Dude that's awesome, welcome back!! You said fam, did I miss you getting married again? Hit me up when you are settled in, we'll get some beers and figure out what dog you are going to adopt And of course, thank you for your service dude
Haha, no, but it's been close a few times. UK girlfriend was a contender but I wasn't staying and she wasn't moving. Plus she'd hate being a mil spouse. And will do! Pet friendly is #2 on my house needs after a garage. Thanks; I'm always proud to jet set around the world at tax payer expense in the name of freedom and/or corporate interests.
good idea, start fresh back home, American girls are hotter anyway, just missing that accent. Garage and pet friendly sounds like a hell of a good place to start. Are you still in the service or getting out?
Got another 18 months on my contract but I'm staying in for at least one more term so I can transfer all my education benefits to the kiddo. I'll see where I'm at at my 10year mark
True but they've got this blended retirement thing starting next year so at least you're not walking away with nothing like before. Plus with my job I can probably get into a three letter agency.
Not much to report. She got out of the house for a few days going hiking etc trying to prove to me that she could do better, and she reluctantly went to one AA meeting after I basically forced her to in order to get her out of the house. She kept asking me to do stuff with her but after I told her I really just didn't want to be around her I believe reality set in for her. First 2 days were difficult with her making comments trying to get under my skin to get a reaction but I rarely ever let something get under my skin so I just ignored her. She then said she understood that nobody should have to go through what she put me through, I deserve better etc etc. She's agreed to the divorce, we filled it out online and are waiting for it to come in the mail to take it to the courthouse. Right now things are calm at home and we basically avoid each other as much as we(mostly me) can. But I know the second she gets wind I'm seeing another woman shit will hit the fan so I'm trying to coordinate a way to get her out as fast as I can. She's already said she doesn't want to live in our condo we rent and wants to move downtown to meet people so I'm hoping to convince my family to help me supplement her end of the rent in exchange for getting her out of my life quicker and easier.
I think another part that really accelerated this for me was her aunt and uncle I already mentioned in here. Her aunt is a bad alcoholic and seeing the life her uncle lives having to be 2 parents while working 70 hours a week and having the frustration/anger/sadness of coming home exhausted and realizing his wife was drunk all day and didn't even feed their kids....really made me observe and convince myself that is nowhere near the life I want to live And if I stayed I was headed head on into that life
This may be long.. Fucking roller coaster that's what's new. Shit is exhausting really. She's been living at her parents the past week since last Saturday. We fought pretty good on Saturday and Sunday until about 6pm that evening. Since then things have been amicable and honestly not horrible. The seperation did exactly what I knew it would. It helped me realize that like Taffy said after the anger subsided and I had time to just be alone you realize you still have that maybe we should try feeling. I just wish she would have listened two weeks ago and just stayed with the parents for a few days. I may have been able to clear my mind and make things so much easier on everyone. I spent about 3 days doing the semi single thing, out til 4 or 5 am with a few friends, I've flirted with every girl I've come across for an extended period and had fun with it. But of course with friends come conversation and with conversation comes thoughts and I made the difficult and probably unpopular on Tmb decision that if she was willing to try I would try. She fucked up royally but so have I in different ways. But divorce is such a major move that I felt I wanted to do the counseling I wanted to work on and fix our issues. If it wasnt possible then we would make the same decision anyway but with the knowledge that we didnt leave anything on the table. So I left her alone for a few days and she had a rough day on Thursday and we talked a few times about things and I thought let's just see what happens and asked if she wanted to go to happy hour or grab dinner Friday. She was busy both nights but asked about the weekend. So we had dinner tonight. Good meal, good conversation not about us. Just us talking. There was no ill feeling or animosity for me. Ive been with this person for 7 years she knows literally everything about me and there was a reason I married her. Welp then dinner ends and we end up talking in the car. She decided she did want to divorce. I'm all wtf god dammit motherfucker. All in my head of course. She stated she need to work on things on her end and she wasn't happy with her self with things. Of course I called bullshit pretty quick and said this isn't a hs/college breakup this is a divorce there's so mucj more at stake. I explained that when I married her I did it with the expectation to make her problems mine and that as a team we would resolve issues together and be a partnership etc. Well after about 45 minutes she asks if I'll just think about things and get together Monday to talk things over with her. She did say she wants the bedroom TV and her childhood belongings but I could have everything else. She didn't want to fight and didn't want to hurt me but just thought this is what she needed to do. I explained that I asked if she was sure that this was it just walking away and quitting. No trying, no counseling just fuck 7 years and a marriage away and she said yes. So I explained that if I'm going to move on and try not to be a miserable person then I can't just make time to chat and shit. So we went on our separate ways and strangely somehow I almost feel like I'm back at square on in regards to feelings and shit. I don't know if it's normal but I just keep telling myself to be miserable and to be sad and eventually it will get to the point where this will be a memory. I know if I hold things in and try to hide how I feel ill be miserable. So I told my parents what was going on. Told a couple guys that work with me and just let it be and threw in headphones and made some drinks. /Diary.
Sorry to hear that H/T. Its not much of a consolation, but at least now you can have a pretty clear conscience that you were willing to try to mend it, and you told her so. I guess you're in for a shitty few months of ups and downs, but "all things must come to pass" and you get through it. Nothing to be ashamed about in feeling down, and imo there's nothing worse than seeing someone in denial about being down - just let things take their course. I suspect it's not the last we're going to hear from it from her side, good or bad. Whatever happens, keep your chin up and feel free to FB messenger me if you want to chat
Man, I know exactly where you're coming from. Things came to a head with my wife and I at one point, she had moved out and already started seeing someone else, and we sat down one afternoon and talked about counseling. I expected her to at least be open to the idea, but when I asked if she would do that together with me, she just flat out said no. Hit me like a hammer, that realization that its really and truly done, but looking back i'm glad we didn't drag it out and put ourselves through that. Would have just postponed the inevitable. As Taffy said, now you have a clear mind of what's ahead, you can prepare and plan, and there's no doubt about the path you have to take. IMO, that's the best possible situation, she's not trying to string you along and you know that its done and can move to the next stage. Now, once you can turn that page, mentally and emotionally, you *must* take all steps to protect yourself and your rights. Shit can go from amicable to "are you fucking kidding me" in a single heartbeat. I lived it, it can get really ugly, and there's no risk in being prepared for the worst, so you can be pleasantly surprised when things go well. I'm glad you are able to talk about it, aren't trying to keep it in, and are giving yourself time and space to process the feelings. Lean on us when you need to, PM or ITT, we know what you're going through. Stay strong dude.
Any of you ever want to get divorced, but decided to try and work it out solely because you were trying to do what's (or what you thought was) best for your kid? You think it was a good idea to hold off? I'm at the point where I'm convinced there's no way I can stay married to this person the next 5 years much less the rest of my life, but I just can't stop thinking about my daughter growing up in a broken home and it crushes me.
we've all had that same thought, but undrtow is right, kids feel the stress of a bad marriage more than we know. Better for them to have 2 happy homes than one toxic one. I was in the same boat as you at one point, but staying in a bad marriage isn't the right thing for you or your kid.
Thank God my parents divorced when I was two. I can't even imagine how miserable they'd have made all of us if they stayed together. By the time I was 6 I had two awesome step parents and my brother and I had a fantastic childhood.
This line gets repeated a lot, but its not nearly that simple. If one spouse is physically or emotionally abusive. If they're cheating, or just going out of their way to make your life a living hell for a long period of time, then yes divorce is probably the way to go to spare the kid from witnessing that. But if its a matter of not liking the person or not being in love anymore, you don't just quit the marriage and tell yourself its best for the child. If you're both adults and recognize that you love your kid more than anything in the world and you both can commit to providing them with a stable family to grow up in, you don't need to get divorced. Sacrificing your happiness for your child is something parents are supposed to do. Then, when they graduate high school, drop the bitch and move on.
While this is great in theory, there's no great likelihood of "two happy homes." Divorce is extremely tough on kids throughout their lives.
Moxin can't help but come off as preachy, but he's got a point that it's not as simple as saying "it's better for the kids." Often that's a rationalization for subjecting them to a lot of pain. Obviously, that can be worth it in some situations. But, it's not an absolute that prioritizing your own happiness ensures theirs.
Yeah his point is wrong way more often than not. If one spouse is miserable, the other is bound to become miserable as well. You can try and suck it up for your kid but that is a recipe for disaster.
Don't know with any kind of certainty, but probably better. The divorce itself and their subsequent marriages were much greater sources of pain than their relationship with each other.
It's not just that. Divorce Itself is a traumatizing experience to kids. The "it's better for the kids" mantra can be true, but it's not some truism.
In my experience this really, really can go both ways. Sometimes counseling can work and you can fix your relationship with your kid being the driving factor to keep you together. My wife and I have had our share of issues and this is what has kept us together at times and has forced us to work on our relationship. There are peaks and valleys, and the key is realizing when the valley has flattened out and there are no more peaks in sight before really calling it quits. But the work you need to do to save your relationship will closely resemble the work you need to do to successfully raise a child together after a divorce. Like it or not, this person is in your life forever because of the child. Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you and your child.
I don't know if I posted this before, but if anyone ever has questions about this always feel free to PM me. I won't give you legal advice, but I can always walk you through what to expect.
My family isn't religious at all, but my parents seem to make it work. I've probably seen them hug or kiss less than 5 times in my life. But, they also don't fight. I suspect they are just comfortable with the situation and would rather go through life with a friend/roommate than alone. The nest has been empty for 15 years with no change. Different strokes.
I SAW SOME REAL LOSERS TALKING POLOTICS ON 4TH OF JULY WHEN EVERY AMERICAN IS SUPPOSED TO BE CELEBRATING INDEPENDENCE . SO ! TO COMMENT AND GIVE ADVISE IS LIKE REAL FUCKING BAD LOSER .
YA AND THEY ARE GAY MOTHERFUCKERS WHO RAPE CHILDREN ALSO .( PATHETIC) SEX OFFENDERS THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SHOULD JAIL , PUT ON THE LIST . AND THROW AWAY THE KEY .
You serious Clark? Just a year ago the Pope said "yeah ok our divorced members can receive Communion as long as they're good Catholics."
In my experiences, most people getting a divorce help their kids. It's preventive care which sucks really bad for the kid at first, but ultimately for the best. While i won't say "stay together for the kids" can't work, it isn't likely to in the overwhelming majority of cases. There's a reason both parties want to separate and the kids can likely pick up on and be effected by those tensions. If you're in a situation where you can coexist and get along with the spouse under the same roof, you can also do so under separate roofs to provide a great upbringing for your loss or counseling will probably help fix the underlying problems in the relationship. My one caveat is that I work high conflict litigation, so that probably skews my outlook to some extent.
Your point about "happiness" makes sense, but The concept of a nuclear family being a necessity for "happiness" reeks of Jesus freak religiosity when you look at the actual research. Divorce effects kids differently, it often just depends on the kids temperament. The fact that divorce is more prevalent now means it's not a social stigma, so for older kids (5+), it may not be big deal. As long as parents treat each other like people instead pawns for the kids affection, then it's not necessarily a negative. Wes and the guy you responded to are using anecdotal evidence to define right or wrong. That's not how the real world works though.
Right, whereas they used to just get the previous marriage annulled and continue receiving Communion. Something like 1 in 5 Catholic marriages end in an annulment.
No, I didn't. I made my point without any anecdotal evidence. I just responded to Bayou's anecdote with my own to illustrate that experiences vary.
divorce affects your kids if the parents are pieces of shit and make the kids pawns in their childish chess matches if the kid is forced to choose between the two all the time and feels conflicted doing a simple thing like celebrating the holidays they're going to be a mess
Divorce affects kids 100% of the time, even if the parents get along and aren't pieces of shit. They just get really fucked up if the parents are pieces of shit and use the kids as pawns. And there's no real choice except but to split holidays. That inevitably creates some level of conflict with the child. The issue is when parents fight about the holidays and involve the kid to varying degrees.