Tough sledding Hank Scorpio . Remember that your grieving process is exactly that, yours. Do what feels right to you and do not worry about what others think. As for the eulogy, just try to make some time to sit and write down some memories. You'll find it. And no one is going to remember and/or judge what you say. People understand that it's an incredibly difficult thing to do.
I’m so sorry man. I worked on a dementia unit for a few years and saw first-hand the damage it does to that persons families. Life is hard enough. This makes it even harder. I’d love to offer advice to make it easier to understand and accept but it’s impossible. I just wish you total peace and clarity on the journey you are going through.
Different circumstances but I had to sort through a lot of feelings for my dad’s eulogy. I ended up writing down some stuff that I needed to get off my chest but discarded it, that helped me focus on the better memories from my childhood
I'm sure that's what I'll end up doing. Got the text that hospice ordered end of life care today. He just got home from a 5 day respite care stay at a hospice center where they essentially just kept him in a medically induced coma. Thankfully I was able to get a new car Sunday, so I'm safe to make the 1.5 hr drive down to Sarasota. Gonna try to head down for the day tomorrow. Hopefully my back/sciatica can handle the drive.
Lost my mom two years ago and the last two, three years of her life were hard to see as she went down hill with dementia. She was always positive, nice and caring…. I can honestly say I dont think she ever yelled at me or my brother once in our lives and we certainly deserved it. The last month or so she was a vegetable, but she wasn’t suffering I feel so that helped. Bitter sweet when she passed honestly. Was glad it was over for her. Anyone here going through it with family my thoughts are with you. If anyone needs to vent in private feel free to DM.
Made the visit today. Dad looked like a skeleton. Couldn't talk outside of a couple faint yes or nos. Can't imagine he's had anything to eat in a week. Should be any day now. Mom has also lost a ton of weight from all the stress and depression. Also had a terrible sounding cough. Wouldn't be shocked if she had a life threatening health event soon if she doesn't start taking care of herself.
It’s not easy, but one thing that helped me during this time was remembering how many good healthy years you had with them. Also one thing my mom said to me in my late 20s. She said I can die in peace/today because my kids are and will be fine.. I lost her like 15ish years later, but the fact she said that and how I feel about my kids made me feel better. She knew we were fine and didn’t need her anymore. Doesn’t make it easier, but just my journey
Glad you were able to see him. The closure will be helpful in the months ahead. Hope you sciatica wasn't too bad.
Just got the call from my mom. He passed about 20 min ago. Really grateful I got to see him 1 last time, but also feel a sense of relief for him, my mom, and my grandma who was helping take care of him since she retired last year.
Home for the first time since Christmas, took the old man fishing today. It was by far his favorite thing before he got sick. He asked me if I knew his son a few times, then 5 minutes later would ask if I'm staying in my old bedroom. But, he had a blast and it's all he's talked about since we got home. He'll probably forget by tomorrow, but for now it's a good day. And I just made ceviche with some fresh triggerfish. Spoiler
My dad loved to fish, also. He was primarily a bass man in his later years. This was the last time he was on the water. I had to work hard to persuade him to leave his recliner and get out of the house. This man who loved being on his boat was ready to go home after ten minutes. He passed about 4 months later.
Yeah my mom was a hospital nurse for damn near 40 years. She's been telling me since i was way too young that she would not wanna continue to live like this. Now that she's in memory care, it's more clear than ever that she was the brain, backbone and heart of my family. Dad is just lost, has no idea how to be or what to do. I wish i could say "we don't need her anymore," but since my wife left us last year, every day i think of how i wish nothing more than to still have mom/grandma around. Raising 2 young kids on my own is hard enough. Raising my father just fucking sucks.
My mom got diagnosed with dementia about a year ago. It had gotten to the point that living in her senior living facility wasn't enough care so we moved her to a mental care facility. Her issues have been sundowners and not remembering my dogs names and kind of every day forgetful stuff. Last night for the first time it seemed to take the next step. She called me asking for my sister, who doesn't live here. I explained that to her and told her she was having some memory issues but if she had any questions, I'd be happy to answer them. She asked if I was married (15 years) and if I had any kids (no). Just now she called asking "where is mom?" I asked if she was referring to her mother, Pauline, she said yes. I'm 46 and Pauline died before I was born. So I had to tell her that and it upset her. Then she asked about Dad, who also died before I was born. Definitely took a big turn these past few days. I'm thankful for this thread and seeing some interactions on instagram with people in similar situations. It has made my patience with her much better than I would have expected.
My friends just lost their father after a very swift decline to dementia. I’m heartbroken but one day later I’ll let them know how lucky they are that he went quick. Dealing with this for long stages like some of did is far worse, but it just sucks that this happens.
So I posted the obituary I wrote for my dad on social media a couple hrs ago and it's taking every ounce of restraint not to give a sarcastic remark to people I haven't interacted with in years who didn't even know him offering their condolences, thoughts & prayers, etc. I must be dead inside (I'm not, it's just a defense mechanism that I'm constantly keeping in check). Anyway, I'm going to post my favorite part here because it's the side of him I always romanticized. There are a lot of great stories I've heard over the years when he was in his 20s and 30s before I was even a glimmer in his eye (he was 42 when I was born) that made me wish I could pull a Back to the Future and hang out with him. "Dave was also an avid fisherman, which brought him great joy throughout his life. After catching the fishing bug as a child, he found his sea legs serving as first mate on fishing charters off the east coast of Florida and down into the Caribbean in the 1960s. During this time, Dave acquired countless experiences and “fishing stories,” (from surviving hurricanes in the cabin to leading a certain James Bond actor on a memorable excursion) which he gleefully regaled to anyone who would listen. The money that Dave earned from these charters was ultimately used to fund the education needed for his true calling and life goal of becoming an architect, with him earning his degree from the University of Florida in 1968."
This mother fucker took Sean Connery fishing while filming Thunderball (apparently with a lot of naked Bond girls/groupies), threw Jack Nicklaus' kid in the water right in front of him for being an asshole, stayed on board on a 40 ft boat while docked during a Cat 3 hurricane, and beat the shit out of a small biker gang for disrespecting his friend. It helps when you're 6'4" 240 in your prime. Apparently there are plenty of other wild stories that I've never been told before. Dude was a menace!
Welp, I suppose it’s time to start following this thread. My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s about 10 years ago and his mind is really starting to go. He’s able to start thoughts but can’t finish most of his sentences in a coherent manner. My mom is about at her wits’ end between his hallucinations, falls, and incontinence. I’ve been intentionally avoiding this thread because my unhealthy coping mechanism is denial. My mom is the same way but it’s becoming too big of an issue to avoid any longer. I’m going to have to take over their finances and convince them that he’s not safe to live at home any longer. I’m dreading this conversation, and I know both parents will be so pissed for even suggesting it, but it’s the only solution at this point.
Someone has to make the tough decisions. Your father is incapable and your mom is too close to it. She is going to appreciate your taking the lead in the years ahead. Hang in there, bud.
Not completely dementia related, but I guess this is the de-facto thread to vent about one's parents falling apart. My parents will both be 76 this year and my mother for the past six or seven has completely relied on my dad for care, like she could fall and not help herself up and can't manage her medications. She suffers from mild cognitive impairment, enough that she absolutely can't make medical decisions for herself. My dad is incredibly stereotypically boomer stubborn in addition to being a RNWJ/Southern Baptist/I interpret biblical scripture only when necessary hypocrite. Frequently he uses the excuse of using his "spiritual discernment" that lead to obvious bad decisions, like ignoring his own health. Naturally this has led to m, my sister, and brother butting heads with him on trying to get him some help around his house that he refuses to move out of. This is the house my sister and I grew up in so it's really falling apart now. This has been the status quo the past 5 years where we've slowly just left him alone for our own mental health as he would basically never listen to us. We knew some crisis would eventually force our hands. Such a day came a week ago! My freaking dad had some very intense headaches and dizziness for a few days and eventually fell a few times, once in his bedroom where he hit his head pretty hard on the bed frame. He also can't move the right side of his body very well. After about a week, this past Saturday, he finally calls me and my two siblings saying he had a minor stroke, he sounded very slow and confused. He can't move his right side very well and also let us know that he has driven around in this past week, supposedly "short distances." My sister goes down this following day, Sunday, and butts heads with him, he wouldn't go see a doctor. She decides to help clean up the house and yard with her husband for several hours with their 4 year old also being there. She convinces my brother the next day to drive down and take him to the ER while she goes back to watch my mother at the house. To be summarize, he went about two weeks until he finally saw a doctor. He eventually gets a CT Scan then a CT Scan with contrast. It's determined that he didn't have a stroke but suffered a brain bleed, there's a fairly big hematoma and some active bleeding. It's bad enough that the neurosurgeon tells my brother that his brain has shifted a little because of this and the trauma. He gets surgery the next morning to drain the blood and also a drain put in that sits there for a couple days, a bunch of staples are on his head. While this is happening my wife, a social worker, and I are on the phone with my sister and brother frequently trying to game plan, we live all the way in Oregon now and my sister and brother live a few hours away each. My wife knows how to navigate all this quickly, particularly in Georgia as we lived here for several years including with her mother that lived with us during COVID and passed away very quickly after Lewy Body dementia. I get in touch with a geriatric care manager my wife had previously recommended and also a home care service that quickly set up someone to come seven days a week to watch and care for my mother. My sister from Sun through Wed is watching my mother while my brother is staying with my dad at the hospital. I live all the way on the other side of the country now and booked a flight to come out Thursday (which was a whole other shitshow with all the cancellations going on). My dad gets surgery and the next day is almost back to how he sounded before all this started. He's moving around fairly well, enough that the doctors there are pretty shocked at how quickly he's recovering mobility. He stays in the hospital until Thursday after noon (so he's in the hospital Mon - Thur) and my sister is there to help discharge him since my brother really needed to get back to work. I get in very early this morning and basically can't sleep, mostly because of how hot they keep the house at here in Georgia during the summer (AC unit is super old and my mother often goes from hot to cold frequently). This morning my sister is breaking down, my dad isn't using a walker and trying to clean stuff off the kitchen floor and refusing to listen to her. We finally meet the geriatric care manager I had contacted at the beginning of the week and she talks with us for a couple hours and eventually gets my dad to give up a little control, particularly about trying to organize all my mother's medications and lets my sister and I handle it. He has a follow up in two weeks and really needs to take it very easy until then, absolutely cannot drive and really needs to make sure he isn't doing anything dumb to make himself fall. I bought a one-way ticket, stupid expensive since it was only a couple days before, and am likely staying here until Tuesday. My dad has a bunch of urinary incontinence that has really ramped up since the hospital stay but doing a good job at least of wearing adult diapers. I had a bit of trauma back during 2020 with my MIL with similar kinds of issues so it's really tough for me to even give my dad a shower, i honestly can't be a caregiver long term without my mental health deteriorating. I did manage to help give my dad a shower and am watching him like a hawk as he keeps moving around the house, sometimes without a walker despite my insistence. I am at least very proud of my sister, brother, and myself for quickly scrambling to get my dad taken care of while someone watched my mother who is a fall risk. Got a bunch of shit at the local Costco and a baby-like monitor set up for my mother as my dad and her still sleep in separate beds as they can't sleep together anymore soundly. I'm very worried that after I leave my dad is going to want to not follow up with the things the geriatric care manager helped line out. The house is falling apart and he's long not addressed things like the roof that has had an active leak for a few years (he "doesn't trust" roofers). He's super active in a local church, playing the orchestra, and my brother at least got members of them notified about this whole situation that can pressure him under the guise of "this is what the Lord wants" crap.
You've got a whole lot on your plate, friend. Hang in there and come here to vent whenever you need to. It helps.
Boy, this hits close to home. My mom, an overweight 71-year-old diabetic who is my dementia-patient dad’s sole caretaker has been in the hospital since Saturday with fluid in her lungs and a-fib. My sister helped a couple days but had to go back to her family, so I’ve been on Dad watch for nearly a week. Dad, also 71 and also obese, does not listen to a word I say. He wears a diaper but refuses to change it, reeks of piss, and I had to wipe his ass today. Mom and I have had a knockdown drag out this week because she refuses to move into an assisted living facility. I had to miss my son’s travel basketball tournament this weekend because of this and have a 2 week Italian vacation planned for mid August that I’m terrified will be impacted.
Update: Mom still not home, which means I’ll miss my son’s entire tournament. Dad yelled at me today that I was wiping his ass too hard and hurting him. At least I think that’s what he said. It was hard to hear over the sound of my dry heaves.
This sandwich generation shit is horrible. Nothing like going to the store to get diapers for your kids and your mom again
My favorite part of this whole saga has been my manipulative and emotionally abusive mom basically saying she and my dad deserve to have me put my life on hold to be a 24/7 caretaker for a week because she tried to be a good parent to me. Here’s a real text message exchange we had after she threatened to leave the hospital against medical advice: Me: You are absolutely not signing yourself out against medical advice. Why? So you can die in this apartment? That’s stupid, and I’ll never forgive you if you do. If you were truly sorry and felt as bad as you say you do, you would go into an assisted living home where you need to be. When this happened over Thanksgiving, we told you this was a problem and that we needed a plan to make sure this didn’t happen again. Instead, you did nothing. I found an attorney and set up a meeting. You made up an excuse to cancel it. In the meantime, dad has gotten considerably worse. Your health is considerably worse. The apartment is filthy and covered in dust. This is not working. You are beyond being able to take care of yourself, and I swear to God if you are choosing not to do the right thing because of the dog, I will never talk to you again. Her: Listen to me. I gave up my whole life for you. Up at 3:30 everyday for work and closing the ballpark every night so you could play baseball. New bats, new gloves, cars, whatever your little ass wanted. So don’t you threaten me or talk shit to me. I’m sorry if your wife has been inconvenienced this week. That is the last thing I want. I really love her and would never do anything on purpose to hurt her. When I get out of here, if you choose not to speak to me again, that’s on you. But I will not be threatened or bullied by anyone. I will increase the hours of housekeeping so she can dust and whatever else is needed. Then you will no longer have to sit in my filthy house. Please do not come to the hospital today. You are just making things worse by fighting with me.
I don't remember what I've posted before, but i made my dad put mom in memory care because he was an abysmal, neglectful caretaker and I'm now a single dad of a 5 and 3 year old so i can't really help as much as I'd like And turns out he'd been kindling a relationship with an old family friend of ours for the last year. I'm actually wuite accepting of that. His wife has been gone for years now and he needs to find some life to live. And she's great. Way out of his boomer narcissist league. Sucks to learn suddenly how absolutely essential mom was to making this old child function only in her absence. I don't really recognize this man. He's restless, rude, and incredibly selfish. Stuff he would have never exhibited when mom was around. And all he can talk about is his new relationship. Makes every conversation immediately about him and his gf. "Hey son, how you holding up with the divorce?" "P bad actually, dad." "Sorry. It's been tough for Amy and I to move ahead with our relationship. Amy Amy Amy Amy. Hope no one has any judgments about me and Amy!" "It's cool dad live your life." "Ok! Say, how much longer you think mom's gonna live? I'm getting pretty worried about my retirement funds." Biggest reason I'm cool with his new relationship is that she's inexplicably cool with him being around. She can fucking have him. I'm really disappointed and angered by his behavior and demeanor, to the point where sometimes I feel ashamed he's my dad. Never, ever gonna be like him. Taking the kids to see my mom here in a minute. Just being in whatever shred of presence she still retains feels like an oasis. I miss her so much.
I’ll say it’s tough and going through it was Hell, but I learned so much about myself with my mom, and when I lost her, I couldn’t back to times where I stepped up for stuff I didn’t even know I was capable of.
This resonates a lot with me. I watched both my parents eat like shit and not exercise their entire lives, and it’s now time to pay the piper for their actions. Unfortunately, I’m the one paying the most in a lot of ways, which absolutely sucks. I will never, ever, ever do that to my children. I moved my parents near us 2 years ago as my dad’s dementia was worsening. We agreed this would be a fresh start and they promised they would be active. Leave the house. Meet people. Socialize. Come to my kids’ activities. They went to a few games, but that’s about it. Moving them here is without a doubt the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s had a profound impact on my mental health, physical health, job, relationship with my wife, relationship with my children and my relationship with my parents. I find myself resenting them most days for their actions and what it’s done to me, which then causes me to feel shame for resenting them. It’s a miserable existence for all of us.
Sounds like you need to distance yourself from them for your own mental health and health of your family. Easier said than done but don't let it ruin your family life
Thought I was going to be joining this thread but sounds like we dodged a bullet for now. We were at the beach with my wife’s family a few weeks ago. Her mom is 68 and always super mentally sharp. That said, She has always been kind of hard to follow in a conversation but right away I was having an awful time trying to follow what she was saying. Just not making sense. I even said something to my wife in private. About two days into the beach week my father in law says he thinks my MIL is showing signs of dementia. He said she keeps asking him the same thing over and over again, losing stuff, and just not sharp like usual. Been going on for a few months. So now we are all on pins and needles watching my MIL. Night 3 at dinner, while we are still waiting on our food, my MIL stands up and says “woo that was great! I am stuffed! Let’s go why are we sitting around?”. We had not been served yet… we explain to her and she just starts arguing about the big salad that she just ate (she had not). We’re able to agree with her and ask that she waits for everyone else to finish eating. meanwhile my wife starts crying at the table. We get the food to go and just leave. Fast forward to after the vacation- we have to force my MIL into the car to drive her to the ER. She insisted she was fine. after tons of tests it is determined she had a massive UTI for months. got that cleared up and she is fine
UTI's are nuts. I remember my wifes gma would get them and say the craziest stuff. One time we were over there and she started talking to me about the goblins dancing on her shelves. She also used to call me Verne, which was her late husband's name. Normally sharp as a tack. Glad you got it figured out.
Utis a constant battle in nursing homes. Good to know that they can cause that. We're all getting so old
My dad died two years ago and my mom has struggled a lot since. She found a fellow widower this past year and the two of them bonded pretty quickly. So much so that they decided to take a three week bus trip through Europe because that’s what old widowed ladies do. Mom’s friend gets sick about six weeks out. It doesn’t clear up so she goes to urgent care with a month to go. The antibiotics don’t do anything so she goes to her primary doc with two weeks until the trip. Primary can’t figure it out so she’s referred to a specialist with a week to go. It’s too close to leaving for Europe without an explanation so Thelma and Louise decide to cancel. Like true boomers, they fully insured the trip and get refunded 99% of their money. The lady goes to the specialist, gets diagnosed with a UTI, and is fine a few days later.
Finally got back yesterday after four days of trying to help get so much shit straightened out. My dad was really pushing to get everything back to the way he wants to run the house minus driving and god damn was it just emotionally exhausting even though we weren't fighting much, he really needs a mood stabilizer or something to just help him chill the fuck out instead of being overly intense about the most mundane shit.
Well, mom got out of the hospital Monday. As expected, we couldn’t even make it home before a fight ensued. She won’t move herself or my severely cognitively impaired father into a home. I let her know that if she didn’t, she would not see me or my children again. She still refused to consider anything beyond home health three days a week (and I’ll believe that when I see it). The next day, the woman who swears she can be completely self-sufficient sends me this text: “I have done everything I need to do here but I am not ready to drive yet. I need to get my meds at CVS and I am not sure about driving yet. If you would please just do this last thing I will walk away and not bother you again.” So, because I allow her to manipulate me, I did it. Hours later, she sends me this: “Please explain to [my son] why we won’t see each other anymore. He texts me every night like things are normal and he needs to know whats going on so he’ll stop texting.” My wife and I had planned to talk to him about how they needed to prioritize their health and that it wasn’t best for him to go over there right now. I had decided I wasn’t going to block her in his phone or anything. Then, no less than 10 minutes after she sent me that text asking me to explain to him, she sends him this: “Please remember no matter what that we love you very much.” So, of course, he’s more confused than ever and I look like the asshole. Meanwhile, I had a full blown panic attack over this yesterday.
Yeah that's a tough situation I would consider blocking her on his phone just so you can filter everything through you she wants to say to your son or I think that's what I would do.