teel How Much Of A Rutgers Man Are You? Posted June 26, 2015 http://www.clickhole.com/quiz/how-much-rutgers-man-are-you-2705 Are you a real Scarlet Knight? Take this quiz to find out. 1. Check off everything on this list that applies to you:
This is apparently from 2012 but they just posted on their Facebook and I laughed so I'm sharing. Lascivious, lechery....so many good words in this Obama: 'Help Us Destroy Jesus And Start A New Age Of Liberal Darkness' Spoiler The president calls for his ultraliberal minions to join him in the godless slaughter of Jesus Christ and the advancement of eternal sin. CHARLOTTE, NC—With the savage roar of the heathen Democratic horde rising all around him, President Barack Obama delivered an incendiary speech to close his party’s national convention Thursday night, commanding the ultraprogressive minions in attendance to help him “destroy Jesus and usher in a new age of liberal darkness that shall reign o’er the earth for a thousand years.” The thunderous 45-minute address—during which the president argued for a second term so that he could “finally kill Jesus once and for all, as well as all those who worship him”—was well received by the frenzied, wild-eyed audience, whose piercing chants of “Four more years!” and “Slaughter the believers!” echoed throughout the Time Warner Cable Arena. “My fellow Americans and godless infidels, I command you to join me as we cast an endless pall of far-left evil across the hills and valleys of our nation!” Obama bellowed from the stage, as thousands in attendance moaned in compliance and gyrated their hips and groins in a lascivious dance. “Together, as a barbarian people forged by the wicked flames of irreligiosity and united by visions of a liberal dystopia, we will rise up as one to scorch the earth with boundless amorality.” “The streets shall run red with the blood of forced sodomy, performed daily upon every American man, woman, and child!” the commander-in-chief shouted, froth forming around his mouth as the crowd threw hundreds of aborted fetuses onto the stage. “Die, Christians, die!” Slamming his fists on the lectern until his hands began to bleed, Obama proceeded to lay out a “three-point plan of sin and lechery” for his second term. If reelected, the president said, he would begin by banning organized religion entirely—starting with Christianity—and burning all churches to the ground, preferably “with their wretched, Jesus-loving congregants still huddled inside like rats.” As members of the audience violently tugged at their genitals and howled like sex-starved, atheist wolves, Obama stated that his administration would then seek to make free, taxpayer-funded abortions legal at any stage of pregnancy, even up to one full year after birth, in order to supply his newly created “federal stem-cell harvesting plants” with raw materials. In addition, the cackling president vowed to “end traditional marriage as we know it” by passing legislation that would allow only homosexuals to raise children, a longtime Democratic policy goal. “A glorious new age of sinister, unconstrained liberalism is dawning! Oh, dear Satan, I can feel it coursing through my veins at this very moment!” shrieked Obama, ripping off his shirt to reveal an ornate tattoo of a pentagram, with a different homosexual act positioned at each of the star’s five points. “Agnosticism, contempt for human life, and radical sexual experimentation shall rule the day! Any good, virtuous, family-values-oriented Christian Americans who seek to topple our magnificent liberal kingdom of eternal darkness will be powerless to stop us! We will crush them!” Added Obama, “Thank you, may Satan reward you all, and may God tremble in fear at the United States of America!” The president was then handed an unbaptized, orphaned newborn baby drenched in the blood of 666 slaughtered Christians, which he handed over to its new, gleefully squealing homosexual parents.
7 Pictures That Will Drive Perfectionists Insane Posted April 14, 2015 Share Tweet Email Pin It WARNING: If you’re a perfectionist, these pics are going to ruin your day! 1. Only one little thing off! Perfectionists are pulling out their hair right now over this pic! 2. This is like fingernails on a chalkboard for perfectionists. 3. Why? Just why? Gaaaaah. 4. Most people wouldn’t think twice about this picture, but perfectionists will be driven crazy by this one. 5. THIS. 6. Ugh... 7. Okay, perfectionists, you made it through the list. Here’s your reward:
"Still not convinced? Lobster is delicious coated in butter and dipped in a tangy cocktail sauce." Yes it is Clickhole, yes it is.
5 Tips To Fuck Good Posted Aug. 29, 2014 Share Tweet Email Pin It Okay, here’s how to fuck good: Fuck loud: When the fucking is happening with you, it must be loud. While you are fucking your sexual lover, scream loud and smash many porcelain dolls. This will ensure that the fucking is never forgotten. In 100 years, you can say to your sexual lover, “Remember the fucking?” and your sexual lover will say to you, “Yes, it was loud when it happened.” Fuck so good that you win an award: One of the top ways to fuck great is to fuck so good that you win a prize or trophy for how good it is. Then if someone asks if you fuck good, you can say, “Well, I won a prize for good fucking, so you tell me, idiot.” Light a ring of sexual Fuck-Torches: Light a ring of sexual Fuck-Torches around your mattress to encircle your fuck-chamber with a sensual flame while you fuck like a master. Fuck-Torches are not expensive and they make you fuck good, so just buy so many of them. Then while you are fucking, your sexual lover might say, “I like your Fuck-Torches,” and you can say, “Thank you. They were not expensive.” Sweat wine: What is the most sexual fuck-juice? That is correct—it is wine, the juice of love. Thus, if you want to fuck good, you must sweat wine out of your pores. You and your sexual lover can lick the wine off of you and it will be delicious and you will both become sexual and mad. You can sweat out good wine or garbage wine, who cares? Be damp: What is damp? Damp is the most sexual wetness. This is why, when you fuck your sexual lover, you must be damp. Before you fuck, mist yourself in steam. This will make you not too wet and not too dry: Damp. Then when you and your sexual lover are inside of each other, you can enjoy the sexual dampness, and you can go insane with lust, no questions asked!
Trump Tells Iowa Dairy Farmers He Has Cows 500 Times Bigger Than Theirs NEWS IN BRIEFJuly 6, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 27 Politics · Politicians · Donald Trump ARNOLDS PARK, IA—Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs. “Your cows are small and scrawny, and you should be embarrassed to milk them,” said Trump, adding that each of his cows was the size of “at least” a dozen Cadillacs and had “udders that’ll make your head spin.” “No one raises dairy cows as gigantic or successful as I do; everyone knows that. My cattle are winners, and you people would be lucky to have them graze here.” Chatting with patrons at a diner later in the day, Trump reportedly said the apple pie was a disgrace and that his pies were a mile wide, with a perfect crust that made all the losers jealous.
These 8 Bikes WITH PEGS Would Have Made Awesome Gifts, Mom http://www.clickhole.com/article/th...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It Thanks a LOT for the birthday present, Mom. It would have been great...if I was a GIRL. Maybe next time get one of these bikes that doesn’t SUCK. 1. Whoa, look at those back wheels, Mom. What do they have that the bike you got me DOESN’T? 2. PEGS, Mom. P-E-G-S. The metal things you stand on? On the back of all cool bikes like this one? PEGS. 3. Mom, wanna guess why this bike has PEGS? Maybe because you NEED them to actually do TRICKS? 4. I literally SHOWED you this bike, Mom. 5. Here’s the bike Dylan has. Yeah, DYLAN. He sucks, and even HIS mom got it for him. Maybe you noticed the PEGS that it has? 6. You can’t just put PEGS on a MOUNTAIN BIKE, Mom. Do you WANT me to look like an idiot? Why don’t you just get me some pink tassels and an effing DRESS while you’re at it? 7. Look, another bike WITH PEGS that WOULD have been a great gift if SOMEONE had LISTENED FOR ONCE! 8. Ugh, you’re such a BITCH sometimes.
http://www.clickhole.com/article/oral-history-jay-zs-blueprint-2679 Kanye West (producer, vocals): Before linking up with Jay, I was devoting all my energy to writing jingles about mail. I strongly believed that mail trucks should play music just like ice cream trucks do, and I thought that if I wrote a good enough jingle, maybe the U.S. Postal Service would start using it. There was this one jingle that went like, “If you’ve got a letter in one place / But you want it to be in a different place / Well, good news, mister / There’s this great technology called mail,” and for months I was just standing outside post offices singing it, hoping that someone from USPS would hear it and buy the rights. And then, one day, Jay just happened to be walking by while I was singing, and the rest is history.
McDonald’s Vs. ‘Healthy’ Restaurants: We Threw Both At This Man http://www.clickhole.com/video/mcdo...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook
http://www.theonion.com/article/partygoer-rolls-a-couple-of-fat-burritos-to-pass-a-29624 Partygoer Rolls A Couple Of Fat Burritos To Pass Around NEWS IN BRIEFSeptember 20, 2012 VOL 48 ISSUE 38 News EUGENE, OR—According to anonymous sources, guests at the University of Oregon’s Sigma Nu fraternity house Friday rejoiced when fellow party attendee Jeff Lyons unzipped a bag of shredded lettuce, expertly licked the edges of two tortillas, and rolled a couple of fat burritos to pass around. “Yo, sprinkle some cheese on that fatty and pass it this way,” Lyons said before opening his mouth sharply and taking a long pull of pork. “Whoa, I got way too much that time. This one’s totally cashed. Looks like we’ll have to pack another bowl of meat and cheese.” Lyons reportedly told partygoers that if a neighbor smells refried beans and calls the police, they should quickly stomp out the burrito and kick it under the couch.
ClickHole 10 hrs · It might be time to find a new favorite actor after hearing this Chris Pratt news. http://www.clickhole.com/article/dark-side-celebrity-chris-pratt-wont-star-movie-un-2765
This is one of the funniest things I've ever read: @TheOnion: Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep http://t.co/N5CHIPRXy5 http://t.co/i4hszKbfvF
http://www.clickhole.com/article/ba...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook Bad News, Oregon: Marijuana Is Still Illegal In The Michaelson House Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It On July 1, recreational marijuana use was legalized in the state of Oregon. Stoners and casual users alike rejoiced at the news, and some even took to the streets, lighting up publicly in celebration. For supporters of legalization, this represented a major victory. But the battle may not be over just yet. That’s because, over at 1223 Marshall Street in the mid-size suburb of Beaverton, marijuana is still illegal. That’s right, Oregonians. Under Jim Michaelson’s roof, you’re in a pot-free zone. While Oregon law may allow you to have up to eight ounces of marijuana per household, Jim and Eileen Michaelson still have a zero-tolerance policy. This strict guideline is in effect even if it’s kept out of view or if you’re able to get rid of the smell. In fact, sneaking around behind Jim’s back might even be worse than just doing it right in front of him. “It doesn’t matter whether the president or the queen of Timbuktu herself said pot is legal,” read a statement from Jim Michaelson. “When you step inside the Michaelson household, marijuana is absolutely not allowed.” Yup. But not all hope is lost. Sources recently overheard Eileen Michaelson saying that medical marijuana “could maybe be valuable, as long as it’s not being abused.” Still, it seems like Jim’s most recent public comment reaffirmed that in his house, he’s the mayor, and there’s no room for any ifs, ands, or buts on the matter. So for now, it seems like anyone caught with marijuana in the Michaelson home will suffer some major consequences. And that goes for everyone.
For the record, when I get coffee with one of my coworkers, we always call it "getting our sludge on" Thanks, Clickhole.
This is gonna be good: @EDGEtv Uncaged, Unaccountable, Fucked Up | From @TheOnion Media Empire | EDGE Atrocity Tip Line: 1-877-777-8192 @EDGEtv: We throw acid in the face of ignorance. @EDGEtv: This season on @EDGEtv: We hold a Geiger counter up to these orphans of war. http://t.co/8O6C2SSjAz
Don’t Tell Me It’s Cool That I Broke Your Drinking Glass. I Already Knew That. Tyler Kirkpatrick Blogger Posted Yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It Earlier this evening, just as your party was getting in full swing, something happened. I dropped a glass on the ground. It shattered when it hit the floor, and most of the liquid that was inside of it (a vodka tonic, if you must know) spilled all over your carpet. At that point, you did something that I’m sure you believed was helpful. You said, “That’s cool. Don’t worry about it.” Here’s the thing: I already knew that. I knew that it was cool that I broke your drinking glass. It’s true. Of course I was aware you weren’t mad that I dropped your glass. Of course I was aware that it’s not a big deal. I don’t need anyone lecturing me on what I should and shouldn’t feel bad about breaking, least of all you. The fact is, I know what’s cool. I know what’s not cool. And you know what’s not cool? You telling me how I should feel about breaking your glass. I’ve already moved on and gotten myself a new glass. You’re the one dwelling in the past and bringing up the cup I broke. And don’t say you’ll take care of the mess like you’re doing me a favor, because we both know I was never going to clean it up. ...you know what’s not cool? You telling me how I should feel about breaking your glass. Here’s what you need to ask yourself: Who put you in charge of saying which of your glasses are cool to have broken? I never asked you to tell me it was cool, but you took that authority upon yourself. Everybody agrees it was cool. That’s not in question. Where the issue arises is when you interject yourself into situations involving your glass that, frankly, have little to do with you. I broke your glass; it was cool; end of story. As someone who has broken that glass, I know that it’s cool. To be honest, I knew it was cool even before I broke the glass. I’m not saying I broke the glass on purpose, but maybe the reason I was reckless was because I already knew it was going to be cool if I ever broke the glass. Did you ever think about that? You haven’t walked in my shoes. You haven’t broken your glass and spilled my drink all over your carpet. So don’t pretend like you understand what I’m going through. All of this is meant as helpful criticism, in hopes that you’ll change your behavior for the better. I don’t hate you for telling me it was cool to break your glass, and I want our friendship to continue. You’re only human, and sometimes you’re going to say or do the wrong thing after I carelessly destroy your possessions. All we can do is move forward from this point, and the next time I break one of your cups, or something else you own, you’ll know what to say: nothing
This is from 2010 but holy god this might be the best thing I've read from The Onion: New Six Flags Ride Based On Relationship With Deborah The first drop fills riders with exhilaration tinged with abject fear for what's to come. VALENCIA, CA—Promoting the coaster as "the most heartbreaking ride on earth," the Six Flags Magic Mountain theme park unveiled its newest attraction this week: a 395-foot-tall steel roller coaster designed to simulate a grueling three year relationship with Deborah. Developed by world-renowned and recently single engineer Phillip Werner, the Life Force Crusher-X is said to feature six disorienting vertical loops, 150-feet of highly unstable barrel rolls, a portion in the middle where the ride just suddenly stops for no reason and refuses to start again until riders apologize, and an unexpected 310-foot drop at the very end. "This heart-racing, gut-wrenching 90 mph free fall into unhealthy codependence and trust issues will have even the most extreme thrill-seekers begging for it to be over," reads a Six Flags press release announcing the new coaster, which promises to require more attention and patience than any one man should reasonably be expected to have. "Can you survive the Agonizing Vortex of Unflagging Acrimony?" According to park officials, the coaster begins with an impulsive burst of acceleration that, when riders reflect upon the experience years later, will prove to be the only enjoyable portion of the ride. A series of unexpected and painful twists rapidly follow, leaving riders confused, strangely resentful, and wondering if they made a huge mistake getting on the ride in the first place. For the next 25 minutes, the coaster creeps endlessly forward at an agonizing pace, until it actually starts moving backward. When the Life Force Crusher-X mercifully comes to an end, park visitors often find themselves speechless, emotionally exhausted, and completely broke. "What the fuck just happened?" roller coaster enthusiast Derek Schumer said. "At first things were great, but next thing I knew, I was throwing my hands in the air and screaming, ''Why are we even doing this? I don't understand why we're doing this! It doesn't make either of us the least bit happy. Just end it, already, just end it!" Added Schumer, "I think I'm going to be sick." Despite only opening last week, Life Force Crusher-X is already one of Magic Mountain's main attractions. The park has even been forced to extend its hours to accommodate ticket holders who said they would never come back, only to find themselves pounding on the gates at 2 a.m., desperate for just one more go-round. "I can't decide if I hate the ride or hate myself for going on it," read one comment on a website that reviews roller coasters. "At one point I glanced over at the people on other coasters, and they all looked so much happier." "I don't know," the comment continued. "Maybe the Life Force Crusher-X is just the type of coaster I deserve." Park-goer Andrew Murray had a similar experience on the Six Flags ride. "Pretty early on, I realized that I just needed to get off," Murray said. "But by that point we had just passed through the Tunnel of Pregnancy Scares, and there was no way I could up and leave then. God, to think of all the other rides I could have tried if I weren't trapped on that suffocating machine." Although some have expressed safety concerns with the coaster's structure—more than 7,000 feet of steel tubular track hastily built on a foundation of lust and shared contempt-—both Six Flags and the designer himself have assured riders that the Life Force Crusher-X is nowhere near as dangerous as actually dating Deborah. "Every inch of my coaster has been biodynamically analyzed by computers to be 100 percent safe, which is far more protection than I ever got from that heart-swallowing banshee of a woman," designer Werner said at the unveiling of his semi-autobiographical ride. "In fact, I myself ride the Crusher every morning. Just to remember." Six Flags officials said they've already begun construction on their next coaster, one they are calling "even more terrifying than being in a relationship with Deborah." It's scheduled to open in 2012 and will be based on not being in a relationship with Deborah. http://www.theonion.com/article/new-six-flags-ride-based-on-relationship-with-debo-17223
http://www.clickhole.com/article/8-...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook 8 Moms Doing Their Best With The Transgender Movement Posted Yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It They’re trying. And that’s what counts. 1. Sheila Duncan When her daughter asked her about her thoughts on Caitlyn Jenner, Sheila said, “People should just do whatever makes them happy,” which is pretty cool, even if it’s a little general. Plus she knows who Dan Savage is, even if she’s never heard his podcast. 2. Barbara Snyder Sure, Barb has consistently called Chelsea Manning a “he” throughout the last two years, but when you consider the fact that she grew up in the ’70s, you’d have to agree that it’s more indicative of her era than her compassion. 3. Carol Lindstrom Carol’s never even met a gay person, much less a trans person, so she’s playing a lot of catch-up. Yes, she said, “Why can’t boys just be boys and girls just be girls?” but you could tell that it wasn’t directed at the people, just her exasperation over not really understanding the trans movement. 4. Donna Suarez Donna bought the Vanity Fair with Caitlyn Jenner on the cover and read almost the whole interview without sighing. She even left it out on the coffee table for over a week and didn’t put it away when guests came over! 5. Deb Peterson Yes, Deb asked her son Christopher, “You’d tell me if you were one of these man-women, right?” but it was due to her lack of vocabulary on the matter, and overall, her tone was pretty warm. Trust us, if you met Deb in the ’90s, you’d know she’s come a long way. 6. Sharon Leder Sharon’s nephew is transsexual, and she’s kind of avoided him more at holidays since he transitioned into a man, and she also called Laverne Cox “desperate for attention,” and, actually, thinking about it now, Sharon isn’t really doing so great at this, so let’s move on. 7. Angela Wu When gay marriage was legalized in June, Angela said, “That’s so nice for people like that,” and sure, that may not be how you would say it, and it isn’t technically tied to the transgender movement, but that’s pretty progressive for someone who spent the first 17 years of her life in China, where LGBT rights are essentially nonexistent, right? 8. Linda Eckstein Linda thought it was nice that the ESPYs “gave an award to a gay” when Caitlyn Jenner won, but her heart was in the right place.
I Don’t Let My Kids Watch Winnie The Pooh Because I Don’t Want Them Idolizing A Fat Virgin Stewart Herlinger Parent, blogger Posted Today As a parent, I feel like everywhere I turn, someone is warning me about the dangers of letting my children watch TV. While I agree that it can be harmful in large doses, honestly, what really matters to me is just making sure that when my children do watch TV, they’re watching shows that impart some sort of positive value into their lives. This also means steering them away from programs that might affect them negatively, which is why I never allow my children to watch anything featuring Winnie the Pooh, the fat virgin. If you’re unfamiliar, Winnie the Pooh is a brainless bear who lives in the forest and slowly makes the world bad. He has beady serpent eyes and zero genitals, which is something we know because he never wears any pants or undergarments. In fact, he’s practically bragging about not having a penis. But even if he did have a penis, he wouldn’t know it, because his fat belly would keep him from seeing anything below his sad bear tits. It makes me mad just thinking about it. This bear, he just wanders around eating honey out of a jar with his bare hands like a fat savage. I hate it. One thing that can be assumed about the dickless sad sack called Winnie the Pooh is that he is a virgin. He clearly has never fucked. He is a simpering, high-voiced virgin who spends all his time leering at a little boy named Christopher. It’s disgusting. I don’t want my kids being exposed to that. I’m not going to be like, “Hey, kids, come watch the emasculated bear with the scary fingerless hands who’s never fucked a day in his life and who is obsessed with a little boy of a different species.” That’d be irresponsible and gross. He is a simpering, high-voiced virgin who spends all his time leering at a little boy named Christopher. “But what do you let your kids watch?” you might ask. I’d much rather my kids watch the fuck machine named Big Bird. Big Bird is the towering human bird from PBS who you can tell is just constantly fucking. He’s got that swagger. There are a lot of good lessons children can learn from a major-league pussy-crusher like Big Bird, such as the importance of confidence, courage, and friendship. Winnie the Pooh, on the other hand, wouldn’t know the first thing about courage. If he were on United Airlines Flight 93, for example, not only would he have not joined the revolt against the terrorists, but he probably would’ve gotten down on his yellow knees and sucked the terrorists’ cocks one by one. “Oh, bother!” he would shrug as the al-Qaeda operatives drilled the back of his throat with their pube-slathered ding-dongs. What a coward, this pathetic bear. I cannot fathom how any parent could ever willingly expose their children to trash like Winnie the Pooh. It seems like a guaranteed recipe to ensure that your kids grow up to be pitiful, dead-eyed perverts who will never know the heavenly joys of fucking. If you want your kids to grow up to be brave and smart, you should let them watch either the impressive sex duck Big Bird, the cunning potato named Arthur, or Babar the indoor elephant. Winnie the Pooh is a walking disease, and if I ever catch my kids watching him, I will spank them with my belt. And if you’re a good parent, you will do the same.
Science FTW! Researchers Taught This Gorilla Sign Language And He Immediately Came Out As Gay To His Father Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It Prepare to have your mind blown! Scientists at the San Diego Zoo have made a tremendous leap forward. After working for over three years with a 270-pound gorilla named Sampson, researchers say he is now able to fully express over 1,500 signs of modified sign language and has even come out as a homosexual to his father! Wow. Science FTW! While many gorillas are able to learn simple words such as “ball” and “lettuce,” Sampson is a special case. His language skills have progressed to the point that he can actually sign full sentences and express all the thoughts needed to tell his father the truth about his sexuality. According to the researchers, Sampson was in an enclosure with his father, Max, when they witnessed his miraculous breakthrough. He approached his father, and as the other gorillas in the facility looked on, he signed out his first complete sentence: “Me gorilla love man gorilla.” Simply incredible! While his father is incapable of comprehending sign language, the researchers are very excited to continue their work with him so that one day he might understand Sampson’s message. But for now, science has helped an intelligent young gorilla tell his father who he really is. Nice!
Making A Difference: These Barely Legal Teens Got Together And Cleaned Up Their Local Park Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It Cigarette butts, a broken jungle gym, empty bottles floating in the pond—unfortunately, these are just a few things that were commonplace at Williams Park in Modesto, CA. Once the heart of the city, it had quickly gone from a place where kids could play together to a place they decidedly avoided. And for a while, it seemed like no one was going to do anything about it—that is, until a group of barely legal teens got together and pledged to clean it all up. Barely out of high school but still totally of age, this group of teens transformed what was once a problem area for residents into a true testament to the power of human kindness. All it took was one busty brunette saying she wanted to make a difference, and from there it snowballed into an all-out effort to both clean the park and rebuild it entirely from scratch! Whether they were pigtailed petites with daddy issues, all-natural Latinas, or twink teen boys, every single one of them showed up bright and early to make a difference. No matter their background, these barely legal teens united to clean up over 100 pounds of waste and install a new plastic play structure, and Modesto residents took notice: Incredible! So, to each and every hairless teeny that came out that day—we say a heartfelt thank you. Your efforts over the past 24 hours have truly inspired us and changed Modesto for the better. Faith in humanity restored!
http://www.clickhole.com/blogpost/its-our-duty-support-troops-and-second-amendment-c-1929 It’s Our Duty To Support The Troops And The Second Amendment In Case We Ever Need To Kill Them All Russell Mandel Blogger
http://www.clickhole.com/article/someone-overdubbed-godfather-donkey-kong-soundtrac-2894 Someone Overdubbed ‘The Godfather’ With The ‘Donkey Kong’ Soundtrack And Francis Ford Coppola Has Vowed Revenge
Incredible! This Man’s Dog Just Died But He’s Not Close Enough With His Coworkers To Tell Them! http://www.clickhole.com/video/incredible-mans-dog-just-died-hes-not-close-enough-2958
You can really get to know this guy... Wow! This Man Had A Whole Thing To Say To His Boss But Then Just Stayed Silent The Whole Time http://www.onionstudios.com/videos/...t-then-just-stayed-silent-the-whole-time-2911 Amazing: This Man Manages To Feel Anxious Even Though Nothing Is Wrong http://www.onionstudios.com/videos/...eel-anxious-even-though-nothing-is-wrong-3052 Amazing! The Waitress Got His Order Wrong, But This Man Ate It Anyway http://www.onionstudios.com/videos/...s-order-wrong-but-this-man-ate-it-anyway-3014 Wow. Only Knowing A Few Words From The Song Didn’t Stop Him From Singing Along With Everyone Else http://www.clickhole.com/video/wow-only-knowing-few-words-song-didnt-stop-him-sin-1651
So stellar. Third one basically just happened to me. Wasn't the wrong order, just wrong table. Still got all of my food
1,400 Dead After Mike Trout Fouls Line Drive Into Stands PHOTO FINISHAugust 28, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 34 Sports · Baseball
old article but lol http://www.theonion.com/article/new...Marketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:InFocus
Dead Teenager Remembered For Great Hand Jobs Belzer was mourned by friends and classmates for her gentle yet confident penis-stroking. GOLDSBORO, NC—Friends, classmates, and loved ones gathered last night at a memorial service in the Westside High School gymnasium to celebrate the life of 17-year-old Brooke Belzer, who, before she died tragically in a car accident last week, was beloved for her bright personality and for giving easily the best hand jobs in the school. The untimely passing of Belzer, whom mourners remembered as a smart, accommodating teen who loved to laugh, watch movies with friends, and bring male friends to sexual climax with her hand, has left many in the Goldsboro community in a state of shock. "I can't believe she's gone," said Brian Jennings, a longtime classmate and neighbor. "It's just so shocking to think that someone as vibrant and full of life as Brooke is gone, and I'll never see her again. How can that be?" Added Jennings, "She just rubbed me off in the Hardee's parking lot last week." Belzer, a passenger in the single-car accident, was killed when driver Keith Foley, who survived the wreck with only minor injuries, became distracted and lost control of the vehicle. Belzer was not wearing a seat belt at the time. Classmates said the field hockey team member was very well-liked by her fellow students, who greatly enjoyed Belzer's goofy sense of humor, her habit of keeping moisturizer in her purse, and her carefree attitude. One of Belzer's oldest and dearest friends, Peter Destasio, delivered a poignant eulogy at Belzer's memorial service in which he sought to pay tribute to a young woman who was needlessly cut down in the prime of her jerking years. "She was more than just a girl who gave awesome hand jobs," said Destasio, who has known Belzer since before she started using both hands. "She was someone who was really eager to learn new things. And she wouldn't even get mad if you accidently ruined her sweater. In fact, she actually thought that was kind of funny, and looking back on it, I guess it was." "But it was her care and attention to detail I'll miss most," Destasio continued. "She really took her time and didn't seem to simply want to get it over with like most girls. Fantastic wrist action. Not too fast, not too rough. Just right." Destasio then became overcome with emotion and was unable to continue. "She just had a smile for everyone," said junior Douglas Keck, who added that his most cherished memory of Belzer was probably the time they shared behind the bleachers right after last year's powder-puff game. "And to think how much more she had left to give." Continued Keck, "In another six months she would have probably started to use her mouth." Those who had known Belzer since she first began giving tug jobs in eighth grade said they will miss watching her grow into a mature young woman with an increasingly impressive repertoire of stroking techniques. Counselors have been brought in to the school to aid any students who are having trouble coping with the unexpected death of a figure popular in the halls and senior parking lot of Westside High. "There is a real sense of loss here," said Sharon Hyerblick, a former English teacher of Belzer's. "A lot of these kids wish they had spent more time with Brooke while she was alive. I would say the timid freshmen who never even had the chance to receive a handie from Brooke are taking this especially hard." As he seeks to soothe the wounded hearts of his school's students and faculty, Principal Franklin Jones told reporters this week that he hopes the entire Westside High community keeps a memory in their hearts of the talented young girl who seemed to light up the faces of all the boys in the room wherever she would go. "In her brief time on this earth Brooke touched so many," Jones said. "She gave so freely of herself and her skills and I'm sure she will be remembered fondly for the rest of our lives. It's just a shame that this tragedy happened so close to prom."
Obamas Decide To Stay In White House Until Daughters Finish High School ‘We Don’t Want To Uproot Them Just For Our Jobs,’ Say Parents NEWS IN BRIEFSeptember 8, 2015 VOL 51 ISSUE 36 Politics · Education ·Politicians · Kids · Barack Obama WASHINGTON—Saying it wouldn’t be fair to disrupt their lives after seven years in the same school district, Barack and Michelle Obama this week announced their plans to stay in the White House until their daughters graduate high school. “The girls’ whole lives are here, and forcing them to move to a new place and start in at a whole new school just to accommodate our careers doesn’t seem right, especially at their ages,” the first lady said of her daughters Malia, 17, and Sasha, 14, explaining that while Malia has moved more often than her sister and could likely handle another change, Sasha is more sensitive and would have a harder time leaving the group of friends she’s known since the second grade. “Malia graduates next year and Sasha only has four more to go, so we might as well stay right here until they finish up. After that, we’ll be empty nesters and can move into someplace smaller. Unless the girls go to college somewhere nearby, in which case we may just stay put.” The Obamas also added that, given how reliably it has been working for them, they see no need to get rid of their presidential motorcade and purchase a new vehicle for the foreseeable future.
So Apparently There Is Something Called A Salmon And It’s Freaking Adorable Posted Today Via astrobio.net Share Tweet Email Pin It Say hi to your new favorite thing ever. Get ready to melt with joy, because it turns out THIS exists… Via ucanr.edu Apparently, it’s called a salmon. Via nwcouncil.org Yup. It lives in the river, and it’s basically perfect. When a salmon opens its mouth, it looks like this: Uh, pretty much the greatest smile in the whole world. Oh, and if you were wondering, you say its name like “sam-on.” As in, “Hello, I’m a salmon, and I’m incredible. I live in the river. Did I mention I’m THE ABSOLUTE CUTEST?” Ready for your close-up?? Okay, that’s it, we need to hug this thing forever starting RIGHT NOW! #SALMONS We’re in love.
Video Wow: This Complex Goose Flying Formation Proves Just How Amazing Birds Are http://www.clickhole.com/video/wow-...ult&utm_medium=ShareTools&utm_source=facebook
Latest Attack: ISIS Just Put The Pentagon On eBay Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It While heads of state debate how to handle the surge of Syrian refugees fleeing for their lives, ISIS continues its relentless campaign of violence and terror. Its most recent strike is a big one: This morning, U.S. military officials were stunned to discover that the Islamic terrorist group had placed the Pentagon up for auction on eBay. Disgusting. Initially set at $1,500, the price of the Pentagon quickly rose, rocketing past $7,000 in the first hour of open bidding. Troublingly, the White House’s attempts to outbid the competition $500 at a time have been continually thwarted as eBay users the world over escalate the situation. With two days still to go and no “Buy It Now” option, it’s anyone’s guess as to how high the bids could climb. As it is both the headquarters of the Department of Defense and a symbol of America’s military power, losing the Pentagon would be an absolutely devastating blow to the United States on many levels. Still, the White House has remained resolute in the wake of the attack, releasing the following statement earlier today: “We condemn the attempted sale of the Pentagon as a despicable act of aggression against the United States. It will not go unanswered. America has never faltered in the face of extremism, and today is no exception. Please do not bid on the Pentagon.” Time and again, ISIS has demonstrated that its cruelty is only rivaled by its ingenuity and adaptability. Even if the U.S. weathers this crisis, the next assault can’t be far behind.
Cool Find! Someone Left A Perfectly Good Framed Photo Of A Cyclist Lying By The Side Of The Road Posted Today Share Tweet Email Pin It If you’re a deal hunter or a general lover of anything free, this might get you excited: Someone left a framed photo of a young cyclist just lying by the side of the road under a tree! Score! The picture of this cyclist is a little weathered, but its beautiful mahogany frame is still in very good condition. You better hurry if you want this thing, though, because someone is definitely going to snap up this great find soon. This spot is a total jackpot, because there’s also a bike painted all white and adorned with flowers just sitting there right next to the picture! The tires look a little flat, but with a little TLC it would be a sweet ride. And it’s not even locked up or anything! There’s also a free white cross, if you’re into that! This framed picture could hang in your living room tonight if you get down there quick enough. You can swap your own picture into the frame. All this great stuff (not to mention a ton of candles) is located right after the blind curve where Conant St. meets Atherton. So calling all deal hounds and dumpster divers looking to pick up some high-quality stuff completely for free—this framed picture probably won’t stick around long. Get down there now!
Lucky To Be Alive: Harrison Ford Is In The Hospital After Kissing A Lady That Turned Out To Be A Stack Of Dynamite In A Dress Posted Yesterday Share Tweet Email Pin It Well, this was almost a real tragedy. Harrison Ford is currently in the hospital recovering from injuries he sustained while attempting to kiss an attractive woman that turned out to be a pile of live dynamite in a dress. According to reports from witnesses, the dynamite exploded right as the silver-screen legend was in the middle of giving it numerous loud, wet smooches. While details of the incident remain hazy, what we do know from health-care officials is that Harrison Ford was sitting alone at a table in a trendy L.A. cocktail bar Sunday night when he spotted what he thought was a beautiful woman wearing a sequined ball gown and a pearl necklace on the other side of the room. Eyewitnesses claim that Ford’s jaw fell all the way to the floor with an audible thud. His eyes then launched out of his head and draped themselves across his table like two long, limp sausages before recoiling back into their sockets like rubber bands. The Indiana Jones star then howled like a wolf and repeatedly slammed his face into the table as hard as he could before howling like a wolf once again. While he was howling like a wolf, the A-list actor’s head reportedly stretched out so that it looked like an actual wolf’s face. Ford then levitated up out of his chair and floated across the room to the pile of dynamite in a dress with a dreamy expression on his face. He produced a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and attempted to present them to the pile of dynamite. Ford then began kissing the pile of dynamite over and over again. Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when the fuse ran out and the dynamite detonated. According to emergency responders on the scene, the Star Wars actor suffered severe third-degree burns and was found repeatedly muttering the words “What a woman!” Despite his brush with death, Ford is reportedly attempting to stay positive while he heals. A tweet this morning from Ford’s son indicates that the Blade Runner star is looking on the bright side and committed to making a full recovery: Hope you feel better soon, Harrison! We’re all pulling for you!