Dad jokes

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Joe_Pesci, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson

    He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.”

    I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
     
  2. NoleNBlue (Ret.)

    NoleNBlue (Ret.) The fuck is that? It's an armoire.
    Donor TMB OG
    Florida State SeminolesBayern Munich

  3. Emmy Rossum

    Emmy Rossum Shameless
    Donor

    I just went through the first few pages of this

    subreddit
     
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  4. devine

    devine hi, i am user devine
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    West Virginia MountaineersPhoenix SunsPittsburgh PenguinsNational LeagueSan Diego PadresBarAndGrillCoors Light

    I don't get it
     
  5. One Two

    One Two Send it!
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?


    One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
     
  6. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
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    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

  7. Bill the Butcher

    Bill the Butcher Roscoe's favorite poster
    Donor

    When the person working the drive thru asks what we want my dad says a blonde with nothing on it. Every time.
     
    #7 Bill the Butcher, Apr 29, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2017
  8. Emmy Rossum

    Emmy Rossum Shameless
    Donor

    Huh?
     
    oldberg, dump, Nemesis and 5 others like this.
  9. fetumpsh

    fetumpsh Well-Known Member
    Donor

    I tried this on my daughter, but she wouldn't call me Brian. Just deflated the joke.
     
  10. One Two

    One Two Send it!
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta Braves

    You've never personally g'ed a drive through?
     
    Tony Perkis, Petito, TC and 4 others like this.
  11. HatterasJack

    HatterasJack Is your refrigerator running? It's Mike Hunt.
    Donor

    What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

    Oh, wait...wrong category
     
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  12. football501

    football501 I once ate a Twix with the wrapper on it
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    Seems relevant...

     
  13. fattmante

    fattmante Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Stands next to guy at urinal.

    "I hear this is where all the dicks hang out."
     
  14. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    Last weekend, my seven year old had a friend over. I was sitting on my back deck and heard them fighting with our neighbor's 10 year old daughter.

    My son's friend told the neighbor the her mom was so fat that a vampire would catch diabetes if it bit her.

    I pulled the boys inside after that.
     
  15. Gata

    Gata .....
    Florida GatorsCincinnati Bengals

    how you g a drive through
     
  16. Boom TittyMilk

    Boom TittyMilk User Formerly known as Big R
    Donor TMB OG
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAtlanta HawksAtlanta United

    Well that's a fucking mic drop, not sure how the thread continued
     
    wes tegg likes this.
  17. AndersHolmvik

    AndersHolmvik Well-Known Member
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    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysTampa Bay BuccaneersTampa Bay Lightning

    A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and...................... tonic." Bartender says "Why the large pause?" Polar bear says "I was born with them."
     
  18. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
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    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

    Lickalotopuss
     
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  19. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    the quality of that joke made me sad
     
  20. Savage Rob Chubb

    Donor
    Auburn TigersSt. Louis CardinalsAtlanta HawksAtlanta FalconsAtlanta United

    Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

    Bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

    Pirate says "Arghhh I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
     
    #20 Savage Rob Chubb, Apr 30, 2017
    Last edited: May 2, 2017
  21. Mitch Cumstein

    Mitch Cumstein yells at cloud
    Donor
    Boston BruinsTampa Bay BuccaneersBoston Red SoxMinnesota Golden GophersNew England PatriotsFlorida State SeminolesBoston CelticsJacksonville Jaguars

    my dad jokes usually revolve around farts and pants pooping with my kids' names interspersed within.
     
    dump, bigred77 and 941Gator like this.
  22. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    South Carolina GamecocksCarolina PanthersCarolina Hurricanes

    Idk I was too busy jacking off
     
  23. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    What do you call a gay dinosaur?

    Megasoreass
     
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  24. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

    Beer nuts are $1.49 and deer nuts are just under a buck
     
  25. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Maybe the males, but the lesbian dino is a lickalottapuss.
     
    dump and TLAU like this.
  26. houtex716

    houtex716 let's have a beach party
    Donor
    Texas Tech Red RaidersHouston AstrosHouston RocketsKansas City Chiefs

    Why is it hard for pirates to learn the alphabet?




    They always get lost at C
     
  27. We$tTxO&G

    We$tTxO&G Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Texas AandM Aggies altSan Antonio SpursDallas CowboysTiger Woods

    Lavar
    ball
    :trumpanzee:
     
  28. Tro lo lo

    Tro lo lo You kids must be from the suburbs.
    Donor
    Syracuse Orange

    A polar bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a gin and tonic." Bartender says "That'll be 12 bucks." As he makes the drink, he tells the bear, "You know, I don't get a lot of polar bears in here ordering drinks."

    The bear says, "For $12 a drink, I can see why."
     
  29. Taffy

    Taffy Token Brit poster
    Donor

    My 8 year old always calls me out for dad jokes, but yesterday morning him and his mother had this conversation:
    Mrs Taffy: "What do you want for breakfast?"
    Taffy Jr: "Bacon sandwiches"
    Mrs Taffy: ::sigh:: "Cereals?"
    Taffy Jr: "I am being cereals, bacon sandwiches!"
     
  30. AIOLICOCK

    AIOLICOCK https://www.antifa.org/
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    Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

    It was in tents
     
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  31. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Texas Tech Red RaidersTexas RangersSan Antonio SpursDallas CowboysKansas City ChiefsAustin FCTexas Tech Red Raiders alt

    "dad, I'm hungary"

    "hi hungary, I'm dad"
     
  32. Taffy

    Taffy Token Brit poster
    Donor

    Hungary? WTF?
     
  33. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    Hope bigred is Russian to a dictionary.
     
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  34. War Grundle

    War Grundle Nole Mercy
    Donor
    Florida State SeminolesTampa Bay Rays

    ^^^

    My dad said this at least a dozen times.
     
    DirtBall likes this.
  35. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    "Dad, I'm hungry."
    "I'm Thirsty. Come over Friday and we'll have a sundae."
     
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  36. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    My girlfriend is turning 32 soon.

    I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

    https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/
     
  37. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Why did the bike fall asleep?

    It was two tired.
     
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  38. Papa

    Papa Well-Known Member
    Donor

    My 7 year old choked on his food at the dinner table laughing so hard when I told this one today. (He loves dinosaurs)

    Edit: Ha ha. Wait, I did change it to "what do you call a dinosaur that sits on a tack?" though.
     
  39. Papa

    Papa Well-Known Member
    Donor

    Butchered...

    "Dad, I'm thirsty"

    "Hi Thirsty. I'm Friday. Come over Saturday and we'll have a sundae."
     
  40. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    What the fuck ever. Two tired killed, so no fucks given.
     
  41. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
    Donor

    Wow, should Boo MFer! have his kids taken away for butchering that dad joke? My column:
     
  42. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    You've got some nerve even questioning my Dadness.

    [​IMG]
     
  43. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    South Carolina GamecocksCarolina PanthersCarolina Hurricanes

    [​IMG]
     
    bigred77 likes this.
  44. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
    Donor

    Uh, I am a father. And a thread starter. People forget that.
     
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  45. Nelson

    Nelson Can somebody please get Ja Rule on the phone
    Donor
    Nebraska CornhuskersDenver NuggetsDenver BroncosColorado AvalanceBorussia DortmundManchester UnitedColorado State Rams

    this joke would not work well for guys named Tom Jefferson!
     
  46. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Nah, not really.
     
  47. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Yes, but not the father I am, nor the starter of the Dad's thread. Really makes you think.
     
  48. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
    Donor

    Are you sure about that?
     
  49. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Yes.