It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. But, it’s a 45 minute walk from the bar back home. The difference is staggering.
Dolphins are the only other mammals that have sex for enjoyment. You have no idea how many other animals I had to try first to figure that out.
A woman sits a her husband’s funeral. She’s completely distraught. A friend of her husband comes up to her and says, “do you mind if I say a word?” “Go right ahead,” she replied. The man clears his throat and says “Plethora” “Thanks,” the woman says. “That means a lot.”
2 deer go into a gay bar. Afterwards, when they’re walking home, one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 50 bucks in there.”
Ok, so one of the leading flat earther theorists is in the hospital dying. He’s surrounded by friends and family and his followers who want to say their goodbyes. He passes and makes it to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to him “listen, we’re sending you back…because the Earth is round and we can’t have people thinking it’s flat. Your mission to fix all of the lies you told about the Earth being flat.” Suddenly, he wakes up and all his friends and family are amazed he’s alive again. They ask him what did he see. He says “Ok, you guys won’t believe just how high this conspiracy goes…”
I asked my date when her birthday was. She replied “March 1st” So, I stood up and walked in a military manner all around the restaurant and asked her again.
What happens when you boil a funny bone? Spoiler It turns into a laughing stock Spoiler That’s humerus
When I was competing for my limbo championship, I also saw the Twister championships. They were the best in the world…hands down.
Did you hear about the guy, with the little dick, that broke up with his girlfriend? He just wasn't that much into her.
Enzymes are proteins that catalyze cellular chemical reactions and hormones are molecules, such as proteins and amino acids, that send messages from one part of the body to another.
It's that intercellular signaling property of hormones that the aforementioned jape must be referring to as being "heard," but that is a chemical rather than acoustical means of biological communication so I'm not sure this joke passes any test of scientific plausibility lmbo
Knock knock. Who’s there? The investigator. The investigator who? Spoiler I’ll ask the questions around here!
They're building a new plane that cannot crash. The reason it won't is because it won't contain any metal. The entire plane will be made out of vulcanized rubber, so instead of crashing it will just bounce. It's being manufactured by Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.
Me: Did you hear about that famous actress who got stabbed? Wife: No, who? Me: I forget her name but she got stabbed, multiple times, her name is Reese something. Wife: Reese Witherspoon? Me: No, she got stabbed with a knife.
You can tell from Boo MFer! ’s contributions to this thread that he’s not actually a dad (and from the OP that he doesn’t have the chops to be a thread-starter either)
When my buddy texted me that his love of corvids inspired him to open a restaurant I assumed it was a typo. But now I’m eating crow. Spoiler
My coworker sends our work group a dad joke every morning Someone recycled one of his dad jokes a few days after him and got more laughs