The OnionVerified account@TheOnion Hand Gestures Transform Friend’s Story Into Immersive Virtual Reality Experience http://onion.com/1MfaUeH
Anyone Who Says There’s No God But Allah Has Never Met My Dad Matthew Holzhauer Blogger Share Tweet Email Pin It People like to talk about how great Allah is, how he’s this omnipotent creator of the universe who sees and knows all. Well, they may be right about that, but I still think there are some folks who take it a bridge too far. If you honestly think the only God is Allah, you’ve clearly never met my dad. Look, I can understand why people love Allah, and I’m not trying to say they’re wrong to worship him and celebrate him. It’s just that when these people go mouthing off about how Allah is the only God and there’s no deity but Allah, it’s like, hello, aren’t you forgetting about someone? Man by the name of Eric, lives in central Iowa, always there when you need good, sound advice? Ringing any bells? Everyone who knows my dad can tell you what an amazing guy he is. If you ever had a meal with my dad, you’d understand—he just knows how to have a good time. Also, he tells these hilarious stories. Even if Allah is as good as everyone seems to think he is, I’d still bet my dad gives him a run for his money. I also feel like people who believe in this single all-powerful God don’t understand how strong my dad is. He’s lifted all kinds of stuff. He lifted our couch—the big leather one. Say what you want about Allah, but has he ever lifted a couch that size? On top of that, my dad can talk baseball with the best of them. I don’t really know if anyone has spent time talking baseball with Allah, but my dad can often tell you someone’s batting average without having to look it up! If you haven’t, you should definitely go to a game with him sometime. It’s a blast. So, yeah. I know a lot of people think Allah is the only God, game over, end of story, but I really believe that they should meet my dad before making that call. Spend an afternoon with him, and then come back and tell me you already knew who the “one true God” is. You won’t regret it.
Taking A Stand: Dunkin’ Donuts Has Just Announced That It Will Perform One Abortion When it comes to women’s reproductive rights, battle lines have been drawn. With the controversy surrounding funding for Planned Parenthood reaching the forefront of the national dialogue, many companies have decided that remaining silent is no longer an option. That’s why, this week, Dunkin’ Donuts sent a clear message by announcing that it will be performing one abortion. Message received! “We feel strongly about women’s health and want to stand in solidarity with the millions of women across the country who deserve the right to choose,” said a press release from the donut and coffee shop chain. “That’s why we’re giving one Dunkin’ Donuts customer a complimentary abortion, which will be performed by a licensed physician in one of our more than 8,000 U.S. locations.” “We’ll be taking all measures to ensure the environment will be sterile and completely safe for the procedure,” the statement continued. “In addition, the patient will receive a free egg and cheese sandwich and a medium coffee.” Wow! Talk about a powerful statement. The move has already struck a chord with many internet users: How do you feel about this game-changer from Dunkin’ Donuts? Use #DunkinAbortion and weigh in with your thoughts!
9 Bob Dylan Lyrics That Prove Rock And Roll Can Be Poetry Posted yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It Bob Dylan’s thoughtful, incisive, and often challenging lyrics elevated rock and roll to a whole new level. Here are some classic Dylan lyrics that are basically poetry. 1. From “It’s The 60s” 2. From “Won’t You” 3. From “Marsden County” 4. From “The Ballad Of Goosey Green” 5. From “Stuff’s Happening” 6. From “Voting Booth Blues” 7. From “Confession” 8. From “Little Baby In A Big Business Suit” 9. From “Pearl Harbor Blues”
Please, No One Come Trick-Or-Treating To My House This Year, For I Will Be Masturbating To Pornography Mike Spiro Blogger Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It Every year, October 31 marks the day that children around the country go door-to-door trick-or-treating. It’s a fun tradition that encourages not just large amounts of candy consumption, but also creativity. Unfortunately, this year I will be unable to participate in these trick-or-treat festivities, for I will be spending Halloween inside my home masturbating to pornography. I want it to be known that my home on Winchester Ave., in South Beloit, IL, will be off-limits to trick-or-treaters this year because I will be watching pornographic videos and amusing myself. Signage on all entrances to my house will make it clear that under no circumstances will I remove my hand from my penis to answer the door. Great care has been taken to ensure that I am free from interruption while I masturbate. There shall be a bag of Twizzlers hanging from my fence, and from this bag you may select a strawberry twist. If there is no more candy left, do not knock on my door, because, again, I will be inside masturbating to pornography, possibly with headphones on. I have the entire evening blocked off for numerous rounds of masturbation... Passersby may note that my house is darkened throughout the night. This is not an effort to make my home appear spooky or scary, but rather an indication that I am in my small bedroom enjoying a wide assortment of adult films of varied styles and formats. I have the entire evening blocked off for numerous rounds of masturbation, so it doesn’t matter how early or late you arrive. Again, to be clear: Do not come to my door on Halloween. All of the candy I have is hanging on the fence. Help yourself to the Twizzler of your choice. I will be masturbating to pornography. As a minor additional note, some people may notice that I am dressed as Marvel’s Thor character wielding a large plastic hammer. Do not take this to mean that I am available for tricks or treats. This is simply how I masturbate. I hope my instructions are clear. I wish you all a very happy and very safe Halloween.
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/i...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook I Am Ready To Kill More Birds Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger Retired airline pilot Posted Today On January 15, 2009, my life changed forever. As you may recall, I was forced to make an emergency landing in the Hudson River after the commercial aircraft I was flying struck and killed a flock of geese. Amazingly, all 155 passengers survived the water landing, and in the months that followed, I was widely hailed as a hero. But things have quieted down since then, and at 64 years of age, I feel compelled to make the most of the time I have. With that being said, I would like to announce that I am now ready to kill more birds. It doesn’t really matter what kind of birds. Big birds, little birds, geese, pigeons—as long as it’s got wings and a beak, I am interested in killing it. Ideally, I’d kill birds in the sky again, as it’s more gratifying to slay them in their own domain. But I also wouldn’t mind killing birds on the ground. Anything is fine. Last time I killed birds, I was given prestigious awards and medals. I got to meet the president. I was a guest on late-night talk shows. Will these things happen again? I can’t be certain, but I’m fairly confident they will. Either way, my plan is simple: A) kill large birds, and B) kill many of them at once. I very much so enjoyed doing this, and now I will do it again. Big birds, little birds, geese, pigeons—as long as it’s got wings and a beak, I am interested in killing it. Here are some of the ideas for killing birds that I’ve entertained: Killing an owl with a gun in the dark of night. Killing a legion of gulls with the aid of gasoline. Killing an even larger flock of geese with an even larger aircraft. Killing a pelican with my bare hands. Leaping tandem from a plane with a skydiving instructor and vanquishing an eagle with a sword while the instructor takes a video. Any of these scenarios would please me greatly. However, the bird I would probably like to kill most is a turkey, as it is the largest bird—the king, some might say—and I could save its body to eat with my family on Thanksgiving. The turkey is a delicious bird and is just begging to be killed by Ol’ Sully Sullenberger. In conclusion, it is time for me to kill more birds. Hopefully, I won’t crash an airplane into a river this time, but I can’t make any promises. The birds will meet their maker. I am going to kill them.
Murder, Cheat, And Fuck Your Way Through Boston http://www.clickhole.com/clickventure/murder-cheat-and-fuck-your-way-through-boston-3405#2,
Relationship Experts Recommend Single Women Try Bathing In Open Stream Until Suitor Glimpses Them Through Trees NEWS IN BRIEFNovember 13, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 45 Dating · Relationships ·Lifestyle NEW YORK—Saying the strategy was certain to attract the most eligible men of the highest repute, relationship experts recommended Friday that single women frustrated with their current romantic options try bathing in an open stream until the ideal suitor glimpses them through the trees. “Finding a suitable partner can be very difficult for women, but we’ve learned that one of the easiest and most effective ways to attract that special someone is to put on a thin white cambric bathing gown, wade into a sylvan brook, and begin washing your body and running your hands through your long, silken hair while humming softly to yourself,” said professional dating coach Priscilla Adams, adding that women should choose a location with a small waterfall cascading lightly into a natural bathing pool, where a man out riding his horse or returning from a distant war might catch sight of them from the stream’s wooded banks. “After several minutes of bathing, you should see a mysterious, rugged presence fixing his steely gaze upon you, at which time we advise that you hurriedly wrap yourself in a woven blanket and call out ‘Who’s there?’ before being reassured by his kind face and inviting physique. This tactic is almost guaranteed to result in a satisfying romantic experience.” Adams added that if an immediate connection isn’t felt, women could also try putting on their most billowy dress and waiting on the edge of a windswept cliff at sunset.
Heavy Lies The Crown: This 10-Year-Old Was Just Entrusted With His Own Hotel Room Key Posted Yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It Before today, Taylor Mannello was just an average 10-year-old on vacation with his family. His concerns were minor, his responsibilities limited. But when Taylor and his family checked into the Best Western in Santa Barbara, CA this morning, something happened that would change his life forever: Taylor was entrusted with his own hotel room key. Wow. A fifth-grader with his own room key. Is that even legal? Turns out it is. And the implications are staggering. Taylor is now free to journey outside his family’s hotel room whenever he wants to, entirely on his own. As long as he tells his parents where he’s going and doesn’t stay out too long, the 10-year-old can pretty much go wherever he wants in the hotel. That includes the elevator, the business center, the weight room, and even the pool. That means that, technically, he could just feel like going down to the jacuzzi and then actually just go down to the jacuzzi. And he’s not even in middle school yet. Incredible. But if you think Taylor’s taking his new responsibility lightly, you’re dead wrong. Since the moment his father handed him the room key, a smooth plastic rectangle that kind of looks like a credit card, he has kept it in the zipper pocket of his cargo shorts. The elementary-schooler is keenly aware of the fact that if he loses this one, he’s not getting a new one. There’s a reason that his younger sister, Katy, was not given a room key. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. So far, the power of the room key doesn’t appear to have gone to Taylor’s head. At least, he hasn’t yet betrayed his parents’ trust by doing something crazy like sneaking into the hallway at night to play with the ice machine. But there are still three more days before checkout, and the temptation is there. Good luck, Taylor. You’re going to need it.
SeaWorld Employees Place Orcas In Plastic Bags Of Water While Cleaning Tanks NEWS IN PHOTOS November 10, 2015
Old but didn't see it in here 5 Ways ISIS Can Reduce Its Carbon Footprint Posted Sept. 22, 2014 Via Skynews.com.au Share Tweet Email Pin It As ISIS continues to expand its operations in the Middle East, it is more urgent than ever for this group to enact sustainable policies that will have the least impact on our environment. Here are some expert tips to help the Islamic State go green! 1. Purchase carbon offsets Via CNN Driving one standard truck from Mosul to Tikrit releases more than 225 pounds of CO2 into the atmosphere. Using a carbon offset company like carbonfund.org can make those resupplying runs carbon neutral. 2. Reduce number of security checkpoints Via Blogs.ft.com Requiring cars to stop at a military checkpoint leads to fuel inefficiency and idling engines, especially if an ISIS agent has to search the vehicle. Limiting checkpoints to one every 20 miles provides similar security with significantly lower emissions! 3. Avoid setting oil wells on fire Via Ibtimes.co.uk ISIS recently made headlines by setting three oil wells on fire in northern Iraq. When fossil fuels burn, they release high concentrations of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere—a major cause of climate change. If ISIS hopes to reduce its carbon footprint, it should refrain from igniting any more oil wells going forward. 4. Eat locally Via Iraq-businessnews.com Instead of wasting fuel to transport food, it would be more efficient—and delicious!—for ISIS militants to stick to the local fare of each new city they conquer. 5. Take public transportation Via Mawtani.al-shorfa.com ISIS can say goodbye to the hassles of parking and getting stuck in traffic if militants choose to travel by train or bus instead of driving gas-guzzlers like tanks and cars. What’s more, they’d be helping all of us say goodbye to climate change.
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/w...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook While I Find ISIS Despicable In Every Other Way, I Strongly Identify With Its Love Of Pickup Trucks Kurt Gelt Blogger Via truthandaction.org Share Tweet Email Pin It In an already war-torn, destabilized region with hundreds of thousands of refugees, ISIS has used lawlessness and violence to further its sickening extremist aims. It is a despicable organization that needs to be dealt with using unequivocal force, although, if I’m being honest, I strongly identify with its evident love of pickup trucks. Don’t get me wrong. I am deeply appalled by ISIS’ horrific spree of terror and bloodshed in the Middle East and its complete disregard for human life, but its affinity for pickup trucks is apparent, and that’s something I’d love to pick its members’ brains about. Sure, I’d condemn all supporters of ISIS if given the chance, but I’d also have questions for them, like, “Do you have to lower your suspension to make sure you don’t spin out?” In a different life, these Islamic jihadist guys wouldn’t be insane, homicidal terrorists, but would just be peaceful truck-lovers like me, spending most of their days in garages tinkering with their timing belts or towel-drying their carburetors. Alas, it cannot be, and I hate these monsters with whom I probably have quite a bit of common ground, truck-wise. I just bought a 2014 Dodge Durango, and I love it. ISIS has recruited troubled young men from all over the world, and we need to be taking steps to prevent this migration. These men need to know that there is no glory in joining up with brutal ISIS killers. And if they are joining just to floor a Nissan Frontier across a desert ridge, we need to inform them that this can be accomplished in many different locations other than the violence-ravaged Middle East. It’s hard to imagine how truly terrifying it would be to be taken hostage by ISIS. But, if that unthinkable thing were to happen to me, I’m fairly certain I could at least take a look under the hoods of its fleet of pickup trucks and offer some suggestions that have helped me keep my own trucks running clean. I imagine these guys take pretty good care of their trucks, considering the harsh climate, but I’m sure I can still offer a few nuggets given my long history with trucks. So, my message to ISIS is this: Stop your deplorable, unconscionable acts of hate and cruelty so that we can talk about trucks. Please. I really want to talk about trucks with someone
Above And Beyond: Obama Spent His Entire Morning Fishing Drowned Tourists Out Of The Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Posted Nov. 23, 2015 Share Tweet Email Pin It It looks like President Obama has really outdone himself this time. The president showed some real leadership this morning when he took time out of his busy schedule to roll up his sleeves and fish drowned tourists out of the reflecting pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Nice! Spectators got a peek at the president methodically combing the bottom of the reflecting pool with a fishing net for two full hours. In between his responsibilities as a leader and a father, he still managed to take the time to stack all of the bodies along the side of the reflecting pool for the National Park Service to pick up. And all of this before noon! No matter which side of the aisle you’re on, you have to admit the president did a good job. This wasn’t just about a photo op—he got in there and made sure he found every last one. By the time he was done, he had a nice, tidy stack of 23 bodies, along with a separate pile of cameras and electronics to be donated to local schools. Nice work, Mr. President! Obama certainly didn’t have to do this to prove he’s a great president, but we’re glad he did. This is one president who’s ready to do whatever it takes to get the job done! Politicians take note: This is what real leadership looks like.
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/i...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook I Was Never Able To Accept My Son’s Autism Until I Monetized It Through Blogging Margot Jollenston Mother, blogger Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It When my 11-year-old son, Taylor, was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder in 2011, I didn’t want to believe it. I became overwhelmed at the thought of raising an autistic child, and I had trouble facing reality. But over time, I learned to cope with my son’s diagnosis, and I was eventually able to come to terms with his autism after I monetized it through blogging. Accepting Taylor’s autism was a long and emotionally draining process. I remember the early days when teachers didn’t know how to handle his behavior in the classroom, and when I started my blog, “Raising Taylor,” shortly after his seventh birthday. It was difficult. It was hard. But eventually, when advertisers started reaching out to me about purchasing space on my WordPress, I was gradually able to accept Taylor’s condition. With every passing month, I learned to stop seeing Taylor’s autism as a “disorder,” but rather as a source of pageviews and millions of unique monthly visitors. I learned to stop seeing my son as “disabled,” but rather as a source of untapped ad revenue. And with a potential advertising deal with Autism Speaks in the works, I couldn’t love him more. Over time, I connected with a wonderful support network of other like-minded parents in the blogging community. They not only provided me with great parenting advice, but with cross-promotional opportunities for my blog as well. I honestly never thought I’d get to this point. But in that moment when my post, “Saying ‘I Love You’ When You’re Nonverbal” raked in over $3,000 in ad revenue alone, on top of the $1,500 a month I was already making from brand-specific promotional deals, I knew just how lucky I was to be Taylor’s mom. And with a potential advertising deal with Autism Speaks in the works, I couldn’t love him more. This isn’t to say that things are perfect now. For instance, Taylor still resists my affection on occasion, and going over blog analytics has been difficult without a formal business education. But these are issues I believe I keep getting better at handling each and every day. It’s been a long, emotional road to get where I am, but it’s been worth it. For all you parents out there raising an autistic child, I know it’s tough. But when you start monetizing your blog like I did, you’ll realize just how special your child really is.
Awesome: When A Little Girl Told Neil DeGrasse Tyson She Wanted To Live On Jupiter, He Completely Shut Her Down Posted yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It Get ready for the most incredible science win ever, delivered by none other than Neil deGrasse Tyson. He’s pretty much the king when it comes to shutting down people who peddle bad science, but this most recent case completely takes the cake: When an 8-year-old told the badass astrophysicist that she wanted to live on Jupiter, he completely shut her down using science. Amazing! How many times can Neil deGrasse Tyson win the internet? The epic science burn happened toward the end of one of Neil’s lectures at the Hayden Planetarium in New York last weekend. Third-grader Liza Collins was attending the lecture with her parents, and during the Q&A session, she raised her hand and told Neil that she wanted to live on Jupiter. But Neil wasn’t about to let her—and her bunk science—off the hook. What happened next was nothing short of pure NdT gold. “Hold on, you want to live where?” Tyson said. “On a planet made entirely of unbreathable gases? One that doesn’t even have a rocky surface you could stand on? A planet that would take you six years to even get to? That’s where you want to live? Because that’s Jupiter. Enjoy your great new home!” Needless to say, the girl had ZERO response! And of course, Neil didn’t let it end there. After the event, the Cosmos host took to Twitter to really show Liza what’s what. Awesome. Science FTW! First it was climate change skeptics, then it was the shaky physics behind Gravity and Interstellar, and now it’s 8-year-old Liza Collins—they all prove that Neil deGrasse Tyson and science are literally the greatest things of all time. Keep doing you, Neil!
"I don't know, I would have to see the sale figures".- Barbara Boxer on whether Kayak.com really K.O's the competition. I laughed for a good 5 minutes after I read that for some reason.
http://www.clickhole.com/article/did-you-hear-your-cousin-got-award-or-scholarship--2019 Did You Hear? Your Cousin Got An Award Or A Scholarship Or Something! Share Tweet Email Pin It Well, isn’t that something! Guess who your mom just got off the phone with? Your aunt! And she had some exciting news from that side of the family: Your cousin got an award or a scholarship or something! Amazing! Remember how your cousin was doing that program? Or was it an internship? Whatever it was, apparently he ended up getting some kind of award out of it! Like a grant or something. The way your aunt was describing it to your mom, it sounds like kind of a big deal! Whatever it is, it’s something nice that’s important, and they’re all so proud of him for all the hard work he’s done. Isn’t that nice? Good for him! Anyways, just a little update about your cousin. Seems like things are going really well for him. You should give him a call sometime and catch up! You mom bets he’d love to hear how you’re doing. And don’t forget to congratulate him on winning his thing!
Gorilla Sales Skyrocket After Latest Gorilla Attack Statistics show sales of gorillas often spike sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack. NEWSJanuary 10, 2013 VOL 49 ISSUE 02 News · Animals · Our Annual Year 2013 SAN DIEGO—Following the events of last week, in which a crazed western lowland gorilla ruthlessly murdered 21 people in a local shopping plaza after escaping from the San Diego Zoo, sources across the country confirmed Thursday that national gorilla sales have since skyrocketed. “After seeing yet another deranged gorilla just burst into a public place and start killing people, I decided I need to make sure something like that never happens to me,” said 34-year-old Atlanta resident Nick Keller, shortly after purchasing a 350-pound mountain gorilla from his local gorilla store. “It just gives me peace of mind knowing that if I’m ever in that situation, I won’t have to just watch helplessly as my torso is ripped in half and my face is chewed off. I’ll be able to use my gorilla to defend myself.” “Law enforcement and animal control can only get there so quickly,” Keller added. “And you never know when you’ll need to use a gorilla to save your life.” Reports confirmed that gorilla sales have historically risen sharply in the immediate aftermath of a major gorilla attack, most notably after the 2010 tragedy in the small town of Logan, NM, where 14 people, including two 5-year-old children and a 92-year-old woman, were viciously beaten to death by a 12-year-old gorilla who spontaneously attacked patrons of a crowded grocery store. The latest attack marked the fifth of its kind in the United States within the last six months and has reignited the explosive national debate over gorilla control, with thousands of outraged Americans reportedly demanding that their government representatives act immediately in order to prevent further bloodshed. “We’ve had to deal with too many gorilla-related tragedies, and we’ve had to bury too many innocent, feces-covered victims,” said Nicole Simmons, president of the Mothers Against Gorillas coalition, who herself lost her 16-year-old son in the infamous Baker High School gorilla rampage of 1997. “It’s time to put an end to this. We need to get gorillas off the streets once and for all. Enough is enough.” “The answer to this systemic problem is not more gorillas,” Simmons continued, her eyes welling with tears. “The answer is fewer gorillas.” As evidence, Simmons pointed to a 2011 University of Maryland study, which found that 98 percent of Americans who own a gorilla have never used them for defense against a home invasion. Simmons also cited widely reported studies confirming that people who keep gorillas in the home are 12 times more likely to have their arms torn off, and children in those households are 19 times more likely to be picked up by the legs and bashed repeatedly into the ground. Furthermore, many gorilla control advocates have reportedly called for statewide limits to the number of gorillas one can purchase and a federal ban on the ownership of silverbacks, referencing as an example the tight gorilla laws in countries such as Japan, England, and Australia, where the annual rate of gorilla crimes is virtually nonexistent. “There is absolutely no reason—not for hunting, protection, or otherwise—that an ordinary citizen would need to possess a 600-pound silverback,” said Sen. Robert Menendez (D-NJ), one of the most outspoken gorilla control advocates in Congress. “The general public frankly has no business owning apes of this size, and the only people who do are zookeepers who are trained to properly handle them. Otherwise, they are nothing but a threat to society and only serve to perpetuate more violence.” Opponents to gorilla control legislation, however, appear to be fervent in their defense of their gorilla possession rights. A spokesperson for the powerful yet controversial national gorilla lobby told reporters that a ban on gorillas would not end incidents such as that in San Diego, as those who want the large primates could simply buy them from illegal dealers who smuggle them into the country from the jungles of sub-Saharan Africa. Many gorilla owners also told sources that the creatures are primarily used for legal hunting purposes and that the overwhelming majority of gorilla enthusiasts are completely responsible with their apes. “Listen, it’s my God-given right as an American to have the freedom to own a gorilla to protect myself and my family,” said Nashua, NH resident James Harrington, 46, adding that he personally owns 12 different gorillas of various sizes, but keeps them “safely locked away in [his] home.” “And the government has another thing coming if they think they can come into my house and take away my gorillas.” “What happened in San Diego was horrible, but that doesn’t mean all gorillas are bad,” Harrington added. “In fact, if every person at that mall had a gorilla, then the tragedy probably never would have even happened in the first place.” At press time, following the increase in national gorilla sales, four isolated gorilla attacks had just been reported across the country, with the overall civilian death toll currently estimated at 37.
10 Cat GIFs For The Blind Posted yesterday http://www.clickhole.com/article/10-cat-gifs-blind-3576 I don't know how to embed these, but they are cracking me up
Saudi Executioner Thinks He Pulled Something In Shoulder During Last 10 Decapitations January 7, 2016 AL MUZAHIMIYAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Complaining that he must have “tweaked it pretty good,” Saudi executioner Khalid al-Faraj told reporters Thursday that he thinks he pulled something in his shoulder during yesterday’s last 10 decapitations. “Around the seventh or eighth beheading I came around kind of awkwardly on my windup and heard this loud pop, and I knew immediately that something wasn’t right, ” said al-Faraj, adding that he attempted to ignore the dull pain spreading through his upper right arm and power through the rest of the executions, but he barely had enough strength left to make a clean slice on the final prisoner. “When I got home I took a few Aleve and put some Icy Hot on it, but this morning when I woke up I couldn’t even lift my arm and the pain had spread down to my elbow. I just hope the swelling goes down soon because I’ve got a pretty big slate on Monday.” Al-Faraj told reporters that, on the orders of his orthopedist, he would have to miss out on this weekend’s public stoning of a woman accused of adultery.
Paul Ryan Quietly Doing Seated Ab Exercises Throughout State Of The Union NEWS IN BRIEFJanuary 12, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 01 Politics · Politicians · Paul Ryan WASHINGTON—Taking the opportunity to strengthen his core during the president’s hour-long remarks, House Speaker Paul Ryan is said to have quietly performed a series of ab exercises as he sat through the State of the Union address Tuesday, sources reported. “Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty—come on, let’s push it, two more sets,” whispered Ryan, who reportedly grunted at regular intervals from his seat several feet behind President Obama as he targeted his midsection, obliques, and lower back with a regimen of ab squeezes, leg pull-ins, and seated crunches. “Keep it going now. Yeah, that burn is the body getting stronger. Stick with it.” At press time, Ryan was reportedly spotted grabbing a plastic sports bottle from the floor of the rostrum and dousing his face with water while the president described his vision for America’s future trade role in the Pacific
http://www.theonion.com/article/bil...lMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:1:Default Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die SPORTS NEWS IN BRIEFJanuary 21, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 02 Football · Death · New England Patriots · Bill Belichick BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die. “Brian’s a big fan of the team, and as soon as I heard that he had taken a turn for the worse, I came right over to watch him struggle until the end,” said Belichick, who stood outside Keller’s room in the intensive care unit for over three hours and silently stared through the glass as the 28-year-old’s organs shut down and he went into cardiac arrest. “I try to make it out here as many weekends as I can. Sometimes I’ll be here for six or seven hours on a Saturday visiting fans in the cancer ward who are just hanging on by a thread. The look on their faces when they’ve lost consciousness for the last time—you can just see the life draining out of them. It means so much to me to be there in those moments.” Sources confirmed that Belichick stayed to take pictures with Keller for several minutes after doctors had pronounced him dead.
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/i...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook I Know This Sounds Like Spam, But I Really Did Double My Mass In TWO WEEKS And Now Women Can’t Get Enough Of Me And I’m SCARED Vince Kirkwood Blogger Share Tweet Email Pin It I know this sounds crazy, but it’s TRUE. My life CHANGED FOREVER thanks to this ONE WEIRD TRICK I used to burn fat and build muscle FAST. I know what you’re thinking—sounds like just another internet fitness scam, right? Wrong. I really did double my body mass in JUST TWO WEEKS, and I don’t understand how I got so big so fast and I’m SCARED. What a lot of people don’t realize about staying fit is that getting in shape has less to do with how much you eat and more to do with what you eat. This CRAZY FITNESS TIP helped me pinpoint the foods that could give my body the NUTRIENTS it needed to build mass AND definition at a BREAKNECK rate that FRIGHTENED MY DOCTOR! I couldn’t believe how SIMPLE it was! This INCREDIBLE TRICK also gave me the ENERGY and DRIVE to work out at the gym almost every day. But the crazy thing is, when I used this ONE WEIRD SECRET to work out, I only needed to do three 15-minute workouts a week in order to grow TOO LARGE for my own PARENTS TO RECOGNIZE ME. I think I MIGHT be DYING. And don’t get me started on my SEX life! Ever since I became TOO MUSCULAR TO BREATHE COMFORTABLY, ravenous SWARMS OF WOMEN have been clawing at my SEETHING BULK because the CHISELED DEFINITION of my TWITCHING, ANGRY ABS drives them MAD WITH DESIRE. These WOMEN have turned my life into a LUSTY HELLSCAPE. I live in constant fear of THE WOMEN WHO HUNT ME, and it all happened in just TWO WEEKS! So DON’T HESITATE. If you want to learn this WEIRD SECRET of how I got TRAGICALLY HUGE, you MUST ACT NOW. There is NO TIME TO WASTE because I don’t know if I’ll be able to SURVIVE MUCH LONGER in my current state. I am literally BURSTING with sinew and EVERY SECOND IS PAIN. Contact me IMMEDIATELY if you want to know how I turned my scrawny body into an OUT OF CONTROL PRISON OF MUSCLE from which DEATH IS THE ONLY ESCAPE. Please HELP me. Please KILL me.
Game-Changer: This Startup Just Broke Kickstarter’s All-Time Funding Record With A ‘Scream’ Mask That Has A Mouth Slit So You Can Still Eat Chicken Tenders Posted Feb. 9, 2016 Share Tweet Email Pin It Crowdfunding campaigns are a dime a dozen, but every once in a while, something truly exciting comes along that takes the internet by storm. That’s exactly what happened earlier this week, when Austin, TX–based startup Into Solutions Inc. launched what very quickly became the most successful Kickstarter campaign of all time. The product? A Scream mask that has a mouth slit so you can still eat chicken tenders while wearing it. So. Much. Win. Within an hour of going live, the campaign for the chicken-accommodating horror mask had already soared past its $1 million goal, and in less than two days, it has managed to rake in over $22 million from more than 70,000 individual backers—easily taking the record for the highest-funded project in Kickstarter’s history! “The design of conventional Scream masks fails to intuitively address the wearer’s need to consume chicken tenders without impediment,” reads the About section of the product’s Kickstarter. “With a horizontal feeding slit across the mouth area, our Scream mask provides a simple yet elegant solution to the chicken finger problem, creating a Scream mask–wearing experience that’s unrivaled in convenience and fun.” Though the Kickstarter has barely gone live, demand is already overwhelming supply, and a recent campaign update cautions that, due to manufacturing limitations, new backers might not receive their masks until months down the road. However, donations have hardly slowed, as consumers are clearly extremely excited at the prospect of finally being able to keep theirScream mask on when it’s time to eat meat. How many of these incredible new Scream masks do you think you’ll buy? Tweet/Facebook us and let us know!
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/i...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook I Refuse To Circumcise My Son Because It Keeps Growing Back Glenn Coffey Father, blogger Posted Yesterday As the father of a newborn baby boy, I’ve spent countless hours fretting over whether or not to circumcise my son, David. I used to consider the procedure relatively standard, but recently, I had a change of heart. I took a step back and began to consider the negative side of circumcision, which led me to a definitive conclusion: I refuse to circumcise my son because his foreskin keeps growing back. Refusing to circumcise my son is no easy decision, but I’m confident it’s the right one. At first, I was adamant that I wanted David circumcised. But after considering various articles about how antiquated circumcision is and seeing David’s foreskin persistently grow back after each surgery, I started to reconsider my stance. After hours of research and nine circumcisions later, I decided that enough was enough. Other parents may have their own reasons for or against circumcision, but I’ve made my choice, and I’m sticking to it. I fear that circumcision could impact my son’s quality of life. Just think: The sheer number of hospital visits necessary to keep up with his unconquerable foreskin would make David’s childhood anything but normal. Plus, with its current consistency of an all-terrain tire, his foreskin keeps getting harder and harder to cut off. When I was born, my parents had me circumcised. I don’t hold any ill will towards them, nor do I wish it hadn’t happened. But I also lack the medical marvel of a penis that my son has. If my parents had experienced what I’m going through, they surely would’ve put an end to it. It’s time we as a society agree that circumcision isn’t always the right choice, especially when your son’s foreskin is rewriting medical textbooks everywhere. Knowing what I know now, it’s hard to fathom that I was once pro-circumcision. The foreskin is a natural and apparently sometimes indestructible thing, and because of that, we parents need to leave it alone. If my son wants to take another crack at it when he grows up, that’s his decision, and he has every right to make it. My only words of advice to him would be, “Good luck. And maybe try using a pair of garden shears.”
http://www.theonion.com/article/sanders-impresses-florida-voters-jumping-hotel-bal-52559 Sanders Impresses Florida Voters By Jumping From Hotel Balcony Into Pool NEWS IN BRIEFMarch 14, 2016 VOL 52 ISSUE 10 Politics · Politicians ·Election 2016 · Bernie Sanders MIAMI—Whirling an empty Corona bottle above his head as he drew onlookers’ attention with a loud, sustained howl, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders reportedly impressed Florida voters Monday by jumping from his hotel balcony into the pool below. “Hey, everyone, check this out!” said the shirtless two-term Vermont senator, clambering up onto the railing outside his fifth-floor hotel room and prompting a chorus of cheers by briefly dancing on the narrow ledge to the audible strains of Fetty Wap’s “Trap Queen” emanating from the poolside patio before making the 50-foot leap into the water. “Bombs away!” At press time, a soaking-wet Sanders was inviting the swing state’s residents to “really get this party started” by joining him for body shots of Jose Cuervo.
http://www.clickhole.com/article/pu...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook Pure Class: Peyton Manning Took Out This Full-Page Newspaper Ad To Thank His Fans For Their Years Of Support Posted March 9, 2016 Share Tweet Email Now here’s a football megastar who completely gets how important the fans are. Denver Broncos diehards have shown a lot of love for Super Bowl champion Peyton Manning, and now, the legendary quarterback is showing his love for the fans before he rides off into the sunset. Two days after officially announcing his retirement, the five-time NFL MVP took out a full-page ad in The Denver Post to thank his fans for all their support. Check out the heartfelt letter below: Wow! What a class act. Here’s wishing Peyton Manning all the best in the years ahead!
http://www.clickhole.com/article/6-reasons-why-miranda-worst-character-sex-and-city-4037 LIFE 6 Reasons Why Miranda Is The Worst Character In The ‘Sex And The City’ Universe Besides Presumably Osama Bin Laden Posted Yesterday via HBO Share Tweet Email No one wants to be the Miranda of their group! 1. She’s rude via HBO The times Miranda would belittle her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Steve, for no reason are too numerous to count, though nothing she did was as bad as Osama bin Laden carrying out the largest terrorist attack on U.S. soil in history, assuming that 9/11 occurred in the show’s universe. 2. She’s whiny via HBO Charlotte gives her a run for her money, but Miranda’s constant whiny phone calls make her the last person in the show’s universe, save for presumably Osama bin Laden, you would ever want to hang out with. 3. She has poor taste via HBO The time Miranda wore overalls with a puffy coat was a downright travesty, though not nearly as bad as what Osama bin Laden did, if we can presume he existed somewhere in that world. 4. She’s overdramatic via HBO It’s true that no character in SATC ever mentions Osama bin Laden by name, but there’s also no compelling evidence that suggests this 21st-century depiction of New York City exists in a world where the Twin Towers are absent for a reason other than the 9/11 attacks. For this reason, Osama bin Laden is far worse than Miranda, even though she acted like she was dying that one time she had a really bad hangover. 5. She can be kind of gross This is a far cry from killing 3,000 Americans if, in fact, 9/11 happens to be an unmentioned reality in the show, but remember when Miranda ate cake out of the garbage? *shudders* 6. She’s a know-it-all via HBO If we’re at liberty to assume 9/11 was part of this universe and that bin Laden was behind it, then obviously the faults of one character are nothing compared to the grief of a nation, but aside from that, Miranda lost us forever when she tried to tell Carrie how to do her job. Stick to being a lawyer, Miranda! SMDH.
The Oral Histories fucking kill me every time http://www.clickhole.com/article/oral-history-kanye-wests-my-beautiful-dark-twisted-4073 An Oral History Of Kanye West’s ‘My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ Posted Yesterday Share Tweet Email Via consequenceofsound.net After a series of public incidents, Kanye West spent the end of the 2000s retreated from the world. When he came back, he brought with him an album that cemented him as the greatest artist of his generation. Released on November 22, 2010, “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” saw West and a superstar team of collaborators combine elements of his previous four albums to create an entirely new sound, and in the process, an indisputable masterpiece. Told here through those who were there and through Kanye West himself, this is the complete, authoritative oral history of “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.” Chapter 1: “They Say I Was The Abomination Of Obama’s Nation” L.A. Reid (former CEO, Def Jam Records): Kanye West is no stranger to controversy. One time, he interrupted Mike Myers to tell a secret to President [George W.] Bush, and another time, he committed the Great Awards Show Crime. His fearlessness in the face of potential outrage is actually one of my favorite things about him, but he took it a step too far when he invented the worst possible phrase to yell in a church. Mike Dean (producer, songwriter): It’s 2008, and Kanye calls me on the phone to say he’s thought of a wonderful new phrase to scream in a church. It turned out that it was actually the worst possible thing someone could scream in a church, but he didn’t seem to realize that. L.A. Reid: I begged Kanye to keep it to himself, but he still interrupted the national anthem during all five games of that year’s World Series to announce it. I thought his career was over. Kanye West (rapper, producer): One day, I will be dead and old, and even then, I will still consider the invention of the phrase “God doesn’t eat food; he just drinks a lot of water” my greatest achievement. It is the best thing you can scream in a church because it is not a lie. Pusha T (rapper): Kanye is a genius, but his opinions about God’s eating habits are just awful. Of course, it almost derailed his career back in ’08. Everybody knows that God eats mostly medicine, and that’s why he’s been able to live for so long. Kanye West: The only thing I know for certain is that God doesn’t eat food. God only drinks water, and because of that he’s always hungry. He feels sick all the time and he loves it, and when you die, God welcomes you to Heaven by wobbling his little stomach from side to side so you hear all the water that’s sloshing around inside of him. It’s called God’s Big Test, because if you throw up in response, you get to be in Heaven. L.A. Reid: The public reaction was really negative. Millions of people hated Kanye, and it just wasn’t going away. Kanye West: When I meet God, I hope I throw up. Pusha T: Things got so bad that at one point, Kanye was even brought to trial in front of the U.S. Supreme Court. They unanimously voted to give him the death penalty. Amber Rose (model, Kanye’s ex-girlfriend): I was absolutely devastated by the Supreme Court’s ruling, but luckily, just as the lever for the electric chair was about to be pulled, Justice [Samuel] Alito burst in. He had remembered that thinking God only drinks water and doesn’t eat food is not a crime, and Kanye was set free. Kanye West: The nine honorable justices of the Supreme Court tried to kill me. It was the lowest point of my career. Jay Z (rapper): Kanye was the most hated man in America. I wanted to help him, so I had a plan to become the most hated man in America instead. I was going to slowly drive around America loudly chewing ice into a megaphone, but just as I finished filling my car with bags of ice, a wife named Beyoncé said, “Hey, idiot, I’m having a kid one of these days.” Good thing I listened, because wouldn’t you know it, three years later, she did. Mike Dean: Even though he thought he was right, Kanye knew he needed to do something to get the people back on his side. First, he tried to come up with a better church phrase, but the best he could think of was “When Christ applauds, he uses his elbows instead of his hands.” L.A. Reid: We brainstormed redemption ideas for weeks, until we came up with something that seems so simple in retrospect: album. Pusha T: Album was my idea. I remembered that Kanye had a long history of making album, and it seemed like a surefire way to get him back in the public’s good graces. Kanye West: I had no other choice. The Supreme Court almost killed me, and because I would’ve been young and dead instead of old and dead, I probably wouldn’t have been ready to throw up at the sight of God’s glorious sloshing stomach. So album it was. Chapter 2: “We Above The Law, We Don’t Give A Fuck ’Bout Y’all” Via Complex West, along with some of the best rappers, singers, and producers on the planet, set up camp in Hawaii for a series of recording sessions that would go on to become the stuff of legend. The recording process was exhausting, with engineers on call 24 hours a day for whenever inspiration would strike the constantly working West. Mike Dean: There was only one place on the entire planet where Kanye wanted to make this album, and that was Hawaii. Kanye West: I wanted to record on the island of Hawaii to show the world that another attack on Pearl Harbor wasn’t worth worrying about. But when we arrived, I quickly realized that another attack on Pearl Harbor could happen at any time. It’s a sitting duck. I had to do something. Pusha T: The material we recorded from the first month is really bad because Kanye immediately began worrying about Pearl Harbor getting attacked again. He spent a lot of time at the Pearl Harbor memorial with a whistle making sure nothing happened. Mike Dean: The turning point for the album came when Kanye got his whistle taken away by a Pearl Harbor memorial security guard. Kanye West: I would blow my whistle whenever a plane flew overhead, which was very often. But after a month, a security guard ripped it out of my mouth. I even said, “I’m protecting you,” but he didn’t care. I was still worried about there being another attack, but now there was nothing I could do about it. I had no choice but to do a really good job working on the album. S1 (producer): Kanye was in the zone. When we were making “Power,” Kanye said, “How about a song that deals with excess and celebrity, while also exploring such issues as consumer culture, race, and the idealism of the American Dream? Also, there should be a maximalist aesthetic, and an opulent production quality, too.” It was a brilliant idea that set the whole tone of the album. Mike Dean: Anyone who Kanye thought was worth $100 at music was flown out to help: Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, Elton John, Rihanna—all the $100 music men and women. Justin Vernon (lead singer, Bon Iver): It was crazy, hanging out with all those superstars. We would all eat breakfast together, and whenever we had free time, we would work on building a singing robot. The robot ended up being so good at singing that it sang the second half of “Runaway,” and when it killed itself moments after recording the track, we cheered for hours. Nicki Minaj (rapper): Working with Kanye was incredible because he really knows how to get the best out of you. One time, a plastic bag flew into the studio and he swatted it down in one try, and that inspired my entire “Monster” verse. Jay Z: When I got the call from Kanye to come to Hawaii, I immediately had this great new idea to become the most hated man in America instead of him. I was going to bring in a bunch of invasive species that would destroy the Hawaiian ecosystem, but because a wife known only as Beyoncé revealed that there was a baby coming soon in three years, I couldn’t buy all the animals and birds that would have upended the environmental equilibrium on the island, and my contributions out there ended up just being a couple verses on the album. RZA (producer, rapper): Kanye tricked me into coming to Hawaii. He said that there was a big fish in Hawaii that I absolutely had to see, but when I got there, there was just the studio. Not a goddamn fish in sight, just a robot with a bullet in its head in the front yard. I don’t know why he tricked me. I would have come had he just said “Music.” Justin Vernon: Kanye also set up a bunch of rules we all had to follow in the studio, and they were super strict. Kanye West: One day, I will be dead and old, but I thought it was necessary to have a set of rules. You know, just to make sure we all kept on track. Raekwon (rapper): “Wear a tuxedo.” “Don’t dress like an ice cream man.” How the fuck am I supposed to do both? Swizz Beatz (producer): The toughest rule to always follow was definitely “Create the song ‘So Appalled.’” I created that song the first day I was there, and since I couldn’t create that song again, I broke that rule pretty much every day thereafter. Kanye was so mad. Kid Cudi (rapper, singer): I broke the rule of “Never have a bunch of mice in your pockets” and was almost sent home, but then I told Kanye that a better rule would be “Always have a bunch of mice in your pockets,” and I got to stay. Pusha T: Both mouse rules were the worst rules. Rihanna (singer): Kanye was just in the zone and demanded perfection out of everyone. I bet that if anyone had ever showed up in a cast, there would’ve been hell to pay. Pusha T: “Runaway” was going to be the centerpiece of the album, and he really pushed me when I was laying down my verse. At one point, I got fed up and said, “Fuck off, dink, you think God only drinks water instead of only eating medicine,” and he stomped on my foot so hard that I screamed. Kanye West: We worked tirelessly for months, but by the end, we had created what we had set out to accomplish: an album that would make people forget about a thing I did a few months earlier. Chapter 3: “GOOD Fridays, I Hope You Have A Nice Weekend” As West and company began to finish the album, it was clear to everyone involved that history was about to be made. Still, there was a problem: How do you promote an album, as incredible as it might be, when you don’t have the public on your side? Pusha T: The first attempt at promoting the album was to hire a man to go to the center of every town in America to scream “It looks like something big is in the works!” The man got a fair amount of press, but it was just going too slow, and we decided to move on. As far as I know, that guy is still doing that, and honestly, whatever. L.A. Reid: There was also the issue that because no one had actually heard the incredible music Kanye was making, the public was still mad at him. I even heard that one guy had gotten a tattoo of Kanye on his stomach and would charge people $20 to watch him punch it, and he became a millionaire. Kanye West: I had made too much music to fit onto one album. This made me so mad that I thought about just canceling the entire thing and putting all my energy into creating another good phrase to scream in church, like “The Holy Spirit has only read one book and that is Ethan Frome.” But then I realized that I could just release some of that extra music to help promote the album, on a little day I like to call Friday. No I.D. (producer, former president of GOOD Music): GOOD Fridays was a brilliant idea, but Kanye and I argued constantly over how much it should cost. He thought each song should be $100 to buy, and I thought we should pay people $100 to listen. Eventually, we split the difference and just made it free. Pusha T: My favorite song from GOOD Fridays is “Good Friday,” because I think it’s cool how close it sounds to “GOOD Fridays.” Mike Dean: GOOD Fridays did the important thing of reminding people that Kanye is much more than the man who made the worst possible phrase to scream in a church. L.A. Reid: People were warming up to Kanye again, and we needed to keep up this positive buzz. That’s where George Condo’s cover art came into play. George Condo (cover artist): I made the cover art be sexual cover art because sometimes a person will see art of some sex and whisper to themselves, “Hey, okay, all right, it looks like I am on board,” and I know that when there is some sex, a person will get excited or even a little bit thrilled. No I.D.: Due to the explicit nature of the cover, Outback Steakhouse immediately said it wouldn’t sell the album. Outback Steakhouse has never sold any albums, and we had no intention of ever selling it through them, but it was still good publicity because people like when things are badass. Jay Z: My third idea at becoming the most hated man in America instead of Kanye was as follows: travel to France, go to the top of the Eiffel Tower, and unveil a massive sign that says “This is what I think the Washington Monument is.” But what you have to realize is that there’s this wife, and if I’m being honest, she’s named Beyoncé, and she stopped me before I could even go to JayZsPersonalPlaneTicketWebsite.com Kanye West: Undoubtedly, one day I will be dead and old, but there was only one thing I wanted to call the album: God Doesn’t Eat Food; He Just Drinks A Lot Of Water. I didn’t care if it pissed people off. But I guess the label misheard me and thought I said My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. L.A. Reid: We know what Kanye said. Kid Cudi: Things had turned around so much for Kanye that he even got invited to perform at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I wish I could’ve gone, but I had gotten banned for life the year before because I’d asked a security guard if I could try to swallow one of the balloons. Kanye West: In the Thanksgiving Day Parade green room, I saw the man who was playing Santa Claus bite into a ham sandwich so hard that he broke a tooth. When he started to cry, I gave him a tissue, and he responded by telling me that I had been forgiven for everything I had done. It was a nice moment, but it didn’t really matter, because the only person who can forgive me is God. And I’m on good terms with that little guy, because he knows that I think he drinks six gallons of water out of a very weak Heaven Hose every single day. Chapter 4: “Can We Get Much Higher?” My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy sold 496,000 copies during its first week and debuted at number one on the Billboard charts. It received unanimously rave reviews, and many critics considered it to be the best album of 2010. By any measure, it was a triumph, and possibly the best work from one of the best rappers of all time—but despite its legacy, Kanye’s relationship with the album has been complicated. Rob Sheffield (writer, Rolling Stone): The first time I listened to My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, I got a bloody nose. But the second time I listened? The bloody nose went away. That’s when I knew it was a classic. Drake (rapper): My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy changed everything. I think about it every day, and one day I’m going to forget about it because of a car accident. Samuel Alito (associate justice, Supreme Court of the United States): Kanye West sent me a copy of his album, but I still haven’t gotten around to listening to it. I’m sure it’s fine, but just because you save someone’s life, it doesn’t mean you have to listen to their album. Always remember that. Justice Samuel Alito. Justin Vernon: Working on this album changed my life. I got to see a robot kill itself, and that’s something no one can ever take away from me. Jay Z: In 2011, I finally achieved my goal of becoming the most hated man in America. I mailed everyone in the country a blurry photo of myself trying to drink a bowl of uncooked rice through a straw, but because everyone liked Kanye again, I had become a pariah for no reason. A wife got mad and a baby was born, and only one of them was named none other than Beyoncé. Kanye West: People seem to like the album, but I don’t feel too good about it. Anytime you make something just because you don’t want people to be mad at you for believing that the phrase “God doesn’t eat food; he just drinks a lot of water” is a very good thing to yell in a church, it feels hollow. Pusha T: That’s the cool thing about Kanye: He can make something that is so undeniably great but still see the flaws. It’s really inspiring, and one day I hope I can make something that everyone loves but I still hate. Kanye West: No matter how much I achieve, no matter how much people look up to me, no matter how incredible my family is—one day, when I am dead and old, if I am unable to throw up when I see God quietly whirl his little distended, waterlogged stomach, none of this will have been worth it.
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/i...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook I Keep My Grandfather’s Mind Active By Calling Him Every Day And Telling Him World War II Never Happened Tony Farrell Blogger Degenerative brain conditions like Alzheimer’s affect more than 5 million Americans, and that number is only rising. The senior citizens in our lives need us now more than ever to help them stave off these awful diseases. I knew my 89-year-old grandfather was at high risk due to his age, so I decided to do something proactive to keep his mind alert: I call him every day and tell him World War II never happened. This is something I knew I had to do for my grandpa. At first, he didn’t believe me when I said World War II never happened. “It did happen. I fought in it,” he would say. After a week of calling, he was spiritedly defending the existence of World War II for several hours a day. As he got more and more emboldened at my refusal to admit the war took place, I knew I was doing my part in keeping his brain strong. But Alzheimer’s is a relentless disease, and I knew I had to stay ahead of it by being more aggressive in telling him day after day that World War II never happened. I began calling him three times a day. One time, as he was refuting my claim that a man named “Adolf Hitler” never existed, I began to hear a slight hesitation in his voice, like he was starting to believe me, and I knew that was Alzheimer’s rearing its ugly head. He obviously needed more of my help. Calling three times a day simply wasn’t enough; it was time to fight his Alzheimer’s head-on! Because I love my grandpa more than anything, I took my efforts to the next level. I broke into his house while he was sleeping and took every book about World War II, all of his war medals, and every one of his photographs from the war. The next time I went to his house, I said if he was so sure World War II existed, then show me even one picture from it. As I saw my grandfather desperately searching for his World War II keepsakes for over an hour, I knew that this mental exercise I was giving him was keeping his mind active and disease-free. I do all sorts of things to keep my grandfather’s brain sharp. He goes on and on about how he served mainly in France, so I had special world maps made up that don’t have France on them and put them in his house. Then I asked him to point France out to me. Sure, it was expensive to get these maps made, but there’s no amount of money I wouldn’t spend to keep the mind of my grandfather alert. No matter what I do, I know that brain degeneration will eventually claim my grandfather. But until then I’m fighting it with everything I’ve got, and I think everyone else should do the same. Convince your elderly parents and grandparents that World War II (or the Vietnam War) never happened. Tell them that they are liars who have become so far gone as to have convinced themselves of their delusions. They may not thank you, but know that you are helping them live out the remainder of their lives with dignity.