TMB Divorce Thread

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by One Knight, Apr 30, 2015.

  1. OopsPowSurprise

    OopsPowSurprise Owed one ass kicking from poweshow
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    For sure. But it's about compromise. Also it's worth just keeping your kid out of it until they're old enough. I found out a lot about how much my parents sacrificed after the fact
     
  2. OopsPowSurprise

    OopsPowSurprise Owed one ass kicking from poweshow
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    But really my point is do not stay together for the sake of your children, take it from someone who was raised by a divorced family
     
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  3. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    Just to clarify,anything I post in this thread is based on my experience alone, as per everything, your mileage might vary. to the point that wes tegg and others made, of course there are other ways to do things.

    In my experience, I had already given her multiple chances, tried to keep things together, asked to do counseling and was turned down, etc. So I didn't think there was any way to save the marriage, and the tension was affecting Half Knight's behavior. I didn't think it was healthy for any of us to continue in that way. And fortunately, after a very rough first year on her side, things are much much better now. He has two sets of parents who love him and all is well.

    It may not be the best way to go for everyone, but it was for me. And I appreciate the stance of all those ITT who feel passionate about the way their situation worked out, there's no miracle cure, but we are all here trying to help out our fellow men and TMB fam, and that's what matters. Much love to all.
     
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  4. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    Since we have new folks who are sadly going through the early stages and crucial decision making times of this process, I wanted to re-publish/update my thoughts on important ways to protect yourself right now, as the male part of the relationship.

    As I said in the last post, these things won't be necessary or effective for everyone, but for a lot of people I'd wager that some of these steps will save a lot of heartache and money. Take it as friendly advice from someone who went through a tough one, not a truism or a rule or concrete proof of success. This is most definitely not legal advice, not at all.

    This section will be called "Learn from my mistakes", or "Don't fuck up like I did". These may all be extreme examples, but they are 100% true, and I only present them as lessons of what can go really wrong, so you take the appropriate measures to protect yourself. /disclaimer.

    1. If you have a joint bank account, open a new checking/savings immediately that only you have access to, and move any money you can directly claim (paycheck, savings, etc) to the new one. If it is in a joint account, it is fair game, and in most cases you will not recover it, or it will be cost prohibitive to do so. I woke up one morning, after being assured that we were going to work on things, that she had taken 2/3 of the money in the account, and had to get help from my parents just to keep checks from bouncing.

    2. Talk to an attorney immediately. Anyone you talk to is prohibited from talking to her too, so if you want to go scorched earth you could talk to a bunch of them and limit her choices. Don't think that talking to a lawyer is an escalation, she has probably already done it without telling you because one of her divorced friends told her to (or just because it makes sense). At the very least, have the attorney tell you your rights, be clear about what you can and can't do, etc.

    3. Important piggy back on #2, if you have children, immediately have the attorney draw up a parenting plan. You don't need her input to get the process started, draw it up the way you want it, schedule a court date to have it recognized by the court, and then you can negotiate. If it isn't recognized by the court, it isn't enforceable. My ex kept Half Knight from me for 45 days with zero contact, and I couldn't do fuck all about it because there was nothing in writing, we had just been taking turns spending time with him. This is really crucial, courts typically lean heavily in favor of the mom, so if you want to have any part of your kids lives, you must protect your rights from the jump.

    4. If there are any possessions you value in your home, immediately relocate them to a secure place, be it a storage unit or another home she has no claim to, really anywhere but the marital home. My ex had been gone for about 4 months when I came home from work one day to find the back door broken into, and nearly all my stuff had been stolen. I called the cops to report it, only to find out she had already called them to inform them that she was going to retrieve her stuff. Because it was still technically her home (we weren't legally separated or anything at that time), it wasn't a crime, and anything inside was considered marital property. I lost computers, video game stuff, jewelry, cash, personal paperwork with SS#'s and other personal info, furniture, my son's bed, etc. And all of it ended up at someone's curb when she got evicted from wherever she was living later that year.

    5. Keep a close eye on your automobile. My ex tried to have my car towed just to fuck with me, even though she had no legal claim to it. The cop i called about it told me that the tow truck people were generally pretty shady, most don't require any proof that the person hiring them to get the car has a claim to it, and once they get it hooked to their truck, you have no recourse until they get it wherever its going and you go through the proper channels to get it back. The cop told me to always park it in the garage, and not keep anything valuable in it in case they did manage to get it from me. Which led to me keeping all the paperwork and cash at my house and losing it when she broke in and stole everything. So learn this lesson for sure, if its that important keep it on your person at all times, or locked away where she can't get it.

    6. Be prepared for the unexpected. My ex tried to have a restraining order filed against me, she had me served at my office claiming she was in fear for her life. I had never laid a hand on her, there was no proof, no justification whatsoever for the order, but it apparently doesn't matter. At that point your only recourse is to abide by it until you can get a court date to contest it. I did, she didn't show up, it was dropped, but its a pain and was a good illustration of how shit can go off the rails.

    7. If you have kids, be super careful at all times. During the time when all this was going on, we took Half Knight to a baseball game, missed a spot on his head with sunscreen, and he ended up with a sunburn the size and length of a finger. I didn't think anything of it, until I went to pick him up at daycare at the start of his week with me, and he wasn't there. I called to find out where he was, and she gave me some line about protecting him. I go home freaking out and Child Protective Services calls to tell me she had taken him to the hospital, somehow managed to get him to say I had hit him (he was 3 at this time) and CPS had been called. I had to go through so many fucking hoops to get my name cleared. This was the start of the 45 days I didn't know where he was, who he was with, no communication, etc. Also see #3, no court recognized parenting plan = no recourse if she decides to keep him past her agreed upon time.

    I know there's more but I don't recall them at the moment, i've blocked out a lot of what happened. I pray that none of this happens to you, and things get better for all the guys getting ready to go through it. I just don't want anyone to go through the pain I did, so I offer these ideas for your protection and good health. Feel free to PM me with any questions or just for support.
     
    #704 One Knight, Jul 6, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2017
  5. TheGrifter

    TheGrifter It's a trick. Get an axe.
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    Yep.

    I'm never getting married.

    Confirmed.
     
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  6. devine

    devine hi, i am user devine
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    This thread makes me sad
     
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  7. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    Ill be the first to admit this is an Alt account- i know some folks personally here and kind of want to keep this anonymous for a bit.

    Wife and and I have been married for 15+ Years and have had the typical ups and downs of a marriage. Things have been on a downward spiral for a while. Tonight she threw out the idea of a seperation. I am fucking floored and a bit devastated.

    I have no idea what to do- i dont see anyway this doesnt end in a divorce if we seperate and that is something i never thought was a reality. Fuck! This is really happening to me- my parents got divorced and i never wanted to put my kids through that and here i am.
     
  8. Jigga

    Jigga Ty Webb is a mean person
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    Sorry man. What's been going on during the spiral
     
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  9. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    God damnit. Hate when this thread is bumped. :(
     
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  10. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    Honestly it just been a culmination of two people who are pretty driven in their careers and wanting different things. She travels alot for work, and i dont but have made some sacrifices to make sure one of us is home for the kids and their stuff. That and she has always been alot more social than i am, when she is home there is always a ton of work dinners, nights out with the girls and probably 2-3 girls weekends a year. Its gotten to the point where i feel like i am here to watch the kids and not have a life of my own so i have been pretty vocal about wanting that to change. And here i am.
     
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  11. Jigga

    Jigga Ty Webb is a mean person
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    That sucks. But it's also not a great way to live. I'm on the road 3 weeks a month most of the year so I make it a point when I'm home I'm home.

    If she's not willing to see things from your side and make you feel more like an equal there's an issue there. Obviously easy to say these things and not be living it especially with kids.
     
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  12. milquetoast

    milquetoast Firm Security
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    Seems like a separation is what you have already. Need more communication on what your shared values are and how you'll work to keep them strong. Any risk to suggesting counseling?
     
  13. Nole0515

    Nole0515 Well-Known Member
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    My childhood was pretty shitty especially in middle school and high school. My parents stayed together because of my sister and I. I'm almost positive my childhood would have been much better if they had divorced
     
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  14. High Cotton

    High Cotton Where does this fall in our Christian walk?
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    Mine did this and finally called it when I was 17. Divorce wasn't finalized for two more years after Dad got caught hiding money.
     
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  15. Max Harper

    Max Harper Well-Known Member

    Posting my story in here from another thread. This thread might be the more appropriate place for it now. Not technically divorce, but lived together and had a child. Story is pretty long, so I'll spoiler it. Just got to get things off my chest and on the off chance someone takes the time to read it, they might give me some words of encouragement. Hate to think that a female would be able to cause me to be down in the dumps like this, but so it goes. The story is long, but it all kind of needs to be said to understand the magnitude. If you know who I am because of this, don't be dumb and out me on TMB, please.

    Post 1(from may or june)

    Post 2-Some advice and me not taking it
    You're right, I dont want to hear it. I've told her many times that if she was just able to say the words "I choose you, let's do this" I'd forgive her for everything. I really think I could. A lot of our problems stemmed from Corie and me just being so close to her, which I've cut her out. I wouldn't ever let her on my phone, so she always thought I was hiding something, and I really wasn't, just didn't want her to go through old things and find something to get mad about. She's had my phone password for 6 months now. Then I think a lot of it was geographic. Where we were located, it was just a matter of time until she ran into someone from my past that would really bother her, like a girl I had slept with sometime. I don't live there anymore, and soon she wont either.
    Sucks that I trusted her so much. I live with a lot of regret now, because if I would have just called her out on the text message I saw in 2015, I could have put an end to her and this guy. She also had a snapchat screenshot of him saved on my computer (we shared it, she uploaded all of her pictures to mine), that I didnt even realize was there until just recently. So yeah, a bunch of regret for not being on top of this and ending it when the possibility to end it was there.
    To keep it short, I'm not going to find anyone close to where I moved, or in a 100 mile radius.
    Yeah. And part of this I signed up for. I knew she had a boyfriend, and I chose to move to her hometown with hopes that we'd gravitate back to each other. I've went 6 months without talking to any girls, keeping my dick in my pants (except when it came to her), and allowing her to get on my phone and computer. If I went 6 months, I've told myself I can probably wait 5 more weeks until she moves back here as well. Her parents house is 2 blocks down the street from where I live, and where she's moving into. Since I caught wind of her posting pictures with this guy and my daughter, I've finally opened up communication to other girls. A lot of it is just to pass the time. I'm sort of questioning if I should even be doing that, because again, I've done this for 6 months, what's 5 more weeks?
    If we have a 1% chance of working things out, or a .001% chance, I want to be able to tell my daughter that I did literally everything I could to work things out with her Mom. I think I'll be able to find a lot of peace with being able to say that.


    And today

    Started talking to a really good girl-hot, good job, etc, for about a month but recently broke it off because I just couldn't do it living where I'm at knowing that Olivia is moving back home to where I'm living next week. Olivia actually brought her boyfriend back for the 4th of July, and sure enough after he left we hooked up. Again. Hanging out with her was easy, something about being back home makes it easy for us. I dont know if I'm more upset because she's with him, or if I'm more upset about knowing my daughter is seeing this guy as Dad instead of me.

    I've threatened to tell her BF that we hooked up. She hangs it over my head and says if I tell him, she'll hate me and we'll never be together. If she's stringing me along just so that I dont tell him, that's pretty damn evil.

    I guess I just need more people to tell me I'm a dumbass. Not sure what the best route to take would be with custody and what not.
     
    #715 Max Harper, Jul 27, 2017
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2017
  16. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
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    This shit sounds toxic, man. I'm sure it's hard because y'all have a daughter but your happiness will always been compromised so long as you continue to fall back into this trap. Olivia sounds vindictive and it's unfair to you that she keeps you on the back burner
     
  17. MODEVIL

    MODEVIL Well-Known Member
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    Just focus on your relationship with your daughter. That's the most important thing. Don't sleep with her anymore. She's leading you on and there is too much baggage anyway. Don't tell her boyfriend.

    Move on but know you are always going to be connected to this person through your daughter.
     
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  18. Taffy

    Taffy Token Brit poster
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    This. You're too close to see it, but you are failsafe #1. She is having her cake and eating it, you are stuck not knowing whether you're coming or going.
    If it were the other way round, it would be cruel and manipulative - but because you're a bloke getting sex it's ok, but that's really not true.
     
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  19. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    Sort of but the seperatiin she suggested last night eas me moving out of the house. I have been in therapy for a about 2 years, its been great for me and probably has something to do with this situation because i have learned what makes me happy and how to go get it. That just is the polar opposite of what makes my wife happy- not sure marital counseling will help but yeah we are going to try that too.
     
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  20. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    I get it- mine divorced earlier than that and it fucked me up pretty good- although i have no idea if it would have fucked me up more if they stayed together.
     
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  21. Festus McBadass

    Festus McBadass Cool ass dog and 5 star recruit
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    Forgive me if I sound harsh Unknown Member , but to me it sounds like your wife is already acting like she is single. She already made up her mind and moved on. There is nothing you can do to salvage it. I don't know of any married couples that take 3-4 solo trips a year with their friends. Always having "work dinners," that sounds very suspicious to me. You might want to consider the fact that she's already sleeping with someone else.
     
  22. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    Yeah i know- trust me thats been on my mind as well.
     
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  23. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
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    Max Harper you need counseling and a lot of it. This girl treats you like her pet dog and you keep coming back for more with a smile. You need to take back control of your life. Hope it works out.
     
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  24. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    Just playing devil's advocate here, but multiple work dinners a week aren't uncommon in certain industries. I'm not saying it's right, given your family situation; just saying it's not unheard of and doesn't mean she's sleeping around.
     
  25. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
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    Unknown Member 2-3 girls trips a year and a ton of work dinners is a dead giveaway. None of that shit is ok if a marriage is on the rocks. She doesn't give a shit.
     
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  26. Homo Erectus

    Homo Erectus The important thing is, you think I'm attractive
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    All the time apart & having her own social life without you doesnt necessarily mean she is cheating, but it definitely means she is checked out of the relationship and is just interested in herself.
    If she hasn't cheated yet she has thought about it and may even have a guy in mind.
    The separation gives her moral high ground needed to do so.
     
    #726 Homo Erectus, Jul 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2017
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  27. LetItSoak

    LetItSoak Well-Known Member
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    Why are you trying to marry someone who has cheated on you and every other guy she has dated? Ho =/= housewife
     
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  28. Frank Martin

    Frank Martin tough love makes better posters
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    Seriously, why haven't you just married corrie yet?
     
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  29. Moxin24

    Moxin24 Show me that smile
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    I don't think I've never seen a situation where a guy thought his gf/wife might be cheating and she wasn't. Most people try and hide their cheating, if she's giving you enough cause to suspect it she's definitely doing it.
     
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  30. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    I feel so bad for you dude, but everyone else is right, you need to start thinking of yourself and your daughter. She is checked out, whether she is cheating on you or not, she doesn't want to be with you, but she doesn't want to be alone, so she is keeping you on a string.

    Its the hardest thing in the world to do, but you absolutely must write her off and start thinking of your life moving forward with your daughter. You will never be rid of Olivia completely as you have to co-parent, but as long as you let her keep controlling you with sex, you will never be able to move on. Girls don't change with time or distance or anything else, so you need to change yourself and your mind. I know you want to try to make it work, but from what I read you have given all you can, and your daughter will understand that.

    Since you are not married, that simplifies things, but because you have a child together, you need to think immediately about protecting your custody of the child. See my other posts about how to do that, but to sum it up, go see an attorney and have a parenting plan drawn up, discuss your rights and how to move forward in a non-married situation, and follow up their advice to the letter. Nothing has to get nasty, just going to an attorney isn't a hostile move, but you must protect your rights because no one else will do it for you. I'm begging you to do this before its too late.
     
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  31. Lefthook

    Lefthook token Oregon State fan
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    If he was into Corrie at all, they would have hooked up a long time ago. She's obviously into him, though.
     
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  32. HatterasJack

    HatterasJack Is your refrigerator running? It's Mike Hunt.
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    I agree with the rest of your post and think every option should be tried before divorce. And getting a divorce for selfish, bullshit reasons like finding a new fling will certainly cause unnecessary harm. But the types of "sacrificing" are very different. The general type of parental sacrificing is some vacations, sleep at night, financial goals, etc in exchange for the joy they receive from their children. The other is sacrificing your sanity, well being and self respect in order to cling to the hopes that it is better for the children to stay in a broken marriage. And in some cases it might be. But those sacrifices are on completely different levels.
     
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  33. CF3234

    CF3234 Fan of: Bandwagons
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    this. Oliva needs to become his daughter's mother and nothing else. You treat her with respect because she gave birth to his child but that is it. Stay away from her unless it is a matter concerning his kid.
     
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  34. Moxin24

    Moxin24 Show me that smile
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    I have no doubt that being married to a person you aren't in love with is harder than giving up your Ravens season tickets so Junior can have a college fund. And by no means did I mean that people who hate each other should just stick around for the kids. What I mean is that BOTH parents have a responsibility, once they realize how the feel (or don't feel) about each other, to stop and have a civil conversation. Do they love their kids enough to treat each other with respect? Do they love their kids enough that they don't need to go chasing some romantic notion of true love with someone else? Do they love their kids enough to create a stable environment for their children to grow up?

    It only takes one of them to be a piece of shit and prevent all of that happening. If dad would rather chase cocktail waitresses than provide a stable home for kids, that's the way it is. If mom needs to "find herself" more than she needs her kids to grow up with a mom and a dad, than there's nothing anyone can do about that.

    What people, understandably, don't want to admit is that most* divorces are products of selfishness. I'm not happy, I want to be happy. I don't think that emotion is unreasonable but we're at the point where people are almost encouraged to make their goal, and it shouldn't be.

    Maybe what I should have said is that you have an obligation as a parent to not let your marriage get to the point where divorce is seriously considered. It doesn't happen overnight (unless we're talking infidelity), its a process. One of the smartest people I've known irl told me the best way to be a good father was to be a good husband. After nine years of marriage and six years as a dad I don't think I've never gotten a better piece of advice.

    *Yes, some divorces happen because women are fleeing abusive husbands or someone is a raging alcoholic and its done in the best interest of the children. But that's not most.
     
  35. REGGNECK

    REGGNECK You wanna know what I been down , DONT BOTHER ME
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    Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks...
     
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  36. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    Jack Parkman H/T how are things going guys? Was thinking about y'all, just wanted to check in.
     
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  37. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    How goes the house search dude?
     
  38. H/T

    H/T Top 3 Swansea City AFC Poster
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    I am great man. Legally separated at this point and trying to live the American dream.

    I feel good about everything because I said what I needed to say to her and I'm good now. Life without my wife or coming home alone is definitely become the norm and I've very much gotten used to it.

    Thanks for asking.
     
  39. Jack Parkman

    Jack Parkman Endorsed by Fred McGriff
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    Things progressing well.

    We've separated the finances
    She's been living with a friend and should be moving into her new house next week
    She bought herself a new car so she no longer uses mine
    She said once she moves into her new place, gets a new car etc and "lands on her feet" she will be willing to sign the papers
    That part I'm praying goes smoothly

    Onto myself I've met a great girl who is gorgeous, hardly drinks, has her own house/car etc and good job. She went through a similar situation a year ago with her ex husband so she's been helping me emotionally and keeping me happy during the process.
     
  40. Cheshire Bridge

    Cheshire Bridge 2017 & 2019 National Champions - Clemson Tigers
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    Happy for you. Keep it up!
     
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  41. boone

    boone Destination Unknown
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    So what youre saying is she gives great head? Enjoy it.
     
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  42. Jack Parkman

    Jack Parkman Endorsed by Fred McGriff
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    [​IMG]
     
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  43. boone

    boone Destination Unknown
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    only been married 4 years got the 2 kids, house yadda yadda. the thought of going through a divorce is gut wrenching. Factoring in kids must be earth shattering. Some of you guys have brass balls reading these stories.
     
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  44. boone

    boone Destination Unknown
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    side note, divorced broads, in my experience, are sexually charged sluts that are down for whatever, whenever and wherever.
     
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  45. Jack Parkman

    Jack Parkman Endorsed by Fred McGriff
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    [​IMG]
     
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  46. WhiskeyDelta

    WhiskeyDelta Well-Known Member
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    I've got a place which I like, and its pet friendly (with a deposit and pet rent). I'm still figuring out my budget here though. Moving back here cut my paycheck by about $400/m.

    Once I get comfortable I'll def let you know. Do you get many dogs that could deal with 12hr shifts? I don't want to torture this animal if I'm gone all day.
     
  47. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
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    No worries man, I wasn't thinking about the dog really, was just checking to see how things were going.

    We could definitely find a dog that is lower energy and can deal with longer absences, it would always be good to have 3 or 4 days in a row to be home with it in the beginning to help it get into a pattern, or someone that could look in on them during the day, but there's enough dogs out there that we could find the right one for you.
     
  48. Unknown Member

    Unknown Member Active Member

    Well couples counseling starts on the 21st. Homelife has been rather odd- been getting along but you can cut the tension with a knife. I have little hope that this counseling will work- i am the only one who sees a problem and she thinks the issues are all in me. Good times
     
    oldberg, ramszoolander and REGGNECK like this.
  49. Taffy

    Taffy Token Brit poster
    Donor

    How do you do, chaps?
     
    One Knight likes this.
  50. One Knight

    One Knight https://www.twitch.tv/thatrescueguy
    Donor
    UCF KnightsTampa Bay LightningBig 12 Conference

    No complaints, how are things?
     
    Taffy likes this.