TMB sponsors children's soccer jerseys

The TMB Killdozer machine keeps rolling. Today featured a 9-1 victory with a sprinkle of unique drama:

Before the game started, the opposing team was trying to intimidate us a little bit because they were super-disciplined in warm-up drills, and then started doing a bunch of pushups and sit-ups in front of us in unison. My kids are pointing over at them and saying, "Coach, look at those guys. They're doing exercises!" I tell my kids not to worry about what other teams do, just worry about what we do. Then my boys all started hopping up and down in unison and getting loose.

The kids play two 25-minute halves, with a break after each quarter. By the end of the first quarter we were up 4-1, and the one goal they scored was kind of fluky because I have a great keeper and it just sort of slipped through his hands and barely crossed the line. I give my top 3 kids a rest at the quarter mark, and we still scored two more for a 6-1 halftime lead. At halftime, the ref asks me to please tell my kids to quit scoring too much because the opponent is getting frustrated, so I pull all my good players to defense, bench a couple more good players and let the backups in up front. They immediately score 2 more goals. Now the ref scolds me and says he's not going to allow any more goals from us. The guy that runs the league stops by on his golf cart to see what's up and he sees my best players are all benched and it's my bench kids who are scoring, so he knows I'm not trying to be a dick. He just asks me to tell the kids once again to quit scoring. Now my kids don't know what to do, so basically every time they get the ball they just kick it forward or out of bounds.

The opposing coach then comes to me and says, "Look, I see what you're trying to do, but this is even more embarrassing than losing 15-1. Our kids feel like your kids are just toying with them now. Go ahead and let them loose and just let them score. They'll understand." The ref hears this and gets into a shouting match with that coach because he thinks it's more demoralizing to lose by 15. The coach yells back at the ref, who tells him to take it up with the head of the league. The next play I tell my kids to ahead and just play and my top striker scores like 15 seconds later. The ref then calls the game like 5 minutes early because it's just a slaughter.

Team TMB stands at 5-0 with 33 goals for and only 3 against.

 

Lol what the fuck is all this bollocks?

 

Yeah, but how many of your players return the shopping cart?

 

It's a rec league, and even though it's supposed to have fairly distributed talent each season there's always a couple of teams that are stacked. These teams are only as good as their lowest rated players because each kid is required to play at least 50% of the game. This is the first year I've coached where my "lowest" rated player is still a pretty good player, which means that when substitutions happen the opponents get noticeably weaker while my kids remain at full strength. Plus, the top 5 kids (including Tib, Jr.) are savages so they have manhandled the other teams' top lineups so far. The league stresses that they don't want total non-competitive blowouts. In part it's because there's one coach -- a British chap, no less -- who always has one of the top two teams, and he's been known to run up scores of like 15-0 routinely. They don't want that.

 

Best $20 I’ve ever spent.

 

LMAO, they looked the part but folded when we scored 30 seconds into the game.

 

Like Georgia Tech teach chop blocks?

 

Are they at the point where you can impose a passing requirement on scoring, or just insist that said requirement *is* the scoring? Might be a little more palatable than just booting the ball oob?
...That situp warmup shit is hilarious though.

 

El Tiburon these game write ups are very entertaining to read.

 

How many games are left? I feel our guys should just be hitting their stride and getting ready for the tough games. Have you ever thought about starting the studs on defense and just shutting the other team down and let the scrubs score first, just completely demoralize a team by not being able to score and just when they think it couldn't get any worse, you unleash the big dogs and let them hunt.

 

Sounds very wholesome

 

I tried implementing the passing requirement and the boys shot it down. They were mad. One kid tells me, “What do you mean I can’t score? Isn’t that the whole point of the game?”

 

There’s about 8 regular season games left, then the playoffs start. The playoffs are 3-4 rounds depending on your seeding and it’s double elimination until the final.

I prefer the scorers to start on offense first because if they get a good lead the bench kids can play more minutes without any pressure.

 

Too early to start invincibles talk?

 

smh americans

 

Ok hold on, Im lost now. So your son is not on the TMB team? or he is and you gonna join the shitty team? Or you're joking. Why are we concerned about this shitty team or the british wankers team? I gotta keep up with our boys and make sure they bring home the ship.

 

Gotcha

 

Tonight, Dem TMB Boyz took the field again for a rousing rematch against Bayern Munich. This was the same team we beat 4-0 in the second game of the season, and the opponent took the field with hate in their eyes and an unquenchable thirst for revenge. They were revved up, laser focused, and bent on proving their mettle.

Bayern Munich had possession to start the game and proceeds to easily take the ball downfield for a scoring threat. We get lucky to neutralize it on the attempted cross because the other team was offsides. After a long kick downfield, TMB's mighty striker gets past the defense and scores. A few minutes later, Bayern Munich kicks the ball out of bounds, and Tib, Jr., sees a gap in the defense where he makes a perfectly timed throw in over the defender's head that our striker catches up to in stride and knocks home another goal. Just as it looks like we might cruise to victory, Munich gets a corner kick on our end. The ball is crossed to where Tib, Jr. is standing and he knees it forcefully forward. Unfortunately, his teammate has his back to the ball and it hits said teammate square in the back and rebounds backwards for an own goal. Now it's 2-1 and Munich is feeling like they're in this.....and that, friends, is where the wheels came off. Team TMB proceeds to rattle off 7 unanswered goals. Munich threatened two more times, but one of those was crushed by Tib, Jr., and the other was crushed by his other defensive teammate.

Team TMB improves to 6-0 for the season and is now at 42 goals for and only 4 goals against (two of which are own goals). On to Saturday, boys!

 

How many of your goals against are own-goals? At least two I think.

 

Yes, two. My son was unfortunately involved in both, though tonight was more on his teammate.

 

Sooner or later an example needs to be made of this, sounds like he’s the opponents best player most of the time. Are we sure jigga hasn’t gotten to him. Maybe some free fortnite bucks.

 

Ha! I’ll recap shortly. Been a busy weekend because of my daughter’s birthday.

 

I will first address the aforementioned talking to referenced by Jigga :

Before yesterday's game, I was chatting on the field during warm-ups with the lovely Mrs. Jigga, who does a shit ton of work to make the league possible. We were shooting the shit about the season and about Jigga, Jr.'s, involvement with a a team that desperately needed a talent infusion when the guy that runs the league rolls up and joins the conversation. He proceeds to confront me kind of angrily and tells me that if Team TMB blows out another team, he's going to disqualify us from the playoffs. This catches me off guard because while it's true that our group is a lot more talented than most of the other teams, I really haven't been a dick to the overmatched opponents. Once I get up by 5 scores I pull back my top line and give a chance to the bench kids to play up front. I can't help it if those bench kids -- who never have a chance to score -- keep scoring when games are out of hand. He dismisses my concerns and tells me that three other coaches have called to complain about me, with one coach claiming that he had kids quit the team because our team beat them too badly. Sounds like bullshit, but whatever. I even reminded him that in seasons past I have been on the receiving end of several 10-0 ass kickings and never even contemplated complaining to the league because I'm not a pussy. He again waves me off and just storms off.

Before the game, I inform my team that because we beat this particular opponent 7-2 the first time, we need to rein in our performance and not blow them out. My kids start bitching at me about how that's bullshit, and I explained to them that we really didn't want to risk missing the playoffs. Turns out it didn't matter because my top 3 scorers all also play travel basketball and played earlier in the morning, so they were pretty tired at the time of our game. Their effort level was way low and they kind of half-assed it most of the game. After going up only 2-1 at halftime, the opponent scored early in the second half to draw even at 2-2. They started feeling emboldened until one of their kids made a really dumb decision to catch the ball in their own box and give us a PK. Unfortunately, the kid who shot the PK for us kicked it wide left and the opponent really started feeling confident. That's when my top striker, Lamont, decided to snap out of it and took over. He proceeded to score 2 goals in the next few minutes. Then we iced it with with 5th goal in the fourth quarter to pull off the 5-2 win.

A funny story about Lamont. He's a pretty big kid, built thick and very fast. A great kid and hard worker, but he's super intense and super competitive. The other team had a kid named Joey who was their best player. I know who Joey is because he goes to Tib, Jr's, school and in the same grade. Joey is a fucking dickhead. He has ADHD and makes it worse by being super spazzy and being a shit talker. He also is a dirty as fuck player who spent 90% of the game pushing Lamont, pulling his jersey, trying to trip him and generally grabbing him and being a pest. Lamont was clearly growing frustrated and you could see he was starting to brood during the game. In the 4th quarter, Lamont was chasing down a ball when Joey comes running at him full speed with the intention of taking him out. The problem for Joey is Lamont saw it coming, lowered his shoulder and fucking blasted him right in the middle of the chest knocking him clean on his ass. Then Lamont did a version of the Ali standing over his opponent, but without actually talking shit because Lamont isn't a talker. He got called for the foul and lectured by the ref. But after the game I pulled Lamont aside and told him I had zero problem with what he did. Joey fucked around and found out.

Team TMB improves to 7-0 with 47 goals for and 6 goals against for the season. The next two opponents are weak, but Sunday we have our showdown with one of the other two teams in the league who have been blowing everyone out. It should be the first real test for both teams.

 

Hell yeah Lamont fuck’em up.

 

That's a damned handsome man.

 

It was a workman-like performance out there for Team TMB tonight, boys. I knew this game would be bittersweet because my son's best friends plays for the opponent (Manchester City), and I also knew going in that Manchester City isn't very good. Add to that the threat of being DQ'd from the playoffs if we just rolled them, and we kept things pretty chill.

Team TMB went up quickly 2-0 in the first 10 minutes and the lead stretched to 4-0 by halftime. I started moving the kids around to give the bench players a little more burn and they notched two goals, too, to add to another that one of the starters put in at the start of the second half. It was a 7-0 result, but somehow didn't feel like we dominated. Like I said, workman-like.

Team TMB improves to 8-0 with 54 goals for and 6 goals against. We play Atletico Madrid on Saturday, and they just lost for the first time today to the team we beat 5-2 last game. So they're coming in at 7-1 and hungry, and I was told Lamont won't be there for the Saturday game. I'm still not worried because I have enough firepower even without him.

 

Did Lamont fuck anyone up?

 

Actually, he did. Early in the game there was a loose ball in the box and the goalie made the foolish decision to come out and attack it just as Lamont was lining up to drill it. The goalie caught a Lamont foot in the ribs, then fell down awkwardly and twisted his ankle. Needless to say, the goalie never confronted Lamont again.

 

That El Tiburon or one of the children, I couldn’t tell because he is so wee.

 

My assistant coach is, like, 6'11".

 

Lamont have a 529 plan? I’ll put $20 toward that, too.

 

Real dedication would be suit and tie tbh

 

You missed out where I also rocked a bright yellow Pura Vida bracelet, too.

That's it. Saturday I'll wear a full suit, bright yellow tie and a fedora.