chased blocked shot stats over playing tough-nosed team defense
    • Intangibles count: Chris Webber always cracked under pressure
    • Mike Bibby made Chris Webber look better than he was
    • Chris Webber would have been a great role player on the 2000-2001 76ers team supporting Allen Iverson
    • Bad knees
    • Anyone with the audacity to compare Chris Webber to Charles Barkley is not someone you should be hanging around with
    Your kids will listen to you when you say that Chris Webber was a good player, but that building a team around him was a consistent recipe for mediocrity. Even if they roll their eyes, they will respect what you have to say about Chris Webber’s overrated abilities and what his rightful place in basketball history should be. It’s not an easy conversation to have, but it’s an important one. I had a long Chris Webber talk with Dylan, and now we both feel better. I urge you to do the same.


    http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/w...ault&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=twitter
     
    42yard, Duck70, Louis Holth and 20 others like this.
  9. Fancy

    Fancy thanks, i hate it
    Staff Donor TMB OG
    Oregon DucksSeattle MarinersSeattle SeahawksSeattle Supersonics

    Are You Addicted To Coffee?
    Posted Today
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    By now, you probably know about coffee, the hot sludge made from beans that people like to drink after waking up from their nightmares. Coffee is certainly a prominent sludge, but only a courageous few drink it every day, all the time. Are you one of those unique and interesting heroes who are truly addicted to coffee? Take this quiz to find out!




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    http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/are-y...ault&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=twitter
     
    AndersHolmvik, TC and Duck70 like this.
  10. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
    Donor
    Oregon Ducks

    I Looked At My Son’s Google Search History And It Was Just Hundreds Of Questions About Bugles Corn Snacks
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    Luke Ramsey
    Parent/blogger

    Posted April 16, 2015
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    As the father of a teenage boy in today’s digital age, I’m constantly stressing out about the kinds of media my son is seeking out online. My wife and I try to respect our son’s boundaries, but we know there is a lot of content online that could be inappropriate or even harmful to him. So a few weeks ago, in order to see what sorts of websites he has been visiting, I looked at my son’s Google search history, and it was nothing except hundreds of questions about Bugles corn snacks.

    I’m at a loss for what to do, and I was wondering if any other parents out there have any advice. For the record, here is a screenshot that shows a small portion of my son’s Google search history:

    [​IMG]
    There are literally hundreds of questions like this. I’m not really sure what course of action I should take. My son’s browsing history shows that he doesn’t go to any other websites. At this point, he uses the internet exclusively to search questions about Bugles corn snacks.

    I’m not really sure what course of action I should take.

    I guess there are worse things my son could be doing on the computer. According to his browsing history, he hasn’t been looking at porn, which is a relief. One time, he did search “Bugles porn LOUD,” but he didn’t click on any of the links that resulted from this search.

    In fact, my son never clicks on any of the links that come up after he searches his questions about Bugles. As far as I can tell, he just types in the questions and looks at all the links.

    My wife and I are very worried about our son. Last week, we tried to bond with him by bringing him a bag of Bugles, but all he did was kiss the bag and then try to flush it down the toilet. I just wish I could understand what my boy is thinking and feeling during this chaotic time in his life.

    If any parents out there have any tips, I would greatly appreciate it. Every day, my son searches more and more Bugles-related questions, and just yesterday I found an encrypted folder on his computer titled “Bugles secret” that I haven’t been able to open. I’ve never felt more helpless as a father, and my wife and I are growing increasingly concerned.

    Thanks in advance for your time and help.
     
  11. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
    Donor
    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta Braves

    Cancel Your Son’s Funeral Because ‘Full House’ Is Officially Coming Back!
    Posted today
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      Whoa! Stop everything, cancel your son’s funeral, and brace yourself for binge-watching, because Full House is officially coming back!

      [​IMG]
      Via giphy
      That’s right, ’90s kids! John Stamos confirmed on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night that Netflix has ordered a reunion special for the show, as well as a 13-episode spinoff series called Fuller House, meaning you need to drop everything you’re doing, call the funeral home, tell them to put your son on ice, and postpone the memorial service, because it’s time to get ready for your Full House fix!

      Hopefully the mortician can lay the embalming fluid on extra thick, because the new series won’t air until next year. Get ready to welcome the whole Tanner gang back into your living room just like the old days, when Uncle Jesse made you swoon, Uncle Joey made you laugh, and your son was still alive.

      So put a tarp over the grave plot, reschedule with the florist until 2016, and prepare for a blast from the past, because unlike your son, Full House is coming back!
     
    Danny Greene and Duck70 like this.
  12. allothersnsused

    allothersnsused Wow that’s crazy
    Donor
    Virginia CavaliersAtlanta BravesAtlanta HawksChelsea

    The test of time will tell, but I currently consider this to be one of the funniest things I've ever read:

    An Oral History Of ‘Mad Men’
    Posted Yesterday
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    Via AMC
    In 2007, a minor television network called AMC debuted an off-kilter and meandering period drama starring a group of unknown actors. The series was called “Mad Men,” and over the next few years, it turned its unknown cast into A-list stars, transformed its struggling network into a celebrated bastion of prestige programming, and, against all odds, changed the landscape of broadcast television forever.

    Now, with the legendary series drawing to a close, the men and women who made “Mad Men” possible have come together to discuss how the show began. Here, for the first time ever, is the complete and authoritative oral history of “Mad Men.”

    Chapter One: The Birth Of Donald Francis Draper
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    Via Vulture
    Matthew Weiner (series creator): It was 2006, and I had just been fired from The Sopranos for writing an episode where every single character dies on a roller coaster. I had been toying with the idea for Mad Men for a number of years, and since I was currently out of work, I figured I would try pursuing it in earnest. I sat down and wrote all seven seasons of Mad Men in about four hours.

    Ed Carroll (President, AMC Networks): At that time, the only thing airing on AMC was a show called Broderick Names Them Roderick, which was a reality show about Matthew Broderick holding divorced men at gunpoint and forcing them to change their legal name to Roderick against their will. We aired this show 24 hours a day. Needless to say, we were looking for some original programing.

    Matthew Weiner: I walked into Ed Carroll’s office without knocking, and I said, “What about a show where it’s Don Draper, baby?”

    Ed Carroll: Matt just stood in my office excitedly repeating the phrase “It’s Don Draper, baby!” over and over again. I had no idea what Don Draper was, but I said to Matt, “You’ve got yourself a show.”

    Matthew Weiner: The next step was to get a cast together.

    Jon Hamm (Don Draper): Yes. I am Hamm. I read the script of Mad Men. I knew that I wanted to be the main star. The secret man who drinks at work. I loved him. I called Matthew Weiner and I told him, “I love this script. I love the main star. Hamm must be Draper. It has to be Hamm.”

    Matthew Weiner: Definitely my favorite part about Don Draper is that he drinks at work.

    January Jones (Betty Draper): I went to the audition, and all Matt asked us to do was shout the word “advertising.”

    Matthew Weiner: It’s a show about advertising, so anyone we cast would have to be able to say “advertising” very loudly.

    Ed Carroll: Matt’s rule was whoever could shout the word “advertising” the loudest got to be in the show.

    Jon Hamm: I am Hamm.

    John Slattery (Roger Sterling): I knew I nailed the audition because I yelled “advertising” into a megaphone. Nobody else auditioning for Roger had thought to bring a megaphone.

    Matthew Weiner: To this day, I believe we assembled the perfect cast for that show. Every actor on Mad Men is terrible, but that’s only because there are no good actors in the world. I think we got the least bad actors who exist.

    Chapter Two: Making The Show
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    Via AMC
    Weiner’s unlikely television success was beginning to take shape. It had the script. It had the network. It had the cast. Now, they just had to film it. The first season of “Mad Men” is legendary for many reasons, but arguably its greatest triumph is the way it gradually reveals that Don Draper is not who he says he is—he is actually named Dick Whitman, and he stole the identity of the real Don Draper, his commanding officer in the Korean War who was killed in an explosion.

    Matthew Weiner: When I took Jon Hamm aside and told him that Don Draper’s real name was Dick Whitman, he was extremely happy.

    Jon Hamm: Yes, I am Hamm. One of my favorite things about the secret man who drinks at work is that he is actually a different man. Don Draper is Dick Whitman, but nobody knows. Dick Whitman saw Don Draper explode, and then Dick Whitman became Don Draper, and now Hamm is Draper. I thought that this was the best, and so when we were filming the show, I would always end every scene by saying, “I’m not Don Draper, I’m Dick Whitman! Yowza!”

    Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell): Jon Hamm is a talented actor, but during the pilot he kept going off script to announce that Don Draper was actually named Dick Whitman.

    Elisabeth Moss (Peggy Olson): Even for scenes he wasn’t in, Jon would burst into whatever room we were filming in and shout, “No, I’m not Don Draper! Don Draper exploded! I’m Dick Whitman instead! Yowza!”

    Matthew Weiner: He just wouldn’t stop. In the end, we just had to edit out hours of footage of Jon Hamm announcing, “I’m Dick Whitman. Yowza!”

    John Slattery: When Jon Hamm says the word “Yowza!” his voice gets extremely low-pitched, like a dragon is talking.

    Christina Hendricks (Joan Holloway): Matt was always telling the actors secrets about their characters.One day, in the early stages of filming the first season, Matt took me aside and told me that, in the Mad Men universe, Joan would eventually die by getting eaten by a shark in the year 2131, when she is 200 years old. He also told me that Joan knew that this was how she was going to die, and that she didn’t care.

    Matthew Weiner: Joan knows that a shark is going to eat her on her 200th birthday, and it doesn’t bother her at all. Every evening, she gets a phone call from a wizard in the middle of the night, and the wizard says, “A shark will swallow you when you are ancient,” and Joan always says, “So fucking what? I can’t wait.” The reason why Joan is destined to live until she is 200 years old is because her father accidentally ran over the wizard in his car, so the wizard put a curse on his daughter. This backstory informs every aspect of Joan’s character, even though it’s only hinted at a few times over the course of the show.

    January Jones: WhenVincent Kartheiser first showed up on set, he clearly had none of his lines memorized. Whenever we got to Pete Campbell’s lines, Vincent would go completely off script and start improvising lines about something called The Pete Campbell Weight-Loss Festival, an annual event in the desert where Pete Campbell led dieting seminars and aerobics classes for thousands of paid attendees.

    Elisabeth Moss: There is a moment in the pilot when Pete has come to Peggy’s apartment to try to seduce her, and Peggy says to Pete, “Why are you here?” Pete is supposed to say, “I wanted to see you tonight,” but Vincent didn’t know his lines at all, so he said, “Peggy, I am here to tell you about a wonderful opportunity for weight loss in the desert. It’s called The Pete Campbell Weight-Loss Festival, and boy does it work!”

    Vincent Kartheiser: People say I started ad-libbing those lines about The Pete Campbell Weight-Loss Festival because I hadn’t memorized the script. That’s not true. I had memorized the script. I just hated the script. I believed in The Pete Campbell Weight-Loss Festival. I still think it could work.

    Matthew Weiner: What a goddamned nightmare. All of the actors were such goddamned nightmares. They were the best cast I’ve ever worked with, but that’s only because every other actor in the world is even worse. There are no good actors on earth. The only good actor ever was Orson Welles, and my wife and I murdered him.

    Chapter Three: The Legacy Of Mad Men
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    Via AMC
    After seven seasons, “Mad Men” has made a permanent impact on the landscape of American television and on American culture at large. But what was it that made the show so successful, and how will the show be remembered in years to come? What, in short, is the legacy of “Mad Men”?

    Matthew Weiner: It definitely became this thing in the culture that I never could have anticipated. I recently got a letter from a woman that said, “I gave birth to identical triplets yesterday and named all three of them Don Draper. Those are their names because your show is so good.” I never thought Mad Men would have that kind of impact on people’s lives.

    Ed Carroll: Mad Men changed television forever. There used to be a lot of garbage on TV, but now every show is good. AMC is about to produce an amazing new drama called He Swallows It, which is a show where every episode a man writes “World War I” on a piece of paper and then eats that piece of paper. The only reason that a show like that exists is because Mad Men paved the way for quality programming. Matt Weiner’s show didn’t just save AMC; it saved all of American television.

    Jon Hamm: I am Hamm.Mad Men is about being the secret man who drinks at work. It is about watching a man explode and then saying, “I am that man who just exploded. Give me his trophies.”

    Matthew Weiner: At the end of the day, I just wanted to make a show about how easy it is to steal another man’s trophies. That’s why Dick Whitman watches the real Donald Draper explode and then says to the U.S. Army, “I am Don Draper, the man who exploded.” And the U.S. Army gives Dick Whitman all of Don Draper’s war trophies and sends him home and says, “Here is Don Draper, the man who exploded.” I just wanted to make a show about how easy it is to do a thing like that. It’s so easy to steal a man’s name after he explodes. A baby could do it. A dead dog could do it. Right now, somewhere in the world, a dead dog is probably saying, “I am the man who just exploded,” and the U.S. Army is probably nodding and saying, “Yes, you are. Have some trophies.”

    Elisabeth Moss: When Peggy Olson first starts working at Sterling Cooper, she’s a secretary, but she quickly works her way up to copywriter. To me, Mad Men is about how sometimes you’re supposed to do one thing, but then later, people will tell you to do another thing instead.

    Matthew Weiner: I’ve never told anyone this, but Matthew Weiner is not my real name. My real name is Francis Muscles. In 1992, I went to a restaurant with a television writer named Matthew Weiner. The man named Matthew Weiner started choking, so I tried to dislodge the food that was stuck in his throat by grabbing him by the ankles and swinging him against the wall over and over.

    John Slattery: People tend to think of Matthew Weiner as this happy, well-adjusted genius, but I don’t know if that’s true. If you really look into Matthew’s eyes, you’ll see some demons.

    Matthew Weiner: There I was holding onto this choking man’s ankles, slamming him into the wall over and over again while he gagged and gasped for breath. Anyway, after two continuous hours of slamming him against the wall, I realized he was dead. I turned to everyone in the restaurant, pointed at the dead man, and said, “Okay, I’m him now.” And everyone in the restaurant gave me a polite round of applause.

    Ed Carroll: Matt seems lighthearted when you first meet him, but once you get to know him, you start to realize that he’s carrying some sort of tremendous emotional burden that he just can’t talk about.

    Matthew Weiner: I stole the life of the real Matthew Weiner. My real name is Francis Muscles, and I’m a fraud. I’ve kept that secret for my entire career.

    John Slattery: To me, Mad Men is about how easy advertising is. Anyone can create an advertisement for anything in the world. Like, for instance, salt. I could make a commercial where a man walks out of the ocean, turns to the camera, and says, “Salt: It’s white sand.” That commercial would make everyone buy salt immediately. It’s so easy.

    Jon Hamm: In the end, I am Hamm.

    Christina Hendricks: To me, Mad Men is about a group of men and women who work in advertising in the 1960s and run into various problems.

    Matthew Weiner: It’s a lot of things to a lot of people, but to me, it’s just a television show. None of the stuff in Mad Men actually happened. We faked everything and made up all the characters. Mad Men is a complete lie, but it’s a beautiful lie. It’s the greatest lie I’ve ever told.
     
  13. TC

    TC Harvey Updyke: Eco-Terrorist
    Donor
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    A little hit or miss but I got some laughs.

    "Mad Men is about being the secret man who drinks at work. It is about watching a man explode and then saying, “I am that man who just exploded. Give me his trophies.”

    "I just wanted to make a show about how easy it is to do a thing like that. It’s so easy to steal a man’s name after he explodes. A baby could do it. A dead dog could do it. Right now, somewhere in the world, a dead dog is probably saying, “I am the man who just exploded,” and the U.S. Army is probably nodding and saying, “Yes, you are. Have some trophies.”

    :laugh:
     
  14. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
    Donor
    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta Braves

    What Winston Churchill Would Look Like Today
    Posted yesterday
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      Whenever an iconic person dies, their image becomes fixed in our memories, and it becomes nearly impossible to imagine what that legendary figure would have looked like if they’d been given a chance to grow old.

      But thanks to one artist, we no longer have to imagine. Now, we finally know what Winston Churchill would look like if he were alive today!

      That’s right. Brian Elmore, a freelance graphic design artist from Atlanta, has given us an astonishingly lifelike picture of what Churchill might have looked like if he were 140 years old. Take a look:

      [​IMG]
      Wow.

      Utilizing some of the same techniques used by law enforcement to age photographs of missing persons, Elmore provides a glimpse into what it would be like if the former British prime minister hadn’t died suddenly from a stroke in 1965.

      “When you’ve got somebody as iconic as Winston Churchill and then suddenly he’s just gone, I think it’s only natural that his image becomes frozen in time,” Elmore said. “In our minds, he’s forever that World War II leader giving the famous ‘V for Victory’ salute. But I wanted to remind people that he was a real person.”

      What an inspiring tribute to a great leader, and a sad reminder of what could have been.
     
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  15. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

    Yes, I am Hamm
     
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  16. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

    Awesome! This Lucky School Got Two Proms
    Posted Today
    [​IMG]
    Okay, we’re officially calling it: This year’s “Coolest Prom” contest is over, and it’s not even close. It’s a landslide win after what happened at Merrill High School in Georgia, where the juniors and seniors were treated to what most teens can only dream of: two proms in one night!

    Yep, get jealous, because these guys were taking it to a whole different level last Friday night, throwing two totally separate dances at two totally separate venues on opposite sides of town from one other.

    Double prom!

    We’re not even talking about different parts of the same event. These were two no-holds-barred, full-on celebrations. Just go ahead and imagine all the magic, excitement, dancing, and memories—times two! And you thought your school’s prom night was fun.

    Here’s the most unbelievable part of it all: Merrill High’s students are lucky enough that this wasn’t even the first time their proms came in a pair. They enjoyed the same multi-dance bonanza last year, the year before that, and every year, going back decades! Wow. How does a school this incredible even exist?

    Never stop going above and beyond, Merrill High!
     
  17. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

  18. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
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  19. * J Y *

    * J Y * TEXAS
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  20. eagle19

    eagle19 Nap Connoisseur
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  21. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

    hahaha god damnit this paragraph:

    "Even when opportunity finally does hand you the keys, you’ve gotta be ready to drive stick. I’d once ducked out of a lunch meeting at Northrop Grumman and stumbled across a behemoth of a conference room, packed to the gills with sharply dressed execs. When I burst in, it was like nothing I’d ever experienced. Dead silence, all eyes on me! I had one chance to make it count. And guess what? I choked. “I come in,” I said. The room spun, and I threw up on the table. As you can probably guess, I didn’t hand out any business cards that day."
     
  22. colonel_forbin

    colonel_forbin Well-Known Member
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    Not clickhole but whatever.

    [​IMG]
     
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  23. soulfly

    soulfly Well-Known Member
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    This Teenage Girl Was Kicked Out Of Prom Just For Wearing A Short Dress And Then Getting Fingered Under Her Dress And Then Starting To Have Sex On The Dance Floor
    Posted Today
    [​IMG]
    When 17-year-old Andrea Landis walked into her senior prom last Saturday, she was feeling confident. She had saved up for months to buy her outfit. She went to six different stores to find the one she wanted. She put it on and was ready for the night. But then, the unthinkable happened: Andrea was forcibly removed from her last high school formal just for wearing a short dress and then getting fingered under her dress and then starting to have sex on the dance floor.

    Wow.

    Was Andrea’s dress slightly above the knee? Yes. Was it fitted? Sure. Was the fingering and public sex making administrators a little uncomfortable? Perhaps. But since when did being uncomfortable give someone the right to kick out a student who was just trying to have a good time?

    Not even 15 minutes after showing up to her prom, Andrea had already been confronted by several chaperones who said she looked too “provocative.” Then she did some hand stuff and began straight up having sex in the middle of her high school’s gymnasium, and she was immediately kicked out. And to think the school did this without even listening to a word she said. Typical.

    If you wanted to make an example of her, congratulations, Homestead East: You did it! You took a 17-year-old girl who wasn’t even dancing and you ruined her prom night.

    Andrea, if you’re reading this, stay strong. If people can’t handle how you express yourself, that’s on them.
     
  24. Beeds07

    Beeds07 Bitch, it's Saturday
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    These are great
     
  25. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
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    Real-Life Liz Lemon? This Woman Hasn’t Been Seen Or Heard From Since 2013
    Posted today
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      If you’re a fan of NBC’s 30 Rock, chances are you sometimes find yourself relating to Liz Lemon. Given her quick wit, late nights at the office, and oddball single woman antics, it was downright impossible not to feel like you were just like Tina Fey’s quirky and offbeat character.

      Well, it’s time to put away your Slankets and night cheese, because it turns out Greensboro, NC resident Marlees Anthony might have just won the real-life Liz Lemon contest: Just like Liz, Marlees hasn’t been seen or heard from since 2013! Awesome.

      [​IMG]
      That’s right! Two years ago, security cameras picked up footage of 42-year-old Marlees Anthony being shoved headfirst into the backseat of a black 1997 Toyota Corolla, license plate 5AOJ230, and then blergh! Just like our favorite head writer of TGS With Tracy Jordan, she’s gone for good!

      But just how Liz is Marlees, really? According to the police report, April 30, 2013 was the last time we saw our real-life Lemon, walking unaccompanied outside a local pizzeria around 11:45 p.m. Perhaps while getting a late-night cheese fix? Nice! Can we get a what what?

      If you see a woman who fits this description, please contact Detective Karl Underwood of the Greensboro Police Department’s Adult Missing Persons Unit immediately. But until then, shut it down!
     
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  26. afb

    afb Spoiler Alert: Pawnee, IN may not be on a map.
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    fb comments are glorious
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    [​IMG]
     
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  27. CC

    CC Waiting for moments that never come
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    Everything We Know About The Guy Sitting Next To Us On The Plane Based On The Times We’ve Glanced At His Computer Screen
    Posted Today
    [​IMG]
    We don’t have all the details yet, but here’s all the information we’ve gathered thus far.

    1. He has a job that requires him to enter dollar amounts into an Excel document.
    [​IMG]
    He was doing this for a long time. We couldn’t tell what any of the dollar amounts correlated to, but some of them were for over a thousand dollars.

    2. He is scheduled to “Touch base with Brockton.”
    [​IMG]
    We learned this when he briefly pulled up his iCalendar.

    3. He really likes the Bourne movies.
    [​IMG]
    There was a folder on his desktop that was just called BOURNE, and it looked like it had all the movies in there. He watched The Bourne Legacy for a while, but stopped when the drink cart came around.

    4. He has a wife and daughter.
    [​IMG]
    He is posing lovingly with a woman and a little girl in his computer’s background photo, and we’re confident in assuming that these people are his wife and young daughter.

    5. He went on vacation to Florida or some place like it.
    [​IMG]
    This is also something we deduced from the background photo.

    6. Either he or someone he works with is named Jason.
    [​IMG]
    One of the files he had opened up was called JasonRemittance.xls. You figure either he or someone he’s professionally affiliated with must be a Jason.

    7. He is financially secure enough to pay $8 for three hours of internet access.
    [​IMG]
    It could just be that his work pays for it. But he definitely carries himself in a way that would suggest he’s comfortable shelling out for mile-high Wi-Fi.

    8. His trackpad is absolutely filthy.
    [​IMG]
    He should really consider cleaning it.
     
  28. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
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    shawnoc, Duck70 and little cletus like this.
  29. SP1

    SP1 Ball State #1
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  30. CC

    CC Waiting for moments that never come
    Donor TMB OG
    Miami HurricanesLos Angeles Dodgers

    Inspiring! This Nonprofit Took The World’s Last Northern White Rhino On An Unforgettable Trip To Six Flags
    Posted Today
    [​IMG]
    The rare northern white rhino is one of the planet’s most majestic creatures. But sadly, environmental overdevelopment and ivory poaching have rendered this noble rhinoceros subspecies all but extinct, with only a single known animal left in existence.

    So, in an incredible act of selflessness, one nonprofit conservancy group decided to go the extra mile and give this magnificent beast an amazing gift: They took her to Six Flags!

    That’s right! Over the weekend, a group of activists got together and took Khari, the last animal of her kind, on a day-long excursion to Six Flags: Fiesta Texas. Members of the African Wildlife Preservation Society reached into their own pockets and spent more than $100,000 to transport Khari all the way from the Ol Pejeta wildlife refuge in Kenya to San Antonio, treating her to rides like the Hill Country Racer, Superman: Krypton Coaster, and dozens of other attractions. Awesome.

    “The day was all about Khari,” said Dan Chambers, president of the preservation society. “Our handlers were there to help guide her around the park, but for the most part we let Khari go wherever she wanted. She ate some cotton candy and splashed around in the Lone Star Lagoon for a little bit. She seemed to really enjoy the #iPoP musical revue. Our number one priority was making sure Khari had an unforgettable experience, and it seems like she did.”

    From the time the park opened at 10:30 a.m. until the final fireworks show at 9 p.m., volunteers made sure that Khari, whose subspecies once populated the African savanna by the thousands, was having the time of her life. They went all out!

    “Khari’s been dealt a tough hand due to careless polluters and heartless poachers,” Chambers said. “There’s nothing we can change about that, but we can give Khari the chance to have her picture taken with the Looney Tunes characters and buy her some glow necklaces at the end of the day to wear around her horn. So, that’s what we did.”

    Inspiring! It’s sad to think there will never be another animal like Khari, but thanks to one dedicated group of individuals, at least she got a special day that was all about her.
     
  31. soulfly

    soulfly Well-Known Member
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    "really makes you wish you didn't sign up for stock photos" :roll:
     
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  32. NCHusker88

    NCHusker88 We named our yam Pam. It rhymed.
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    “They were furious after they found out my name doesn’t actually rhyme.”
    —Sean Bean
    On why his character was killed off so early in “Game Of Thrones”
     
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  33. TC

    TC Harvey Updyke: Eco-Terrorist
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    7 Million People Direct Descendants Of Single Smooth-Talking Ancestor
    BALTIMORE—Geneticists at the Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that an estimated seven million people worldwide carry a distinctive genetic marker linking them to a single smooth-talking common ancestor.

    [​IMG]
    Gwilym of Many Conquests is believed to have smelled amazing for a ninth-century Welshman.

    According to the study, which analyzed blood samples from 4,000 participants in 17 countries, the lineage appears to have originated with a highly virile ninth-century Welsh nobleman known as Gwilym of Many Conquests.

    "This is one of the largest diasporas known to have descended from a single progenitor," said head researcher Lawrence Ghilcrest, adding that DNA evidence now corroborates stories about the Welshman that historians once dismissed as myth. "To have propagated his genetic material so effectively, and across so much territory, we can only infer Gwilym was quite the charmer."

    "As the poets often wrote, he got 'more arse than a chamber pot,'" Ghilcrest added.

    According to lore, Gwilym was a persuasive mead-house balladeer known for his "gilded, tunic-dropping verse." Many texts note his total lack of standards concerning the age, weight, and appearance of the women he bedded, claiming that his silk-adorned pallet never lay cold for even a single night after his 17th birthday.

    The Johns Hopkins study attempts to trace the flow of Gwilym's genes from the British Isles through Europe, North Africa, South America, Asia, and back to South America. Because his DNA spread so quickly, researchers put credence in stories about Gwilym and his immediate offspring traveling great distances on the mere rumor of a loose handmaiden.

    Though little is known of Gwilym's life, artists have traditionally depicted the suave nobleman riding an eye-catching white mustang and wearing garishly colored linen garments that fall loosely about the chest to reveal a large medallion bearing his family's crest. It is remarkable, historians note, that he was able to spread his seed so far and wide before the age of 29, when he was savagely beaten to death by a neighboring lord known as Dafydd of Nine Cuckolds.

    "Records indicate Gwilym was often accompanied by a retinue of male hangers-on, to whom he would occasionally bequeath a female he had already had his way with," said Lucas Pearson, a prominent medievalist at Cardiff University. "A surviving account from one of these men, Emrys the Drought-Plagued—who described himself as 'saddled by cruel fate with damnable bouts of celibacy'—bitterly derides Gwilym's callous, indifferent treatment of his conquests after his seductions were complete."

    "You really can't blame people for being envious of Gwilym, though," Pearson continued. "I mean, how did this jerk do it? Unbelievable."

    According to Johns Hopkins' Ghilcrest, the genetic marker his team discovered primarily manifests itself in the trait of extreme persistence, often making its carriers completely impervious to rejection.

    "It's rare to see one dominant trait express itself so uniformly in a genealogy across time," said Ghilcrest, noting that this very trait appears to explain why Gwilym had such success in passing down his DNA. "Like his modern descendants, [Gwilym] would systematically approach every woman in his immediate vicinity and engage in elaborate courtship rituals that sometimes lasted 10 or 12 hours. When every opportunity for coupling was exhausted, he would move on, often covering a great deal of ground in a single evening."

    Emmanuel Chereskin, a biologist at the University of Rochester, said the genetic marker also produces some unique secondary phenotypes among those who carry it. These include long, flowing hair; superior whistling skills; and especially muscular arms and shoulders that may facilitate long bouts of casually leaning against walls. Gwilym's descendants have also been shown to produce a strong and intoxicating natural musk.

    "These individuals are extremely adept at feigning interest in even the most tedious topics," said Chereskin, referring to an experiment in which men who carry the marker were asked to listen to an attractive woman talk at length about plans for her sister's upcoming wedding. "Additionally, when properly cued, they will reflexively spin subtle innuendo from even the most banal phraseology."

    Chereskin added that theories of genetic expression suggest several well-known public figures are likely descendants of Gwilym, including actor Matthew McConaughey and Vice President Joe Biden.

    News of these findings have prompted many to undergo testing to determine if they too might be descended from this celebrated medieval Lothario. Reginald Sperino, a 36-year-old Henderson, NV waterbed salesman who tested positive for the sequence, said he is proud to come from such a noble line of sweet-talkers.

    "I always thought there was something special about me," Sperino said. "I mean, what can I—hey, there, beautiful—what can I say? It's nice to finally have an explanation for my je ne sais quoi."
     
  34. DrTomOsbourne

    DrTomOsbourne Insane Woman Magnet
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    They have a new one for parenting called After Birth.
     
  35. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

    The Oral History Of Michael Jordan’s Legendary ‘Flu Game’
    Posted Today
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    Via CBS
    It’s one of those images that stays with you forever: Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player who ever lived, collapsing helplessly into the arms of Scottie Pippen following Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals. Ignoring the limitations of his flu-ravaged body, Jordan mustered a spectacular 38-point performance to elevate his Chicago Bulls over the Utah Jazz, paving the way for his fifth championship in seven years. Now, nearly two decades later, those who were there for the storied game have come together to describe what it was like to be part of history.

    1. 40 Hours To Tipoff
    [​IMG]
    Via citiesgallery.com
    Tim Grover (Bulls trainer): I was sleeping at the team’s hotel, and around 2 a.m. I got a phone call from Michael’s bodyguard. He told me that Dragonheart was about to come on HBO and that Michael wanted everybody to know. So I hung up and went back to sleep. Ten minutes later, he called me again, only this time something was wrong.

    George Koehler (Jordan’s bodyguard): Mike was throwing up everywhere. He was flying around the room like a fire hose, throwing up on the curtains, the ceiling, everything. He threw up so hard that his eye popped out.

    Michael Jordan: No one throws up better than Michael Jordan, and I proved it that night. I’m the best in the world at basketball and throwing up and crafts and swimming.

    Tim Grover: It sounded like he might have a stomach bug, so I told George to give Michael an Alka-Seltzer and then touch base with me in the morning.

    Phil Jackson (Bulls head coach): I remember I was watching Dragonheart in my hotel room and someone started pounding on my door. It was George, and he was shouting incoherently—something about the ice machine and Michael being naked.

    George Koehler: Mike’s fever was out of control, so I carried him out into the hallway and tried to stuff him in the top of the ice machine to cool him down. He kept slipping out, though, so I just put him on the ground and dumped buckets of ice on him until he was buried.

    Phil Jackson: My philosophy has always been to trust players to make their own choices. When I saw Michael that night, I simply told him that I respected his choice to lie naked and unresponsive beneath ice cubes. And that was that.

    Tim Grover: The next morning, I checked in on Michael, and he looked absolutely disgusting. Just a wet, putrid raisin of a man, curled up naked in the hotel hallway. He’d probably lost 60 pounds since I’d last seen him, and hundreds of ants were crawling all over his face and body. He was missing an eye. But it didn’t worry me in the slightest. After all, this was Michael Jordan. Nothing could keep him down.

    Michael Jordan: I’m not really sure how I got sick, but I do know that I was the sickest NBA player in the world at that point, and no one’s been sicker since. I call the commissioner three times a day to make sure.

    George Koehler: How did Michael get sick? Go figure. He’d just been doing the same things he always does before big games: studying pictures of basketballs; talking game strategy with his three snakes; disassembling and reassembling phones. I do recall him eating linguine and clam sauce out of a duffel bag in the sauna, but that wouldn’t faze him. The guy’s invincible.

    Scottie Pippen (Bulls forward): He was only going to eat a little linguine and clam sauce, but then he decided to eat 23 pounds of it, because 23 is his lucky number and he didn’t want to cause any plane crashes with his bad luck. But I don’t think that’s what made him sick. I’m convinced there was foul play.

    Jerry Sloan (Jazz head coach): I’ve heard plenty of conspiracy theories over the years that we somehow poisoned Michael Jordan before that game, and they’re all absolutely true. [Jazz guard] Jeff Hornacek pretended he was room service and gave Michael a Gatorade bottle full of Lysol and dimethylmercury, and Michael finished it off in three giant gulps. Then he ordered five more bottles and finished those off, too. He tipped Jeff with a crisp $100 bill for each bottle, and we all thought that was incredibly cool.

    Marcus Acker (basketball fan): I also poisoned Michael Jordan. We were staying at the same hotel as the team, and I wanted to do something to impress my two boys, Bradley and Keenan.

    2. Three Hours To Tipoff
    [​IMG]
    As the start of Game 5 drew near, Jordan still wasn’t showing any sign of improvement. Barring a miraculous last-minute recovery, it seemed all but certain that Jordan would have to sit the game out.

    Phil Jackson: It was the day of the game, and we were getting on the bus to go down to the stadium. Everyone was there but Michael, who was still choosing to be incapacitated and naked.

    Ron Harper (Bulls guard): I remember thinking, “Damn, we can’t win this thing without Mike.” He’d feel left out.

    Luc Longley (Bulls center): Ron and I went upstairs to check on Michael. We found him lying there in the hallway, looking pretty rough. His skin was all white and waxy, and one of his pet snakes was trying to swallow him.

    Ron Harper: Honestly, it probably would’ve been best for him to just stay behind, but we knew he wouldn’t go for that. No force on Heaven or Earth was gonna stop him from playing in that game. So, we wrapped him in a shower curtain and dragged him down to the bus.

    Michael Jordan: Anyone who tries to tell you that I’m not the best basketball player who ever lived should be turned into metal like Han Solo and fed to an octopus. I’m 8-foot-3. No one can beat me.

    Phil Jackson: When we got to the stadium, Michael was still in no shape to play. He was lying in a heap on the locker room floor, only breathing every 20 seconds or so. I could sense that he needed some words of wisdom. I knelt down next to him, peeled open his eyelids, and said, “Michael, today is basketball. ” And right when I finished talking, he released his bladder. You could tell I’d gotten through to him.

    3. Game Time: First Quarter
    [​IMG]
    Via niketalk.com
    Rumors of Jordan’s illness had quickly spread, and with tipoff just minutes away, no one in the stadium—from the opposing players to the media to the sellout crowd—knew whether he would suit up to play. The suspense was palpable as the PA announcer began reading off the visiting starting lineup: first, Scottie Pippen, then Dennis Rodman, Luc Longley, and Ron Harper. Finally, Jordan’s name was announced. It was time to play basketball.

    Ron Harper: We wheeled Michael out on a dolly and left him at center court. He was still unconscious, but we knew he wouldn’t let that hold him back.

    Scottie Pippen: The first quarter started, and you could tell right away that Mike had no energy. Five, six minutes went by, and he still hadn’t moved or opened his eyes.

    Tim Grover: We called a timeout, and I ran out to go check on Michael. Turns out he was clinically dead, and he’d been dead for at least 10 minutes.

    Phil Jackson: Tim was out there hammering on Michael’s chest for, like, half an hour, trying to drum up a pulse. The crowd was starting to get antsy, but I told Mike he probably shouldn’t play.

    Michael Jordan: Being dead was actually pretty great. I was having fun in Heaven helping Jesus dig a big hole to put disobedient angels inside. But when coach said I was too sick to play, that really lit a spark in me. I knew I needed to come back to Earth and compete.

    Toni Kukoc (Bulls forward): I knew Mike would eventually snap out of it. He’s the most competitive person I’ve ever known. I once bet him $50 he couldn’t jump high enough to touch the Jumbotron, and he immediately set out to prove me wrong. He lived at the arena for three years straight, staying up night after night trying to get to that Jumbotron. And while he ultimately didn’t end up touching it, you better believe he got close.

    Tim Grover: We carried Michael’s corpse off the court and were about to toss it in the trash when, out of nowhere, he started convulsing and gasping for air.

    Scottie Pippen: The game had just started back up again, and we were all under the impression that we were gonna have to play without our MVP. But then I heard this loud voice hollering from the other end of the court: “The net is hungry for balls, and Chef Michael’s gonna fill up its tummy!” It was Michael! He was back!

    Michael Jordan: There’s not a plane that takes you back from Heaven or anything like that. I had to make a parachute out of a garbage bag and float back down to the basketball game.

    4. Second Quarter
    [​IMG]
    Via niketalk.com
    As Jordan checked back into the game, the call from play-by-play announcer Marv Albert memorably captured the energy of the moment: “Hey, looky there, it’s Michael Jordan, and he isn’t dead! Wowie! Fuck my stars, I’ve never seen anything like this in my 30 years of broadcasting. A real-life fucking zombie. Jesus Christ!” Despite the excitement brought on by his return, Jordan was still battling through debilitating flu symptoms and playing largely on adrenaline. Making matters worse, his Bulls were down 16 points, and the Jazz were quickly running away with the contest.

    Michael Jordan: I went out on that court with every intention to win. I’d never lost a single basketball game in my entire life, and this wasn’t going to be the first.

    Karl Malone (Jazz forward): Michael had a really intense, competitive look to him, but I wasn’t worried. The only things that worry me are dogs with foggy eyes and the possibility of gravity giving out while I’m standing under a ceiling fan.

    Dennis Rodman (Bulls forward): The ants had eaten off most of the flesh from his arms and torso—you could see a lot of his skeleton—and yet, somehow, he just took control of that game.

    Scottie Pippen: Mike’s usual strategy was to hold the basketball high above his head and scream “Hot soup! Hot soup!” while sprinting directly to the basket, but he didn’t have the energy for that. So he just started finding workarounds.

    John Stockton (Jazz guard): Whenever we’d try to guard him, he’d just sort of lazily somersault between our legs and huck the ball toward the basket from the ground. Most of the time he missed, but his teammates kept dishing him rebounds so he could try again. He took 183 shots during the quarter and got 17 points out of it, which was enough to even things up.

    Greg Ostertag (Jazz center): Every time he’d somersault, he’d leave a trail of slime on the court, and it got really slippery.

    Michael Jordan: People always ask me where I learned to somersault like that, and the truth is that it’s just something that I’d always practiced down at my thinking bog.

    Steve Kerr (Bulls guard): Michael’s never let anyone come with him to his thinking bog, but he says there’s a frog down there who tells him Bible stories.

    5. Third Quarter
    [​IMG]
    Via Chicago Tribune
    During halftime, Jordan was given fluids and cold towels to ease his illness, but the fatigue once again got the best of him. He would spend most of the quarter on the sidelines while his teammates battled for control of the 2-2 series.

    Tim Grover: Michael died a couple more times during halftime, and when the third quarter started, he still didn’t seem ready to play. We carried his body out to the bench and waited for him to come back to life again.

    Toni Kukoc: Part of his brain was hanging out of his empty eye socket, and if you pinched it his arm spazzed a little.

    Michael Jordan: When I went back to Heaven again, Jesus was mad that I’d left him to dig the hole for disobedient angels alone. I apologized and gave him a back rub, and while I was rubbing his back, I noticed some weird lumps concealed under his shirt. They were angel wings! And everybody knows that Jesus doesn’t have wings. I quickly surmised that this was an impostor—likely one of the disobedient angels that the real Jesus was going to put in the hole. This probably meant that the real Jesus was in danger, and I knew that it was up to me to save him.

    Scottie Pippen: With Michael out again, our plan was to just constantly foul the other team to slow the pace of the game and give Michael time to muster up his energy. Anytime a Jazz player got the ball, we would tackle him to the ground and pinch him all over until the ref whistled.

    Karl Malone: They must’ve pinched me a million times, but it didn’t bother me at all. The only things that bother me are wearing shirts that don’t have my name on the back and the possibility that all the orange juice in the world could run out one day.

    Phil Jackson: The Jazz were taking control of the game again, and it was clear that we really needed Michael. I went over to him, took his dead head in my hands, and I said, “Michael, you can choose to stay dead if you want, but being dead means you’re no longer the best basketball player in the world.”

    Michael Jordan: I stopped massaging the impostor Jesus’ back and pretended like I had to go use the bathroom. Then I sneaked into Jesus’ royal condo to look for clues. I followed a trail of angel glitter into the spare bedroom and found the real Jesus tied up in the closet. But right when I was going to save him, I received a message from Coach back on Earth telling me that I was no longer the best basketball player alive. There was no time to save Jesus. I needed to get back to the game.

    Dennis Rodman: Things were really starting to look bad for us, when all of a sudden a huge geyser of throw-up sprayed out of Michael’s face and he snapped back to life.

    John Stockton: Out of nowhere I heard someone yell, “Jesus is an impostor and I am the best basketball player alive!” And then I saw Jordan flailing wildly out onto the court. He snatched the ball right out of the ref’s hands and tomahawk-dunked it 30 times in a row before his teammates could calm him down. None of the points counted.

    6. Fourth Quarter
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    Via Yahoo
    The Jazz, undefeated in their previous 23 home games, held a 72-67 lead heading into the fourth. If Jordan couldn’t battle through his illness and deliver a commanding performance, the Jazz would be comfortably positioned to deprive the Bulls of their second consecutive championship.

    Hugh Evans (referee): I had reffed Michael’s legendary “foam game” during the ’91 Finals, when he scored 46 points despite being covered with foam, and I didn’t think he could ever top that. But, boy, was I wrong.

    Scottie Pippen: Mike came out of the gate in the fourth and took us on a 10-0 run, mostly just using this old play of his called the Wet Pick-And-Roll. One of us would set a screen for him and then he’d put the entire basketball in his mouth, find an opening, spit the ball out into his hands, and take the shot.

    Steve Kerr: The putting-the-ball-in-his-mouth part probably made the play 90 percent less effective, but it didn’t matter. Mike was that good.

    Karl Malone: Michael was really bringing it in the fourth, but I wasn’t afraid. The only things I’m afraid of are the vicious grackles outside my garage and fences that don’t have signs telling you if they’re electrified or not.

    Michael Jordan: The game was close with a little over five minutes left, and I was about to die again from playing basketball so good. Everybody else looked tired, too, and that gave me an idea.

    John Stockton: Michael came up to me and held my hand and told me he had some important business he wanted to discuss at center court. We walked to center court, and he said, “Hello. I am the best basketball player in the world. I am 8-foot-3 and 97 years old. Since everyone is dying from playing basketball, we should relax on the floor for a while. When there are 60 seconds left on the clock, we can play basketball again.” I tried to say no, but he’d already wandered off to tell everyone else.

    Ron Harper: Both teams sat in a big circle and relaxed together for four minutes. It was nice. But when the clock wound down to 60 seconds left, we all jumped up and started screaming and running again.

    Dennis Rodman: Mike grabbed the ball and got fouled right away. He stepped up to the free-throw line and—being the trash-talker he is—turned to Malone and said, “Karl, I’m going to make the first shot, miss the second by 48 feet, grab the rebound, puke out of my eyehole, dish the ball to Scottie, and then get wide open behind the arc.” And sure enough, he did exactly that.

    Scottie Pippen: There were 26 seconds left, the score was tied at 85, and I had a sense that the game was probably going to be decided by this possession. I got the ball and was about to take a shot when I saw Mike at the perimeter, waving his skeleton arms for a pass. So I passed it to him.

    Steve Kerr: Michael got the ball and squared up for the shot, but then got distracted by the sight of himself on the Jumbotron. He was very concerned about how there could be two of him. He pulled down his shorts to compare penises with the guy on the screen, realized that it was indeed him, got scared, then grabbed a child’s soda and threw it at the screen. Then he looked back to the court, pulled back, and—with the defender’s hand in his face—took the shot. Swish. Nothing but net. A dagger in Utah’s championship hopes.

    Michael Jordan: I was so happy that I didn’t even care that my intestines were dangling out all over my legs. I was the best basketball player in the world again, and no one could take that from me.

    7. Postgame
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    Via CBS
    Jordan’s clutch three-pointer brought him to 38 points for the night and put the Bulls ahead 88-85 with just seconds remaining. Utah scrambled to recover, but the Bulls stood their ground, winning Game 5 by a final score of 90-87.

    Scottie Pippen: After we won, Mike just fell into my arms like a child, as exhausted and feeble as I’d ever seen him. But then something perked him back up again. He pushed away from me, ran over to the bench, grabbed a gun, and shot me in the head.

    Ron Harper: Mike shot me in the head, too.

    Luc Longley: Michael shot Scottie, Ron, Dennis, and me, and then he turned the gun around and shot himself.

    Michael Jordan: I needed to get back to Heaven to save Jesus from the impostor, and I decided to bring my teammates to help me.

    Luc Longley: The other four went straight to Heaven, but I went to Hell for some reason. I’m still there to this day.

    Ron Harper: I was pissed because we’d just finished this long, exhausting basketball game and then Mike made us go battle angels for four days and four nights.

    Dennis Rodman: Angels have claws. You wouldn’t think so, but they do. That was probably my least favorite part about the glorious battle we fought against them in Heaven.

    Scottie Pippen: It took a while, but we eventually trapped all the disobedient angels in the giant hole and rescued the real Jesus. It’s a good thing, too, because they were draining all his powers into a bomb that they were going to use to blow up the Grand Canyon.

    Michael Jordan: I’m the greatest angel slayer who ever lived.

    Scottie Pippen: To thank us for saving him, Jesus gave us each a thousand dollars and a nice pen. Then he let us all go back to Earth to finish our natural lives.

    Michael Jordan: Anyone who says I’m not the greatest can go throw themselves in the hole with the disobedient angels. The fact is that I’m number one, and everything else is a cowardly lie.
     
  36. TC

    TC Harvey Updyke: Eco-Terrorist
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    ^
    It was way too long for me to make it through but I was amused by the part I read so have a like
     
  37. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
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  38. tne

    tne Now tagging people with spaces in their name
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    Arsenal

    lol
     
  39. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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  40. Killy Me Please

    Killy Me Please I lift things up and put people down.
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  41. CC

    CC Waiting for moments that never come
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    Breakfast In Bed Served To Mom Who Just Got Eaten Out
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    NEWS IN BRIEFMay 12, 2013
    VOL 49 ISSUE 19 Local
    PEORIA, IL—While celebrating Mother’s Day today, local woman and mother of two Ellen Taylor, 38, was reportedly served breakfast in bed by her children mere minutes after being voraciously eaten out by her husband. “Ooh, what a treat!” said Taylor while receiving a tray of scrambled eggs, pancakes, and orange juice, sitting up on the same damp sheets upon which she had moments earlier moaned in pleasure as her husband’s firm tongue rapidly contorted in and around her slick vagina. “Strawberry pancakes! My favorite!” Upon finishing her Mother’s Day breakfast, Taylor reportedly urged her children to go downstairs and “let Mommy sleep a little longer.”
     
  42. soulfly

    soulfly Well-Known Member
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    Hacktivism Gone Too Far? Anonymous Just Leaked The President’s Address

    Anonymous has proven time and time again that its power knows no bounds, but did it go too far this time? The hacker collective has released the private information of individuals and companies it disagrees with in the past, but last night, it took things to a whole new level by leaking the president’s address.

    Here’s a screenshot of the tweet that has since been removed by Twitter:

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    The “doxxing,” as it is commonly called, appears to be Anonymous’ response to some of the president’s more controversial policies, including his continued support for drone warfare and NSA surveillance.

    And it didn’t end with the release of his home address. The hacktivist group went on to leak the president’s name, the names of his family members, and the location where he works. All of that information is now on the internet where anyone who wants to can see it.

    Shocking.

    Did Anonymous cross the line by releasing the commander-in-chief’s home address? Let us know what you think.
     
  43. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    The self reflecting 'goddamn' at the end kills me.
     
  44. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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  45. Fancy

    Fancy thanks, i hate it
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  46. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
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    Amazing: Check Out These Letters Between Ernest Hemingway And F. Scott Fitzgerald
    Posted today
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      In the early 1920s, F. Scott Fitzgerald sent Ernest Hemingway the first draft of the novel that would go on to become his magnum opus, ‘The Great Gatsby.’ What followed was one of the most incredible correspondences in the history of American literature. If you’ve never seen these letters before, you’ve got to check them out right now! They offer some remarkable insight into one of the greatest novels of all time.

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      Wow! If you love ‘The Great Gatsby’ (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?), then this peek into the fascinating process behind its creation is truly amazing! It just goes to show how much work can go into creating a masterpiece.
     
  47. TC

    TC Harvey Updyke: Eco-Terrorist
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    Haha the university where I work has one of the preeminent collections of Fitzgerald and Hemingway papers and I just sent that piece to a guy I know that works with the library special collections with the note "It's come to my attention that our Gatsby and Hemingway collections are incomplete. Please track down this important new manuscript to fill in the lacuna"
     
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  48. TC

    TC Harvey Updyke: Eco-Terrorist
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    Jesus Christ I quote unquote "lost hard" reading that