The Onion launched a click bait site- Clickhole is born

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Duck70, Apr 8, 2015.

  1. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
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    6 Things That Could’ve Turned Out Differently In 2016 If King Kong Were Real And On The Side Of The Common Man
    Life
    Like
    [​IMG]

    There’s an undeniable nobility to King Kong, in whose mighty breast beats a hero’s heart. But if he were real, and if he were a true champion of the little guy, what might have gone differently this year?

    1. The Flint water crisis: A real, live, conscientious King Kong would have shaken the heavens and torn up the Earth to bring clean drinking water to the people of Flint, MI. What would be a significant public works project for mankind would be child’s play for Skull Island’s favorite son, who could rip Flint’s dangerously corroded pipes out of the ground as easily as pulling carrots and carve up furrows to funnel safe drinking water from Detroit. Unfortunately, as King Kong is only in movies, Flint’s crisis continues.

    2. The Dakota Access pipeline protests: With a flesh-and-blood King Kong on their side, the Sioux would have had nothing to fear. There’s no way in hell that Morton County law enforcement would have committed such callous brutality against the Standing Rock protestors once they caught sight of the mighty Kong towering alongside the Sioux water protectors. And if they’d tried, King Kong’s immense hide would have shielded the protestors from water cannons, rubber bullets, pepper spray, and concussion grenades, though in keeping with the spirit of peaceful protest, he’d never retaliate, except maybe to toss a few squad cars around.

    3. The prison labor strike: You might not know that this year saw the largest prison labor strike in history, with 20,000 prisoners striking across 29 prisons for improved pay and conditions, because barely any major media outlet covered the story. But if King Kong existed outside the silver screen and caught wind of what was happening, you’d better believe that populist colossus would’ve come thundering up a guard tower to tear some prison factory to scrap with his mighty, meaty fists, literally striking a blow against the prison-industrial complex. And he’d be bringing every news ’copter in a tristate area in tow, to boot!

    4. The Stanford rape case: In a victory for women everywhere, King Kong would have descended like a thunder cloud and scooped up Brock Turner on the day he was released after serving half of his six-month prison sentence for raping an unconscious woman. Then the socially aware monstrosity would have hurled him into the Pacific Ocean with a roar to shake the throne of God himself. It’s harsh, but when the legal system fails us, King Kong would be there to deliver swift and uncompromising justice.

    5. Chelsea Manning: What prison wall could stop a 50-foot-tall, totally real ape with righteous fury in his heart? Chelsea Manning’s imprisonment for defending the civil rights of all citizens is an ongoing stain on America’s conscience, but with Kong in her corner, she’d surely have already been freed from solitary confinement by a hairy-knuckled fist through the ceiling and spirited away to safety. In the event King Kong ever becomes real and for whatever reason has an unshakeable sense of right and wrong and also a sustained interest in human intrigue, Chelsea Manning has absolutely nothing to fear.

    6. He would have definitely climbed Trump Tower: If King Kong were real, there’s just no way this year would have closed out before he’d beat his chest at the top of a Trump-branded building, showing Americans everywhere what a true champion of the downtrodden looks like. And while King Kong would hopefully respect democratic norms too much to directly interfere with the electoral process, maybe he’d have carried a wailing Donald Trump up there to frighten him into feeling some accountability for those who’ve placed their hopes in him, and those threatened by his rise. If the omnipresent threat of King Kong couldn’t keep Trump honest, nothing will.
     
  2. The Great Pumpkin

    The Great Pumpkin The Next Portugese Prodigy
    Donor TMB OG

    The Greatest Of All Time: A Statistical Portrait Of Babe Ruth
    LIFE
    Posted Today
    LIKE
    [​IMG]


    George Herman “Babe” Herman-Herman “Babe” Ruth is widely considered to be the greatest baseball player who ever lived. However, despite the widespread acknowledgement of his greatness, few people understand exactly how great Babe Ruth actually was—how completely he dominated baseball, and how large a shadow he casts on its modern era. So, let’s make an attempt to understand just how great “The Good Hitter Who Loved Food” actually was. Using the power of statistics, data, and graphs, we’ll explore just what made Babe Ruth incredible and demonstrate how thoroughly he deserves to be recognized as “the greatest man who did baseball.”

    Part 1: Babe Ruth The Pitcher
    Ruth began his career as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, where he was arguably one of the greatest pitchers of his generation. The retired, dead baseball player Yogi Berra once said, “Babe Ruth is good at pitching.” This is correct. Babe Ruth was an extraordinary pitcher. At a time when most pitchers were throwing their pitches in the wrong direction, such as over the outfield wall or directly at their own head, Babe Ruth became known for throwing his pitches in the direction of the batter. The following picture of a graph shows how groundbreaking Ruth’s decision to throw his pitches toward the batter truly were:

    [​IMG]
    Ruth was a dominant pitcher, and could have gone on to glory as an ace southpaw, but his impressive accomplishments on the mound pale in comparison to his accomplishments in the batter’s box.


    Part 2: Babe Ruth The Home Run King
    As dominant as Ruth’s pitching career was, his hitting career is even more impressive. He is quite possibly the greatest home run hitter who ever lived. Babe Ruth hit 714 career home runs, which is equal to the amount of home runs a dinosaur might hit. To put that number in perspective, look at the following graph:

    [​IMG]
    The Babe’s home run total becomes even more astounding when it’s compared to the number 12:

    [​IMG]
    Part 3: The Legacy Of Babe Ruth

    Although Babe Ruth has been missing for over 20 years, his status as the finest ballplayer in baseball history endures. In their annual rankings of the greatest baseball players of all time, NASA has consistently placed Ruth at number one every year since the organization was founded in 1958:

    [​IMG]
    Ruth’s legacy as the greatest player ever persists even though his incredible records have been broken. Both Hammering “Hank” Aaron and Massive Barry Bonds have broken Ruth’s home run record, causing Ruth’s home runs to look like the embarrassing home runs of a baby.

    So, why is Ruth still considered the greatest player of all time when two entire men have smashed his home run record to smithereens? Well, it all comes down to charts and graphs.

    First of all, Hank Aaron’s home runs don’t count because he is dead. This can best be illustrated by this graph that measures how dead Hank Aaron is:

    [​IMG]
    Since Hank Aaron doesn’t matter, the only person with more home runs than Babe Ruth is Massive Barry Bonds.


    Massive Barry Bonds tested positive for Walrus Nectar, an illegal muscle sauce that makes your biceps exciting. Bonds squirted the Walrus Nectar into his eyes and hit 762 home runs, including a grand slam. Because Bonds hit these home runs while he was enchanted with muscle sauce, his home runs are invalid and he has been shamed forever. When security guards at the Baseball Hall of Fame see Massive Barry Bonds, they are instructed to bang pots and pans together until the noise scares him away.

    If you’re still not convinced that Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player who ever lived, simply examine this graph of Babe Ruth with his face all stretched out very wide. The x-axis measures Religion, and the y-axis measures Health:

    [​IMG]
    And so there it is, set forth in numbers and statistics that rhetoric cannot refute. The game of baseball has no shortage of deities in its long and storied history, but even among that vast pantheon of gods, Babe Ruth reigns supreme.
     
  3. devine

    devine Tmb’s resident bad boy
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  4. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

    A Historic Tradition: President Obama Has Been Added To The White House Portrait Of Every Former President Sitting Together In A Sauna
    NEWS

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

    I'm sure this has been posted but it was bumped lately and I can't stop laughing at it.

    http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/which-one-my-garbage-sons-are-you-1458

    Which of these garbage things have you done?

    "Invited your nice dad to Career Day at your school, where you told your classmates that his job was “trying to bring Osama bin Laden back to life” and that he did that job for free because he was “in it for the love of the game,” even though your nice dad’s real job is “air traffic controller”
     
    RescueWho??? likes this.
  6. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Auburn TigersSt. Louis CardinalsMemphis GrizzliesCarolina Panthers

  7. HOOSINSC

    HOOSINSC You're with me leather
    Donor

  8. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci How can less be more? It's impossible
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    i just searched for that song, and unfortunately it does not exist
     
  9. laxjoe

    laxjoe Well-Known Member
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    Notre Dame Fighting IrishNational LeagueAvengersSan Diego Padres

  10. laxjoe

    laxjoe Well-Known Member
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    Notre Dame Fighting IrishNational LeagueAvengersSan Diego Padres

  11. steamengine

    steamengine I don’t want to press one for English!
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  12. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  13. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  14. IanC

    IanC I'm sorry, the card says Moops
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    Notre Dame Fighting IrishMilwaukee Brewers altMilwaukee BucksGreen Bay PackersTiger Woods

  15. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  16. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor



    "Think about it: Kevin’s been fired and all his coworkers are laughing at him—mocking him. What’s he to do, pull out a knife? The fact is, Kevin would only be able to kill one, maybe two people before getting tackled. And there’s probably a chance that one of those people would survive their injuries.

    If Kevin lived in America, not only would he be able to kill all of his coworkers in the blink of an eye, but he could probably take out a few bystanders and cops as well!"
     
  17. little cletus

    little cletus Awreetus-Awrightus
    Donor
    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta Braves

    Fuck It: Let’s Rank The Religions
    [​IMG]


    Buckle up, motherfuckers. We’re ranking these bad boys.

    1. Hinduism
    [​IMG]
    Sitting pretty at number one is Hinduism. You bet your ass we’re saying that Hinduism is better than all other religions. That’s what being number one means. Congratulations to Hinduism, the best religion in the whole damn world. All right, let’s keep the ball rolling. These religions aren’t gonna rank themselves.

    2. Bahá’í Faith
    [​IMG]
    Coming up just short of number one but still near the front of the pack is Bahá’í. Nice work, Bahá’í. Couldn’t quite clinch the number-one spot, but second place is nothing to be ashamed of. Bahá’í blew all the other religions out of the fucking water. Okay, who’s up next?

    3. Judaism
    [​IMG]
    Judaism is the third-best religion. Don’t agree? Don’t care. It’s our list, and we can do whatever the fuck we want. Judaism is number three. We’re ranking these puppies like it’s NOBODY’S business. Wooo! Feels good as fuck. Moving on!

    4. Islam
    [​IMG]
    Islam comes in at number four, just BARELY missing the top three. Yowch! That’s gotta hurt. Sorry, Islam, that’s the name of the game, baby! But hey! This is a long list. All things considered, four is a pretty solid ranking. Keep your chin up, Islam.

    5. Mormonism
    [​IMG]
    Didn’t see that coming, did you? We just gave Mormonism the five-spot, and we haven’t even touched Christianity yet. Why? Because Mormonism is better. If Christianity were better, we would’ve ranked it at number five. But we didn’t. We ranked Mormonism at number five. Mormonism is at number five on our ranking of all the religions.

    6. Buddhism
    [​IMG]
    We decided to rank Buddhism at number six. Not much to say about it. Just felt right. Fuck yeah, let’s keep this rank train chuggin’ on down the line!

    7. Christianity
    [​IMG]
    Some folks would be walking on eggshells here, but we’re just gonna come out and say it: Christianity is the seventh-best religion. It’s not as good as Buddhism, but it’s better than the other ones. It’s a lot worse than Hinduism, which—to reiterate—is number one on this list, and therefore the best religion in the whole fucking world. But that’s a high standard to hold it to. Christianity is number seven. It’s fine. It’s not great. It’s fine. It’s not the worst. It is fine. It’s number seven. It’s toward the back of the pack, but it’s not the last one on this list. In conclusion, Christianity is the seventh-best religion in the world.

    8. Sikhism
    [​IMG]
    Sikhism holding it down at number eight! Nice. Fuck, this is awesome. We should have ranked the religions a long time ago. This is way overdue.

    9. Shinto
    [​IMG]
    And bringing up the rear is Shinto. Better luck next time, Shinto.

    10. All the other ones
    [​IMG]
    We don’t know what they’re called, but there are way too fucking many of them to sort through, so we’re just gonna say they’re number 10, and you’re gonna have to be content with that.

    Well, that’s done now. Cool. We ranked the religions. Awesome. Glad that’s done.
     
  18. TC

    TC What a fucking tool that guy is
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    Read a lot like a college football poll tbh
     
    little cletus likes this.
  19. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  20. The Banks

    The Banks TMB's Alaskan
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    Oregon DucksGreen Bay PackersDetroit Red WingsBayern Munich

    Hey I like that song
     
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  21. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

    I read this in Jim Gaffigan's aside voice. "Hey, I like bologna."
     
  22. Duck70

    Duck70 Let's just do it and be legends, man
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    Oregon Ducks

    I love the 'awkward guy' ones. He is very good at being awkward.
     
  23. TC

    TC What a fucking tool that guy is
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

    Hey everyone, let's tear the song apart while The Banks says nothing!
     
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  24. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  25. * J Y *

    * J Y * TEXAS
    Donor TMB OG
    Texas LonghornsTexas RangersSan Antonio SpursDallas Cowboys

  26. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  27. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

  28. laxjoe

    laxjoe Well-Known Member
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    I'm proud of you, sport
     
  29. TC

    TC What a fucking tool that guy is
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    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics

  30. Stagger Lee

    Stagger Lee Crazy. Sexy. Cool.
    Staff Donor TMB OG
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    I love this so much.
     
  31. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia this that slumdog millionaire Bollywood flow
    Staff Donor
    FulhamLSU TigersNew Orleans SaintsTexas Rangers

     
    #285 BayouMafia, Nov 3, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2017
  32. Moxin24

    Moxin24 Show me that smile
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  33. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

  34. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  35. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

    There’s like a 99% chance that was written by the same person who wrote the goat Which One of My Garbage Sons Are You
     
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  36. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  37. The Goat

    The Goat Well-Known Member
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  38. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
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    i think about and laugh at "you are the dreaded laramie" at least once a month
     
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  39. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

    I laugh aloud any time I think of that article. My favorite bit is “tells his classmates at career day that his nice dad’s job is bringing Usama Bin Laden back to life and that he doesn’t do it for money but ‘for love of the game,’ even though his nice dad is an air-traffic controller.”
     
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  40. Tobias

    Tobias dan “the man qb1” jones fan account
    Donor
    North Carolina TarheelsAtlanta BravesCharlotte HornetsNew York GiantsManchester CityNational LeagueBarAndGrill

    it is important to take that quiz once a year just to make sure you're up to date on who you are

    alas...2017 tobias was the dreaded laramie
     
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  41. Can I Spliff it

    Can I Spliff it Is Butterbean okay?
    Donor

  42. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  43. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  44. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Their bones are their money and so are the worms
    Donor

  45. TC

    TC What a fucking tool that guy is
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksSeattle Supersonics