Dad jokes

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Joe_Pesci, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. Owsley

    Owsley My friends call me Bear
    Donor TMB OG
    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta BravesAtlanta UnitedTottenham HotspurGrateful Dead

    Two atoms are sitting at a bar, and one of the atoms is really bummed out, so his friend naturally asks what's wrong. He tells him that he lost an electron today, and his friend, astonished asks if he's sure. Yes, he responds - I'm positive.
     
  2. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

     
    DirtBall, PCH, ZeroPointZero and 9 others like this.
  3. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    WOW CAN YOU NOT

    image.jpeg
     
    One Two likes this.
  4. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    I was going to tell some jokes about atoms and elements, but all of the good ones argon.
     
    DirtBall, Trop, shawnoc and 26 others like this.
  5. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    How many South Americans does it take to screw a light bulb?


    A Brazilian
     
  6. The Hotch

    The Hotch Well-Known Member
    Donor TMB OG
    Arizona WildcatsArizona DiamondbacksPhoenix SunsArizona CardinalsLos Angeles Chargers

    A horse walks into a bar, bartender says "why the long face?"
     
    oldberg, herb.burdette and bigred77 like this.
  7. Randy Bobandi

    Randy Bobandi Well-Known Member
    Baltimore Ravens

    A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "hey! What is this some kind of joke?".
     
    oldberg, Gata, BellottiBold and 7 others like this.
  8. lhprop1

    lhprop1 Fullsterkur
    Staff Donor
    Minnesota Golden Gophers

    I wish you would stop with the chemistry jokes. Most of them are so bad that we should just barium.
     
    Pharm, DirtBall, PCH and 14 others like this.
  9. bigred77

    bigred77 Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Texas Tech Red RaidersTexas RangersSan Antonio SpursDallas CowboysKansas City ChiefsAustin FCTexas Tech Red Raiders alt

    Momma Tomato, Daddy Tomato, and Baby Tomato were out for a walk one day.
    Baby Tomato starts falling behind and it makes his dad mad.
    Daddy Tomato walks back to Baby and steps on him and says "ketchup"
     
    DirtBall, a.tramp, oldberg and 5 others like this.
  10. lhprop1

    lhprop1 Fullsterkur
    Staff Donor
    Minnesota Golden Gophers

    I went to the dick doctor the other day to get something checked out. He was a big dude and turned out to be a fellow weight lifter, so I asked him if he could also tell me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow.

    He said, "How should I know?"
    I replied, "Well, you are meaty urologist, aren't you?"
     
  11. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    What do you call a merry-go-round made completely out of plastic?

    Anything you want, except a ferrous wheel.
     
    The Banks, DirtBall, a.tramp and 8 others like this.
  12. Owsley

    Owsley My friends call me Bear
    Donor TMB OG
    Alabama Crimson TideAtlanta BravesAtlanta UnitedTottenham HotspurGrateful Dead

    A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and demands a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings. The bear, frustrated, again demands a beer and the bartender once more replies they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings. Now completely enraged, the bear says if you don't serve me a beer I'm going to eat that woman at the end of the bar. Once more, the bartender tells the the bear they don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, and true to his word, the bear walks to the end of the bar and eats the woman. The bear returns to the bar and asks for a beer to wash his meal down. The bartender tells him we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Billings, and especially not to those bears that do drugs. Perplexed, the bear says he's never done a drug in his life. The bartender replies, that's the bar bitch you ate.
     
  13. lhprop1

    lhprop1 Fullsterkur
    Staff Donor
    Minnesota Golden Gophers

    I rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve ropes in here." Dejected, but determined to get a beer, he walked out into the parking lot and decided he'd try a disguise. He tied a knot in one end and frizzled up his ends and then went back inside.

    The bartender saw him and said, "Are you that rope that just tried to buy a beer?" The rope replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
     
    DirtBall, oldberg, Gata and 18 others like this.
  14. dawgonit

    dawgonit Like James Brown only white and taller
    Donor
    Georgia BulldogsAtlanta BravesAtlanta FalconsAtlanta United

    My pencil isn't prone to Freudian slips, but my penis
     
  15. dawgonit

    dawgonit Like James Brown only white and taller
    Donor
    Georgia BulldogsAtlanta BravesAtlanta FalconsAtlanta United

    I was sending a text earlier, and it changed "fuck" to "duck", but I left it because it was still fowl language
     
    Joe_Pesci, DirtBall, oldberg and 10 others like this.
  16. Fecta23

    Fecta23 Well-Known Member
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    Oregon DucksSeattle MarinersPortland Trail Blazers

    That Stone Cold ET is just the funniest shit in the world.
     
    oldberg, Gata, Wallcoq and 2 others like this.
  17. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
    Donor
    Missouri TigersSt. Louis CardinalsChicago BullsSt. Louis BluesEverton

    Courtesy of last night's Last Man on Earth

    Why did the investment banker quit his job?

    He lost interest
     
  18. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    What do you call acid with an attitude

    Amino Acid
     
    oldberg, Gata, lhprop1 and 1 other person like this.
  19. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
    Donor
    Wolfsburg

    a mean ol acid? :idk:
     
    TLAU likes this.
  20. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Why was the tomato blushing

    Because it saw the salad dressing
     
    DirtBall, oldberg, Gata and 3 others like this.
  21. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    Herb Jr: Mom, did you hear how they stopped a kidnapping at school?

    Mrs. Herb: What?

    Herb Jr: The teacher woke him up.
     
  22. Nandor the Relentless

    Donor
    Kentucky WildcatsBoston CelticsNew England PatriotsUniversity of LynchburgAEWSeattle Kraken

    :bamawarn:
     
  23. TC

    TC Ten Club
    Donor
    South Carolina GamecocksCarolina PanthersCarolina Hurricanes

    When you go in the bathroom you're American, and when you come out you're American, but what are you while you're in the bathroom?

    European!
     
    herb.burdette and Taffy like this.
  24. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
    He couldn't control his pupils
     
    oldberg, lhprop1, ARCO and 6 others like this.
  25. 2

    2 GBR
    Donor
    Nebraska CornhuskersColorado RockiesDenver BroncosBig 8 ConferenceNebraska Cornhuskers alt

    I tried to change my password to beef stew, but it wasn't stroganoff.
     
    HotMic, DirtBall, oldberg and 3 others like this.
  26. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat

    Apparently there's a Bounty on my head
     
    Baron likes this.
  27. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Why did the lifeguard not save the hippie?

    He was too far out man
     
    oldberg, 20/20/20/20 and TDCD like this.
  28. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

    I said maybe
     
  29. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Then she threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making Linkin Park references

    But in the end it doesn't even matter
     
    Wu likes this.
  30. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    Why can't your nose be 12 inches?

    Because then it would be a foot
     
    a.tramp, oldberg, 20/20/20/20 and 3 others like this.
  31. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    How does the moon cut hair?

    Eclipse it
     
    oldberg and Wu like this.
  32. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    All stolen from an IG dad joke account don't rat me out e-police
     
  33. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    I don’t get this one.
     
  34. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    people are very eager to chastise posters around here for stealing material from other sites and posting it, ie - "you got this from reddit faggit"

    HTH, have a joke on me:

     
    Gata, Baron and bigred77 like this.
  35. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    I think my Dad joke went over your head.
     
    shawnoc, ARCO, a.tramp and 7 others like this.
  36. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

    What is a Freudian Slip?

    It's when you say one thing, but mean a mother.
     
    DirtBall, oldberg, One Two and 5 others like this.
  37. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

  38. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

     
    oldberg likes this.
  39. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

     
    oldberg likes this.
  40. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

  41. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

  42. Gata

    Gata .....
    Florida GatorsCincinnati Bengals

    That person is just a laffy taffy joke thief.
     
    #93 Gata, Oct 25, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2017
    DirtBall likes this.
  43. 20/20/20/20

    20/20/20/20 running thru the house with a pickle in my mouth
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska CornhuskersCharlotte HornetsCleveland BrownsDetroit TigersNebraska Cornhuskers alt

    Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff



















































































    Ba dum tsssh!
     
    oldberg and One Two like this.
  44. cdaysker

    cdaysker Quarry
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska Cornhuskers alt

    Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

    He was outstanding in his field
     
  45. skiedfrillet

    skiedfrillet It's not a lie if you believe it.
    Donor
    Clemson Tigers

    is that phil dunphy
     
  46. TLAU

    TLAU Dog Crew
    Donor
    Auburn TigersAtlanta BravesAustin FC

    What did one nut say when it was chasing another nut?

    Imma cashew
     
    herb.burdette likes this.
  47. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
    Donor
    Ohio State Buckeyes

  48. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
    Donor
    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

    By walking.....JK Rowling.
     
    DirtBall likes this.
  49. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
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