There’s not - nearly the exact same shit I found when my wife cheated...oh and she was more sorry she got caught than that she did it, so I knew then I’d never be able to trust her again.
I know I’m jaded, but even more reason to leave if she was doing that/saying that to some asshole that lives on another fucking continent with about a 1% chance of that relationship ever working out. I’d drop her like a bad habit, tell everyone what she did, and go out in a blaze of glory. Keep in mind I’m jaded as fuck right now, so take my advice with a whole shaker of salt.
Even with kids, you only get one shot at this world. Don't go through it hating it because of some girl. Kids make it 100% harder but people do it all the time. Be happy.
No matter how old you are, you're still too young to be miserable. Act accordingly. -Funshot Hope you find your peace, Steve Prefontaine, with whomever makes you happy.
To get serious for a moment, the thing that alarms me the most about Steve Prefontaine ’s post is the “I probably wasn’t as attentive as I could’ve been but I never thought/knew things were bad.” Communication is key in marriage and if she couldn’t or wouldn’t share her feelings with you before it escalated to an emotional affair that to me is a major sign that she’s not the proverbial “one.” Those are her shortcomings and don’t ever convince yourself otherwise.
Is it really her shortcoming? It sounds like the poster wasn’t all in on her to begin the marriage. This very well may be a case of him not giving her what she deserved so she sought it out from someone else.
Not sure what she "deserved," but I definitely loved her. Did I show it as much as I should have? Maybe not to the level she apparently needed, but I certainly wasn't inattentive or distant. If she was feeling unloved, she should have talked to me. Not pulled this other bullshit. If she talked to me about it and I didn't take it seriously, then some of that might be on me. That didn't happen, so I think where we are now is on her. With that said, this has helped me realize where I can be better, and I plan to utilize that knowledge in future relationships.
She is a woman, isn't she? Women often tell you without telling you. That said, it's not and never could be your fault that she did this. Communication might be the reason, albeit not an excuse.
Tilly Just curious if you can guesstimate the likelihood of alimony?I have a friend who is going through a divorce and I worry about her. Her husband was a shitbag so i'm glad he's leaving her but the worst part is they just built a house they could barely afford together on her parent's land. Her husband makes twice as much as her. They have similar levels of education though. They were married for 8 years and he admitted to cheating (not sure if that factors in at all.)
Assuming she doesn't get caught committing adultery (absolute bar to alimony even if he cheated and they already separated, so be sure she knows that), she sounds like a good alimony candidate. What the monthly amount will be is a crap shoot though. 8 years is tougher for her to get permanent periodic as most courts like 10+ years of marriage to award that. But, there is plenty of case law saying permanent periodic is the preferred form of alimony. Also a few cases saying a party can't commit adultery prematurely ending the marriage and then use the short duration of the marriage as a defense against permanent periodic alimony.
My wife informed me this morning she wants to split up. I have 3 kids 8,3 and 2. She told me a week or so ago she resented me for a long time and can’t overcome it. Even though I was a loving and attentive husband I wasn’t helping her shoulder the load with home stuff and me putting things off hurt her and she pushed it down. We tried counciling yesterday, but it didn’t help her and she doesn’t want to keep trying. We are gonna live together for now, but there are boundaries. She’s strong enough to keep distance and it’s what she wants. I will have to try, but I know my emotions may over flow. We don’t fight in front of the kids, but we need to live together for a little while while we figure kids and getting them places. We are both in professional careers so we have to work together. When she came to me two weeks ago I thought I could save us. She made it apparent last night/this morning that she can’t get it back. She started a new job about 8 months ago and she is so passionate about it and so about it and the fast pace of running a huge department that I feel the excitement at home was not enough on top of my lack of being helpful around the house. I feel there could be another man or something happened and the guilt is consuming her and she would rather break it off than face it. I don’t think that’s the case, but you get shit in your head. I think she just drifted away and I missed the signs. I figured this would be a good place to seek advice and support.
Yes. We are putting up Christmas decorations as a family as I type this. This is not what I want, but I have to accept it and move forward and focus my kids and myself. 10 years of marriage and I thought we had a happy home. I know it’s not my all my fault, but it’s hard not to shoulder the blame. I want to hold out hope that me backing off and this separation will bring her back, but I don’t want to give myself false hope. I need to detach my feelings for her as best I can. Maybe she’ll miss us, but I don’t see it. I can’t talk to her about it and I can’t pressure.
Besides focusing on my kids 100% and hitting the gym hard does anyone else have advice? I read the book the 5 languages of love and made a lot sense. Wish I would have read it sooner, but it was too late. Would recommend for those is troubled waters and for those looking to take the next step in long term relationship
Sorry to hear, DUCKMOUTH I’ve got no advice, only sympathy. The scenario you described is my nightmare.
Cliff notes on book please? I’m not going to use my own time to read it in effort to benefit someone else.....wait
Wow. Sorry for your situation. Hope the two of you can work it out for the kids. Blowing up a ten year relationship with three young children because of chores? Not likely. Housekeeper or nanny frees up her time cheaper and easier than a divorce. Hopefully she can trust you with the real reason she wants a split.
Basically people feel love in different ways. Words affirmation Quality Time Acts of service Physical Touuching Gifts Find your partners primary love language and fulfill it. My wife’s is act of service and I can admit I wasn’t doing enough. My language is Words kf Affirmation and Touchig I was loving her the way I felt loved which is what people do. Acts of service from her was her way of loving me and what she needed to fill filled
Just no way her doing more around the house than you is the only reason. How often was she bitching at you in a week?
I agree, I just think is 35 and going through some midlife crisis and just fell out of love of fantasizes about something else. I’m a good husband and father, so I’m not going to shoulder the blame. As I mentioned her job change in my opinion gave her a purpose and she feels bored at home. I’m gonna back away and respect her separation request. I’ve made it apparent these last two weeks I’m all in and ready to work. She isn’t. The only way she will figure it out is with me detaching emotionaly from her. I’m not expecting her to come back, but if she comes around I may have moved on by then. I have to move on
She never really bitched. Just would ask for help all the time and my answer was alway “in a minute”. And I didn’t often. A few weeks ago I didn’t help her and her mom load the babies and go out of town to her brothers because I wanted to stay home and play video games. I think that was the final straw. A week later she told me she resented me, she’s numb, she doesn’t like the way she feels, this was not what she though life and marriage would be, etc, etc. I realize she has her problems to work through as 35 year old executive with 3 kids. I’m not the sole cause of her issues I’m sure. I’m just a piece of the puzzle and my inaction didn’t or wasn’t helping her. I am/was an amazing husband in all other areas of the marriage. Career support, giving her freedom to have a life outside of marriage, tons of love and affection, flirting, sacrifices on my end... she was shouldering the work load though. However in all other areas I was a great husband. She seems to sleep a lot when we don’t have anything going on. She says she’s not depressed , but I really do think it’s depression or midlife crises and she is blaming me for feeling this way. I encouraged her to seek therapy on her own no matter what’s going on with us
Just typing this stuff is helping. I know my emotions are gonna swing in every direction for awhile, but I need to say these things and keep focused
Not to be a dick, but a 35 year old with three young kids deciding to stay and home and play video games instead of helping your wife with the kids....yea, you should be shouldering some of the blame
I do, but I am willing to give them up for ever and work on us. She isn’t. Also that was the first time I didn’t go do something with all of them and help. The other areas I didn’t help on was laundry and honey do list. I neglected that side of our marriage It’s too late for her. She saw my changes these last two weeks, but they aren’t enough to overcome the hurt I caused her. She pushed it down for so long she started hating me and herself I think
I also don’t think she has cheated, but I think she has developed a longing or feelings for someone else. I saw her internet search history and she was reading stuff like... Is you husband having an affair Wanering eyes Bored in marriage Truth when drunk (she spilt her feelings of resentment after a night of drinking) Do you love your husband. How long to wait until remarry (concerned me, but I also understand once go down the rabbit hole of articles you click and start reading all things related) If I accuse her now it will just cause more issues and could spill over into hurt in front of the kids. She has to see me strong and resilient and I have to back off. Can’t accuse of affair without proof. I do feel though someone made her feel good and the man that did it may not even know he did. Just a new longing for her
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I don't have any real advice other than: don't do that to yourself, man.
I’m terrified of how my 8 year old is gonna perceive this. Never thought I would need therapy, but I may need a lot. Plus the therapist can help me with how to help my children. The 3 and 2 year old I’m sure Wil be surprisingly resilient, but I do worry for them too
I’m going to be in this thread a lot over the next few weeks. Anytime I feel weak and like I need to go over my emotions with her I’m gonna need to run in here and get talked off the ledge She is so much stronger than I am which makes this hard.
Worth it to take the quiz. Not necessary to read the book imo. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
She says if this separation leads to divorce she wants to sit down and work through it together. I know that’s not gonna happen. I’m gonna go ahead and meet with one next week anyway just to be ready on my own.
Man, I normally side with people ITT but I am team soon to be ex wife here. I only have one kid and I've forgotten what it was like to have time for games. Get rid of the video games right now if you haven't already and be with your kids as much as possible.
Tough break man. Just make those kids your #1 priority and hope everything else works out in the end.
Whoa whoa whoa. The part of the story I don’t like is that Mrs. DUCKMOUTH gave up after two weeks. She sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That woman has got to think, you’ve got a family, you’ve got a responsibility. If your marriage is on the rocks, you don’t just go to one therapy session then call it quits, you get your ass out there and you save that fucking marriage.
Sounds like you both share some of the blame, you for the things you mentioned, but also her for not communicating her feelings very well until she dropped the bomb on you. As someone who’s also eating the divorce shit sandwich right now, I feel for you man. If she really wants to work it out if things lead to divorce, look & see if collaborative divorce is an option in your state (that’s what we’re doing, but we’re in Texas). Also, definitely at least do the initial consult with a divorce attorney as soon as you can so you don’t do something to unintentionally shoot yourself in the foot in the near-term.
Yeah, quitting after one therapy session was the odd thing I noticed too - my guess would be they’d need 3-4 just to set the groundwork before the therapist can really dig into the underlying issues.
We’ll see. Maybe just backing away will bring her back. I also like and idiot gave her the either your in or out speech last night. You have to want to work for us, etc, etc, etc. should have been stronger and not done that. I tried to rewind it all this morning, but couldn’t
Collaborative divorce is an option in every state, as far as I know, but I wouldn't recommend choosing that path. JMO.
Just based on context clues I think your wife might be clinically depressed. That’s a journey that she’s gonna have to take on her own before you two can work toward any type of resolution.
She assures me she’s not. I just say even if not it will help her just to talk to stranger and get anger or anything else out. I think she may be. She has been drinking and having more girls time recently. I think the fun in that gave her something I was neglecting to give and helped get her to this point. She says she’s just mentally exhausted. I asked her again a few minutes ago if she wanted to try counciling while were splitting up. Answer is still no. I am moving to my parents house this week sometime. Luckily for me it’s in the same neighborhood and I can see the kids daily while this unfolds