Dad jokes

Discussion in 'The Mainboard' started by Joe_Pesci, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. shaolin5

    shaolin5 Well-Known Member
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    My dog started chasing people on a bicycle.
    No matter what I tried, he wouldn't stop.
    I finally had to take his bike away from him
     
  2. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
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  3. Clown Baby

    Clown Baby Daddy’s #1 Candy Baby
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    Your joke wasn’t dad-worthy. Don’t take it out on me
     
  4. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
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    You son of a bitch.
     
    Shawn Hunter likes this.
  5. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis Will Smith just smacked the shit outta me!
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    Nebraska CornhuskersKansas City RoyalsKansas City ChiefsBig 8 Conference

    My kids won't sit still for a meal ever so my wife and I have made the point to have Dad Joke Dinner. We all sit there and come up with dad jokes of our own which gets the kids' attention. These are some recents, including some created by my offspring.

    What's the name of a tiny pig?

    A pygmy

    Where do people keep their shoes?

    Two feet in the air

    What did the cow say to the pig?

    Moooooooove

    Where does a horse go to get his hair cut?

    Great Clip Clop

    What is a horse's common greeting?

    What up mane?

    How does a sheep play baseball?

    With a baaaaa aaat.
    Laffy Taffy ain't got shit on us.
     
  6. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis Will Smith just smacked the shit outta me!
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska CornhuskersKansas City RoyalsKansas City ChiefsBig 8 Conference

    What did the dog yell when he looked at the top of the house?

    Roof! Roof!
     
    Sex Fuckhead, a.tramp, Wu and 2 others like this.
  7. Bo Pelinis

    Bo Pelinis Will Smith just smacked the shit outta me!
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska CornhuskersKansas City RoyalsKansas City ChiefsBig 8 Conference

    Dad Joke Dinner:

    Son: what did the rooster say to his wife?
    Wife: I know but I’m not going to say it.

    Son couldn’t think of a punchline

    want some cock?
     
  8. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    I tried to change my password to “beefstew” but my computer said it wasn’t stroganoff
     
  9. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Limestone is really the best rock, even though some people take it for granite
     
  10. 20/20/20/20

    20/20/20/20 running thru the house with a pickle in my mouth
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    [​IMG]
     
  11. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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  12. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    God damnit
     
  13. herb.burdette

    herb.burdette Meet me at the corner of 8th and Worthington
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    Ohio State Buckeyes

    The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
     
  14. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    When does a joke become a dad joke?

    when it becomes apparent.
     
  15. TC

    TC Ten Club
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  16. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. But the zip code for Dawson's Creek is
    90108
     
    20/20/20/20 and BayouMafia like this.
  17. RSK

    RSK Well-Known Member
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    How do you make a tissue dance?

    Put a little boogie in it
     
    DirtBall likes this.
  18. Randy Bobandi

    Randy Bobandi Well-Known Member
    Baltimore Ravens

    I don’t get it.
     
  19. RSK

    RSK Well-Known Member
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    [​IMG]
     
  20. Papa

    Papa Well-Known Member
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    Ahh, yes, I get it. But just in case some others still don't, explain it a little further for them.
     
  21. Cheshire Bridge

    Cheshire Bridge 2017 & 2019 National Champions - Clemson Tigers
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    Clemson TigersAtlanta BravesTiger WoodsCollege Football Playoff

    The Dawson's Creek theme song
     
    texasraider likes this.
  22. GboroKidd

    GboroKidd Free MUG
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    I think its because it kind of sounds like the line from the theme song, “I dont want to wait.”
     
    GordoBombay, wes tegg and Papa like this.
  23. MoJo

    MoJo It bees that way sometimes...
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    Not a joke but this dad's reaction to his wife's request is hilarious imo...

     
  24. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    What US President is a huge fan of job networking websites?

    Abraham LinkedIn
     
    GordoBombay likes this.
  25. DirtBall

    DirtBall Who Cares?
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    Why was the zookeeper so mad at the monkey for throwing poop at the dolphins?

    Cause he did it on porpoise
     
    shaolin5 likes this.
  26. DirtBall

    DirtBall Who Cares?
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    What did the Mexican priest make for the church potluck?

    Holy Molé
     
    shaolin5 and Joe_Pesci like this.
  27. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    Guys, I met a Russian audio engineer the other day...and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.
     
  28. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    Wolfsburg

    Boooooooooooo
     
  29. NoleNBlue (Ret.)

    NoleNBlue (Ret.) The fuck is that? It's an armoire.
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    That had so much potential and it just fizzled :feelsbadman:
     
    Joe_Pesci likes this.
  30. cdaysker

    cdaysker Quarry
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    Nebraska Cornhuskers alt

    This got a sensible chuckle out of me
     
    AndersHolmvik and audrew like this.
  31. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    This one got me good. :laugh:


     
  32. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    Dirtier than usual but told to me by a dad at Easter.

    Guy was having chest pains. Went to the doctor. Doctor said “I’m gonna need you to stop masturbating.” “Why?” asked the man. “So I can examine you,” replied the doctor.

    One more. What’s the difference in a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
    one snatches your watch, the other watches your snatch
     
    Zebbie, wes tegg, DirtBall and 7 others like this.
  33. Boo MFer!

    Boo MFer! Have you ever knowingly bought a haunted item?
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    Florida GatorsTampa Bay RaysJacksonville JaguarsTampa Bay Buccaneers

    Nothing like celebrating the resurrection of our Lord and Savior than by cracking XXX-rated jokes!
     
    Shawn Hunter and bigred77 like this.
  34. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    Uncle John’s a rascal, what can I say
     
  35. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    Back in ancient Greece, a famous playwright walked into a tailor and said "Hey I need you to mend this pair of pants.

    The tailor says "Euripides?"
     
    GordoBombay, Zebbie, wes tegg and 8 others like this.
  36. shaolin5

    shaolin5 Well-Known Member
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    Last weekend I went to a wedding. Two antennas got married on a roof.
    The wedding ceremony itself was OK but the reception was INCREDIBLE
     
  37. Joe_Pesci

    Joe_Pesci lying dog-faced pony soldier
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    Wolfsburg

    Laughed at this one again
     
    Russellin4885 likes this.
  38. TC

    TC Ten Club
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    I'm in a band and the other day we played the Beatles "Come Together." After I walk up to the mic and go "Thanks, that one's starting to come together."

    .....

    And I got NOTHING!!! :edmond:
     
    GordoBombay and wes tegg like this.
  39. Truman

    Truman Well-Known Member
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    That’s ok. When you gotta be the joker, you just do what you please
     
    AndersHolmvik, AHebrewToo and TC like this.
  40. Emma

    Emma Words
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    A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?

    " "Pop," goes the weasel.
     
    herb.burdette and Celemo like this.
  41. 20/20/20/20

    20/20/20/20 running thru the house with a pickle in my mouth
    Donor TMB OG
    Nebraska CornhuskersCharlotte HornetsCleveland BrownsDetroit TigersNebraska Cornhuskers alt

    Did you hear about the guy who fell behind on his exorcist payments?

    He was repossessed.
     
    Joe_Pesci, TC and Celemo like this.
  42. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    How did the butcher introduce his wife?

    Meet Patty
     
  43. audrew

    audrew Maste’sr of Education
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    If you ever have a date with Serena Williams, what’s the best time to pick her up?

    Tennish
     
    wes tegg and shaolin5 like this.
  44. shaolin5

    shaolin5 Well-Known Member
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    How do fish get high?



    Seaweed
     
    20/20/20/20 likes this.
  45. HotMic

    HotMic Insider
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    Why was the tomato red?

    It walked in on the salad dressing

    edit: this was told last page
     
    #146 HotMic, Mar 14, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2020
  46. shaolin5

    shaolin5 Well-Known Member
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    Cost of pie in Jamaica : $4.30
    Cost of pie in the Bahamas : $3.25
    Cost of pie in Aruba: $5.30

    Those are the PIE-RATES of the Caribbean
     
    Nandor the Relentless, 2 and HotMic like this.
  47. Lucky24Seven

    Lucky24Seven Ain't nothing slick to a can of oil
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    Little know fact that you can tell an ant’s gender by throwing them in water. If it sinks, it’s a girl ant and if it floats, boy ant.
     
  48. The Banks

    The Banks TMB's Alaskan
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  49. pnk$krtcrÿnästÿ

    Donor
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    What's the difference between a rooster and EdmondDantes mom?

    Rooster says "cockadoodledoo"
    Ol ed's mom says "any cock'll do"