Corporate Speak Thread_2024-01_Finalv11-GB.PPTX

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Gin Buckets, May 6, 2015.

  1. TC

    TC Peter, 53, from Toxteth
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    [​IMG]
     
  2. hood b. goode

    hood b. goode thats what i love about these HS chicks, man
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    Calling a team meeting "all hands" is low key annoying

    INTERNAL: Client X ALL HANDS - Meeting to Align on Status
     
  3. goblue31602

    goblue31602 Well-Known Member
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    Hired a new guy from a bigger company, he keeps sending emails about team huddles. Ready to punch him.
     
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  4. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Ive never seen All Hands refer to anything smaller than the entire company.

    So I'd call that just annoying for a team. Not just low key annoying.
     
  5. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Need to cross post

    Stankey has a PhD in Corp-Speak
     
  6. TC

    TC Peter, 53, from Toxteth
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    Also, I guess that particular phrase originated in sailing (all hands on deck), but "hand" can have some pretty bad connotations in other contexts. Prob not the best thing to call employees
     
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  7. slogan119

    slogan119 Her?
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    The coronavirus stuff is walking a fine line between preparedness and panic in our org
     
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  8. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia Thought Leader in Posting
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    my step-dad retired at the end of 2019 from AT&T after 47 years as an engineer, and he was holding out for a voluntary layoff package to sweeten his deal but they weren't doing layoffs, so he pulled the trigger. Should have waited another couple of months I guess.
     
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  9. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    That's surprising. I'm a cricket and they were given out packages to a bunch of folks
     
  10. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    Is that why there’s never any laughter after your jokes? Boom roasted.
     
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  11. DriveByBBQ

    DriveByBBQ Well-Known Member
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    “Confi” “Con-Fee” as an abbreviation for confidentiality agreement.

    “We’re going to need you to sign a confi before we can send that over”

    :blowup:
     
  12. BayouMafia

    BayouMafia Thought Leader in Posting
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    [​IMG]
     
  13. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Sorry, Duck only.
     
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  14. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    We all use NDA. ITs quicker and doesn’t make us sound like a douche.
     
  15. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    [​IMG]
     
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  16. DriveByBBQ

    DriveByBBQ Well-Known Member
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    Most of my colleagues are late gen x or boomers and tech illiterate. Really like my coworkers and job but they use excel like it’s really fancy paper.

    - Hard coded stuff galore and formula usage begins and ends with ‘sum’.

    - No use of date functions, they manually type in months for a 5 year schedule...it’s crazy.

    - most excel workbooks have less than 5 sheets.

    - No concept of version control and will save a new copy of the file every time they touch it. [Filename]v.12 will have a more recent time stamp than v.15. Drives me insane.

    - can’t comprehend the merits of version history on sharepoint, saving multiple copies in sharepoint.

    - create new folders like they’re paid by the folder...ran properties on our server and the file to folder ratio is 4 to 1. Four fucking files per folder. Four. So many empty folders. Stop making folders for the love of god.

    - The file paths are off the rails; I counted 14 file paths to access one doc. 28 clicks to open a file. Spend all day navigating to their shit, no quick access pins.

    - print everything to hard copy, just crushing reams of paper.
     
  17. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
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    lol I said this exact thing as I was reading it. Good on you.
     
  18. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    I worked with someone once who was probably in her mid-50s and was tasked with some data entry in excel. She stopped what she was doing to tell me that she “ran out of lines” and didn’t know what to do.
     
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  19. tjsblue

    tjsblue I was right at the time
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    I used to be a cricket
     
  20. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Yeah it's crazy. I feel kinda bad for some of these ppl. Thier job is 40hrs of painful excel updates then some whipper snapper comes in, take 1 day to write a macro and your entire job is automated.

    I had an intern do this for me and they ended up firing the guy. Kid felt bad.

    Welcome to business kid, fuck that boomer.
     
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  21. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint The future is a benevolent black hole
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    I work primarily with two older Gen X’ers. The shared drive we have is a disaster. Folders upon pointless folders, things in places they clearly don’t belong. I’ve been here four months and it’s a daily hunt to find anything anytime I need a new item. It clearly doesn’t even work for my boss as he just sorts through folders and has no idea where shit is.

    Excel workbooks just get rolled forward year to year (some for 20+ years) with awful formatting, hard coded cells impossible to tell where important numbers came from, etc. It’s absolutely maddening at times.

    We also keep hard paper copies of everything and the company is apparently too cheap to get us a decent version of Acrobat to edit things. In the past two weeks there have been multiple occasions I had to use 25+ year old correction tape to “edit” out something.

    They hired me with the idea I will eventually take over the U.S. department. There are going to have to be so many changes to bring things up to the modern day if I stay long enough to be in the position to get them executed.
     
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  22. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    I bet they have merged cells all over the fucking place like cavemen.

    Jesus fucking heathens
     
  23. Sub-Zero

    Sub-Zero ALL THE TOSTITOS!!!
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    Ever since we moved to G Suite I don't organize much of anything or at least not further than maybe 2 folders in. Even all of my random ass shared files just sit unorganized on my Google drive but since we are all reasonably good at search we haven't had too many issues finding things.
     
  24. Jimmy the Saint

    Jimmy the Saint The future is a benevolent black hole
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    I just wish I could talk them into saving PDF's instead of paper to start and go from there. Part of this is the result of, and I quote as my boss told me like day 2 or 3 on the job, "we don't have the space to handle that." I think there's a fundamental disconnect somewhere I'll eventually discover. We're a $1B+ revenue company, I think we can come up with some space to electronically save documents.

    It's not all bad though. They pay extremely well and I work well below what would be considered normal hours in my field. If I have to manually white out some numbers and crush reams of paper it beats working Saturdays for 1/3 of the year.
     
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  25. Redav

    Redav One big ocean
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    I keep a lot of paths to folders pinned in quick access. It's fucking insane the number of folders you have to open to get to one file you need.

    Financial svcs/finances/John Smith/share/share 2020/Fiscal Year/FY/FY2020/v 2.0/by entity/entity name

    Then your computer takes a shit and you spend an entire day trying to figure out how to back to all your stuff..
     
  26. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    His company's so outdated they're still on SharePoint.
     
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  27. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    What’s the alternative?
     
  28. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    Uh, MS Excel. Ever heard of it??
     
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  29. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Microsoft excel is not an alternative file sharing program. HTH
     
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  30. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    I was clearly not serious, goose.
     
  31. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Your joke sucked then
     
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  32. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! No longer a cog in some powerhouse machine
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    :tebow:
     
  33. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    Google drive, unless you’re on some faster cloud based sharepoint version
     
  34. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    Ours isn’t terrible. We used to use a network drive. Honestly that worked well but it was a pain because you had to be on VPN if you weren’t in the office which is me 50% of the time. Sharepoint you don’t have to so it’s been an upgrade for me.

    I’ve never used google drive in an enterprise setting so I’m curious how it works. We also have a lot of great dashboards in sharepoint
     
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  35. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    It'a got some pluses to it and depending on IT can add in plugins to make things easier like automatically downloading files from enterprise Gmail to shared drive. I still don't like Sheets as much as Excel but it's easier to share and can see and track changes and version history easier since a spreadsheet can be one live file.
     
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  36. Where Eagles Dare

    Where Eagles Dare The Specialist Show On Earth
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    Boo MFer, more like Boomer MFer
     
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  37. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    We are pushing a bunch of clients we work with on the IT side to Office 365 with OneDrive as their primary storage location. It works well enough that we have had a couple ransomware attacks and while the machine was fucked, it wasn’t able to spread to the OneDrive. So we wiped the machine and setup OneDrive and all the files synced.

    It’s a shitload cheaper than Sharepoint for most clients as well.
     
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  38. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    As I mentioned above, MS is taking all the GSuite ideas and baking them into Office 365. For those who don’t like the google suite of products, it’s a win win.

    The only thing I don’t like is the auto save. You have to check versions and shit. I save a lot of blank templates and if you open one and start working on it, it will auto save on the original instead of letting me finish and then hit “Save As...”
     
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  39. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    We have that too but nobody really uses it
     
  40. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    We’re a project based organization so they’re basically trying to push Teams and sharepoint on everyone. With that being said damn you’re right we should be using one drive
     
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  41. Goose

    Goose Hi
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    They claim the sharpoint allows you to capture “metadata” but I have no clue what the fuck that means or how to apply it for the better
     
  42. Doc Louis

    Doc Louis Well-Known Member
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    That sounds like something that should be able to be changed in Windows settings somewhere even if it's not a setting in office itself.
     
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  43. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    Tbh I like the sharepoint office webapps for sharing and live editing.
     
  44. DriveByBBQ

    DriveByBBQ Well-Known Member
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    you can collaborate in real time on sharepoint in any of the Office 365 apps; excel, word etc...
     
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  45. ono

    ono Well-Known Member
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    The office 365/OneDrive combo is miles better than Gsuite IMO.
     
  46. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    One thing to note; teams is drastically different than Slack and I like Slack better.

    Teams is threaded. Kind of like Reddit. Where you have to “reply” to a message. If you just type into the comment field it starts a new “thread”. Then if someone replies to the original thread it gets moved down and the sequencing gets out of order.

    It’s hilarious when people don’t understand it and spend a year using it and still don’t get it.
     
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  47. THF

    THF BITE THE NUTS, THUMB IN THE ASS!
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    I am sure it’s there I just have been lazy and haven’t looked.
     
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  48. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    I don’t use teams in teams I just use it for chat and group chat. Fuck the rest of that noise.
     
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  49. DriveByBBQ

    DriveByBBQ Well-Known Member
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    Teams is also good for getting boomers to present their desktops so you can repair the damage they’ve done to your excel models when they’re working remotely.
     
  50. racer

    racer Yuma, where I work in software.
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    It’s also good for seeing their shit talk in email and chat because they don’t realize everyone is watching.