This cracked me up: http://www.clickhole.com/article/oral-history-mad-men-2329 Edit - this was already posted, my bad. I was in tears reading it at work (as well as the MJ one).
We Asked 22 Crab Fishermen About The Most Famous Person They Ever Trawled Up Out Of The Ocean Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It We asked 22 commercial crab fishermen from dozens of harbors all over the world one simple question: Who is the most famous person you ever trawled out of the ocean in your crab trap?Their answers were amazing. 1. Peter Hammett – “I’m sorry, maybe I misunderstood what you were asking, but I’ve only ever caught crabs.” 2. Sidney Buford – “No celebrities, just crabs.” 3. Michael Christianson – “Famous people? Like, celebrities? Never.” 4. Jonas Moore – “I’ve never pulled a famous person out of the ocean.” 5. Daniel Aguinaldo – “I’ve only ever caught crabs.” 6. Lawrence Morrison – “Just crabs.” 7. Theodore Michaels – “I’m really sorry, but I’ve never caught a celebrity in my crab traps.” 8. Mitchell Hoffman – “I’m not sure I know what you’re asking.” 9. Bryan Puckett – “I haven’t been in this business very long, but so far I’ve never found any celebrities in the ocean.” 10. Stephen Lurie – “I’ve only ever seen crabs in my traps.” 11. Charles McCarthy – “The traps are specifically designed to catch crabs. It would be very unlikely that they would be able to catch any human, let alone a famous one.” 12. Paul Williams – “What?” 13. Robert Mayfield – “Just crabs.” 14. William Bradshaw – “So, one day, I’m out in the middle of the Bering Sea, and I haul my crab trap out of the water, and wouldn’t you know it, there in the cage is celebrated author Philip Roth. ‘I wrote the books!’ he screams at me through the bars of the cage. ‘I wrote the long books and the short books!’ And I scream right back at him, ‘Shut up! Just shut up for once in your goddamn life, Philip Roth!’ And so there’s Philip Roth, dripping wet in my crab trap in the middle of the ocean, shrieking the titles of all his books in reverse chronological order, and there’s me with tears of rage streaming down my face while I scream at him to just be quiet. It was complete mayhem. Eventually I just threw him back into the ocean, where I hope he drowned.” 15. Ryan Monroe – “Only crabs, sorry.” 16. Brett Lawler – “I’ve never caught any famous people. When I go out on the water, I’m mainly looking for crabs.” 17. Alexander Samuelson – “Just crabs.” 18. Evan Mayweather – “The only things I’ve caught in my crab traps are crabs.” 19. Leon Anosov – “I once pulled my crab trap out of the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and found Pulitzer Prize–winning novelist Philip Roth in there. It was such an honor. He begged me not to throw him back, but I threw him back.” 20. Joshua Raab – “Just crabs.” 21. Ezra Harris – “I’ve never caught a human, famous or otherwise, in all my years as a crab fisherman.” 22. Jeffrey Gaines – “I don’t understand the question.”
"The rat-faced jackal man, who is more rat than man, and more jackal that rat, who yearns for bricks to the face" had me dying.
Drastic Measures: These Scientists Repelled An Invasive Species By Introducing Green Bay Packers To The Ecosystem Posted yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It When the entirety of Florida’s Everglades were overrun by the nonindigenous red-lipped tree frog, conservationists knew that they needed to take decisive action. The resilient amphibians faced no predators in the region, and they were wreaking havoc on the area’s natural balance. But then, a team of scientists had a brilliant idea to save the swamp by introducing Green Bay Packers into the ecosystem. Science win! “We’re very pleased that introducing Green Bay Packers into the wildlife of southern Florida has been able to keep our frog problem in check,” said Dr. Elizabeth Wheaton, who helmed the environmental scientists’ efforts to use members of the Wisconsin-based NFL team to reduce the numbers of this invasive frog species. “It’s truly remarkable to see this roster of 53 players flourish so readily in the swamp environment, and they’ve managed to rid the area almost entirely of its tree frogs.” Nice! In only a matter of weeks, the Green Bay Packers’ proclivity to hunt and kill the tree frogs restored the swamp’s fragile ecological network to comfortable sustainability. Their size and strength lends them a natural advantage in preying upon the non-native frogs! Researchers say that the Green Bay Packers have practically eliminated all the red-lipped tree frogs and brought much-needed stability to the delicate marshes. And as a bonus? The Everglades’ mangrove forests are now full of Packers! “There were initial reservations,” said Kenneth Hempel, a forest ranger who oversees the national park. “Where were all these Packers going to live? What were they going to eat? Could they, in time, come to be an even more ineradicable problem for us? But it worked out. Green Bay Packers are actually very docile and a great fit for the habitat.” Perfect! With the Everglades’ bogs and cypress tree copses now inhabited by a flourishing population of Green Bay Packers, there won’t be any red-lipped tree frogs in the wetlands for a long time to come! Thank goodness for these preservationists’ quick thinking!
Might be the greatest thing posted in the history of the internet. Enjoy the next 20 minutes: http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/its-your-first-day-new-high-school-can-you-become--2233#1,
Things Only People With Incredibly Sexy Parents Will Understand Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It If your parents are unbelievably hot, you’ll definitely understand this. When you’re out in public, people are constantly staring at your parents. You recognize texts like this: You know exactly what this is: Your best friend casually reminding you that your mother’s “saintly” bosoms are slightly fuller above the nipple meridian than below it, making them, scientifically, the ideal breasts. In art class, everyone paints your parents intertwined in sexual congress in such a way that it’s clear they’ve all imagined it extensively. When your art teacher took home all the students’ paintings for “research.” When you bring a boy or girl to meet your parents, he or she immediately screams and then runs out into the middle of the nearest highway because the immense beauty of your parents makes them ashamed to be alive. When the FAA changes several major flight patterns so that planes buzz right over your roof every 10 minutes in the hope that the passengers might see your sweaty, achingly beautiful parents doing yard work, glistening in the sun. But at the end of the day, you know your incredibly sexy parents love you and just want what’s best for you. So, give them a hug next time you see them, and know that most people would love to see their sweaty, perfect bodies slide all over each other.
“Kevin, I am so mad right now,” your teacher says. “Not only did you disrespect me and your classmates by unleashing an enraged storm cloud of bugs, but you disrespected Old Glory and the very concept of homework. That’s disgraceful. We’re going to have to expel you, Kevin. Maybe you’ll have better luck trying to be popular somewhere else.” Return to Checkpoint
The Onion: Biden Loses Control Of Butterfly Knife During Commencement Speech NEWS IN BRIEFMay 16, 2014 VOL 50 ISSUE 19 Politics · Politicians · Joseph Biden COLUMBIA, SC—Advising the 1,500 new graduates to “check out this shit,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly lost control of his rapidly twirling butterfly knife Saturday while delivering the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina. “Son of a bitch,” said Biden as the butterfly knife slipped from his grip, pinwheeled across the stage, and slid beneath the provost’s seat. “Sorry, everybody. That never happens. Man, I had it going awesome earlier, but I’m sweatin’ balls up here. Damn, that fucker’s sharp as hell.” Biden, who sources confirmed appeared to be slurping blood from a small wound on his hand, continued the commencement address by heavily quoting from the Whitesnake song “Slide It In.”
Everything went wrong for me when I punted that beehive at the American flag in class :/ My edgy and outlandish behavior had paid off up until that point
Just in case someone missed one of my favorite Clickhole articles The House From The Windows 95 Maze Screensaver Is Up For Sale Posted Jan. 22, 2015 Share Tweet Email Pin It Get out your checkbooks, ’90s kids, because the iconic house that the Windows 95 maze screensaver was based on is now officially on the market. This northwest Washington chateau has been owned by Ron Fletcher for 30 years, but he’s looking to downsize from this winding, windowless labyrinth—which means some lucky buyer is going to own an iconic piece of computer history! The sprawling home has over 12,000 square feet of floor space, although the actual area can change drastically each time you enter the house, as all the paper-thin brick walls instantly reset at random every time you run into one of the countless yellow, smiling orbs that adorn the home. Just like you remember! Ron Fletcher has even made a walkthrough video so potential buyers can get a sense of the space: “Everything from the screensaver is in this house,” said Fletcher. “There are those giant, frozen-in-time rats that will appear at random in the house. I don’t know where they come from, but they make the worst noises, like a car crash happening underwater. Also, utilities are low because a temperate, howling wind blows through this endless maze-house at all times, keeping it at a comfortable 65.” If you were the kid who couldn’t wait for the computer to idle long enough so you could enter the expansive world of the 3D maze screensaver, you will not be disappointed with this house. The limestone moldings are all original, and those black crystals that turn the entire maze completely upside down so you can walk on the ceiling? This house has ’em all! “My son is in there somewhere. Nine years ago he ran ahead of me, and I lost track of him somewhere in the brick maze,” said Fletcher. “I could hear his laughter, it always sounding like he was around the next corner, but I could never catch up to him. You can still hear his laughter echoing around the labyrinth. If you find my son, I want him back. I just want to see his face again..” “There is plenty of room for a breakfast nook,” added Fletcher. “Potentially thousands of breakfast nooks, as this maze has no limits as far as I can tell. Please take this home off my hands. I can no longer discern waking life from nightmare. I just want my old life back. I just want my son.” Are you going to be the next lucky owner of this treasured piece of ’90s culture? Better act fast, because this hot property won’t be around for long!
7 Of The World’s Deadliest Snakes Who Would Be No Match For My Lawn Mower Posted May 19, 2015 These poisonous ground-huggers don’t stand a chance against my beautiful baby John Deere. 1. Saw-Scaled Viper This African native may hold the record for more human deaths than all other species combined, but, truth be told, he would be absolutely obliterated under the titanium blades of my industrial-grade lawn tractor. 2. Black Mamba With enough venom in one bite to kill over 10 full-grown men, this deadly reptile is one you do not want to find yourself face-to-face with. That is, unless you’re sitting at the helm of my 500 lb. grass chopper, charging straight at him, full speed ahead. 3. Indian Cobra I’ve shredded literally hundreds of snakes just like this guy with my D155 while yelling “Die, rattler, die” over the loud, purring noise of a good V-twin engine. Even with his fully spread hood, the Indian cobra wouldn’t stand a chance. 4. Coral Snake This South American snake burrows underground, and if I ever saw him, I’d stick his tail straight into my grass hog’s mouth and suck him out of his hole like a strand of wet spaghetti. 5. Eastern Brown Snake Snake: 10 mg of venom. Five feet long. My Lawn Mower: 18” turning radius. Thirty-gallon grass-collection bag. It would be like dropping a nuclear bomb on an ant. 6. Neotropical Rattlesnake Please. If this thing so much as pointed his fangs at me, you know where he’d be? Mounted straight onto the wall of my garage next to—you guessed it—my beautiful baby lawn hog, rated Best in Class at snake killing four years in a row. 7. Barba Amarilla Two words, baby: Lifetime. Warranty.
So simple, so brilliant: Tapas Arriving Too Fast http://www.theonion.com/graphic/tapas-arriving-too-fast-50537
This is just the regular onion but it's fantastic Area Man Finally Works Up Courage To Sexually Harass Secretary NEWS August 25, 2006 VOL 42 ISSUE 35 · Local · Office · Sex · Bosses EASTTOWN, PA—After seven years of prolonged glances and unsatisfied desires, Scott Winters, assistant vice president for Basin Financial, threw caution to the wind Monday, finally declaring his feelings and intentions for secretary Anna Davis through a series of suggestive gestures, inappropriate remarks, and anatomically exaggerated drawings. Winters plans to approach Davis about eating out some time soon, if she knows what he means. "I cannot tell you what a relief it is to finally get this off my chest," said Winters, 53. "Every morning while I'd stare at her through the blinds in my office for an hour at a time, my pulse would race thinking of all the things I wanted to say to her about her tight blouse. But I could just never find the words." Winters, who had "never believed in lust at first sight," said he had nonetheless been infatuated with Davis, 32, since he first laid eyes on her cleavage soon after he hired her in 1999. So intense was Winters' fixation with Davis that over time it began to negatively affect his job performance. According to Winters, his inability to provide Davis with even the most brief description of his wife's oral-sex technique "seriously frustrated" him and made it difficult to focus on simple tasks. "So often I dreamed of giving her a lingering hug, or asking her if she likes using flavored condoms, but I always chickened out," Winters said. "Whenever I'd thought I'd gathered the courage to take out that black-on-black porno movie and put it on my desk before calling her into my office, my palms would get all sweaty, and I'd lose my nerve." After having nearly resigned himself to another seven years of unspoken requests for sexual favors, Winters seized an opportunity to express his feelings Monday morning, offering to help Davis "get to the important stuff" as she bent over a file cabinet. Later, as further proof of his commitment, Winters suggested that he and Davis discuss a possible promotion at his beach house over the weekend. "I felt like I was walking on air—it was better than any graphic scenario I could have imagined and then quietly described to Anna in great detail during a budget meeting," Winters said. "And I can't believe I'm going to be able to call her 'Teeny Tits' in front of the whole office at last," he added. Many of Winters' coworkers took notice of his new attitude and gallant groping style, with several expressing their congratulations to the newly confident and emboldened Winters. "Scott had always told me he thought Anna was a hot piece of tail," said Nathan Reynolds, senior financial advisor and Winters' long-time squash partner. "But he never had the gall to make the first unwelcome advance or leave that photocopy of his penis on her desk. So when I overheard him asking Anna if the carpet matches the drapes, you can imagine how excited I was for him—this looks like the beginning of a beautiful hostile work environment." According to Reynolds, Winters had delayed acting on his desires because of a bad experience with a former assistant that had taken a toll on his self-esteem. Reynolds declined to provide further information, saying he couldn't betray his friend's confidence or discuss pending litigation. While it took Winters several years to make the first move—due in part to his past failures and his current marriage—and tell Davis that thongs were, in fact, encouraged on casual Fridays, he seemed to be making up for lost time: By lunch he had already e-mailed his secretary a doctored image of her and Salma Hayek, slipped a copy of the Kama Sutra under her door, and offered to give her a gynecological exam "free of charge." "It's silly to think that I used to get so tongue-tied around someone who makes less than a third of my total salary and whom I could have fired at any time," Winters said. "I only wish it hadn't taken so long to find the perfect gesture to show her how aroused I always was." "Just think—if I had simply taken a chance and rubbed against her in the elevator several years ago, we could have been in the middle of a wonderful affair by now," he added. SHARE THIS STORY: NEXT STORY Jerry Lewis Telethon Loses Record Thirty Million Dollars How to Date Natalie DormerThe Scene Get Inspired With Jane SeymourKeep an Open Heart by Taboola Sponsored Links ONION VIDEO WATCH MORE The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks
Parents Clinging To Lone Religious Element Of Daughter’s Wedding Ceremony ROCHESTER, NY—After sitting through an outdoor ceremony officiated by the groom’s best friend, local parents Scott and Linda McNeil were clinging to the lone religious element of their daughter’s wedding, sources confirmed Saturday. “The vows they wrote for each other were nice, but the passage from Corinthians they used on the back of the wedding program was just beautiful,” said Linda McNeil, adding that she and her husband were both deeply touched by the inclusion of the biblical quote “Love still stands when all else has fallen,” which appeared beneath a verse from a Sarah McLachlan song. “I’ve always loved that passage, and it’s a part of the Scripture that really captures who they are.” McNeil then added that she knew the small image of a dove above the quote would have made her late mother very happy. http://www.theonion.com/article/parents-clinging-lone-religious-element-daughters--50507
Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza NEWS IN BRIEF May 27, 2015 Vol 51 Issue 21 Family · Parenting · Kids FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza. “I get excited whenever Mom is really quiet and her eyes get all red and puffy, because that usually means we’ll be getting pizza with whatever toppings we want,” said Paulo, 8, whose sister confirmed they can barely wait for the evenings when their pajama-clad mother simply calls in the order and hands them money to pay the delivery person before going up to bed for the rest of the night. “Sometimes, if she cries in front of us, not only do we get pizza, but we also get to stay up really late watching TV. Those nights are the best. One time, she even let us get cheesy bread and watch an R-rated movie.” At press time, the siblings were growing optimistic as their mother hadn’t moved from lying on the couch in over an hour. http://www.theonion.com/article/kids-love-when-mom-sad-enough-just-order-pizza-50515
New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In Wristbands allow festivalgoers to return to the empty field after a trip to the parking lot to retrieve more MDMA, mephedrone, 2-DPMP, Benzo Fury, Adderall, or synthetic cannabinoids. NEWSJune 3, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 22 Entertainment · Music · Drugs MOUNT STERLING, KY—Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in. Held on a farm in the foothills of eastern Kentucky, the festival, which continues through Friday and features no live performances of any kind, reportedly offers “something for every type of music lover,” specifically a fenced-off, 300-acre pasture in which to consume a broad array of mind-altering substances. “We thought it’d be awesome to host a festival that would attract people from all over the country who just want to kick back and ingest narcotics for 96 hours straight,” festival organizer Randy Felder said of the event that takes place on a barren expanse of land with no stages, sound equipment, lighting, art, or vendors. “Cavalcade is all about creating a venue where live music fans can come together, hang out, and do what they love most. Whether you want to toke up, huff, or take a few hits of E, we’ve got you covered.” “And you couldn’t ask for a better spot,” Felder added. “I mean, it rained pretty hard yesterday, but people didn’t let it bring them down. A lot of them didn’t even seem to notice.” Officials reported that while the festival grounds contain no tents or any other form of shelter against the elements, ticket holders nonetheless came out in droves to the vast, otherwise deserted meadow to enjoy a number of big-name drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, as well as a wide variety of less well-known substances and up-and-coming hallucinogens such as salvia, ayahuasca, ketamine, and several dozen improvised inhalants. While most attendees purchased all-inclusive four-day badges for $150, organizers told reporters they also sold $60 day passes to individuals whose schedules or budgets might not allow them to stay fucked up all weekend. “The way I figure, you gotta stay all four days, especially if you’re dropping a bunch of acid,” said Adam Steely, 24, who road-tripped 14 hours to Cavalcade with several friends whose names and whereabouts he could not recall. “It’s totally worth the price of admission. Things were kind of slow when we first got here—mostly just weed and some people doing whip-its—but things really got cranking once the Molly hit. I heard they’ve got Oxy over by the south entrance, so I’m definitely gonna check that out later.” “I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs,” Steely continued. “I crashed early last night, and I’m still kicking myself for not being there when the nitrous tanks came out.” According to Cavalcade organizers, with the support of corporate partners like Vitaminwater, Uber, and Tito’s Handmade Vodka, they’re able to offer a comprehensive festival experience, including a roped-off VIP section in the northwest corner of the field where festivalgoers who purchased $250 premium passes can sit in the shade if their heart rate gets too high or help themselves to complimentary vials of Narcan if they’re actively overdosing. “Everyone says Flakka is going to be the highlight of the festival, so I’m getting pretty pumped for that,” said attendee Meghan Young, 26, standing among a large group of festivalgoers who were dancing, whooping, and bobbing their heads on the east side of the grounds. “Everything’s been great so far. I met these really chill guys from Austin, and we all just sat around and stared at this tree stump for, like, hours and hours. It was the most amazing experience. Plus, I’ve seen some really great musicians today.” “I still can’t believe Lil Wayne is here,” she added. “He’s been at it for almost 12 hours straight.”
Find Out What Anderson Cooper, Christopher Nolan, And Sigourney Weaver Have To Say Posted May 18, 2015 Share Tweet Email Pin It Ever wonder what’s on the mind of today’s most notable people? Well, don’t miss our unbelievable roundup of the best and most talked about quotes of the day: “Graduation is a big deal—bigger than getting a hole-in-one while golfing. People might think you’re lying about the hole-in-one, but when you graduate, you get a diploma.” —Anderson Cooper Commencement address to the NYU Class of 2015 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and then
6 Gazebos Forever Sullied By The Blow Jobs That Transpired Therein 1. This excellent gazebo, hewn of wood and pure of form, seems to stand idyllic—a perfect garden monument. Ah, but its fair geometry belies the fatal secret: Not two weeks ago, a blow job took place within the august structure. Alas, I saw it with my own eyes. 2. Who would lay this great gazebo low? Who could behold its latticework, its parapets and garlands, and still see fit to debase such a fine gazebo with blow job after blow job? I will tell you: It was the vile teens. 3. They defiled this one too. A pair of them stole in there by night and deflowered it as I looked on, aghast. Once a proud pavilion, now but a stage for fellatio. 4. Here is yet another gazebo corrupted by the selfsame act I have hitherto described. Of course, I speak once more of the wretched blow job! Aye, ’twas mouth sex that destroyed a paragon of gazebal beauty. 5. I still tremble to recall the harrowing blow job sounds that issued from this gazebo yesternight. The vile teens, keening, ceaseless. Nothing can redeem this gazebo now. The blow job cannot be undone. The gazebo’s very foundation reeks of its memory. 6. Seasons change, the senseless sphere revolves, and gazebos fall from grace. Youth is cruel; of this there can be no doubt. Depraved, plague-like, heedless of the past—thus the vile teens claim their victims. Thus they commit their horrid blow jobs. Tell me, can a gazebo recover from such atrocity? No, no. Better were it destroyed. Better were it smashed, its wreckage burned, its ashes cast into a distant sea.
First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday. Friends of the late Brian Hodge gather in quiet remembrance. "Spirits were definitely low," said Catherine Davis, who claimed that Hodge's accidental drowning was almost as unexpected as the time Scott Warner reached climax inside her mouth. "We were clearly all hurting on the inside. Especially Marissa, who got double-teamed right from the start." The orgy, which was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, began shortly before midnight when a number of somber participants halfheartedly undressed and arranged one another in a melancholy daisy chain on the floor. "I tried acting like nothing had changed, like this was just another four-hour marathon of raucous, uninterrupted intercourse," orgy attendee Jeremy Bowman said. "But every time I looked down at those plastic sheets, or at that stack of anal beads on the kitchen table, or even into Stephanie [Winter]'s gaping vulva, all I could think about was Brian." Hodge's passing reportedly had a severe effect on all of the swingers and fetishists, many of whom admitted to simply going through the motions of straddling their partners and pumping their fists into each other's anuses. "We all just sat there at first, with Sabrina on top of Rob, and Craig and Dorothy sort of taking turns between Phillip's thighs," said Doug Wiviott, who claimed he felt "completely numb" long before applying stamina cream to his genitals. "It was like there was this big hole now—one none of us could fill." Feelings of sorrow and grief reportedly had an impact on the sexual appetite of the normally insatiable participants, many of whom could "barely manage" to fit more than three or four cocks in their grieving oral cavities at once. "Nobody knew Brian like we did—not his parents, not his brother, not even his wife," fuck-fiend Rebecca Baker said. "After all, Brian was more than just a guy who sometimes strapped on a jelly dong and did you from the side. He was also a guy who sometimes squeezed your breasts so hard you thought you were going to explode." In addition to sparking hushed disputes over whether using a double-headed dildo was in poor taste, and discouraging numerous attendees from engaging in double penetration out of respect, Hodge's sudden death left many feeling confused. "I know this is going to sound weird, but there were times during the orgy when I half-expected Brian to sneak up behind me and stick a finger in my ass again," friend Robert Luchs said. "I guess you never realize how much you'll miss someone until you have to manually stimulate your own prostate." While the pained expressions on the faces of those getting drilled reportedly said it all, some participants came away from the orgy with a more positive outlook on life. "Sure, it was sad, but I'll always have fond memories of Brian to look back on," sadomasochist Dale Kingsley said. "That and the approximately 300 hours of videotaped footage I've amassed of him over the years." Orgy organizer Kyle Brossard, whom some accused of being "insensitive" and "a nymphomaniac," had initially considered canceling Monday's sexual free-for-all. Ultimately, Broward decided it was more important to be among friends and find some much-needed solace in the arms, legs, mouth, taint, and bodily cavities of loved ones. "I know that if Brian were still alive today, he would have wanted us to finger-cuff Christine seven ways from Sunday," Brossard said. "That's just the way he was." Added Brossard: "I'm so happy we all had the chance to come together like this."
why are they writing about me Guy's Entire Job Just Asking People If They Have Time For A Quick Chat NEWS IN BRIEFMarch 7, 2013 VOL 49 ISSUE 10 News · Local BLAWNOX, PA—According to employees at Honeycutt-Talbot Communications, Associate Manager Ross Urbansky’s sole professional responsibility appears to be walking around the office and periodically asking employees if they have a minute or two for a quick chat. “Essentially the only task I’ve ever seen Ross execute as an employee of this company is to pop by someone’s desk, ask them how they’re doing, and then say he’s wondering if they have a second to sit down later for a real quick check-in,” said human resources director Justine Griggs, adding that she sees Urbansky perform this specific function at least two or three times in the course of every workday. “I literally have never seen him do anything else. He must just be having quick chats with people all day, although I’ve never actually seen himhaving a quick chat, only asking people if they have time for one. And the thing is, I’m pretty sure the guy makes over six figures.” At press time, Urbansky was wondering if account manager Jeff Powell maybe had time around 3 p.m. or so for a quick chat.
This Is Probably Not Going To Win Us Any Goodwill, But We Asked 22 Ice Cream Truck Drivers To Tell Us About The Fattest Kids They Ever Served Posted Today Via tulipfrenzy.com Share Tweet Email Pin It Look, we know we’re probably not going to win any awards with this one, but here goes. Via SWNS.com 3. Brian Simkin – “He was a good 250 pounds, probably 11 or 12 years old.” Via dailynews.com 5. David Valdez – “Well, there’s this massive tanker of a boy who sometimes stops me down by the school over there. I mean, he’s really something special—literally about as wide as a loveseat, and it’s all just shapeless dough. Absolutely no sign of a skeleton. It’s mind-boggling how huge he is.” Again, we know this isn’t gonna get on any “Best Of” lists, but, you know, we put it up on our site. 6. Adam Vannella – “There have been some pretty big ones, but there’s not one in particular that sticks out in my memory.” 8. Paul Konig – “I used to park on the street right outside this big public pool, and when the kids heard my truck, of course they’d all run out of the water to come get ice cream. To exit the pool area, they had to go through this turnstile, and there was this one kid who was so fat that he would literally have to turn sideways to squeeze through the turnstile. All the other kids sprinted right through, but he’d have to turn sideways and sort of inch his way through, and six or seven kids would be queued up behind him by the time he made it. It was like watching a cruise ship trying to wedge its way down a canal while a cluster of speedboats were stuck behind it. You just had to shake your head and laugh.” 9. Faisal Kenagzai – “Jonah Weaver.” Via SWNS.com 10. Danny Benz – “He had a mouth like a Ninja Turtle’s, where it was basically a wide slit across his face he could just prop wide open and then toss ice cream sandwiches down the hole. Boy, could he ever eat!” 13. Randy Stergar – “Oh, man, I wish you could’ve seen this kid. Just an absolute unit. Swollen ankles, arms like blimps, stacks and stacks of fat all up his waist—you’d have to buy him two seats on an airplane, no question. He’d always come up to my truck in the same red tank top with the fabric sucked up underneath his titties and the same white high-tops with the rubber worn out all uneven on the bottoms. I’d ask him what he wanted and he’d always give me this blank, cow-eyed stare for a few seconds that would just piss the hell out of me, as if he couldn’t process the question through all the chicken skin clogging up his brain. And then, when he’d finally order, I’d literally have to grab a pen and a notepad to keep track of it all. You think I’m kidding, but I’m not. I distinctly remember him breaking $50 bills on more than one occasion. So then I’d go back to fill up a wheelbarrow with Choco Tacos or whatever and—I shit you not—I’d be able to hear his breathing over my truck’s loudspeaker. And I always had that music blaring. Like, you could probably hear ‘Do Your Ears Hang Low’ from a mile away. Honestly, it was depressing as hell. His lungs were working so damn hard and still coming up with jack shit. I actually haven’t seen him in a while, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he died. Or maybe his mom took him on Maury or something and they put him on a diet program. It’s all just really sad. He’ll probably never find love, never be healthy enough to work a real job. I mean, what could he do? Plug a geyser? It’s just a bad situation all around. Anyway, he was definitely the fattest kid I ever encountered.” 15. Sam Henley – “I mean, I don’t want to judge, but there are a couple of kids who come to mind. There’s this one we call She-Beefer—I’d rather not say anything else, but ask any other ice cream man in the area and I’m sure they’ll tell you all about her.” 17. Jacob Boyd – “There are certainly a bunch of fat ones, but none stand out in my head as being especially obese.” 18. Jaroslav Martinak – “There’s this one in particular who is really, really fat. Bigger than some clouds.” 19. Bernard Cook – “His name was Henry, and he would buy two Snickers ice cream bars and one Lemon Chill every single day, no matter what. I remember one time he told me that he buys the Lemon Chill because he thinks it’s important to have a ‘healthy option.’ Honest to God, he really said ‘healthy option.’ He thought it was like a fucking side salad.” 21. Erik Pinter – “Ah, Christ, that’s hard. There’s a lot to choose from. I guess there were these two brothers I used to see who’d just be lurking outside every day until I came around. I’d be driving and I’d see these two little tubby heads pop up from behind a bush and then disappear. Moments later, I’d see the same two fat faces pop up from behind a different bush 50 feet closer. I’d keep my eyes fixed on the bush, waiting for them to pop up again, when all of a sudden I’d hear their little padded palms slamming furiously against the side of my truck, both of them shrieking like baboons with their eyes rolled back in their heads. I’d open my window to take their order, and they’d just whip rolls of dimes at my head while yelling the kinds of ice cream they wanted. It scared the hell out of me, so I’d just chuck an entire box of sundae cones at them and peel away. Then I’d see them in the rearview frantically stuffing the ice cream down their shirts, and they’d link their arms together and somersault down this big hill before vanishing into the woods. It was nuts.” 22. Nathan McLean – “He probably weighed 300 pounds or so. He liked eating the Sonic the Hedgehog bars.”
Some great book titles How Many Of These Presidential Memoirs Have You Read? http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/how-m...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook
20 Times Pope Francis Won Us Over Posted Jan. 6, 2015 Share Tweet Email In his nearly two years as supreme pontiff, Pope Francis has won our hearts countless times. Here are 20 of our fave moments from our fave pope. The time he yelled “Go away!” at a painting of Satan. The time he touched up the frescos in the Sistine Chapel so that all the saints are holding iPads. The time he rode around in a motorcycle sidecar passing out Rolos to people. The time he didn’t refute the rumor that there was a cyclops buried beneath St. Peter’s Basilica but just winked instead. The time he tripped walking into St. Peter’s Basilica and all kinds of snacks spilled out of his holy vestments. The time he said that if you’ve been slimed by Nickelodeon, you’ve technically been baptized. The time he juggled four balls, but in private so as not to appear boastful. The time he temporarily lost his divine powers during an eclipse and had to save the Catholic faith with just his wits alone. The time he got the Macklemore haircut as a joke. The time he blew a kiss toward the sky and 30 angels exploded from the clouds trying to retrieve it. The time he briefly pretended his scepter was a double-sided lightsaber. The time he opened a sermon by saying, “Jim Henson, wherever you are right now, this one’s for you.” The time it rained in Rome and he went on the Weather Channel and said God was crying because he was so proud of everyone. The time he led the Vatican Basketball League in assists. The time he won third place in the New Yorker caption contest for the caption “I’ll take it to go.” The time he announced that Monster cables aren’t any better than the cheap kind and that Guitar Center sales associates need to stop telling people otherwise. The time he said mass in character as JFK. The time he pointed at two men kissing and said, “Sure!” The time he hugged a little dipshit. The time he said all motorbikes go to heaven.
Father’s Day Is Always Bittersweet For Me Because It’s Also The Birthday Of The Bear That Ate My Father Greg Gary Blogger Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It Father’s Day is a chance to reflect on the importance of fatherhood in our world. To those like me whose dads have passed away, it should also be a quiet time for remembering our fathers and all they did for us. Still, as fond as my memories of my dad are, my thoughts each year on Father’s Day are invariably tinged with pain, since it also happens to be the birthday of the bear that killed and ate my late father. Although Father’s Day is still a beautiful occasion for me, and although I still cherish it as a time to feel close to my late father, it comes annually as a reminder of the bear that mauled my helpless dad at our campsite and was coincidentally born on the very day we dedicate to fatherhood. Every year on this day, my many good feelings about my father are inextricably mixed with anger at the bear. Ever since I watched my father die in that forest clearing inside the bear’s mouth, I can’t even think of Father’s Day without being instantly reminded of the bear that ate my father, and of the fact that this bear celebrates its birthday every year on Father’s Day. It makes me boil with rage. I hate that bear. I hate knowing that Father’s Day is a special day for it—a day of joy and revelry. I can’t even think of Father’s Day without being instantly reminded of the bear that ate my father, and of the fact that this bear celebrates its birthday every year on Father’s Day. I know I ought to focus on the good times I shared with my dad, rather than on the reality that Father’s Day is his killer’s birthday. But I can’t help it. Every time I remember that the bear is out in the world, celebrating its continued life, I want to ask why. Why can the murderer live while the victim’s family mourns? My dad deserved better. He deserved to see many more birthdays for many more years to come. But each Father’s Day, it’s that horrible bear that notches another full trip ’round the sun, not my father. It’s not fair. I’m trying to heal. I’m really trying. But this Father’s Day was as difficult as last Father’s Day, and the Father’s Day before that. I suspect that when this holiday comes around next year, my feelings about it will be as complicated as ever. Somewhere, that bear is having a birthday party. All I ask is compassion and understanding as I try to forget how happy it must be at this moment.
South Carolina Refuses To Remove Confederate Flag From Capitol Trailer NEWS IN BRIEFJune 22, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 25 News · Government ·Race COLUMBIA, SC—Shooing away protesters from the brown, debris-covered lawn, state lawmakers reportedly refused Monday to remove the Confederate flag from South Carolina’s Capitol Trailer. “Go on, git!” said shirtless South Carolina state representative Jeff Duncan, who sources confirmed tossed an empty 40-ounce bottle of Colt 45 at a group of demonstrators while reclining in a battered, dirt-caked plastic kiddie pool. “Y’all quit messing with our capitol trailer. You ain’t never gonna see this flag come down, you hear? Now, get on outta here unless you wanna get real well acquainted with my shotgun.” At press time, a two-thirds majority of South Carolina state legislators had reportedly passed out amongst the rusted washing machine and a sink on the grass in front of the state’s double-wide trailer.
Man Stabbed in Face During Argument Over Whether College Is Worth It Spoiler Plot twist: it's an actual article from Chronicle of Higher Ed:http://chronicle.com/blogs/ticker/m...-it/101003?cid=pm&utm_source=pm&utm_medium=en But the headline made me laugh so I posted it
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20 Unbelievable Facts About Outer Space Posted yesterday Prepare to have your mind blown. 1. Comets are the only celestial bodies that have sex for pleasure. 2. The universe is so big that if you dropped a bowling ball in space, it would take billions of years to reach the bottom. 3. More than 1,300 Earths could fit in Jupiter, and it already has 800 Earths inside it right now. 4. This is what a star looks like when it dies: 5. Using stars as monkey bars is God’s primary means of travel. 6. The sun can go more than four hours at a time without blinking. 7. If you were to hurl a car into orbit, the moon would devour it within seconds. 8. Pluto is so cold that the frozen hamburgers NASA sent there are still good to eat. 9. It is illegal to kiss in space. 10. This is what it looks like when matter gets sucked into a black hole: Via imgur 11. If the universe was the exact size of Penelope Cruz, our sun would be the mole on her left calf. 12. There are three types of stars: Pleasant Roundies, Small Idiots, and Moroccans. 13. Outer space was considered a planet until 1999, when it was reclassified as what is between planets. 14. You could beat up a goat in space and no one would be able to arrest you. 15. This stunning infrared image shows exactly how the sun generates heat and light: Via imgur 16. In 1626, Galileo discovered a planet shaped exactly like his own head, and it made him insane. 17. The process by which the sun murders the other stars works the same way as photosynthesis. 18. A light year is actually a measure of distance, not time, because there are no fucking rules in outer space. 19. The value of the universe is $45,872,594,113.82! 20. While the sight of Earth from space is said to be mesmerizing, all astronauts have confirmed that it is not more beautiful than staring at Bruce: Via ffffound.com
6 Daily Struggles Everyone With Allergies Will Understand Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It The weather may be warmer, but you sure aren’t happier. 1. Watching all your doctors fight over the right to stab you with an EpiPen. via homeschoolersanonymous.wordpress.com 2. Sitting at the “no pollen” table at school with the other kids who couldn’t eat pollen. via giphy.com 3. Being forced to leave your significant other because their home is also the palace of Ailuro, The Cat Whose Head Is A Flower. via gifbay.com 4. The difficulties of trying to find a hypoallergenic apartment that is close to work but also in a desert. via leftphalange.tumblr.com 5. At least twice a day, you sneeze so hard that the force of your sneeze propels your office rolling chair at a high speed down a long linoleum hallway and smashes you into a wall, catapulting your body through an open window and sending you flying through the air until you land in a trough of pig slop on the back of a farmer’s jouncing wagon, where the pigs lick you like you’re one of their own. via turntrekgodhead.tumblr.com 6. The heartbreak of your father disowning you when you tell him that horses make you sneeze.