I mean he told me they almost called off the engagement. So sometime in the past year. They'd been in DC for around 2 years. So I'm not sure if they had started cheating before the engagement, but I don't think my friend would have proposed if he had suspicions before then.
My sister was trying to set me up with someone recently. She starts off "well she's young and attractive" and I was like "let me stop you right there"
Well, gonna go the collaborative divorce route on this - basically we both hire attorneys that have been trained in this, & it’s basically a sit down to go through things since neither of us want a bloodbath to settle everything. Mentally & emotionally I’m good with it, I’ve been processing/prepping myself for this for a while now, although I’m sure I’ll still have a few moments that my therapist will help me work through. I know I’ll be fine, so I’m just looking forward to getting through this & getting it over with.
You can use this thread and if you end up getting divorced go back and change all your posts to red IIRC
sounds fair. Been officially separated for about 2 months now. Married 4 years, 2 kids, house, car.... the whole family things. Found out by accident (divine intervention maybe) that my wife at very least hooked up (made out) with a mutual person (not Kip). I found out because her FB was left open on our laptop, I was doing something and a convo box with her and the person stating how excited she was and how comfortable she feels w/ said person. This was the middle/end to March. A few months passed. Tried to work it out but our fights and my anger towards her has grown. I left as to not have any random fights start around the kids (2 and 6). We have not talked divorce. We saw a counselor and her take was that my spouse is severely damaged from past relationships and life experiences, which was somewhat known but she handles life very well. My wife is a really strong person but lately especially after having a newborn and her shift to being stay at home mom, I think has played into her searching for attention elsewhere. As of now I've been living in a one bedroom apt, its a friend that hooked it up so its month to month and Im not getting raped (on rent). I come home everynight to see then kids then I basically I leave. Its bizarre, nothing has really changed on the surface, but underneath, all trust is gone and for me, I know how I am, that's gonna be tough for her to get back. Im 38 with 2 kids. Falling in love with my spouse for a second time was not really on my agenda. While I don't believe that they fucked, from what I read in the conversation (in real time) led me to believe that something did happen and there was a definite desire for more. Shit sucks. Never thought my wife would be the one to fuck up this way but here I am.
Pull the phone records. Has she still been talking to him? Anyone else? Ask her for her fb password. Make sure it was just a one time thing. If she doesn't give it to your and be comes really defensive, let her know that you're heading to a divorce unless you can have assurance that it was just a slip up. She broken your trust and you don't trust her to not cover her tracks if she comes back later ready to accept your offer. You need the info now. You'll have a really tough decision once she declines your offer.
IMO once there is even a hint of infidelity, it is impossible to ever trust that person again. You will always be suspicious of every little thing.
sorry it's happening but you will be better off in the long run. Now here is some good advice. Don't cave on things just because you want to be the martyr. If your attorney is advising you that something is a bad move for you, he/she is probably right.
I know the feeling man - if nothing else, get yourself a therapist if you don’t already have one. Having someone to talk to about it helps a ton.
Oh for sure, I want as equitable of a settlement as possible, so I’m not planning on dying on any hills during this process...I’ve already dealt with her shit long enough, not doing it anymore, especially during this process.
This isn't really a divorce story but I didn't know where else to put it. I had a female friend from high school who got married this weekend and I attended the wedding with my fiancee. She had previously been engaged and broke it off a couple of weeks before the wedding and then quickly moved to Washington DC. After being in DC a year or so, she told everyone she was dating this new guy she was getting married to this weekend. She wouldn't explain to any of us from back home what happened with the first engagement or how she met the new guy, just that it was a long story. Well, at the wedding, her dad made a toast and pretty much came out and told the story of how she "met" her new husband on her bachelorette cruise and then broke off her first engagement after she got back from the cruise and moved to DC to be with him but didn't tell anyone about it and said it was for a job. He said he found that romantic because his wife had been engaged when they met and apparently that ended similarly. Everyone who grew up with these people and thought they were a pretty conservative bunch were sitting around looking at each other making this face:
I will have to defer that question to my fiancee as she handles these matters. The wedding was in Charleston and they live in DC, so she had it delivered and I never saw it.
I was smart enough to take screen shots and video of the conversation as it was unfolding. She was on her phone at the time but I was downstairs seeing it all on the laptop. That was the end of March. Time passed and I was up and down about things, same with her. Shes definitely sorry. Don't know how shes sorry however. Things escalated again a little over a month later when I heard her talking to our neighbor (whos a cheating whore in her own right) downstairs, while I was upstairs. Something to the affect that the dude came into her work, shes a Vet Tech. This sent me off the rails. I know she has no control over who comes into her place of business but its just not a good look.
We saw someone already, going again this Sunday. The therapist heard us out, very non judgemental which I liked but after hearing about my spouse and her past, she basically said that she wants some one-on-one time with Mrs. Boone. I think she understands that Im pretty hurt and sensitive to the situation. Especially since I didn't do anything to really "deserve" the situation Ive been given. Im open to the therapy regardless of whether I think it will change my feelings. I think Ive been very fair in the whole scenario. My daughter is 2 and doesn't know any different. My son, hes 6 but he kind of understands that I have been living somewhere else and he gets to hang out which he loves. The longer this goes on however the more I'm going to just want to stay the course. I feel my wife at this point need to do a total 180 before I can even consider giving things another try. Its crazy once someone really fucks up, everything is thrown under the microscope.
I think most men feel this way. Im a total family guy, my kids and wife were/are my life and I was planning on being in that mindset for the next 15 years. This just fucks up the whole situation and now my focus is completely on the kids and shes just a business partner for lack of a better term.
Oh crap. You saw this real time? Today, do you feel it was a one time thing? What'd she say when you asked her about the dude going to her job?
Yeah.. its was total Twilight Zone. I went right upstairs and confronted her. She lied right off the bat then I showed her the Laptop and it was game over for her. Felt like an elephant kicked me right in the guts. Literal drop your knees in agony. Today...yeah I think it was a one time thing. I think the guy pretty much played the shit out of her and maybe she was feeling weak. Whatever the fuck that means. Im so beat up because I met the guy, he was in my house our kids played and so on so I thought friends only. I'm pissed that he went to her job and she didn't say anything and I found out through more whispers. But what can I do? Its not her business and they cant turn him away, but its a dick move on his part. He doesn't have to go to that animal hospital. She says she blocked him from everything but Im not the type to snoop her phone. Now its almost like, Im still hurt but I'm starting to feel like I'm moving on. Or at least moving on enough to accept where Im at right now. Im not using this as an excuse to start a Tinder acct and fuck broads.
I've known of multiple instances where a girl was engaged and still texting one of my buddies flirtatiously the day before the wedding. People be trifling af
You need to be the type to snoop around. Get those phone records man. What if you see that she's been 'clean' for 4/5 months and is in counseling trying everything to make it work? Don't worry about the other scenario yet....id hope for the best.
As someone that recently went through some similar shit, this times a million...if she wants to still be with you, make her earn your trust back.
Getting phone records will be next to impossible since shes on a plan with her brother and sisters. Been that way for years now. the only documentation I do have is on the FB. To keep my self in a positive light I pay half of everything in the house and I write her a personal check so I have records. We've been civil and not much has changed other than we don't fuck and I don't sleep there. She tried a few booty calls and I called her out on that with the therapist. Therapist agrees its not a good idea to be sexually intimate during this time. For me, its impossible to be intimate.
Went to a bachelor party a few weeks ago. One of my friends there told me he and some friends went to Vegas one time and they met a bachelorette party and kicked with them all weekend. His one friend ended up dating and then marrying the bachelorette.
Don't "snoop around" on your own. You'll inevitably fuck it up and (1) show your hand or (2) get it in a way that it won't be admissible in court. Basically, everything Trop just said is awful advice. Talk to an attorney. He/she can line up an investigator and subpoenas to get the information that you need if it comes to that. It's also not a terrible idea to get all your ducks in a row in case something else happens. You can even use him to set up a separation agreement to keep her from changing the narrative later. Also, talk to a therapist. Use one for both of you and one for each of you. It can make a huge difference.
I was going off the assumption that they had a joint phone plan and getting the phone logs was as simple as going online and checking their account. Agree with you that acquiring something he doesn't have access to his own way will inevitably go badly for him.
It doesn't really matter to my point. None of what you said was good advice in any scenario. Telling somebody who you don't know that "the trust will never come back" is fucking asinine when there are professionals who help people do just that every day.
Just an update - have picked out my lawyer & should sign the paperwork & pay the retainer in the next week or so. I thought I was doing well but the last 5-6 days or so, I’ve been having a bitch of time dealing with emotions, feeling guilt, & like a lot of this is my fault because I wasn’t there emotionally for so long. Nothing really triggered it, it just started unraveling in my mind - I guess I’ve been compartmentalizing more than I thought & just now realized it. Been seeing my therapist every other week but going tonight to help get this shit out of my head & figure out how to make sense of it.
Its great that you have the therapist available when you need them, these days are definitely going to pop up out of nowhere and you won't even know what caused them most of the time. Give yourself time and space to process the feelings, don't feel bad or weak about having them, and they will start to fade a little in time.
I want to be careful how I word this because I don't think it is good to have irrational feelings of guilt, but I think is a good thing to engage in appropriate (as dictated by your circumstances) reflection on the things you did or didn't do that contributed to this situation. Even if most would objectively agree your wife's actions caused the pending divorce, there are valuable lessons you can learn to make your future relationships more successful and gratifying. Glad to hear you have a professional you can talk with about these things.
No problem, that’s basically what I talked to my therapist about last night....I wasn’t necessarily feeling just straight up guilt, but moreso reflections on the things I wish I could do differently, and how to learn from it so I don’t make the same mistakes in future relationships.
Not about this - we’re both still in the house though, so I talk to her every day about our son or other things, but things at home haven’t been hostile or anything like that.
About like me - she’s sad about it, but we both know it’ll be for the best because this clearly hasn’t been working for quite a while, and we don’t want our son to grow up seeing his parents in a toxic relationship every day. Edit: this is coming from what she’s said in couples counseling, but we haven’t seen our couples therapist in a few weeks.
Yeah I know - buddy from college that got divorced about a year & a half ago said having days like this is normal, so don’t make yourself feel bad for having a day like that here & there through this process.